Insanity and stressors.

Am I losing my insanity?

The workload has severely piled up yet I’m barely able to pull my weight, especially when I’m unable to have a proper lunch break. Spend an hour refueling and I blow an extra hour of clearing files. Spend an extra hour of clearing files and I waste the opportunity to refuel my energy levels, rendering me weak and on the verge of losing consciousness. A fainting spell, so to speak.

It doesn’t matter which option I choose - because at the end of the day, work will never be completed. There would be one or two files being abandoned unless I camp in the office until the next morning. Trust me when I say that I’ll be questioned as to why there are incomplete paperwork loitering around. It no longer matters whether I’m going against my better judgment to push my exhausted brain even further, especially when the tank’s running on empty (as insinuated in the previous post). I highly doubt that anyone appreciates it anyway. Maybe the consequences of this would be me collapsing... from carrying the silent weight on my shoulders. I shouldn’t be surprised that the muscles running from my neck to my shoulders are tensed all the time.

Jobs are easily replaced by someone else if the current employee resigns, is fired, or worse, admitted to hospital for a nervous breakdown. So, what’s the point of playing with fire when I’ll be badly burnt?

Cappuccino & Chicago Cheesecake at The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf 

I’m also aware that if I don’t eat much, there will be fainting episodes and I’ll have light sensitivity. It happened last week - I barely had the time to have lunch since I was on the go for most of the day, which resulted in me going off. Even if it means hugging my stomach with one arm, I’ll bite on my lips to silently deal with the hunger and stomach ache. Now that I’m already pulling overtime hours in the office and at home (close to a daily basis), I’m unsure whether it’s worth it to forego an hour’s lunch break to carve an extra sixty minutes for work. We’re all expected to finish everything by the end of business hours, but we’re not octopuses with eight legs or a machine to start with.

As if work stress isn’t enough to drain me, I have continuous stress from my personal life that threatens to leak into my work life. I can’t work like a robot while making daily success a living reality when I’m barely in the zone. I’m being constrained left, right and centre in work and in life but have chosen the route of suppression since, again, I feel that no one will understand the predicament that I’m in. We all have our own stress to settle, so what makes mine more special or worse than the others?

The odd one out of the background

Did I also mention that I’m now susceptible to workplace tears? That’s not to say that I’m a crybaby, but tears are the only form of expression when I’m living in a pressure cooker. There’s no way around it unless people are prepared to see me lash out at the slightest error. The toxic environment is draining my resolve to persist. Something’s not right; it’s more like i want to self-isolate and push everyone away in an attempt to protect them from my emotional outbursts; it’s one thing that i snap but it’s another thing if i accidentally hurt my friends’ hearts.

And it happened twice. Once was when I couldn’t take the onslaught of stress that I screamed at those around me and rushed to the toilet, allowing the tears to silently roll down my cheeks. The other time was during lunch hour when I zoned out, hoping to buy myself some peace at a hectic time. The more I embraced my emotions, the more I wanted to cry on the spot. The dam of tears threatened to break and cause spillage everywhere, which would have been awkward and questioned.

At the rate I’m going, the melancholic gleam swimming in my eyes is enough to betray my truest thoughts, especially to those who are able to read my body language and through my mask.

Should I just keep everyone at an arm’s distance to protect myself?