12/31/2019

We’re entering a new decade in a couple of hours’ time. For some, it marks a new beginning. Maybe the start of a relationship or a shared life. For some, it marks the death of something. For some, it marks the continuation of something. In short, it has an element of the unknown for everyone.

Speaking of a new beginning, I’ve never been one to celebrate - or even welcome the new year with a bang or with fireworks. As far as memory serves me, I’m forever left to my own devices and would tune out the celebrations by doing my own things. This can range from catching up on my favorite drama series on TV or even procaffeinate. Yes, procaffeinate. You read that right.

If I’m honest, I expected that the last day of 2019 would end on a more fruitful note, i.e. me being able to clear the files instead of carrying all of it into the new year. *shrugs* Unfortunately, it’s not meant to be - especially when there were last minute arrangements to deal with things. I’m not whining that the shortened office hours is a bad thing. It is a good thing, especially when the chance to leave for home early doesn’t come often. But I felt like I was working against time to ensure that everything was done and dusted, leaving me with no chance to focus on other paperwork.

Here’s to hoping that 2020 would be a much better year than 2019 for everyone.



This is me signing out - and see you on the flipside!

12/8/2019

The irony of the month is that I didn’t want anyone to know when my birthday was - or for anyone to celebrate it on my behalf. What’s worse is the knowledge that birthday wishes are no longer important. If there are wishes, there are wishes. If there’s none, there’s none.

Life doesn’t just revolve around this. After all, I need to focus on other grave matters too.

Garden pots at a friend's balcony 

I also haven’t been in the mood for a celebratory session since … forever. When my college friends threw a birthday surprise, I felt a mixture of annoyance and gratitude at their actions. I don’t know if you concur with me, but I feel that birthdays are mere reminders that we’re all a year older and running on limited time to make our dreams come true.

Yet I slipped away to my favorite coffeehouse and spent the hour with coffee and cake next to me - alone. I guess that’s the beauty of working in a centralized area where you’ve a choice in F&B outlets. The place wasn’t crowded at my chosen time, which permitted enough personal space for me to stew and release the work stress. If I’m honest, it’s not easy to concentrate on your paperwork when everyone wants a piece of you but not in a respectful manner. *blows the top of my fringe* I’ve received calls that pushed me over the edge and forced me to adopt a strict and insistent tone (that almost went into sarcasm). I’ve also received sarcastic calls that threatened to blow my head off. Coupled with the emotional stress behind the scenes, there will come a day when I’ll crash and burn.

On a side note, the Christmas decorations are slowly making its yearly appearance at the shopping malls, albeit with a different aura than last year. Chances are unlikely for me to purchase all of the items on my wish list due to the emotional stress, but at least window shopping gives my brain a temporary break from work. I’m able to breathe in the dazzling decorations and take a chill pill instead of wondering about the unfinished paperwork all the time. Yes, you read it right: I think about work on the downtime too. *shrugs*

Cookies & Cream Tiramisu with Ice Blended Pure Vanilla from Coffee Bean

If I have a choice, I’d work overtime and on the weekends - but I think my office management wouldn’t be pleased with me not having a work-life balance. Come to think of it, I already have a freelancing career that I balance with my primary employment. Don’t worry, both positions are in different fields than each other.

Whoever said that blogging isn’t a job should give it a go.

12/03/2019

Somewhere en-route to the airport before sunrise 

The look in your eyes speaks volume.
You long for someone to understand you.
Someone to assure you that all would be well.
Someone to hold your hand along the way.
A home where you can rest your heart.

The light in your eyes have dimmed.
Your shoulders are hunched forward,
Drained of hopes and dreams.
You drag your feet,
Pushing against the weight of the world.

Each step is heavier than a brick,
With melancholy weakening your mind.
The path of darkness lulls you with its soothing voice,
The afterlife becoming the goal.
A perfect remedy for your pain.

A part of you wants to be saved.
Dusk being replaced by light,
You still hold the hope for a savior.
Someone to be there with you.
Someone who is there with you.

12/01/2019

Now that the year is drawing to a close, I'm somewhat relieved that I have a bit of breathing space to clear the backlog that has accumulated in my paperwork. This is the result of being a newbie and having to waddle my way through unfamiliar territories. It's still familiar in some ways, but not for the most part.

I don't know; at least my work life has some positive aspects attached to it - unlike my personal life and emotions, which are still in the mud. All I desire now is to throw myself into work as much as I can - even if it means a nervous breakdown or burnout. Exhaustion is thick in the air with me wanting to ignore everyone and plug out the phone line from its socket.

A shop selling teddy bears in Sunway Pyramid

The lunch hour is there for a reason yet I’m continuously against the idea of catching a meal outdoors and have a change of environment. I’m working through the lunch hour most of the time - unless I’m confident that the paperwork doesn’t warrant enough urgency for me to do that. It’d mean that I’m working for straight hours and nursing frequent headaches at the end of the day without the valuable break while toying with the idea of popping Panadol tablets.

