I dreamt that it was an event held in a building located in a quiet area. A bunch of us were there to celebrate a festival, which I reckon was Halloween, since we were all dressed up in costumes. My eyes widened with shock and my jaw dropped to the floor when I saw that friend. He seemed like his usual self as he turned up in his costume - as if time never passed between us - and asked how I was before he went his way. Although we were much older, we somehow recognized each other after all these years. It left me with a surprise because I never expected him to remember me.
When I returned from a toilet break, I gave a visual cue to my fellow friends to let them know that we should probably make a move. It was late into the night as we made our way out of the building. For reasons that I don’t know, I got lost from the entourage and found myself struggling to catch up with them and exit out of the building. I kept running into stairs and walking down more flights of stairs with shady characters at certain corners. Although my heart raced with fear and panic, the chilly air was somehow peaceful with its bright stars - if only I learned to relax and enjoy the scenery before me.
The friend in the dream is someone whom I haven’t seen since college graduation. In fact, none of us know his current location or his well -being. It’s as if he vanished without a trace. I don’t know what brought him up in the dream, but I’m aware that I’ve been thinking about him lately. Certain things have also reminded me of him - in a platonic way, mind you. Maybe it’s a sign that I miss him as a friend? Or reminiscing on the good old days where we used to throw each other under the bus?
Oh, yes, even a particular mutual friend of ours has said the same thing.
A quick reference online suggested that his 'appearance can also be a metaphor for some forgotten aspect of yourself that you'd like to reconnect with'. The two most common words used to describe me by my college peers were confidence and strong. The same applies to this friend, so it could be another hint that I admire his confidence and ability to take the bull by its horns all the time - something that I’m losing, drip after drip.
I also sense an ongoing theme with the part of me getting lost. It is similar to one of the earlier dreams but with a different context. The online interpretation suggested that I want stability or a normalcy - or rather crave the need for it. In addition, ‘to dream of being lost in the dark may represent feelings of being desperate to do anything all with no way to. Feeling unable to control anything that is happening to you. Feeling that you are completely on your own with no answers or help in sight. Alternatively, it may also reflect powerful feelings of isolation or loneliness.’
It is suggestive that I feel a sense of abandonment - in some ways. At the current state of mind, it feels like I’m floating in two territories - between my home country and current location - with no sense of belonging. Kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don’t thing. Maybe this scene is cementing my fear that I’m at a disadvantage. Ever since I started this semester, I already know that I’ve lost control of something. It didn’t help that my displeasure at the occurrences plus the academic stress have given me a hue of charcoal more than once. Somehow, I believe that although I take the courage and ask for help, it’s not going to necessarily work because 1) it’s not something that any Tom, Dick or Harry is able to assist with me; and 2) I’m worried sick about not just passing the exams, but attaining the grade that I want.
Stairs. I don’t know what to make of it because I’ve never dreamt of climbing or seeing stairs, but this is what the online interpretation said: ‘To dream that you are upstairs of a building refers to your higher level of understanding. It symbolizes your rational thinking and objectivity. Alternatively, being upstairs means that you hold yourself in high regard. To dream that you are walking down a flight of stairs represents your repressed thoughts. You are regressing back into your subconscious. It also refers to the setbacks that you are experiencing in your life.’
Let’s break the two interpretations into a more understandable element.
Interpretation #1: it characterizes a safety net, where I know that I can fall back on them should anything occur. I’m more confident and able to reason out with people, if they cross their boundaries and invade my personal space.
Interpretation #2: this is a little tricky. The costume might be a facade for me to ditch my insecurities and play someone else, even for the night. It could be a change of thoughts, where I just want to be myself since confidence has landed me into a muddy pile of mess (and jealousy-infused glares, if I may add). I’ve also suppressed my thoughts because I want to fade into the crowd and not stand out of them. I want to be treated like one of the invisible folks and left alone to do my own thing. What’s the point of speaking up when it’s not going to work in your favor?
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
10/25/2017
I don’t know whether it was a full blown exposure to a burnout, but it felt as such. Once all is done, I’ll have to take my lecturer’s advice and give myself some break. I’ll be honest with you. For someone who attends the weekly lectures and tutorials, you know that something is fishy when she decides to only attend her tutorials. She only emerges from her hideout on campus when it is closer towards the end of an academic day to grab air and food or to make her way home.
