Thursday, February 27, 2020
Wednesday, February 26, 2020
02/26/2020
Based on what I’ve posted as of late, it might be possible that something’s changed within me. While the exhaustion hasn’t pushed me over the cliff (just yet), I’m not saying that I won’t eventually be drained. You see, my job scope has a wider net now and for me to stay up on top of work, sacrifices have to be made one way or another. It’s either I stay back in the office after hours or have a shorter lunch break. Both of which are equally unhealthy for me because it is equivalent to me not being well rested. I guess the next solution would be to keep a distance from everyone and to divert all attention into the paperwork with headphones jammed into my ears. Sadly, this option wouldn’t work that well, no matter how lovely it sounds. There have been mishaps where I have ignored colleagues, screwed up on the final result that significantly differed from what was expected, and had to spend time with the typewriter.
I know I’ve messed up at work. Lol, it’s vaguely obvious to anyone who’s looking, but I’m trying not to ponder on it too much. It’d be a downhill route if I do yet it’s arduous to keep a straight face - when I desire to rush into the toilet stall, slam the door close and sit next to the toilet bowl with silent tears while calming myself down. I can’t let it affect me when I’m already feeling terrible. You see, I’m still feeling as rotten as ever. My emotions are all over the place. My focus is smashed by external thoughts with thoughts of isolation/withdrawal for the peace of my mind. It sounds easier if it’s during my downtime, but not when I’m at work. It’ll make me aloof and, unfortunately, arrogant. And I’m not about to darken the mood of those around me. It’s not fair for them. That’s why I prefer to suppress emotions and attempt to deal with it myself. Either that or my emotions are directed inwards to lessen the impact of harm. Yet it’s just as dangerous because I alone absorb the effects of isolation/withdrawal.
The moment I look up at the dark skies above me that are illuminated by the stars, I am reminded of something that I thought I had buried years ago.
“We’ll lie on the lawn and watch the stars,” is what I’ve paraphrased. I forced my brain to forget the exact words to stop myself from being badly affected by what happened consequently. My heart felt heavier than an anchor when the memory replayed itself before me. But I’ve learnt to just let it come and go on its own. It’s better than fighting it. The effects are much worse when I try to shove it away, which may explain why I chose to keep everyone including my close friends at a distance. I don’t feel safe letting anyone know what’s truly happened with me, especially if it’s done to see them free from all worries.
I am hoping for something that’ll take the edge off me and instill in me the same feelings I had when I first heard those words: being loved and feeling stable. Yet I fear that these two emotions would not return to me.
*sighs*
I guess that shouldn’t stop me from trying to pull myself out of this situation in search for the stability that I once had and lost.
 |
| A pop-up bar near the Garden of Unearthly Delights on the grounds of old Royal Adelaide Hospital |
I know I’ve messed up at work. Lol, it’s vaguely obvious to anyone who’s looking, but I’m trying not to ponder on it too much. It’d be a downhill route if I do yet it’s arduous to keep a straight face - when I desire to rush into the toilet stall, slam the door close and sit next to the toilet bowl with silent tears while calming myself down. I can’t let it affect me when I’m already feeling terrible. You see, I’m still feeling as rotten as ever. My emotions are all over the place. My focus is smashed by external thoughts with thoughts of isolation/withdrawal for the peace of my mind. It sounds easier if it’s during my downtime, but not when I’m at work. It’ll make me aloof and, unfortunately, arrogant. And I’m not about to darken the mood of those around me. It’s not fair for them. That’s why I prefer to suppress emotions and attempt to deal with it myself. Either that or my emotions are directed inwards to lessen the impact of harm. Yet it’s just as dangerous because I alone absorb the effects of isolation/withdrawal.
 |
| Kings' Park, Perth, Western Australia |
The moment I look up at the dark skies above me that are illuminated by the stars, I am reminded of something that I thought I had buried years ago.
“We’ll lie on the lawn and watch the stars,” is what I’ve paraphrased. I forced my brain to forget the exact words to stop myself from being badly affected by what happened consequently. My heart felt heavier than an anchor when the memory replayed itself before me. But I’ve learnt to just let it come and go on its own. It’s better than fighting it. The effects are much worse when I try to shove it away, which may explain why I chose to keep everyone including my close friends at a distance. I don’t feel safe letting anyone know what’s truly happened with me, especially if it’s done to see them free from all worries.
I am hoping for something that’ll take the edge off me and instill in me the same feelings I had when I first heard those words: being loved and feeling stable. Yet I fear that these two emotions would not return to me.
*sighs*
I guess that shouldn’t stop me from trying to pull myself out of this situation in search for the stability that I once had and lost.
Thursday, February 20, 2020
Left Alone
Dark thoughts that swirl in my mind,
They suffocate me with unseen hands.
The weight of it is heavier than an anchor.
I’m flailing my hands for help.
The persistence to fight the tough road,
It is being bled from my bones.
