10/06/2019

This is one of my most personal thoughts to date, so please don’t be offended if certain parts of this post have that element of anger or apathy.

There’s a part of me who feels that I’m losing the battle, but whining is not an option as there wouldn’t be anyone capable of understanding it from my angle. I don’t want any suggestions or any advice because it’s my life we’re talking about. My life has enough stress from my personal and work life as it stands. I don’t need the extra stress to weigh me down or incite a tension headache. What I truly need is someone who comprehends and not pressure me with irritating words. The said person should be someone who is there for me in the silence.

It’s rather evident to me that my own happiness is being drained from my system, leaving me with nothing to fall back on or even hold on to. Finding my way out of this emotionally draining journey is already an arduous matter. If I have nothing as a foundation block, it’s not going to help much. The fact that history is repeating itself isn’t helping either. I feign normalcy and keep to myself with my exterior mask. On the inside, my ticker is exhausted and heavy with all of the negativity. What it sees now is pure black and white. The middle part known as gray doesn’t exist for me. It’s either this or that with no in-between. At least with the gray part, you have an insight as to how unpredictable life is.

But not for the current me. The ancient day me accepts the gray part and would attempt to work with it, never allowing it to pose as a nagging obstacle.

Sometimes I miss those days when I tread along the sandy beach, deep in thought and comforted by its serenity. With the sound of waves crashing into the shoreline, it works to flush the negativity in my heart. The thought of being welcomed by the limitless water does have its way of making me feel emotionally better - even if temporarily. But not now. Speaking of the issues bothering me would do nothing good. In fact, the opposite may happen. It’d worsen things as I highly doubt those around me would jump at the first instance to assist me or drag me out of the situation. I mean, how would they be able to? They’re not the one experiencing the full consequences of it. Most of them won’t be able to relate in any way. Their criticisms and suggestions would leave me gaping out of horror. Since there’s a probability of that occurring, the best method for me to deal with my issues is to isolate and withdraw into my shell to have a bearing of everything. This may be a dangerous ideology due to the invisible sufferings - and the potential of slipping through the cracks into darkness.

Sometimes I long for those days when I didn’t have to shoulder the weight of the whole world and pretend that life is okay and stable. Those days when my eyes crinkle into a smile that is full of warmth and contentment. That’d have to be one of those rare moments in my life where I genuinely experienced merriment, but I’m aware that wishing for the past is now useless. We have to live in the present and for the future.

But life does not work that way.

A part of me is conscious of the consequences should things go south. It’s nothing good either. Think of it as a leaky icebox spilling liquid everywhere. If I want to prevent that from occurring, I guess I’ll just have to find a way to cope and not crash under the pressure like breadcrumbs.