Not only am I overwhelmed with the workload and the clashing deadlines (which, in all honesty, should be bearable since that I’ve had worse in college), I’m suffering from a severe sleep deprivation brought on by external factors - including noise pollution. This explains why I haven’t been active on the blogosphere - most of the posts you’ve read have been scheduled in advance. There’s too much on my plate for me to carve the time to update the blog. Spend some time with me or have a peek at my timetable and you’ll know why. With that being said, I’m still taking the time out to focus on the rest of my assignments and the much-feared Corporate exam… at least for me.
I can’t believe that the second semester of my penultimate year is now a done and dusted thing. Just like that, with the snap of my fingers. I guess it’s now time to straighten some priorities (including working towards a credit for all of the courses) and focus on the summer holidays, where I can hide somewhere for an x number of weeks. Oh, God knows the temptation to ditch my social media accounts on the backburner and finally have some self-care. I know that I might be in for a rude awakening if I do that. Concerned messages will explode in my face, asking where the hell I have been and why I have ignored texts and calls. But it doesn’t really bother me because I need to get away from everyone for a while.
Speaking of summer break, I can’t wait. It’s been a wild ride this semester, especially with the crazy twists and divine intervention. I mean, I had an inkling of what was to come as a result of my decisions, but I never expected it to have such an impact on my psyche. I kept to my fair share of the promise because 1) I don’t want to explain to anyone the reasons behind my absence; 2) a promise is a promise; 3) there will be an awkward aura when you’re not in your class; and 4) the real world stinks more than this. If I can’t handle it now, I’ll definitely struggle when I’m in the workforce.
At least there is some breathing room now than it’s almost the end. 12 weeks in that little room packed with familiar peers was more than I could handle. The fact that there are other known players [players, as in students, not in the video game sense] didn’t make things any easier on my part. There are even a couple of folks that I never expected to see again. I don’t even know how I even survived the experience, but now that the exam schedule has been released, it’ll be easier for me to plan a hangout with all of the friends whom I haven’t met in ages. Not to mention, I want to visit a couple of places - and digitally freeze those memories!
As for peers, I’m not sure what would happen in the final year, but I guess I’m better prepared and equipped for the possibility that we might share the same classes again. I might roll my eyes with a sigh before I continue with my own things. Three years of breathing and living law has taught me how to deal with future colleagues while keeping my own emotions checked. As one of my friends has said, law school is smaller than you think. You are bound to run into familiar faces at some point or another if you’re unlucky, which is true. Not everyone in the same batch will be in the same courses - some are doing a double degree, some might decide to take a semester off, some may even add another degree to their studies along the way, or some might even add some spice to their study plan (which was what I did with criminal law and the arts electives. I won’t go into much details to save you from the confusion). All of which will throw some mix and delay the students by a year or so. As such, the probability is there.
On the bright side, next year’s my final year in law. I might consider staying and obtain the certificate/diploma to be admitted into the Bar. We’ll see what happens then. Anything can happen in the span of twelve months, but one thing is for sure. Although I’ll be surrounded by familiar faces, it’ll be a relief to graduate in the robe with that elusive parchment.
Not only am I overwhelmed with the workload and the clashing deadlines (which, in all honesty, should be bearable since that I’ve had worse in college), I’m suffering from a severe sleep deprivation brought on by external factors - including noise pollution. This explains why I haven’t been active on the blogosphere - most of the posts you’ve read have been scheduled in advance. There’s too much on my plate for me to carve the time to update the blog. Spend some time with me or have a peek at my timetable and you’ll know why. With that being said, I’m still taking the time out to focus on the rest of my assignments and the much-feared Corporate exam… at least for me.
I can’t believe that the second semester of my penultimate year is now a done and dusted thing. Just like that, with the snap of my fingers. I guess it’s now time to straighten some priorities (including working towards a credit for all of the courses) and focus on the summer holidays, where I can hide somewhere for an x number of weeks. Oh, God knows the temptation to ditch my social media accounts on the backburner and finally have some self-care. I know that I might be in for a rude awakening if I do that. Concerned messages will explode in my face, asking where the hell I have been and why I have ignored texts and calls. But it doesn’t really bother me because I need to get away from everyone for a while.
