Exhaustion in the Midst

The past few months have been such a challenging period that I’ve been close to dissociation to cope with the stress of it all. Balancing a full-time career with a side hustle and hobbies ain’t an easy task even for the strong hearted. (I’m already feeling some of the side effects to which I’m suppressing it during office hours. Can’t exactly afford to let it leak onto my face, can I?)

Yet, it was during one of those braindead weeks that I discovered a bunch of new cafes around my workplace. I’ve only managed to experience their dishes through takeaway because I didn’t have the extra time to spare for dine-in, but at least there are a few cafes in mind that’s worth spending time in and blogging about if the mood strikes. I mean, its homey atmosphere is enough to allow me to take a breather with a book in hand and a cup of coffee next to me.

We’ll see how it goes since old habits are dying hard.

I’m sure it’ll cause me to keep cans of 100Plus at a secret spot in the pantry where no one is able to locate it, considering that it is a popular drink in the office. As it is, I’m already stocking up on sugary drinks at home for those dizzy days.

Since another colleague had tendered her resignation, it led to a farewell lunch with takeouts as no one wanted to take the risk of dining in the restaurants. You know, with the severity of the pandemic and all. What transpired instead was a roundtable meal with our respective dishes and extra chairs being yanked into the meeting room. Don’t look at me; it wasn’t something that we had agreed upon in advance. It just so happened that everyone had the same idea of reminiscing our last few hours with the said colleague while we had the chance to.

And that led to us being packed like sardines.

Someone - I can’t remember who - even suggested a round of drinks and a sponsored dinner later that night, but none of us were open to the idea. I mean, there are various reasons for it with one being the danger of driving under the influence. I personally had my own things to attend to and it’s arduous for me to enjoy myself at events.

Although I was unable to explore the cafes and restaurants around my workplace and residence, I somehow found myself running errands and stumbling upon Christmas decorations. You could say that it was unplanned, considering that I’m not in the mood for socializing, not to mention I’m also keeping a distance from everyone and building walls again.

Could it be a symptom of me wanting a break?

Could it be a sign that I want my boundaries?

In the midst of it all was a simple birthday lunch thanks to my hesitance to honor the special day since high school. As barely anyone in the office knew about the special day, I sneaked out of the office to grab something light (although in hindsight, it’s considered high-caloric). On top of that, I also didn’t want the entire workplace, much less my department, to be aware of it since there was no mood to celebrate it.

Will this mean that I’ll hide on New Year’s Eve to sleep? We shall see because there’s a chance of me spending it with the freelance activities, lol.

Sliding Here and There

I’m back with my sporadic posts again, lol.

Now I understand why those around me have continually stressed on the importance of time management, especially when I am multitasking with multiple tasks at one go. The minute something goes awry, everything else is affected - like a deck of cards crashing. On top of that, they have even advised me to take breaks whenever necessary since we’re in the period of working from home. Not that I have any comment since it’s something that my colleague and I have already chatted about months ago. 

Photo by Lucija Ros on Unsplash

Speaking of working from home, I hope that everyone is taking care of themselves and those around them while staying safe amidst the pandemic. Now that we’re still in FMCO, a lot of sacrifices have been made, especially the part where those in the non-essential sectors have the default arrangement of working from home. Okay, you may be thinking that it’s for the best, but trust me, there’s something different about the office environment - especially the part when the colleagues head out together to catch lunch, even though it’s through takeouts.

Not to mention, it’s just as difficult on the psyche to remain indoors at all times while being unable to head outdoors whenever the desire strikes. I mean, humans are social creatures. With that being said, I can’t complain much because it’s even arduous for those who are renting rooms because they don’t have the extra floor space to loll around or in need of a change in work environment, i.e. from working in the bedroom to the dining area.

My own mental health has also taken a beating, unfortunately. I know that I might look okay on the surface, but that’s because I have spent a great deal of effort suppressing it while at work. It’s better to feign a sense of normalcy rather than allowing the emotions to be splashed all over my face because it prevents questions from being asked.

No, nothing much has happened. It’s just the same old me balancing work, life, and freelance while staying sane... Or, is it? I’m actually unsure now, especially when it’s as easy as pie for me to become stressed and lose my sanity when there’s too much at one go. Come to think of it, have I bitten off more than I can chew with my dabbles this time? I mean, I do feel that I am being torn into pieces at times... Welp. Is it a sign that I should turn my feelings into pieces of poems? 

