January 2019
Much to the contrary, there wasn’t much that I did to welcome the new year.
I basically took some time out to recuperate from the academic and environmental stress in Adelaide. Just because I’ve not spoken much about life as an international student there doesn’t mean that it’s all rosy. My body rebelled in the weirdest way possible - it gifted me with a bout of the flu the moment the weather became hotter and the temperature increased.
February 2019
As evidenced by the calendar, the first week of the month was dedicated to the FT holiday and the Chinese New Year season. While a majority of my friends returned with their parents to their hometowns, I remained in the Klang Valley to bask in the peace and solace of the area. Trust me, it’s rare that we, residents in the Klang Valley, are able to have a moment of serenity to ourselves. On a normal given day, we’re surrounded by vehicle and foot traffic. So, what I did instead was to visit the shopping malls and snap a photograph or two of the decorations. Because I found myself dangerously close to the precipice, I prioritized more on myself and my work life, so my apologies to all of the friends that I’ve accidentally ignored.
After months of liaison and accommodation with each other’s plans, my English classmate (from college) and I were finally able to meet in person. We only had a quick meal at the nearby cafe near our campus due to the time constraints on her part. Well, at least we managed to meet up - cause it’d be extremely arduous to schedule a time when we’re both busy with our separate careers.
This illustrates how long the cafe has been operating in its current location. A past memory rose from the ashes as we entered and were guided to our seat by the waiter. I had actually visited this cafe with a couple of friends in the second semester of my college - and it was my first time there. We ordered our individual desserts as two of us had to rush to campus to attend our next classes. My heart chuckled when I saw that the cafe still carried the dish that I ordered back then.
In fact, one of the pictures that I took back then has been left untouched on my Instagram.
But either way, the hangout took my mind off the mess that I faced and gave me some breathing room.
March 2019
No matter how hard I tried to keep myself busy, there were a lot of intrusive thoughts that threatened to weigh me down and derail everything in my path. Put it this way, it was similar to an emotional instability with a style of a pendulum swing. I’m fine for one moment but terrible in the next. The multiple posts in this month were an additional precursor to my mental state of mind.
It didn’t help that I dreamt of an empty white house, albeit a basic one with all of the fixtures (e.g. fans, lights, kitchen cabinet, water heater and anything you’d expect to come with basic house). There was a sense of loneliness as I stood in the middle of the living room and watched as the movers took the last bit of my belongings into storage. This led me to reminisce on something that I wish I don’t have to.
My hands became itchy out of boredom in the figurative sense, which meant that it’s time for me to enter the workforce as a graduate. Too much free time would make a person lazy or unwilling to kickstart their job search.
April 2019
This month marked the beginning of a future endeavor. If you mentioned that I’d be doing this last semester, I’d have replied that you were pulling my leg. Not much can be described about it due to the legal consequences attached to the NDA. It paved the way for me to slowly settle into the work-life balance as a form of practice - before I slide into the next stage of my life. The scope of my job position didn’t touch much on my major, but at least it opened my eyes to an entirely different field. It also provided me with an opportunity to learn more about other things. Seeing that I lived with fury for the last couple of years, my job provided me with a well-deserved mental break. I’d rather stress my brain over the tasks in the office than on my emotions.
The only downside to this is that it has thrown my diet and digestion out of whack, but I’m sure it’ll be manageable once I’ve fallen into a routine. Weekends have become more of a sacred time to me. I’m sure any person having a career would understand this part. As a result, all of us kept in touch via social media rather than in person because none of us possessed the energy to come out for a drink. Even if we did, we’d crawl like turtles to the agreed place with panda eyes.
The continual exposure to humans drained me to the point where I relied on borrowed energy from the depths of my soul. Not only did I have to complete all of the assigned tasks, my relatives flew in from abroad at the same time. There wasn’t much privacy around for me to loll around the house to recover from the energy expenditure.