Speaking of summer break, I can’t wait. It’s been a wild ride this semester, especially with the crazy twists and divine intervention. I mean, I had an inkling of what was to come as a result of my decisions, but I never expected it to have such an impact on my psyche. I kept to my fair share of the promise because 1) I don’t want to explain to anyone the reasons behind my absence; 2) a promise is a promise; 3) there will be an awkward aura when you’re not in your class; and 4) the real world stinks more than this. If I can’t handle it now, I’ll definitely struggle when I’m in the workforce.
At least there is some breathing room now than it’s almost the end. 12 weeks in that little room packed with familiar peers was more than I could handle. The fact that there are other known players [players, as in students, not in the video game sense] didn’t make things any easier on my part. There are even a couple of folks that I never expected to see again. I don’t even know how I even survived the experience, but now that the exam schedule has been released, it’ll be easier for me to plan a hangout with all of the friends whom I haven’t met in ages. Not to mention, I want to visit a couple of places - and digitally freeze those memories!
As for peers, I’m not sure what would happen in the final year, but I guess I’m better prepared and equipped for the possibility that we might share the same classes again. I might roll my eyes with a sigh before I continue with my own things. Three years of breathing and living law has taught me how to deal with future colleagues while keeping my own emotions checked. As one of my friends has said, law school is smaller than you think. You are bound to run into familiar faces at some point or another if you’re unlucky, which is true. Not everyone in the same batch will be in the same courses - some are doing a double degree, some might decide to take a semester off, some may even add another degree to their studies along the way, or some might even add some spice to their study plan (which was what I did with criminal law and the arts electives. I won’t go into much details to save you from the confusion). All of which will throw some mix and delay the students by a year or so. As such, the probability is there.
On the bright side, next year’s my final year in law. I might consider staying and obtain the certificate/diploma to be admitted into the Bar. We’ll see what happens then. Anything can happen in the span of twelve months, but one thing is for sure. Although I’ll be surrounded by familiar faces, it’ll be a relief to graduate in the robe with that elusive parchment.
Sunday, October 22, 2017
10/22/2017
This has to be one of the weirdest dreams that I ever had.
I dreamt that it was the Christmas season - hence the beautifully gold decoratuons in the hotel ballroom. When I noticed it, I told my friends to wait for me while I rushed over to take a couple of pictures of it. Once I was satisfied with the number of photographs, I ran down the steps in my heels and made my way to the foyer where they waited for me. We were all dressed up, about to attend a formal event somewhere in town.
As two of our college friends were residents of this place, we decided to call them out for dinner. I received the phone call from someone about this and made my way to the appointed restaurant. Because it was just the average family-owned one, I turned up in a casual attire and styled my hair with a pencil. (This is something that I might dress in real life if I’m going for dinner with my parents.) When I saw that the two college friends had arrived, I guided them to the table where our mutual friend was waiting.
It was sometime during the dinner that I learnt that the world was smaller than it seemed. One of our course mates, who was in Canada, knew the committee member of the university’s law student society. I can’t remember who, but someone even rattled the course mate's nickname. The same one that leaves him wincing each time his friends use it in real life.
I honestly don't know how or what to interpret from this particular dream, especially the dinner part. Although both the college course mate and committee member are of acquaintance in real life, I don't think they even know each other or have common grounds with each other.
I dreamt that it was the Christmas season - hence the beautifully gold decoratuons in the hotel ballroom. When I noticed it, I told my friends to wait for me while I rushed over to take a couple of pictures of it. Once I was satisfied with the number of photographs, I ran down the steps in my heels and made my way to the foyer where they waited for me. We were all dressed up, about to attend a formal event somewhere in town.
As two of our college friends were residents of this place, we decided to call them out for dinner. I received the phone call from someone about this and made my way to the appointed restaurant. Because it was just the average family-owned one, I turned up in a casual attire and styled my hair with a pencil. (This is something that I might dress in real life if I’m going for dinner with my parents.) When I saw that the two college friends had arrived, I guided them to the table where our mutual friend was waiting.
It was sometime during the dinner that I learnt that the world was smaller than it seemed. One of our course mates, who was in Canada, knew the committee member of the university’s law student society. I can’t remember who, but someone even rattled the course mate's nickname. The same one that leaves him wincing each time his friends use it in real life.
