Wednesday, September 23, 2020
Saturday, September 12, 2020
Emotions and dreams
This is one of those nights where my subconscious took a divergent turn in the form of a peculiar dream.
I dreamt that I harbored the intention to quietly embark on a permanent vacation to escape the earthly misery. In preparation for my plans, I convinced my family to have lunch on their own and lied that I had urgent matters to attend to when I wanted to finish off the job. On the way to the chosen destination, I passed by a mall with pink paint and shrubs yet it was devoid of any visitors or shoppers alike. Just like my heart, it had the aura of an empty space.
Hours after I jumped into the open waters, there were passersby gathering at the spot where I was last seen. The police were also there to ensure that the crowd didn’t become rowdy or extremely inquisitive while SAR (search and rescue) scouted the area for any traces of me, be it with a breathing soul or not.
The camera then panned to a different scene where I was in the middle of a living room, surrounded by homo sapiens who felt like relatives. I was seated on the three seater couch and facing the television whereas they were scattered on the remaining seats. Although I could hear the chatter, I couldn’t see anything. My attempt damaged my vision and caused both of my eyes to be surgically removed due to the injury sustained, leaving only the eye sockets. People couldn’t look me in the eye and I had to lower my head all the time for the fear of scaring the lights out of them.
The area was surrounded with white walls and a peaceful, light air attached to it. There was no element of worries at all. Someone emerged from behind the living room and overheard noises coming from outside, so I asked for a description. According to the same person, there were two bulky men with strong necks wanting to see me, so I immediately asked the individual to get a knife or something to defend all of us because the visitors meant harm.
Deciphering the dream could be a tad bit difficult due to the dark nature of it, but let’s give it a go.
The part where I wanted to throw myself off the cliffs and into the sea may signify “a dangerous or uncertain situation that you are choosing to confront all at once. Choosing to face a problem , “get your hands dirty”, or take a big chance. Making the choice to get involved with something unpleasant. To dream of jumping off something may reflect your desperation to avoid something. Suicidal desperation or desperation to get out of a situation. You may be uncomfortable in a situation and need to plan a better way out.” *sighs* I wonder if this is indicative to what I’m enduring in my personal life. I won’t describe it as precarious per se, but definitely complicated and challenging to such a point where I want to throw the towel and hide in a dark corner away from prying and concerned eyes.
Me dreaming about that empty shopping mall is a reflection of my reserved attitude. Dream About Meaning.com elaborates more about it: “There is some emotional issue that you need to deal with instead of letting it clog up within you. You may not be seeing things the way they really are. This is sadly an admonition for some nagging or annoying issue. You are having problems communicating your feelings and thoughts to others.” Bam, I’m getting the sense that my subconscious is pushing me to care more for my emotions instead of falling back on the default of suppression and to approach my personal life from another point of view to get my message across.
The living room with the white walls “represents feelings about yourself having to be perfectly honest in your life. A room with white walls may also reflect life situations where you are confronting a lot of negatively. A theme to your life that revolves around fixing problems you never got to fix before. Feeling that your entire life revolves around witnessing other people revealing their dishonest intentions to you over and over. A fear of not being perfectly honest at all times.” Because I’ve been burnt by people’s selfish behaviors repeatedly, I’ve learnt to keep myself at a distance with a bubble so that I won’t be hurt again. Yet this comes at a price. By me not being close to anyone, no one truly knows the inner workings of my mind and my truest emotions… plus my vulnerability could be used against me if the other party wants to see me crumble into pieces.
Me having empty eye sockets in the dream would be the part that resonates well with my life. AuntyFlo.com opines that it is illustrative of my dissatisfaction and my fear of trust, especially when there’s someone trustworthy in my life. If you ask me, it’s ironic that the dream is a reflection of my lack of trust. Due to what I’ve experienced over the years, I rarely have my full trust in anyone, especially when the last I trusted someone, things went south… and while I understood why things happened the way it did, I still felt a tad bit betrayed.
I dreamt that I harbored the intention to quietly embark on a permanent vacation to escape the earthly misery. In preparation for my plans, I convinced my family to have lunch on their own and lied that I had urgent matters to attend to when I wanted to finish off the job. On the way to the chosen destination, I passed by a mall with pink paint and shrubs yet it was devoid of any visitors or shoppers alike. Just like my heart, it had the aura of an empty space.
Hours after I jumped into the open waters, there were passersby gathering at the spot where I was last seen. The police were also there to ensure that the crowd didn’t become rowdy or extremely inquisitive while SAR (search and rescue) scouted the area for any traces of me, be it with a breathing soul or not.
The camera then panned to a different scene where I was in the middle of a living room, surrounded by homo sapiens who felt like relatives. I was seated on the three seater couch and facing the television whereas they were scattered on the remaining seats. Although I could hear the chatter, I couldn’t see anything. My attempt damaged my vision and caused both of my eyes to be surgically removed due to the injury sustained, leaving only the eye sockets. People couldn’t look me in the eye and I had to lower my head all the time for the fear of scaring the lights out of them.