May 2019
Truth be told, the Labor Day holiday couldn’t have arrived at a better timing. I was exhausted to the point where I rocked up to work with a fever and refused to go on MC. Yeah, I know I shouldn’t have done that. If you’ve seen what I did in college, you wouldn’t be surprised. When my university friend discovered about this, he was also annoyed with me because it’s akin to playing with fire. At the same time, I battled with emotional exhaustion that I kept hidden from my colleagues. One colleague noticed it and thought that I didn’t like my lunch instead, lol. I’d be growling if the food wasn’t tasty.
The week of Wesak Day was a bit testy as we had the holidays peppered around us. I don’t think anyone likes to have a holiday, return to work for one day, and continue with the remainder of it. It just throws the mood off as it’s not easy to tune it from working to holiday and holiday to working. It took us a while before we eased ourselves back into the working period again.
June 2019
And so, my casual position ended in the blink of an eye. Imagine how fast time has flown past us. I remember trying to be accustomed to the company culture without being attached to the colleagues on the first day. I mean, the ending was clear from the start: it was a temporary position and I was never meant to be a permanent member of the staff. It is a good and bad thing, depending on which angle you’re looking at. Good because I’m able to sample the work-life balance in this field. Bad because I like the chill aura in the office. It’s not like colleagues are at each other’s throats all the time.
The weather didn’t help us on my last day either. It rained at least thrice in the morning itself - as if the clouds cried over my limited hours in the workplace. There was a long-time battle with my own emotions, but I forced myself to remain stoic on the outside. One look into my eyes would reveal that I’m exhausted - but whether it’s from a work-related one or an emotional one is up to individual interpretation.
July 2019
I introverted more often than I should - where I spent more time indoors to focus on the freelance writing. Certain things happened offline that solidified the fear of Mr. Muse sailing off on an unknown journey again. The more I look at my manuscript, the more I’m tempted to throw it into the bottom drawer with the intention of never touching it again until I’ve a clearer mind. There were sleepless nights with lots of worries weighing me down in the silence of the night, so it shouldn’t have been a surprise that I gave myself a permanent pair of panda eyes.
To make matters worse, I twisted my ankle while hiking one weekend. A reasonable person would’ve seen the doctor or placed little to no pressure on the injured foot. I did neither as I had errands to accomplish. I even met up with another friend in the midst of it. Please don’t ask whether we were overcome with insanity or insistence since the person was only staying in town for a night. I don’t know; there was a strong sense of familiarity when we saw each other from a distance in the mall (even though there’s a few years gap since we met up).
As for the twisted ankle, it took me close to a month before the foot was stable enough for me to walk with - yet I was susceptible to further injuries. I only realized this when I almost sprained the same ankle again.
Too much rest would’ve rendered me lazy and restless with a tendency to overthink, so I took a breath to apply for another but permanent position with one of the firms in town. I hoped that I adapted well to the new environment and a different kind of workload.
August 2019
I didn’t know how to describe the new position except that there’s a lot of paperwork to keep me on the go daily. At least it had a different angle from the casual position. With that being said, I waddled through the company practice and office policies to find my way, but I guessed that time is all I needed to be familiarized with the documents too. I became okay - the more I was exposed to the tasks and the more I dealt with it.
Another divergent thing about the position was the tendency to spend the lunch hour in the office to purchase more time for completion of tasks. The casual position, on the other hand, allowed me to catch a breath here and there - even though it was just as stressful.
September 2019
One thing’s for sure. I’ve started to push myself beyond the breaking point with work. I mean, being one of the earlier ones to arrive and the later ones to leave would eventually become a possibility if I have my way. I’m overworked with little time to myself. Whatever limited free time I have, I tend to spend it on sleep and alone to recharge the batteries. Yet it failed to work in my favor. The emotions I attempted to suppress manifested itself in physical symptoms that were aggravated by stress.
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| A quick coffee break somewhere at Gawler Place, Adelaide |
There were three consecutive weeks of public holidays and for the weirdest reason, it wasn’t enough to permit my soul to recuperate from all of the exhaustion. I sat by the window of my favorite coffeehouse on one of the weekends, nursing a mug of warm coffee. With a hand supporting the weight of my head, I observe the interaction of strangers but there was a sense of heaviness instead. Although it came at a time when I required it, it wasn’t enough. I bit the tree bark in persistence and hoped that I wouldn’t crash from the weight of everything on my shoulder.