I honestly don't know how or what to interpret from this particular dream, especially the dinner part. Although both the college course mate and committee member are of acquaintance in real life, I don't think they even know each other or have common grounds with each other.
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
A Case of Curious Coincidences (Part 8)
His breath caught in his throat when his peripheral vision spotted a familiar figure sitting on one of the concrete blocks that protected their graduation hall from oncoming traffic. Although she was surrounded by their cohorts, she stood out in the crowd like a shining diamond in her attire. Her lips stretched upwards when he saw her. His earlier searches on her Instagram account may have revealed pictures of her in formal attire, but seeing it with his own eyes was a different story. Her bushy hair was pushed back behind her ears and landed a tad bit lower than her shoulders. She ditched her glasses in favor of contact lenses that accentuated her round eyes. There was only a blush on her cheeks and a light pink lipstick.
“Mind if I join you, Crystal?”
He saw that Crystal jumped in shock at his question. It wasn’t until she turned in his direction that she gave him a side glance. “You scared the lights out of me, Ryan.”
“Aren’t you with your parents?”
“Oh, they’re abroad, but insisted that I graduate in person. I’m waiting for a friend to come.” She observed that his eyes flashed with disappointment. “What about you?”
“My old folks are on their way. What time is your friend going to arrive?”
“What’s up?”
“I was thinking … whether you’d like to take a couple of pictures with me and kill time. I mean, instead of drowning in your thoughts.”
“Sure, why not?” She slid down the boulder and wiped the imaginary dust off the robe. “Any place in mind?”
“Perhaps the courtyard?” He suggested. “Since we’re both from law?”
“Okay, that’s a quieter place with enough natural light for photography.”
*
He breathed a sigh of relief when one of the students waiting on the round concrete seats agreed to help them to take a picture. His heart sank deeper into the ocean when he felt Crystal’s body stiffened as he placed a hand on her waist for the photography session. It indicated that she was still uncomfortable with him or experienced something so terrible that he wished he could wipe clean from her memory. He couldn’t place the feeling that she experienced: a comfort that washed over him to have her close to him. Yet, she reciprocated with an arm over his shoulder like a sibling.
“Thanks a lot,” he mentioned as the person returned his phone.
“Not to worry,” came the reply. “I took a couple more shots for you to choose. Congratulations on your graduation!”
“Thanks a lot,” Ryan answered while Crystal nodded with a smile.
She waited for the person to be out of earshot before she approached Ryan. “So, how are the pictures?” she asked. “I’m trusting your eyes. So, it better look good!”
“It should be okay. I hope.”
Just ahead of them, Crystal spotted the caricature of her friend entering the campus and cleared her throat. “Look, I’ve to split. My friend’s here.”
“Oh, sure thing. If I don’t see you later, congrats on the graduation!”
“Thanks. And you too.” She shot a grin before she dashed off in another direction.
*
“Thanks for coming!” Crystal scooped her friend into an embrace outside the graduation hall. “You’ve no idea how much I appreciate it, Harry.”
Her lips stretched upwards when she mentally analyzed his fashion sense. He wore smart casual attire - light blue checkered shirt and black working pants - and a pair of expensive-looking R.M. Williams shoes. Had it been in another dimension, she could foresee herself falling for his charms and personality. She loved how his eyes crinkled whenever he laughed and how relaxed he was whenever they were together. He was a kind soul who loved to help people and craved for his close ones to be happy - even if it meant pushing his own feelings aside. In essence, he was willing to place others before him.
Harry laughed out loud. “I’ll obviously be in attendance. It’ll be the last time that we’ll be able to regularly hang out. I’d have accommodated your graduation time into my schedule, even if it meant missing my tute.”
Her eyes widened with horror. “No, no. Did you skip classes?”
“Nah, we’re in luck that my tutorial is after your ceremony. The downside is that i’ve rush off for it right after it ends. So, we can’t take pictures with you in the robe.”
“I’d have asked you to go for your classes after all. I only care about who the pictures are with, not the freaking attire.”
“Awesome. Can we do late lunch or early dinner after that?”
“Sure, why not? It’d be glad to end the day with food … and wine.”