Just lolling around the house for a particular day last week was enough to make me feel that I have wasted time - when it was meant to provide myself with a break. When I am on the verge of procrastination, I tend to hide under the covers and glue myself to the bed or be a couch potato. What happened instead was me thinking that I could have done this or completed that instead of just taking a chill pill. Yeah... to the point where I even sprained my lumbar spine and sacrum while tidying up my room, making me walk like someone who needs a cane as a mobility aid. Crap. *smacks head*

I guess it was a blessing in disguise that this happened during the period of working from home; otherwise, it would be interesting to note how I’m heading to the office without resisting the desire to pop painkillers - because the chiropractors still have not received the approval to operate at the time of this posting.

I’m also having the idea of placing my completed knitted projects up for sale, but I’m worried that it won’t reach the mass market or sell because everyone (me included) wants beautiful and perfect products. Since I’m not an experienced knitter like my knitting grandma (it’s a name me and my sister have coined for our lecturer), I don’t know if I should test the waters or completely give up on the idea.

Photo by Margarida Afonso on Unsplash

That’s if I can somehow squeeze the time for knitting into a chaotic schedule, though.

The Little Rantings

Much apologies for abandoning the blog on the back-burner. Too much has occurred in my life that has left me with little time to pursue my interests, let alone update the blog. (As usual, I can hear some of you muttering, lol.)

 
After a challenging period of balancing my side hustle and work, I’m relieved that I finally have some time to sit in front of the computer screen and pen this post, albeit at 12.57 am and the risk of turning up at work with panda eyes and being cranky. I seriously wonder how folks are able to balance a full-time career while moonlighting as a freelancer, especially when it’s arduous to maintain a fixed schedule when one’s drained and in need of sleep.

However, at least I’m forcing myself to carve some time to engage in a bit of bedtime reading - which I’ll do once I’m done with this - to provide my exhausted brain with some relief.

 

Taken before MCO

On the bright side, a new cafe has recently opened up near my workplace, which means that I’ll be able to sneak to the new haunt for a timeout (read: coffee) or to grab something sweet to calm my anxious and overheated soul (yes, when I’m stressed, my temperature spikes - don’t ask me why because I don’t have the answer). There won’t be any pictures posted here because I don’t want to risk revealing my location on such a public sphere when I can’t predict the consequences of doing so.

A little surprise from a friend - taken before MCO

Safety is still important, my friends.

Or, the fact that I’ve stumbled upon a few eateries that are worth subsequent visits - either alone or as a group - due to the tasty dishes, proximity, or memories associated with them. A typical example would be fried rice and my college graduation (I’m not sure why my brain has meshed these) or burgers and college hangouts.

Now that MCO 3.0 has made its presence known, it’s thrown my schedule topsy-turvy as I don’t mind having a lunch break in a different environment since it allows me to mingle with my colleagues and share a few inside jokes with them, giving us a little rest even for that hour. I don’t know about you guys, but a change of environment does the tired brain and emotions wonders.

Flashbacks

It's just a little something spilling from the cracks of my fingers. 

Floating in the air,
Where the soul is free from worries,
Happiness is etched on her face.
Her smile stretched from ear to ear,
With her eyes crinkling in laughter.

She looks around her;
Enveloped in the arms of her nearest and dearest,
She feels nothing but love and warmth.
Their presence,
It gives her strength to face the world.

Love is thick in the air,
Swaddling them in their own cocoon,
Where there is no one but them.
She and her loved ones,
Glued by the history they now share.

Floating Here and There

Who would have thought that it’s already 2021 in the blink of an eye?

Or was it because I have been busy with life?

I’m fully aware that I haven’t been active on the blogosphere for some time now and since the reasons for which have been explained in the previous post, I won’t go into much detail about it. But one thing’s for sure; it’s rather difficult to balance everything - life, work, freelance, and the minute ingredients - on one plate without having some me-time. I really admire those who are able to do that without sacrificing anything.

Let’s start with the Christmas dinner.

 

Christmas decoration in a restaurant

I had left the office earlier to ensure that everything went according to plan at the specified location - at the behest of the higher-ups. It was the first time that the dinner had been organized and executed, so we were all in it like clueless folks with nothing to fall back on. What struck me as surprising was how the colleagues immediately sat with each other at the assigned tables. You know, like how cliques are formed where its members are tight-knit? Yup, that kind of thing. The departments were huddled together in the narrow space.

Seating arrangements never bothered me much unless it’s an assigned one. I’ve always preferred the ability to choose my own seat because it helps with an unplanned escape - to the toilet or out of the place to answer a call.