In an attempt to keep the stress at bay, I decided to throw everything to the backburner and window-shop at my favorite stores. Yeah, I know it’s the season of giving and I should treat myself, but I still won’t. I’d rather hide under the blanket and sleep through day and night to allow my exhausted soul to recuperate. The irony is that I know what has caused my soul to feel this way but I haven’t taken steps to deal with it.

Hari Raya Celebration at Sunway Pyramid

So, maybe it’s the period where I should learn to relax and take a chill pill - instead of being frazzled and walking on a thin line while resembling someone about to crash and burn.

11/13/2019

11/11/2019

I’m hiding more in my hoodie and creating an invisible barrier that divides the highly intense work environment and my personal life. You see, I’m someone who’s easily influenced by the environment that I am in, regardless of work or accommodation. For me to focus well, I’d need to distract myself from intense stimuli even though music is considered a stimulating factor for some people. Somehow, songs blasting through the earpiece at an obstreperous volume allow me to be in that element at the risk of hearing loss. This action permits me to be more productive and able to focus on the task at hand yet we both know that I don’t have the opportunity to do this all the time. My concentration will be shattered by the continuous phone calls. I know that there’s an option for me to ignore the calls, but not when it annoys the hell out of you.

*shrugs* That’s me for you - even when I’m under the weather. I won’t allow myself to take sick leave if I’m still able to move around, albeit slower than usual.

Knowing myself, I slept at odd hours last weekend to complete the urgent paperwork. I usually avoid bringing work from the office for the very reason listed in the first sentence of this post. But sometimes you have no choice. I know I need some downtime but a messed up sleeping schedule doesn’t help either. Even at 16 hours later, I’m operating with a blurry mind, especially since everything needs amendment or inclusion - to such a stage where I mixed papers and documents appeared in different files. *sighs*

Staying up until the wee hours of Sunday morning was a danger that I was aware of - yet the perfectionist in me refuses to sleep until I was confident that I had done as much as I can to buy more time in the office. I mean, I’ve the choice of heading home only after everything has been done, but that would be leaving after sunset and I’m not sure if I’m willing to take the risk since safety is an issue right now. That leaves me with no other method but to bring the documents with me and work in the silence of my place after everyone has gone to bed.

So, if you ever see me with panda eyes or in a terrible mood, do us both a favor and try to limit the conversation - unless I make the first move of talking to you.

11/4/19

It’s close to a year after graduation yet I’m still on the journey that I envisioned myself to have at this age. I don’t know if this is the result of the decisions that were wrongly made when I was younger. You’ll convince me that things can’t be rushed and there’s a time and place for everything, but I don’t know if I’ll believe that. The circumstances I endured kind of twisted my perception of things. I’d believe those words if it is sad in another world, but not in this current one. I’m losing bits and pieces of myself and even my dreams just to survive and fulfill the wishes of others.

An owl brought to life with balloons, helium, and creativity  - as part of the Halloween decorations in IPC

I stared out of the window at my favorite coffeehouse and observed the foot traffic entering the cafe. I sigh, knowing and reflecting on the exhausting journey that shaped me into the person I am today. Gone into the wind is the cheerful, carefree girl and taking her presence is someone who’d rather feign normalcy than to let anyone see her at her weakest moments. Yet it’s draining her and making her withdraw into isolation.

Then there’s the whole topic about work.

Although it has relatively been okay, I’ve operated on auto-pilot to the point where I’ve made mistakes on the job or unable to remember work-related matters (even after months in this position). I don’t know if the lines between my personal life and working life merging into one fuzzy line. I’ve ensured that these two portions of my life never intertwine with each other for the fear that one will affect the other yet the seams in the middle are breaking apart. What’s worse is that I’ve the desire to pull the covers over my head and waddle my way through the paperwork while keeping everyone at an arm’s distance due to insecurities.

Chinese Zombie (殭屍) - as part of the Halloween decorations in IPC

As if that isn’t exhausting enough, I sprained my back a couple of weeks ago and refused to let the doctor/chiropractor have a look of it. No matter how much pain I was dealing with, I just bit my tongue and relied on the infrequent use of Panadol. I’m sure I was close to collapsing from the sudden pain radiating in my nerves upon rising to my full height after being seated for some time. I had to throw caution to the wind and hope that the pain will leave on its terms, but it was difficult to move around without the freedom of movement. Somehow with the guidance and patience of time, my back manage to recover - although I still can’t fully squat without losing my balance.

The same thing can’t be said about the emotional side of things. I still don’t feel good. Fighting against the current has drained me to such a stage that I’m exhausted. I’m aware that I should take some time off to permit my emotions to recover, but once I do that, I’ll be greeted by an amplified workload and an even more limited timeframe to work with. And I know myself; I'm more than capable to become a workaholic and sacrifice my social life to ensure that