October 2019
The month sailed past faster than the digital clock without any one of us realizing it. Well, I guess I had a bit of a heads up about this. Yet being thrown into the deep end of things without much padding wasn’t too comfortable to endure either, but it forced me to absorb as much as I can and learn from the mistakes while relying on myself to get things done. If I had the chance to do so, I’d have worked overtime just to clear the outstanding paperwork to avoid the pounding stress in my head.
But hey, at least it kept me on the go and away from those negative thoughts of mine.
It unfortunately came at a price. Instead of spending my lunch hour outdoors or in a different environment, I spent most of my lunch break multitasking . . . between my meal and the paperwork that lie in front of me. Some of it required completion before I’m off for the day, so it made sense for me to work through lunch. The rest of it were out of a conscious decision due to me having an extra hour to deal with, but it’s unhealthy to work without rest. I comprehended that I should’ve taken the break instead of snafuing on things due to the lack of adequate rest, but it was what it was. My insistence to stay indoors for straight hours resulted in a rising headache towards the end of a working day. Yet I couldn’t rely on Panadol to buy me some relief since I didn’t eat much for lunch. I mean, a few pieces of biscuits and cappuccino do not constitute a full meal.
*sighs*
You’ll probably understand when you’ve a limited timeframe to work with on a daily basis and a high turnover rate. There’s no room for error as no one accepts a delayed completion time and everything hinges on how fast you can finalize your part.
November 2019
I was relieved when the workload tapered down enough for me to catch a breath and review the files temporarily abandoned at the corner of my table. Yet I was still stressed out of my wits at the amount of work I needed to complete. The desire to isolate and withdraw from everyone to cope with the emotional and mental exhaustion was as strong as ever, especially when I refrained from coming clean about my feelings. I was aware of the need for a quick getaway alone or a day off work to catch up on sleep, but nothing could be done about it - seeing that I don’t have extra disposable income to make vacation a living reality.
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| We Bare Bears series at Miniso Sunway Pyramid |
I threw myself into work and turned into someone else in the process to cope with the stress, which was a dangerous thing because it meant depleting an already exhausted self. I was close to pulling my hair whenever things didn’t turn out according to plan or when everyone wanted a piece of me. Yet what made it harder to deal with was the intention to relax with a glass of beer or Merlot to soft, classical music playing in the background. On a given day, it sounded like the perfect idea to unwind after a stressful week in the office - but not when it’s used as a method of avoidance.
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| Harrods Bear at KLIA International Departures Terminal |
With that being said, I managed to take enough time out to take a chill pill. I lost myself in the process of taking photographs of the festive decorations and window shopping in the malls. Maybe I needed something to momentarily take the edge off my mind - yet it didn’t do much to soothe the exhausted soul.
December 2019
Much to my expectation, I did nothing to celebrate my birthday except the two trips to my favorite coffeehouse and ordered those dishes. It can’t be classified as dishes since all I ordered was liquids. I knew it sounded depressing, especially when my colleagues weren’t aware of my birthday on the day itself. I didn’t take the initiative to inform them or the office management since I lacked the emotion to celebrate it.
A sign of apathy? I hoped not.
I mean, what good are birthdays when it served as a reminder that you’re a year older with more adulting to be done?
Yet a close friend of mine surprised me with birthday souvenirs from his recent vacation abroad. He only said it as much and told me to wait for it. The items braved the seasonal changes and a bumpy ride from his place to mine. It wasn’t until my office admin yelled from across the office for me upon receipt of the padded envelope bearing my name that I understood his words. The meaning of the items was obvious to those who saw it; it even convinced them to throw me under the bus about my relationship status. As long as our conscience is clear, that’s the most important.
Although the paperwork slowed down for the last month of the year, I wasn’t able to relax much either. I was pretty much on the go to the point where I crashed on the bed upon arriving home. All I wanted was to be left alone in my own thoughts and sleep for days on end to rejuvenate my body.
Christmas festivities were also around the corner, but there was no celebration for me as I didn’t have the mood for a multitude of reasons. Instead, what I did was tour the nearby shopping malls and digitally freeze the yearly attraction for my scrapbook.
