Maybe I'm on my own

A lot of dark thoughts swirl in my mind, searching for an escape route that will draw everything to a close.

Somehow no one would comprehend what I’m thinking since words will never betray my thoughts - unless there’s someone who cares to dive deep into the way I express myself and interpret my verbal and subconscious language. It’s still not a guaranteed thing because I’m terrified of anyone being able to read into me. I presume it’s a result of being thrown into the deep end as an international student in Adelaide, but then again, most of us have lived a life as an international once and emerged from it with varying effects of exposure.



There are some experiences that I’d not hesitate to exchange or erase if I’m able to return to the past. I’m sure we all do, now that we’re older and around for a longer time. I’m not saying that I was a loner back then, but I wasn’t gregarious either. For the average international, it’s arduous to search for your bearing and a support system in a foreign land. The ramifications were amplified for me due to certain events in my life. It wasn’t until my penultimate year that I felt comfortable spending extra hours outdoors. It basically went like this: when I was on campus after classes, I wanted to head home but when I was home, I wanted to explore the nearby cafes and where I won’t run into anyone. I was also forced to rely on the tree bark for persistence towards the end of my final years so much that it bled all of my confidence and ability to reach out for help as well. My brain came to the unhealthy conclusion that I’m better off relying on myself for everything.

“There are times when you need to reach out to someone for help. It’s not healthy to continuously suppress your emotions. It’d destroy you from the inside, piece by piece.”

As one of my closest friends reminded me, there are times when I need to risk it by coming clean with someone trustworthy. I understand that negative emotions, when silenced and suppressed, are a silent killer, but how am I to reach out about my feelings when I’m not sure who to trust or who’d be kind to lend a listening ear? If I’m being candor, it opened my eyes to the hidden aspects of life where people work on spectrums of this and that. An example where they are friendly but unhelpful to the point of being rude. Plainly said, it altered my perception of everything and shattered my hopes with trust and confidence at a sorrowful level.