*
As there was a couple of moments before the start of the convocation, Crystal caught herself admiring the handiwork and decoration of the majestic hall hosting their graduation. Ahead of her was the stage with three chairs in the middle. Towards the left and right were more chairs of the same kind, which she suspected was for the academic administrative employees and the rest of her lecturers. Or at least those who were able to squeeze some time out from their busy schedules. The place never failed to amaze her, no matter how many times she was given access through her role as a graduation volunteer or as an orientation host.
“This is a surprise,” she heard a voice and turned in that direction. Her jaw slammed to the floor. It was Ryan standing in front of her with the pamphlet in his head. “Yeah, I know. I wasn’t expecting to be sitting next to you for the ceremony either.”
“How did this happen?!”
He shrugged as he sat next to her. “I don’t know. Maybe our scores are similar to each other. Maybe we have similar last names."
"Oh, please. I'm not as intelligent as you are."
"My dear friend, the possibilities are endless.”
This is not good, she thought. She stole a glance at Ryan, whose concentration was glued on the pamphlet with the list of the graduates, and closed her eyes. Although this was something that Trace and she discussed as a probability, never once in her wildest dream did she expect to occur. Back then, she figured that there would be someone else sitting in between them. Back then, she wanted that person to block her view of Ryan to afford her some sense of peace. But in the end, her worst nightmare became a reality.
“Mind if I join you, Crystal?”
He saw that Crystal jumped in shock at his question. It wasn’t until she turned in his direction that she gave him a side glance. “You scared the lights out of me, Ryan.”
“Aren’t you with your parents?”
“Oh, they’re abroad, but insisted that I graduate in person. I’m waiting for a friend to come.” She observed that his eyes flashed with disappointment. “What about you?”
“My old folks are on their way. What time is your friend going to arrive?”
“What’s up?”
“I was thinking … whether you’d like to take a couple of pictures with me and kill time. I mean, instead of drowning in your thoughts.”
“Sure, why not?” She slid down the boulder and wiped the imaginary dust off the robe. “Any place in mind?”
“Perhaps the courtyard?” He suggested. “Since we’re both from law?”
“Okay, that’s a quieter place with enough natural light for photography.”
*
He breathed a sigh of relief when one of the students waiting on the round concrete seats agreed to help them to take a picture. His heart sank deeper into the ocean when he felt Crystal’s body stiffened as he placed a hand on her waist for the photography session. It indicated that she was still uncomfortable with him or experienced something so terrible that he wished he could wipe clean from her memory. He couldn’t place the feeling that she experienced: a comfort that washed over him to have her close to him. Yet, she reciprocated with an arm over his shoulder like a sibling.
“Thanks a lot,” he mentioned as the person returned his phone.
“Not to worry,” came the reply. “I took a couple more shots for you to choose. Congratulations on your graduation!”
“Thanks a lot,” Ryan answered while Crystal nodded with a smile.
She waited for the person to be out of earshot before she approached Ryan. “So, how are the pictures?” she asked. “I’m trusting your eyes. So, it better look good!”
“It should be okay. I hope.”
Just ahead of them, Crystal spotted the caricature of her friend entering the campus and cleared her throat. “Look, I’ve to split. My friend’s here.”
“Oh, sure thing. If I don’t see you later, congrats on the graduation!”
“Thanks. And you too.” She shot a grin before she dashed off in another direction.
*
“Thanks for coming!” Crystal scooped her friend into an embrace outside the graduation hall. “You’ve no idea how much I appreciate it, Harry.”
Her lips stretched upwards when she mentally analyzed his fashion sense. He wore smart casual attire - light blue checkered shirt and black working pants - and a pair of expensive-looking R.M. Williams shoes. Had it been in another dimension, she could foresee herself falling for his charms and personality. She loved how his eyes crinkled whenever he laughed and how relaxed he was whenever they were together. He was a kind soul who loved to help people and craved for his close ones to be happy - even if it meant pushing his own feelings aside. In essence, he was willing to place others before him.
Harry laughed out loud. “I’ll obviously be in attendance. It’ll be the last time that we’ll be able to regularly hang out. I’d have accommodated your graduation time into my schedule, even if it meant missing my tute.”
Her eyes widened with horror. “No, no. Did you skip classes?”