The area was surrounded with white walls and a peaceful, light air attached to it. There was no element of worries at all. Someone emerged from behind the living room and overheard noises coming from outside, so I asked for a description. According to the same person, there were two bulky men with strong necks wanting to see me, so I immediately asked the individual to get a knife or something to defend all of us because the visitors meant harm.
Deciphering the dream could be a tad bit difficult due to the dark nature of it, but let’s give it a go.
The part where I wanted to throw myself off the cliffs and into the sea may signify “a dangerous or uncertain situation that you are choosing to confront all at once. Choosing to face a problem , “get your hands dirty”, or take a big chance. Making the choice to get involved with something unpleasant. To dream of jumping off something may reflect your desperation to avoid something. Suicidal desperation or desperation to get out of a situation. You may be uncomfortable in a situation and need to plan a better way out.” *sighs* I wonder if this is indicative to what I’m enduring in my personal life. I won’t describe it as precarious per se, but definitely complicated and challenging to such a point where I want to throw the towel and hide in a dark corner away from prying and concerned eyes.
Credits to Arrow photo created by freepik - www.freepik.com and Designed by Freepik for the image
Me dreaming about that empty shopping mall is a reflection of my reserved attitude. Dream About Meaning.com elaborates more about it: “There is some emotional issue that you need to deal with instead of letting it clog up within you. You may not be seeing things the way they really are. This is sadly an admonition for some nagging or annoying issue. You are having problems communicating your feelings and thoughts to others.” Bam, I’m getting the sense that my subconscious is pushing me to care more for my emotions instead of falling back on the default of suppression and to approach my personal life from another point of view to get my message across.
The living room with the white walls “represents feelings about yourself having to be perfectly honest in your life. A room with white walls may also reflect life situations where you are confronting a lot of negatively. A theme to your life that revolves around fixing problems you never got to fix before. Feeling that your entire life revolves around witnessing other people revealing their dishonest intentions to you over and over. A fear of not being perfectly honest at all times.” Because I’ve been burnt by people’s selfish behaviors repeatedly, I’ve learnt to keep myself at a distance with a bubble so that I won’t be hurt again. Yet this comes at a price. By me not being close to anyone, no one truly knows the inner workings of my mind and my truest emotions… plus my vulnerability could be used against me if the other party wants to see me crumble into pieces.
Me having empty eye sockets in the dream would be the part that resonates well with my life. AuntyFlo.com opines that it is illustrative of my dissatisfaction and my fear of trust, especially when there’s someone trustworthy in my life. If you ask me, it’s ironic that the dream is a reflection of my lack of trust. Due to what I’ve experienced over the years, I rarely have my full trust in anyone, especially when the last I trusted someone, things went south… and while I understood why things happened the way it did, I still felt a tad bit betrayed.
Thursday, September 10, 2020
Wednesday, September 9, 2020
Saturday, September 5, 2020
Something I'll never forget
Writing this from a third person would definitely be of great assistance as it allows me to completely detach myself from the contents of today’s post. You’ll comprehend why at the end of the post.
Before I continue, I need to warn you, my dear readers, that there are trigger warnings of suicide and trauma. If it’ll make you queasy or set off traumatic reminiscences, please, please, please don’t read what I’m about to write.
(scroll down a tad bit more)
Something happened in the course of her studies and she had totally forgotten about it until he stumbled upon the YouTube videos on mental health while sliding down the rabbit hole of research for an unrelated topic.
What surprises her to this day is her reaction towards it. She had expected herself to respond in a more emotional way - like panic or even tears - due to the cold hand on the base of her spine. She didn’t break down in panic, but her face was bleached with such fear and pallor that her hands started to shake.
There were lingering aftereffects. She was surrounded by that cold, eerie feeling for the rest of the night, she whispered in the air as she begged for peace and to be left alone, and she barely slept without having the nightlight switched on until the next morning. She was even scared of falling asleep for the fear of nightmares. But she didn’t have much time to deal with it because of what she prioritized at that moment.
Her exam papers.
Yes, after years of skirting around the topic, she’s willing to spill a tad bit more, considering the length of time. Since it’s been many years now, you’ll need to exercise a great amount of effort to gain access to it even with the right keywords.
*takes a gulp of her cappuccino that’s now turned cold*
She was supposed to be revising for one of her papers, but had to sort out some important matters beforehand. It was in the midst of her call that she heard something landing on the ground outside with a thud, but paid no attention to it. She figured that it was a dislodged block of cement that fell. She only suspected something amiss when she spotted security guards on their handheld transceivers (read: walkie-talkie) at the road opposite her place. The fear-induced trauma swimming in that pedestrian’s eyes finally piqued her curiosity, and so, she went to take a peek.
