Just let me sink

Trust died the day my innocence perished.
Pushed against the brink,
Nothing soothes the broken, scarred heart.
Words no longer offer the protection and power
Of a wizard’s cloak.

In the evil eyes of life,
I’m collateral damage with my presence.
In the chaotic world,
I’m just an invisible soul,
Moving back and forth like waves.

Suspicion is thick in the air.
My shoulders are weary from the weight.
I retreat into the protective shell I call home
Yet I flinch at the touch of love and comfort,
Choosing to slip into darkness.

A reflection

“Sometimes I wonder what life would be like had I not made that decision.”

Now that I’m seated at the table by the window of my favorite coffeehouse, nursing an Iced Blended drink, it’s rather evident that my life has taken a divergent route as a result of that choice made. It has taken me to places I no longer want to visit and emotions that I no longer want to feel. Those periods of my life, they are best buried in the past yet remnants of it have leaked to taint my present and possibly, my future. This was not the life I planned for as a young child growing up in the little suburb that I still call home.

Lol, this life and that dream were on divergent spectrums with nothing in common.

Fringe Night Illuminations, Adelaide Fringe Festival 2018

“Maybe it’d have been better if things stayed the same.”

I’ve caught myself reflecting on my past, knowing that I’m no longer the same person that I was before the start of my tertiary education. A lot has happened in these last five years - and enough to alter my personality as a result. Thrown into the mix were avoidable yet traumatic circumstances. I mean, hearing someone jump from the building and stumbling upon their lifeless body may have the potential to cause PTSD in some cases. Friends whom I thought were there for me turned out to be just like the rest. Not only do I not recognize the reflection in the mirror (sunken eyes with a permanent shade of eyeshadow), those around me have also noticed the changes in me. The way I carry myself. The way I talk. There’s nothing much that I can do about it, truth be told. You can only ask why my brain was unable to shelter me from the consequences of those emotionally numbing events.

Then again, people will always change - there’s no way around it - especially when they’ve been thrown into the deep end of life or experienced something so traumatic that it changes the very essence of who they are.

A hibiscus flower part of the National Day celebrations | Copyright (c) to The Tempremental 

I’m not sure about you, but I personally believe that mental tension and irritability are connected with each other. One will not co-exist without the other. Now that I’m in this stressful stage, a lot of the physical symptoms have resurfaced after years of dormancy. You might suggest that I reduce the workload if it’s causing a lot of tension, but it’s rather impossible. The stack of files on my table have grown in height, sending me jitters down my spine every time I look at it. The truth of the matter is that I know the causes behind it, but my hands are tied when it comes to the successful resolution of it. Work-related stress would not impact me in that manner; only emotionally-related or academically-related ones will.

A mixture of subconscious and reality

I dreamt that a boy and a girl were at a resort hotel to run their errands, but they were chased by unknown figures. No matter how they plotted their exit by running around, they found themselves stuck on the 4th floor.

Since the elevator doors and access to the staircase were coated with ice particles, the girl decided to throw caution to the wind and ran up the steps while the guy took a risk by waiting for the elevator. Not knowing what to do next, he threw himself into the swimming pool in an attempt to commit suicide by drowning. Yet his wish didn’t come true. He was fished out by the very same people who hunted him and the girl down earlier.

The camera then panned to someone giving up the fight. It was me as a lifeguard. After saving the guy, I end up collapsing in the water from exhaustion and swallowing too much water.

*scratches head* As I only remember bits and pieces of the dream, it’ll be arduous to decipher the dream but I can try my best to do so.

There was a sense of panic when the guy attempted to prematurely end his life in the dream as I didn’t know if he’d be saved on time. Somehow, the panic gave way to peace when I was the one at death’s door. Seeing that I didn’t struggle or fight against the currents, I’d say that a part of me is dying and replaced by someone I don’t recognize.

09/12/19

Is it safe to say that no one would relate or empathize unless they’ve experienced something similar?

Reminiscence is thick in the air

Her eyes crinkled with happiness
As she received his gift.
Like a child excited over a candy store,
Her grin widened into a curve.
She whispered her thanks in his ears
As he pulled her close to him.

The warmth of his love,
It radiated through his hug.
Her strawberry-scented hair shampoo,
It lingered in his olfactory.
Love was heavy in the air,
Splashing sugar-laced water everywhere.

Memories of their relationship,
It dawned on his mind
Like ash clouding the air.
A sudden ache weighed him down
Like a boulder in the ocean,
Reminding him of his untimely loss.

Tears swam in his eyes
As he mused on their shared history.
Being with her soothed his fears.
The way her laughter sounded in his ears.
The way her words danced when she spoke.
All left his heart with a gnawing pain.

09/08/2019

As I watch the stack of files increase in height on a daily basis, I feel a whiff of stress swimming in my bloodstream. It acts as a reminder that there’s uncompleted work requiring my urgent completion.

A recycled picture from an ancient time ago

I don’t know if it’s even worth working overtime now. It’s not in anyone’s best interest for me to sacrifice my health and end up taking unnecessary medical leave to recuperate from any medical condition. I’m not doing it at the risk of losing the position altogether. I should maximize the full lunch hour to my advantage and have a change of environment, but when you’re pressed for time, there’s no way of getting it done. I’m forever propped in front of the computer and returning to work as soon as I’ve finished my meal.

Working through the lunch hour has sent me straight into the path of tension headache before. A throbbing headache greeted me almost immediately after I drank coffee. I’m not sure if it was the result of exhaustion or the lack of adequate rest. I barely functioned at the end of the day and felt like someone knocked my head with a hammer every time I stood up to my full height.

But that’s not to say that the long weekend was spent catching up on sleep, though.

Berry Fruit Tea at RM 12.90 from Pin Tea

After months of craving a particular drink from Bubble Tea Street, I made the journey there to fulfill the cravings. No, it’s not the trend of bubble tea (or boba, depending on which name you use to refer to the drink). It’s more along the lines of fruit tea instead. I had sampled bubble tea twice - once when I was much younger before the hype swept across town and another time in college - and didn’t fancy it.

It took me a while to satisfy the craving as I didn’t want to drive there amidst the traffic congestion - be it humans or cars - unless I had to run another errand within the vicinity at the same time.

Apart from that, I splurged on two pairs of footwear on clearance - even though I’ve a storage box dedicated to shoes that I wear on an infrequent basis. Is that a sign that I might be emotional spending? I hope not because it’d burn a further hole in my torn wallet . . . and holding a second job concurrently wouldn’t be in my favor at the moment.