“Nah, we’re in luck that my tutorial is after your ceremony. The downside is that i’ve rush off for it right after it ends. So, we can’t take pictures with you in the robe.”
“I’d have asked you to go for your classes after all. I only care about who the pictures are with, not the freaking attire.”
“Awesome. Can we do late lunch or early dinner after that?”
“Sure, why not? It’d be glad to end the day with food … and wine.”
*
As there was a couple of moments before the start of the convocation, Crystal caught herself admiring the handiwork and decoration of the majestic hall hosting their graduation. Ahead of her was the stage with three chairs in the middle. Towards the left and right were more chairs of the same kind, which she suspected was for the academic administrative employees and the rest of her lecturers. Or at least those who were able to squeeze some time out from their busy schedules. The place never failed to amaze her, no matter how many times she was given access through her role as a graduation volunteer or as an orientation host.
“This is a surprise,” she heard a voice and turned in that direction. Her jaw slammed to the floor. It was Ryan standing in front of her with the pamphlet in his head. “Yeah, I know. I wasn’t expecting to be sitting next to you for the ceremony either.”
“How did this happen?!”
He shrugged as he sat next to her. “I don’t know. Maybe our scores are similar to each other. Maybe we have similar last names."
"Oh, please. I'm not as intelligent as you are."
"My dear friend, the possibilities are endless.”
This is not good, she thought. She stole a glance at Ryan, whose concentration was glued on the pamphlet with the list of the graduates, and closed her eyes. Although this was something that Trace and she discussed as a probability, never once in her wildest dream did she expect to occur. Back then, she figured that there would be someone else sitting in between them. Back then, she wanted that person to block her view of Ryan to afford her some sense of peace. But in the end, her worst nightmare became a reality.
Thursday, September 28, 2017
9/28/2017
I dreamt that I attended an event that was held in a large area. Whether it was a ballroom or a convention centre, I couldn’t tell. The person - let’s call him an emcee - stood at the centre of the stage and introduced something to the attendees.
As I heard someone introducing herself, my ears perked up when she said the magic name. I had been looking for that person for a while. During the break time, I walked over to the table where she was seated and asked her about this. She refused to meet my eyes and told me to meet her at the back in 15 minutes to have a private conversation on this. She apparently was with other people and didn’t want them to know the nature of our conversation topic.
Interpretation: A quick check with the dream website indicated that there is a hidden aspect of myself that I have never seen before. In the dream, there were lots of people, but none of whom I knew in reality. My best guess is that the worries I have now, I’ve never experienced them before. Not even in Taylor’s. Oddly enough, even though I struggled with History, I knew that I’d be able to pass the course - just not at the grade that I wanted.
At the corner of my eye, I saw that the police had arrived to arrest someone. Who, I wasn’t sure, but the shiny silver handcuffs stood out in the dimly lit area. I made my way to the toilet on the pretext of seeing who it was, but the emcee told me to use the toilet at the back instead. I didn’t pick up on his reasoning.
Interpretation: I’ll split this piece into three parts:
a) The place that we were in was a dimly lit room. You could even say that it was a dark room with lights from the back, the projectors, and people’s laptop screens. Come to think of it, I’m not sure why I’d even have such a dream, but I digress. A quick check with the aforementioned website gave me a couple of ideas to work with. The first one is the possibility of something dangerous about to occur in my life. Let’s see - if you consider my hesitance on my capabilities of completing this semester without breaking down, then it might be the precarious thing that the subconscious is warning me about. The second one is where I’m stuck in a situation and having to make do with what I have. This one seems to be more realistic, seeing that I’m about to pull my hairs out.
b) The police arresting someone. Now, this could be a signal that feelings of change are being placed on me. It is either that or my presence brings a sense of security or calmness to a situation. Hah, I wish. I don’t think I’m that capable to defuse a low-level conflict before it explodes into a dispute.
c) Someone being handcuffed. Mind you, there are times when I feel like i’m reaching the limits of my mental and emotions. I’m forced to adopt the role of someone else, where I can’t express myself for the fear of aggravating or complicating a tender situation. I won’t be surprised if the situation that I’ve landed myself into that is the cause. You could say that my environment has forced me to adapt. I get glares/stares directed at me whenever I choose to express myself in Mandarin due to the stereotype and misassumptions. I’m not as fluent in Bahasa Malaysia as I am in English, so I only speak Malay when I’m within the four walls or back home in the good ole KL.
