Heartfelt Thoughts

So, I guess we’re back to square one.

Or a crossroad, shall I say.

Now that I have much more time on my hands to muck around with, I’ve been reflecting on the decisions that led me to the person that I am today. Deep thoughts are known to result in a headache and derailed emotions for me, which is why I rarely engage in them unless I have to. Yet I see a pattern emerging: whenever I’m downhearted, I’ll push all of my friends away while I hide in a dark abyss where no one can reach me - all while maintaining a neutral expression in reality. Even my text messages would not reveal the slightest inch of my emotions. It’d take those who know me through and through to reach out when I’m not myself instead. It’s just part of who I am. I’ve never been one to speak of my truest feelings unless encouraged by someone close. Whenever I’m elated, I’m hyper to such a stage where I can jump from wall to wall - figuratively. You can tell from my nonverbal cues too.



Being the girl that sat on the stone brick wall fencing in Glenelg, it was one of the rarest moments in which my eyes betrayed my innermost sentiments. My thoughts ran like wildfire just as my sister caught a candid photo of me. My lips curved upwards but my organ of vision portrayed something else: something close to severe exhaustion.

“Fed up of life” was what she described in the days after that.

The picture is still with me, buried somewhere in the photo vault. And years later, that look has turned me into a sleep deprived bear who stayed awake for centuries and earned me a rather entertaining nickname

I’ll be reaching yet another milestone in a couple more months and truth be told, I’m not sure how to feel about it. All of the dreams that I had envisioned for myself have been derailed by unforeseen circumstances to such a stage where I compiled it, squashed it into an unmarked wooden box and threw it into the open seas (read: the Malacca Straits) before hiding the keys in a different location. The reason being that holding on to it would repeatedly break my heart and remind me of something that I’ll never have, even though my brother has offered to realize it in exchange of seeing me smile like a kid with candy again. In short, I’ve lost faith. Too many things have happened over the years that I lack the courage to hope for the fear of deep disappointment. Trust me, the disappointment will tear straight into my heart and leave me feeling as if there’s a weighted invisible cloak enveloping me.

“I’m drained,” was what I told my brother in the months after that.



You could say that what I experienced caused me to make drastic decisions to protect my emotional well-being from further harm. Yet you’ll never see this unless you’re lucky enough to be close to me. I’m not someone who easily lowers her guard unless I’m sure you have genuine intentions.

Maybe it’s for the best that I be like a sensitive oyster closing its shell upon detection of noise pollution. Maybe I won’t have to continuously see the dark side of people anymore.