Saturday, February 20, 2021

02/20/21

With a change of time and environment comes the introduction of a differing scope and atmosphere, yet I’m still cautious about everyone and everything around me. While I may seem loquacious and approachable, I’ve been careful to maintain a neutral approach about matters that I don’t wish to speak about. You do you, I do I, and we’re all good. Most of my friends have noticed the change in my demeanor, but they’ve chalked it up to me drained by job stress and for good reasons.

I’ve learnt that not everyone wants to see you succeed; some may appear as such on the outset, but secretly want you to fail. Some would rather chew on popcorn and watch you struggle and muddle your way through the mud - even though they have the tools to aid your journey.

There will come a time when the jigsaw puzzles will all fall into place, finally revealing the lessons behind this … sticky puddle of mess. There have been ups and downs and unexpected twists in the weeks that I have been away from the blog. It was never my intention to be absent from the blog without notice, but when life’s priorities take precedence, you’re somehow on the go for most of the days - and if there’s not enough time, sleep takes a beating instead. I honestly have no idea how the average office worker is able to cope with the additional hours spent on the daily commute from home to their workplace whereas I have issues staying awake without caffeine - and loads of it. The truth of the matter is that I’ve been busy on the downtime - between work and other matters - to the point where I don’t have excess energy to draft and pen blog posts frequently. Even those rare moments that I have are spent on YouTube and sleep.

I’ve noticed something else about me. It’s the desire to avoid bright lights or places where there are large crowds and the deep tendency to use the lunch hour to go off on a solo exploration. I mean, being alone sometimes has its benefits because it means that I’m able to kill two birds with one stone if I have errands to squeeze in or I’m able to seek solace in the nearby hangouts. It’s due to pure luck that I’m working in an area which I’m relatively familiar with, so it’s easy to search for cafes. For someone who’s survived for many years without being exposed to headaches, being thrown in the deep end of migraine attacks isn’t something that I can handle too. I’ve not consulted the doctor on this because I don’t want to be prescribed with painkillers or medications, but based on what I’ve read and experienced, it wouldn’t surprise me if I’m now suffering from migraines. I’ve had episodes where I’m sensitive to bright lights with such a pounding head that it was enough to keep me in bed for most of the day as well as throwing my food up.

Again, as long as I don’t continuously pull all-nighters, I should be able to keep the migraine attacks at bay or reduce it to a minimum.

Up until then, I’ll just have to drag my way through the mud and hope that I don’t crumble under the weight of it all. After all, pretense is something that all of us are susceptible to succumbing to, though not many are successful in doing so because it takes effort and practice combined with the ability to convince others. And this is where things become murky; with enough effort, you can easily mislead someone into believing that you’re really doing fine … when you’re not.

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