12/16/18

Now that I've been back for a while, the subtle changes that I've pushed aside are more evident. Maybe not for others, but definitely for me. Favors would not necessarily be returned once it has been given out, regardless of the nature of the relationship between both parties. It also doesn’t matter if it was willingly given or forced out of someone.

It is for that reason that I’ve kept people at arm’s length. I don’t want them to hurt me or flex their muscles at me. It has been more than once that they have proven me right: they are only there to wait for my downfall before laughing at me. I’ve had moments in my life where I’ve experienced such strong disappointment with former friends that I dropped them like hot potatoes.

I’ve also had moments where time and distance have erased the effects of their actions, leaving a faded scar instead. I’ve also had moments where I completely want to be left to my own devices. I’ve also had moments where I want to throw in the towel and take the next flight out of town without a goodbye. If my presence is not recognized by anyone and if there is only more pain for me, why should I stick around?

The things that I have seen and experienced have shaped me into someone who is easily suspicious of everything and everyone around her. I believe this is what you call trust issues. I don’t take words at face value anymore; I prefer to be proven wrong in my assumptions rather than be proven correct that someone or something is bad. Inasmuch as I want to pinpoint it on my major, it is irrelevant to the emotions that I now feel. Otherwise, it doesn’t explain why I was able to feign normalcy and suffer those thoughts alone? I never believe in speaking with anyone (including counsellors) about this because it’s better to deal with it on my own. That’s what I believe is good for myself, but I won’t recommend it, especially if you’re dangerously close to the dark route.

You'll feel more at ease once you're back, they said.

And how do I feel? Nothing’s changed. I feel as cranky and snappy as ever, ready to growl at anyone who blocks my way.

Give it some time, they also said.

How much more time do I need then? I’ve lived half a life on borrowed happiness. I can’t remember when I last felt happy and able to laugh out loud at something. I don’t want to snaffle more happiness from the rightful owners and it’s not fair for either one of us either. They also deserve a shot at finding their own merriment. How much more time do I need before I’m finally and truthfully happy? If the answer is the rest of my life, then I’ll surrender. Life is not worth living in that case; I need something at the end of the tunnel as an encouragement. Yet I don't want to create a cauldron of mess when I'm facing difficulties in dealing with the previous and current ones. It’s not easy to deal with the aftermath; it’s easier to cause problems but tougher to resolve them.

Whether we have received the shorter end of the stick or not, we all have our own battles to fight. I’ve friends who struggle with their demons behind closed doors. I can tell you from my personal experience that it’s depressive and weakening to tackle the inner demons on a daily basis. It is not easy to plaster a smiling face when you feel crap inside. But the signs are still there - it’s just a matter of how well you suppress/hide it. I've done this; I've lied through my teeth that everything is okay when all I want is to explode in anger and turn my bedroom upside down. So, I am aware of the dangers of bottling your emotions with the misbelief that you're best off alone. I won't expect everyone to understand the situation because they are contented with their lives and haven’t been dealt with a terrible deck of cards yet. Suffering and pain don’t exactly exist in their dictionaries.

Maybe that explains why I'm able to comprehend and empathize with their final decisions. When you are pushed to the edge or cornered and unable to crawl out, all you experience is emotional stress and loneliness. You find that living in the dark abyss has more peace. Days and weeks and months later, you can no longer think straight and want to end it all. You don't bat an eyelid when you choose your method; you just want it to be foolproof and effective.

Yet it is only when tragedy strikes that regrets are thrown around like flower petals. Here’s the thing; there’s no point about crying for the dead when all chances of intervening or making a difference have been blown away by the light winds.