8/4/18

Maybe it’s the effects of winter, I don’t know.

Writing this in the wee hours of the morning when I have an 8 am class isn’t exactly the best thing I should be doing. It doesn’t help that I’m about to blog on flashbacks - of all the topics to choose from. Flashbacks of the awkward interaction have occurred at times when I don’t need it to affect my emotions.

It has happened so many times out of nowhere, ready to pounce on the unsuspecting me. You can see the change in me if you look careful; I’ll retreat into my shell and detach from the present situation. When that happens, just leave me as it is.

The fact is I’m tired.

I’m tired of dealing with things.

I’m tired of pretending everything is okay when it's not. You guys will never understand unless you’ve lived my life in my shoes.

My heart bleeds uncontrollably when those episodes decide to ruin my day. It is during those moments of discomfort that I ask myself, have I gotten the short end of the stick? Has life given me too much to handle at such a tender age - even before I’m of the legal drinking age? I know that we all have our own battles to fight in the dark, but I just can’t help but wonder why some people are exempted from the cruel stroke of fate. I don't like being tormented by those flashbacks because it angers me to the point where my sleep is disrupted.

Sure, having someone there to soothe the anger would be good, but I’m not one who listens to reassurances. It's either let me whinge or piss off. It's either help me to resolve it or leave me alone. Reassurances won't change a thing; if it does, I wouldn't be so … on the edge. But it’ll would help if there's someone to embrace me with the warmth, comfort, and strength.

Just sitting there in the silence with me, watching the bright lights of dusk.

Just sitting there with whispers of the night.


It makes me wonder whether things would be different if a crystal ball had been used. Certain things would’ve remained the same, that's for sure, but there would’ve been changes. For one, I’d have been able to make enough inferences from the evidence to formulate an argument on this. In an alternate universe, where perfection exists, yes, I'm confident that I can deal with it. I skirted around it with the hope that it’ll die out - much to from the evidence to the allegations although it was just hearsay. It didn’t work - much to my shock and horror.

Because I knew what I stood against from the outset, I saw us more suited as friends and nothing more than that. I could predict the amount of complications and headache spanning from it. Yet my heart still feels uncomfortable every time I see/hear something that reminds me of him.

Maybe it’s because of that card I played.

I played it without fear or understanding of the consequences that will arise from my actions.

Although I have said it before and countless times before (that I’m comfortable with leaving things the way it is if it meant happiness on his side), my heart seems to disagree with my brain. The heart wants the opportunity to make amends and soothe the awkwardness that may have occurred between us in the past. The brain, on the other hand, has created an invisible barrier in between and keeps reminding me that it’d be for the worse if I ever find a way to communicate with him.