Her heart sank to the pit of her stomach when she saw what she saw. It would now remain as a faint memory in her mind: a long-legged person in black - from head to toe - motionless on the roof. The sweatshirt’s hood obscured the person’s head. It was in this moment that her mind connected the two and two together. The sound that she heard while being on the phone was not the brick smashing, but rather the impact of a person plummeting on a hard surface.
Being close yet far from it assisted with the level of exposure in some ways, she’d say. The aftermath would’ve been greater on her emotions and mental well-being. And she’d have trouble focusing on her final paper as it was scheduled the day after that. Her acquaintances knew nothing of what she experienced. To them, she merely wore the look of someone stressed. Her sister, on the other hand, knew what transpired and kept an eye on her while she was careful enough not to trigger anything.
Had I shared it in first person, it’d bring my mind back to that fateful day and possibly break the gates of sorrows again. I didn’t cry per se, but I sort of understood the person’s decision to end his pain in this fashion. It taught me a couple of things about the extent of our willingness to end our pain: once you’re deep in that dark place, you crave for death to kill the sufferings because you’ve lost all of the hope that life brings in its presence. Not everyone’s vocal about their feelings because society just doesn’t encourage us much on this. When we speak up about our feelings, the default response is to “suck it up” or “don’t feel this way”. It’s dangerously easy to fall through the cracks.
One dark move and that’s it.
That’s one part of the explanation. The other is that I’ll end up oversharing about my fragile emotional state of mind as a result of the trauma that I went through. Put it this way, it's enough to change my understanding of 1) how life works and 2) how people behave. It's too personal for me to share on such a public platform, so I'll leave it at that.
Before I continue, I need to warn you, my dear readers, that there are trigger warnings of suicide and trauma. If it’ll make you queasy or set off traumatic reminiscences, please, please, please don’t read what I’m about to write.
(scroll down a tad bit more)
Something happened in the course of her studies and she had totally forgotten about it until he stumbled upon the YouTube videos on mental health while sliding down the rabbit hole of research for an unrelated topic.
What surprises her to this day is her reaction towards it. She had expected herself to respond in a more emotional way - like panic or even tears - due to the cold hand on the base of her spine. She didn’t break down in panic, but her face was bleached with such fear and pallor that her hands started to shake.
There were lingering aftereffects. She was surrounded by that cold, eerie feeling for the rest of the night, she whispered in the air as she begged for peace and to be left alone, and she barely slept without having the nightlight switched on until the next morning. She was even scared of falling asleep for the fear of nightmares. But she didn’t have much time to deal with it because of what she prioritized at that moment.
Her exam papers.
Yes, after years of skirting around the topic, she’s willing to spill a tad bit more, considering the length of time. Since it’s been many years now, you’ll need to exercise a great amount of effort to gain access to it even with the right keywords.
*takes a gulp of her cappuccino that’s now turned cold*
She was supposed to be revising for one of her papers, but had to sort out some important matters beforehand. It was in the midst of her call that she heard something landing on the ground outside with a thud, but paid no attention to it. She figured that it was a dislodged block of cement that fell. She only suspected something amiss when she spotted security guards on their handheld transceivers (read: walkie-talkie) at the road opposite her place. The fear-induced trauma swimming in that pedestrian’s eyes finally piqued her curiosity, and so, she went to take a peek.
Her heart sank to the pit of her stomach when she saw what she saw. It would now remain as a faint memory in her mind: a long-legged person in black - from head to toe - motionless on the roof. The sweatshirt’s hood obscured the person’s head. It was in this moment that her mind connected the two and two together. The sound that she heard while being on the phone was not the brick smashing, but rather the impact of a person plummeting on a hard surface.
Being close yet far from it assisted with the level of exposure in some ways, she’d say. The aftermath would’ve been greater on her emotions and mental well-being. And she’d have trouble focusing on her final paper as it was scheduled the day after that. Her acquaintances knew nothing of what she experienced. To them, she merely wore the look of someone stressed. Her sister, on the other hand, knew what transpired and kept an eye on her while she was careful enough not to trigger anything.
Had I shared it in first person, it’d bring my mind back to that fateful day and possibly break the gates of sorrows again. I didn’t cry per se, but I sort of understood the person’s decision to end his pain in this fashion. It taught me a couple of things about the extent of our willingness to end our pain: once you’re deep in that dark place, you crave for death to kill the sufferings because you’ve lost all of the hope that life brings in its presence. Not everyone’s vocal about their feelings because society just doesn’t encourage us much on this. When we speak up about our feelings, the default response is to “suck it up” or “don’t feel this way”. It’s dangerously easy to fall through the cracks.
One dark move and that’s it.
That’s one part of the explanation. The other is that I’ll end up oversharing about my fragile emotional state of mind as a result of the trauma that I went through. Put it this way, it's enough to change my understanding of 1) how life works and 2) how people behave. It's too personal for me to share on such a public platform, so I'll leave it at that.
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