I won’t say that I’m happy with all of the decisions made because it had to be done out of necessity. If I had a choice, I’d take a divergent route as it would’ve lead to a different ending. And perhaps I’d be happier. But it is what it is. I can’t whine. I can only blame the cruel stroke of fate for this. There should be an element of excitement now that I’ve passed all of my courses. Yet I feel numb - there is no sense of merriment. Not even a sense of dread at what is to come. Maybe I haven’t fully grasped the situation or maybe my brain is preoccupied with dark thoughts that I can’t think straight. The fact that I dreamt of a corpse could be indicative of my emotional state of mind.
The dream… I'm exhausted with maintaining appearances because it's causing a personality split in me. I can't assume the role of someone unaffected by the tides of hell when I'm struggling to silence my demons. It's not fun and not healthy either. For half of my life, what people see of me is not who I truly am. But I've done it in such a way that very, very few people could see it. Call it talent. Call it sheer luck. Call it whatever you want, but the truth is those struggles are mine and only for me to deal with.
Things changed the moment the plane landed on Malaysian soil and maneuvered the runway to its dedicated gate of arrival. What has made it worse is the fact that I'm like the odd one out. Reverse culture shock? I don't think so. I've returned often enough to be familiarized myself with the changes and updates surrounding the place. I feel like a vagabond in search of a permanent home where I can lay my sword and finally rest in peace. If you think I mean another beating heart, you're dead wrong, lol. I need to treat and repair myself first before I have enough energy to invest in a relationship with someone. Relationships take a lot of work from both parties; it's not a matter of boy meets girl, both fall in love, and voila. A lot of relationships wouldn't crumble like a deck of cards if it's as easy as it looks.
It’s a surprise that things turned out this way because it was not even in the scope of my original plan. If there’s something in life that I should learn from, it’s to expect and accommodate the unexpected twists. Nothing in life is perfect - because it wouldn’t be called life if things go according to plan.
Look, things changed the moment the plane landed on Malaysian soil. As the pilot navigated the curvy runway and brought the aircraft to a slow stop, my heart turned colder than snow. Inasmuch as I didn't fancy it, I had to be a meaner version of myself after what I experienced when I needed someone at the fragile moments. Oddly enough, I didn't want anyone to accompany me in the silence or even their words of encouragement. What I wanted was someone who would fully empathize and share the burden back then.
The end of the story is that I didn't get what I wanted, which wasn't a surprise. I've eaten enough crap to understand that life isn't all rosy. I just have to expect the unexpected and learn to work around it without losing my brains and spewing angst.
I don't know if all international students returning to their home countries will experience this because we're all unique in our own ways. I feel like I'm the odd one out, unable to blend into either culture. There's something missing at both ends of the spectrum. It makes me think whether I'm a vagabond in search of a permanent home full of peace, devoid of pain. If you think another beating heart would be the answer, you're dead wrong, lol. There are parts of me that needs treating and repairing before a relationship with someone can even take place. I'm not in the position to say much, but relationships require humongous sacrifices and effort from a couple. It's not a matter of boy meets girl, they hit off, and they become boyfriend and girlfriend. If it's as easy as it looks, there wouldn't be a trail of heartbreak.
Spoken like someone who's lived through it, huh.
The year is now coming to an end in a day or two - by the time I manage to complete this post and get it published (since I now have a tendency to procrastinate and delay everything to the last possible minute, especially if it is not work-related). Honestly speaking, it was an emotionally draining year for me to the point where I no longer recognize who I am.
Here’s to hoping that next year would be much better.
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