Struggling to stay afloat

Maybe my worst fear is being realized.

Maybe I’m losing my mind indeed.

Drowning in workplace exhaustion on top of the stressors in personal life is enough to send anyone closer towards the edge of the cliff. Apathy’s being added into the mixture, rendering me unable to gain satisfaction from my job. What greets me each morning at the workplace is a heavy heart laced with anxiety. My glassy eyes are trained to avoid contact and I’m zoning out with pressured speech.

No one appreciates the mental state that I am in - even if the signs are there because I don’t want to create a scene or pity for myself. I only crave for a tad bit of understanding that I’m incapable of doing two entire departments’ workload with such a limited time.



What I’m receiving in exchange are admonishments and nothing but that - which will be a precursor to other matters in the pressure cooker too. I can’t do a million things concurrently because I’m not an octopus with eight legs when I’m silently dealing with other issues on my mind. Why doesn’t that surprise me? I mean, I’ve holed myself up in the office and cried silent tears, convincing myself to hold it back until I’m safe on my own. Water has been my pal as of late; it’s helped me to mask any traces of red, swollen eyes. My tank’s running on empty yet I’m pushing myself to persist and continue. Hands are out to strangle the life out of me and push me to the brink of a breakdown. This is something that no one is aware of as there’s no point even voicing it out to the relevant parties. Their conduct is enough to persuade me of this.

The symptoms of a burnout are there, I can feel it. Whether it’s obvious to those around me is another question, though. Emotional exhaustion has repeatedly made its presence known with me leaning more towards chronic stress. I no longer gain any form of satisfaction - I just do what is required of me and even that hasn’t gone too well. I’ve been thrown awake from my sleep repeatedly by work-related worries. I’m shaking with fear - safely holding a pen is a challenge. I can’t breathe, as if something’s weighing my heart like a boulder deep in the ocean. My mental health needs some downtime to recuperate from all of the external tortures that I’ve been dealing with on my own.

I’ll be candor on something: it’s still a miracle that I haven’t rocked up to the nearest bar and drank my emotions before hugging the toilet bowl and throwing up with a hangover hours later. Ever since I made that decision, my world was turned upside down. I was forewarned about the effects therefore I shouldn’t be shocked. What I’m horrified about is its pace. It’s too soon for the outcome to endure the repercussions. In less than a decade, the happy-go-lucky me transitioned into someone suspicious of the world ahead of her to a lady who’s suppressing her anguish despite barely holding on. I’m at a stage where I’m apathetic and reticence accompanying me instead. Even the slightest rebuke is enough to incite negative thoughts in me. Even the slightest error in word choice is enough to assure me that everyone dislikes me. And maybe even hates me. There’s no denying that it’ll lead me to isolate myself in a dark abyss where I block anyone from reaching out to me. And this is what my best friend fears. We both know what I’m capable of when this happens . . . and it’d be tardy to resolve it.

Spotted in the Popular Bookstore's IPC branch

Taking the time out during the lunch hour to comfort myself with a bowl of mee sua chicken and a mug of hot green tea did little to soothe my desolation. It only cemented the fact that I might not be as stable as I once thought I was. A part of me’s aware that I need to get away from everything that’s bothering me momentarily to regain momentum, but circumstances aren’t permitting me to do so. I’m caught between polar opposites of what’s best for myself. On one hand, if I tender my resignation at this time, it’ll probably give my mental health a well-deserved break. On the other hand, if I do so, there’ll be financial difficulties on my part - seeing that we’re in shaky economic waters at the moment.

Maybe I’m really losing myself bit by bit.

Maybe it’s an indication that I should follow suit with my plans - even if it'll cause hearts to shatter into million pieces.