The Sunday blues. Splitting headaches in the office that ruin my mood. The pent-up emotions. The desire to be left alone with my paperwork. The tendency to snap even when the smallest thing doesn’t go to plan. The overall frustration at my inability to complete duties. A part of me suspects that it might be workplace exhaustion since those behavior’s out of the ordinary whereas the other part of me is dismissive of it, chalking it up to projection of disappointments in my personal life.
If the latter is true, I’m not a tad bit surprised about it. Given the choice, I want to maintain an arm’s worth of distance from everything and everything around me. It’s arduous to feign normalcy when I feel like crap and look like it too. I’m of the belief that we’re better off alone to prevent hearts from being shattered into pieces or downright crestfallen - both of which I’ve continuously experienced over the years. You could even say that I’m used to being disheartened. There are also days when I’m physically present but emotionally and mentally absent from the conversation. I won’t let what’s bothering me leak out onto my face or spill into my sentences no matter how much I shouldn’t hide it and fight it off on my own. I personally believe that I shouldn’t burden family and friends with my negative thoughts. It’s not like they can magically solve all of it for me. You’re more than welcome to disagree with me on this since we all have our individual experiences in life. Some may be beautiful. Others may be traumatic to the point where suppression is the only way to move forward.
A weighted heart and heavy limbs greet me each morning, leaving me with a cloud of being beat and dead. I’m harboring the temptation of leaving everything on the backburner while I recalibrate in search of life’s purpose and importance since I don’t even know what’s what anymore. On top of that, I’d love to hibernate in bed for days on end if I could, but responsibilities pressure me to face the world with a pretense of normality. It’s something that we all have to experience being a working member of society one way or another. What matters most is how we approach and deal with it.
*sighs*
I guess it is what it is. Maybe things will change for the better once I proceed with that decision of mine.
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