A Short Update

I did it.

I forced myself to take a day off in the hope that I’ll have enough energy to sail through the paperwork that lay before me. It didn’t work out in that fashion, unfortunately. It instead solidified a couple of things that I didn’t want to admit: I’m in dire need of sleep, my health has taken a beating, and I’m still emotionally trashy. Yet I’m doing all that I can to suppress it - although it’s bubbling at the surface. Any words that my brain interprets as a personal attack would result in me zoning out and avoiding everyone or snapping like a stressed animal.

Returning to the workplace was rather hectic. All of the files came through at one go when I was away, so basically 75% of the day was spent clearing the backlog with the rest to be continued at another day. And when I’m busy with work, I tend to neglect my meals until my stomach produces the ever-painful hydrochloric acid (read: the precursor to gastric). I don’t know; I never have much appetite to grab lunch (and have chosen to settle for muesli with milk and frozen yoghurt at times). Somehow I can’t find it in me to use that mere hour for a change of environment as I prefer to use it for non-digital errands. *shrugs*

Plainly said, I have to remain busy or run the risk of having my mind overthink crap during the working hours. I guess it’s obvious that I’m using work to suppress my emotions - or at least to avoid managing it. *shrugs again*

Now that I’m in this ruthole, there’s not much that I’ll allow myself to look forward to. I mean, between work and personal life, there’s nothing else because what’s the point of doing so when I’m hesitant about everything? Even if someone assures me that there will be light at the end of the tunnel, I wouldn’t believe their words or even be convinced by it at all. That’s just how emotionally bad things are. Or maybe my studies have taught me to emphasize more on the evidential and tangible things. If I say nothing, no one would know by judging from the way I speak and move about.

To the average stranger, I strike them as someone who isn’t dealing with much. You see, I’m feigning a sense of normalcy, if not to provide me with some respite but also temporary stability. It has been reflected in the recent dreams that I had: common themes of dark, quiet areas and being abandoned. The only one that I can remember from all of it is vague, save for the scenes of me arriving at my destination via a small yet crowded walkway and office cubicles with glass doors.

It’s been slightly more than 7 months since I’ve landed in this job position. Truth be told, time flies extremely fast, especially when you are unaware of it. Inasmuch as it is stressful, it’s a learning experience as well. As an eventual first home buyer, I’m picking up tips and tricks that I can use for myself when the time arrives. Who knows I’ll draft up a list for first home buyers - with my personal experience included - to avoid the common mistakes when purchasing a property? That’ll be something to look forward to. And while we’re at it, maybe a post about surviving in the workplace. (Stay tuned for future updates on this.)

I’m penning this at close to midnight on a weekday, so you’ll have to pardon me if some sentences do not sound grammatically correct.