Cappuccino

Certain facts were also indirectly revealed where I was almost frightened by what was said - even if it was done with humor. Most of my close friends are aware that my sense of humor is close to non-existent, so what’s said as a joke could be easily interpreted as something intended.

Even though it was a celebration that ended late, most of us barely made it to the workplace in one piece the next day. I, on the other hand, woke up with a severe headache (close to the ones I had in college) and would have crashed in the office since it was a suspected hangover. Trying to work while tackling a hangover - even the slightest bit of it - was rather challenging, especially when I could barely focus on the computer due to a blurred vision. I almost dropped to the floor when I stood up because my balance was off and had to hold my lowered head while walking at a tortoise’s pace to prevent my body from any unexpected movements. Luckily for me, there wasn’t much paperwork that needed completion or attention - because I had a Christmas Eve lunch to attend to with a friend.

Outdoor decorative pieces 

My food companion was prepared for a change of plans at the eleventh hour due to me feeling woozy and unsure if I’d be okay on my own outdoors. After all, I had already informed him that I needed to attend the Christmas dinner and the chances of alcohol making its presence were also there.Surprisingly, the copious amount of coffee (two mugs of black coffee is already pushing the limit for me) really worked its magic; it helped to make me feel better - almost to the point where I was confident that I wouldn’t collapse. Seeing that the cafe that we wanted to patronize was closed for their temporary renovation, we had to change our original plans and settle for a quick alternative before swinging by the ice-cream cafe for some dessert. Coffee and tea were ordered together with our individual flavors before a short conversation took place.

In hindsight, we were lucky to have caught up during the Christmas festivities because the recent introduction of MCO 2.0 has boxed us in our current locations with no confirmed dates on when we’ll be able to travel interstate or across the districts. At the time of this posting, it took us close to 3 months of waiting before we were able to have another round of hangouts - with pictures.

And close to 3 months to sit down in front of the computer to pen this post.

02/20/21

With a change of time and environment comes the introduction of a differing scope and atmosphere, yet I’m still cautious about everyone and everything around me. While I may seem loquacious and approachable, I’ve been careful to maintain a neutral approach about matters that I don’t wish to speak about. You do you, I do I, and we’re all good. Most of my friends have noticed the change in my demeanor, but they’ve chalked it up to me drained by job stress and for good reasons.

I’ve learnt that not everyone wants to see you succeed; some may appear as such on the outset, but secretly want you to fail. Some would rather chew on popcorn and watch you struggle and muddle your way through the mud - even though they have the tools to aid your journey.

There will come a time when the jigsaw puzzles will all fall into place, finally revealing the lessons behind this … sticky puddle of mess. There have been ups and downs and unexpected twists in the weeks that I have been away from the blog. It was never my intention to be absent from the blog without notice, but when life’s priorities take precedence, you’re somehow on the go for most of the days - and if there’s not enough time, sleep takes a beating instead. I honestly have no idea how the average office worker is able to cope with the additional hours spent on the daily commute from home to their workplace whereas I have issues staying awake without caffeine - and loads of it. The truth of the matter is that I’ve been busy on the downtime - between work and other matters - to the point where I don’t have excess energy to draft and pen blog posts frequently. Even those rare moments that I have are spent on YouTube and sleep.

I’ve noticed something else about me. It’s the desire to avoid bright lights or places where there are large crowds and the deep tendency to use the lunch hour to go off on a solo exploration. I mean, being alone sometimes has its benefits because it means that I’m able to kill two birds with one stone if I have errands to squeeze in or I’m able to seek solace in the nearby hangouts. It’s due to pure luck that I’m working in an area which I’m relatively familiar with, so it’s easy to search for cafes. For someone who’s survived for many years without being exposed to headaches, being thrown in the deep end of migraine attacks isn’t something that I can handle too. I’ve not consulted the doctor on this because I don’t want to be prescribed with painkillers or medications, but based on what I’ve read and experienced, it wouldn’t surprise me if I’m now suffering from migraines. I’ve had episodes where I’m sensitive to bright lights with such a pounding head that it was enough to keep me in bed for most of the day as well as throwing my food up.

Again, as long as I don’t continuously pull all-nighters, I should be able to keep the migraine attacks at bay or reduce it to a minimum.

Up until then, I’ll just have to drag my way through the mud and hope that I don’t crumble under the weight of it all. After all, pretense is something that all of us are susceptible to succumbing to, though not many are successful in doing so because it takes effort and practice combined with the ability to convince others. And this is where things become murky; with enough effort, you can easily mislead someone into believing that you’re really doing fine … when you’re not.