Save me from the mess

It wasn’t something I factored into my consideration.

It wasn’t even something that should’ve impacted me in such a manner, seeing that I had a prior experience with it.

A swamped week of assignments that left me on the edge for the most of the week - and I accepted the challenge. Yet it derailed in front of my eyes. No matter how much I prepared, it wasn’t enough to soothe the racing heart.

There was no point in avoiding it because I’d have to eventually face it, but being sent to the deep end at the height of an anxiety attack was something I didn’t expect. What saved me was the knowledge of the consequences. As I slipped into the role that was assigned to me, I improvised with what I remembered and threw in the towel. I’m someone who prefers the clear divide between maintaining appearances in public and letting myself go in private; I wasn’t about to let the panic leak onto my facial features. I drained the contents of my water bottle and absently reached out for my friend’s bottle without even realizing that it was the sign of nerves. It was until my teammate took a glance at me and whispered that I should take a few deep breaths to calm down. Great, I’m sure if he saw it, it means that I wore that glassy look instead.

My throat felt like it was being restricted. My hands shook with such intensity that for a moment, I thought I was losing control. I zoned out as a coping mechanism, but my eyes kept darting in the direction of the door. Thank heavens nobody noticed it… or so I thought. Just like old times, I’ll receive apologies once the roleplay has been completed.

The anxiety was still thick in the air… no matter how much I wanted it gone by the time I had to complete another oral assignment. I have no idea what’s going on now; the oral presentations last semester were nerve-wrecking because I decided to do both of them in the same week. And no, there was no undue influence. As for this semester, my emotions are divided in various directions as a result of the workload and stress. Even volunteering for an event over the weekend didn’t help either; I mysteriously landed myself in a pot of stress even though it’s a role I’m comfortable with.

I’m still panicky as I’m writing this - even though it has been days since the fact. The bright side is that I can now take a short breather and retune my emotions. I know my mind, body, and soul well; when I’m drowning in more matters than I can cope and suffering from sleep deprivation (that may or may not incited by insomnia), the automatic response is an internal collapse.