Here we go again

I’d like to think that I made the right decision to return for the duration of my winter break, but it resembled more like I chose the wrong option. I could’ve purchased the flight for the summer holidays and disappear for almost 3 months without any contact on either side yet circumstances won’t permit me to do that now. Sure, my winter return allowed ample opportunities to meet up with the people, especially those who’ve supported my back, that I’ve not met in a long while. I shall not name names, but you know who you are anyways. Although they’ve never expressed it through words, I can feel that they want the best for me through their conduct.

Who honestly would accompany you through the cold days, waiting for you to fall asleep before retreating to bed themselves after you?

Who honestly would allow you to rant on them with verbal tears (incl physical actions) and not take any offence?

Who honestly would silently care for you in the background?

Who honestly would take a bullet or stab for you?

Okay, now this is pushing it. I won’t allow my best friends to do that; it’s too much of a sacrifice. Plus, am I correct to iterate that humans would only do that for the ones they can’t live without - like their parents, spouse and/or children?

Spending time with them left me smiling and contented, but it opened a book of possibilities that was unreasonably expected. I had to face the demons that I hurriedly left behind: the torturing memories. The places that I visited only encouraged the suppressed memories to return and i could feel each moment all over again. Fighting the torture of a soiled friendship was like going against the strong winds - and it will always be something associated with the place. It’ll be something that I’ll constantly have to deal with whenever I’m in the vicinity. Avoiding it won’t cut it; it’s a place I always go whenever I’m in town.

Life definitely has weird turns, I’ll summarize it.

I should be concentrating instead on the dreams and goals I’ve set forward before me and making them proud. I can see it glimmering with the hope that I once harbored yet it feels like it’s out of reach. I can see them standing at the entrance of Bonython Hall with the widest grin on their faces, waiting to throw me into the air as their way of congratulating me. Sure,, that day would be one of the best day of my life. I’ll be surrounded by the best of friends with our photographs as evidence.

Whether that day will occur and when, I have no confidence. After the rough end to Semester 1, I am losing the steam and vigor to attack Semester 2 courses on the head with a hammer. We’ll just have to play by ear as to how my survival in Law School would turn out.

I really don’t know.

Should I be exasperated at the way things spiralled out of control or rather, the behavioral change of certain humans? It was something unexpected and I should shrug it off as part of life, but the more I ponder on it, the more I am pissed. It feels like there is no reciprocation of good deeds and what greeted us in return was evil deeds.

Yet my true feelings will never be known.