My body is losing its strength,
Drip by drip, minute after minute.
Specks of happier memories,
They rise from the ashes before me.
Bits and pieces in mixed fashion,
They console my exhausted heart.
Clouds of cold embraces me,
Soothing my tired soul.
It convinces my fatigued brain
That it is okay to let go.
Sunday, February 16, 2020
02/18/2020
Sleep is where I find the desirable peace,
Away from earthly burdens and mental torture.
Free from the control of others,
It is an area where I am myself.
Shoulders are burdened with unspoken pain.
A light burnt by agony,
Buried by piles of sadness.
My head is bent forward with a curved spine.
My eyes are trained on the floor,
Never maintaining a gaze with anyone.
Fear swims in my veins,
Chaining me in shackles.
Responsibilities weigh me down like a boulder,
Knocking my confidence off to its lowest.
Dark clouds hang above me like a sign,
Held together by an invisible draining piece of rope.
Thursday, February 13, 2020
Sunday, February 9, 2020
02/09/2020
What more can I say?
Clients and callers are surprised that I hadn’t taken a longer break for Chinese New Year. I mean, I could have if I wanted to. I was even given the permission to do so, but what’s the point of doing so when I’ll be greeted by an increased workload?
After all, I’m accruing my annual leave for emergency situations or for flights that I want to catch. Or maybe I love working too much.
Now that I’ve another job scope added to my position, there’s not much time left for me to be thinking about breaks anyway. I’d rather focus on completing what is before me and get the workload reduced to a bare minimum - even if it means shortening the time spent on lunch. I’ve gone to such extent of working while eating lunch - and we both know the result of that if done frequently. Even if it means running the risk of falling under the weather and going off on a sick leave. I know what you’re thinking. What’s the point of pushing myself beyond the edge and being ill as a result of the stress? The only answer I can give you is that I don’t have to spend an extra amount of time after I’ve recovered to catch up. One thing’s for sure; as long as I’m able to move around, there’s a chance I won’t take a day off unless I’m sick and glued to the bed.
Yet it drains me and makes me look more exhausted than I’m letting on. But it’s still better for me to force myself to complete all the paperwork without reaching out for help. At least it doesn’t give anyone - or even myself - something bad to critique on.
What more can I say?
When my personal life threatens to encroach into my work life, there’s only so much that I can do to stop both aspects of my life from mixing with each other. I’m someone who wouldn’t mind having the perfect work-life balance, but there are times when it will be shattered by a file’s urgency - or worse when rude, sarcastic people are getting on my nerves. Maybe my subconscious is correct on this: something must’ve happened for me to be easily irritated by petty matters. A part of me is also aware that something’s changed too.
Clients and callers are surprised that I hadn’t taken a longer break for Chinese New Year. I mean, I could have if I wanted to. I was even given the permission to do so, but what’s the point of doing so when I’ll be greeted by an increased workload?
After all, I’m accruing my annual leave for emergency situations or for flights that I want to catch. Or maybe I love working too much.
Now that I’ve another job scope added to my position, there’s not much time left for me to be thinking about breaks anyway. I’d rather focus on completing what is before me and get the workload reduced to a bare minimum - even if it means shortening the time spent on lunch. I’ve gone to such extent of working while eating lunch - and we both know the result of that if done frequently. Even if it means running the risk of falling under the weather and going off on a sick leave. I know what you’re thinking. What’s the point of pushing myself beyond the edge and being ill as a result of the stress? The only answer I can give you is that I don’t have to spend an extra amount of time after I’ve recovered to catch up. One thing’s for sure; as long as I’m able to move around, there’s a chance I won’t take a day off unless I’m sick and glued to the bed.
Yet it drains me and makes me look more exhausted than I’m letting on. But it’s still better for me to force myself to complete all the paperwork without reaching out for help. At least it doesn’t give anyone - or even myself - something bad to critique on.
What more can I say?
When my personal life threatens to encroach into my work life, there’s only so much that I can do to stop both aspects of my life from mixing with each other. I’m someone who wouldn’t mind having the perfect work-life balance, but there are times when it will be shattered by a file’s urgency - or worse when rude, sarcastic people are getting on my nerves. Maybe my subconscious is correct on this: something must’ve happened for me to be easily irritated by petty matters. A part of me is also aware that something’s changed too.
Saturday, February 8, 2020
Wednesday, February 5, 2020
2/5/2020
Her eyes are trained at the scenery before her.
Sipping on her latte,
Reminiscence flood her brain.
Memories of when life was lighter than a stone.
The tables of customers flood the area,
Bringing with them conversations that float.
Their laughter permeate the air
Yet it serves a painful reminder of what once was.
Her heart aches with misery,
As tears threaten to break from its dam.
Nostalgia tugs at her,
Convincing her to be herself.
Her coffee warms her cold soul,
Shattering the ice in her heart.
Her bone-chilling pain swim in her veins,
Taking away its weight.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
