A Little Update from Me

Now that we’re at the halfway mark, things have taken a divergent turn. It’s been a chaotic time since the pandemic made its presence known and caused precarious aftereffects, where jobs have been threatened or unfortunately slashed to save operational costs. What’s worse is that there’s no knowing as to when the tide will be smoother for everyone to return to normalcy, but one thing’s for sure.

Since things will never return to the good old days, we’ll have to embrace the new norm and be accustomed to having our temperatures and presence in businesses recorded.

It’s glaringly obvious that I need to emotionally withdraw from those around me and have some alone time. I’m bone-tired from juggling work with the matters in my personal life. Weekends aren’t exempted either; there are times when I have to dedicate additional hours to complete the paperworks in the serenity of my residence to avoid the sensation of being caved in. My concentration is messed up to such a stage that it’s slightly affected my work performance. I’ve missed the items that needed amendment to the point where my supervisor’s annoyed with me. It’s not verbally expressed, but I’ve picked up on the signals. Body language will never lie. I’ve also spilt water on the tiled floor in my state of daze with the amount of liquid warranting the use of a floor towel to clean up the mess. Yes, I’m aware that we all have our own issues to deal with behind closed doors. That’s why you don’t see me penning much about it on the blogosphere.

Yet the circumstances wouldn’t permit me to take a chill pill. Work is forever on my mind, even on those days when I’m away from the workplace. Maybe that’s my worst fear: turning into a workaholic and not resting enough. *shrugs* I’m being overwhelmed by things, but to hell am I showing it. It’s one thing to have my emotions splashed on my face. It’s another thing to let anyone see the vulnerable part of me and me hiding with tears welling up in my eyes out of frustration. It’s not a matter of egoism; it’s more of preventing anyone from exploiting my vulnerability to their advantage.

Something in me has weighed me down and I’m in a dilemma on how I should settle it. Both sets of decisions have their pros and cons. A part of me craves for what the heart wants the most whereas the other side of me is heading for what’s best for everyone involved.

It also doesn’t help that dreams have started to haunt me at night, but I take comfort in the knowledge that I can’t remember the full details of it. It’s all a blended mixture of different pieces. Except for one, which was saying goodbye to a curly-haired child of about a teenager at the bus station in the dream. I can recollect with sheer clarity that there were lanterns outside the doors as we walked towards the bus station to send me off to an unknown destination. The child’s facial features weren’t revealed in the dream, but my subconscious has its suspicions because I know someone in real life who might fit that facial description.

Forcing those pent-up exhaustion aside, we made the drive to Ikea and braved the long lines to run delayed errands there and at the neighboring grocery store. The aura was unlike what I was used to, especially when seeing people lining up is a rarity. Weariness stopped me from continuing the rest of the expedition. I mean, dragging bags of goodies from one section of the mall all the way to the parking bays ain’t fun due to its combined weight and the fatigue from spending half a day in the office. The comforting part of the trip would be sinking my face in a tub of delicious vanilla ice-cream from London. It’d be a waste to devour it in one sitting, so it’s comfortably sitting in the freezer, waiting for me to slowly savor its taste.