A reflection

“Sometimes I wonder what life would be like had I not made that decision.”

Now that I’m seated at the table by the window of my favorite coffeehouse, nursing an Iced Blended drink, it’s rather evident that my life has taken a divergent route as a result of that choice made. It has taken me to places I no longer want to visit and emotions that I no longer want to feel. Those periods of my life, they are best buried in the past yet remnants of it have leaked to taint my present and possibly, my future. This was not the life I planned for as a young child growing up in the little suburb that I still call home.

Lol, this life and that dream were on divergent spectrums with nothing in common.

Fringe Night Illuminations, Adelaide Fringe Festival 2018

“Maybe it’d have been better if things stayed the same.”

I’ve caught myself reflecting on my past, knowing that I’m no longer the same person that I was before the start of my tertiary education. A lot has happened in these last five years - and enough to alter my personality as a result. Thrown into the mix were avoidable yet traumatic circumstances. I mean, hearing someone jump from the building and stumbling upon their lifeless body may have the potential to cause PTSD in some cases. Friends whom I thought were there for me turned out to be just like the rest. Not only do I not recognize the reflection in the mirror (sunken eyes with a permanent shade of eyeshadow), those around me have also noticed the changes in me. The way I carry myself. The way I talk. There’s nothing much that I can do about it, truth be told. You can only ask why my brain was unable to shelter me from the consequences of those emotionally numbing events.

Then again, people will always change - there’s no way around it - especially when they’ve been thrown into the deep end of life or experienced something so traumatic that it changes the very essence of who they are.

A hibiscus flower part of the National Day celebrations | Copyright (c) to The Tempremental 

I’m not sure about you, but I personally believe that mental tension and irritability are connected with each other. One will not co-exist without the other. Now that I’m in this stressful stage, a lot of the physical symptoms have resurfaced after years of dormancy. You might suggest that I reduce the workload if it’s causing a lot of tension, but it’s rather impossible. The stack of files on my table have grown in height, sending me jitters down my spine every time I look at it. The truth of the matter is that I know the causes behind it, but my hands are tied when it comes to the successful resolution of it. Work-related stress would not impact me in that manner; only emotionally-related or academically-related ones will.