Instead of being myself, why not observe more than I speak?
I walked into the toilet cubicles and instantly felt fearful. The air was colder than I expected, and it left me thinking that I have company. It wasn’t until I met a four-legged fellow that my fear was soothed. I saw its name written on a tag that was hammered next to the main door. I whispered the dog’s name. The furkid waited outside the cubicle and its presence somehow managed to give me the peace and safety that I needed.
Interpretation: I’ll split this piece into three parts:
a) Walking into the toilet. Let's just say that I need the opportunity to rid myself of a negative situation, two of which I'm currently facing. I won't say much about the first one, but I can elaborate more about the second one. The fact that I haven't been able to study to the best of my abilities has tested my patience since the beginning of penultimate year. I feel like I'm being overwhelmed and am more than ready to drop everything, if it means having a breather.
I just need to let go and find my old self while trusting the process.
b) The fear that I felt in the toilet. The online dream interpretation suggested that a situation in real life is giving me the creeps. Sure, I am anxious about the little side project that I've just completed as I don't know whether the time spent on it would be a waste or success. I am also anxious about obtaining a credit for all of my courses this semester.
I just don't know whether I've done enough... which is ironic.
Where has all my confidence gone to?
c) Seeing the dog tag. Seriously, this is a description that is more suited for my good friend, not me. I've observed him - and his method of confronting a negative situation is different from mine. He doesn't speak of it and relies on himself to get things done. Me? I've to give myself some pep-talk to keep the rising fear and anger at bay.
Maybe the sudden loss of confidence is related to this. I've chosen to wear a happy mask in front of everyone to protect myself from the harsh effects of words or actions. I try not to rely on others for help - even though I'm drowning - and prefer to do it myself. Could that be an indication that I am emotionally protective of my work?
Some people had left my table when I returned from the toilet. We were seated near the projection screen on a long table. I was also tempted to do the same thing since it was getting late. I asked a fellow friend to walk me to my car after the event. He replied that it would’ve been something that he’d do even if I hadn’t asked him. He reasoned that he wanted to make sure that he saw me off safely.
Interpretation: a) Me talking to the girl and my friend. Oh, how in the world did my fears and insecurities slip into the dream? I don't like to air my grievances, because, let's face it, it could be used as a revenge or a way to get back to me if someone wants to see me suffer.
Hell, I even feel the traces of jealousy in some people.
Ugh, humans.
b) The friend agreeing to walk me to my car. Seeing that none of the attendees are people whom I know in real life, this might be the subconscious way of having a friend who is there for me. Sure, I know some of my friends would be there for me, but I'm not going to splash their inbox with paragraphs after paragraphs of rants and vents when I don't feel confident that it'll be kept as a secret. Maybe the dream is creating a mirror image of myself but with better qualities and tools to keep me going.
As I heard someone introducing herself, my ears perked up when she said the magic name. I had been looking for that person for a while. During the break time, I walked over to the table where she was seated and asked her about this. She refused to meet my eyes and told me to meet her at the back in 15 minutes to have a private conversation on this. She apparently was with other people and didn’t want them to know the nature of our conversation topic.
Interpretation: A quick check with the dream website indicated that there is a hidden aspect of myself that I have never seen before. In the dream, there were lots of people, but none of whom I knew in reality. My best guess is that the worries I have now, I’ve never experienced them before. Not even in Taylor’s. Oddly enough, even though I struggled with History, I knew that I’d be able to pass the course - just not at the grade that I wanted.
At the corner of my eye, I saw that the police had arrived to arrest someone. Who, I wasn’t sure, but the shiny silver handcuffs stood out in the dimly lit area. I made my way to the toilet on the pretext of seeing who it was, but the emcee told me to use the toilet at the back instead. I didn’t pick up on his reasoning.
Interpretation: I’ll split this piece into three parts:
a) The place that we were in was a dimly lit room. You could even say that it was a dark room with lights from the back, the projectors, and people’s laptop screens. Come to think of it, I’m not sure why I’d even have such a dream, but I digress. A quick check with the aforementioned website gave me a couple of ideas to work with. The first one is the possibility of something dangerous about to occur in my life. Let’s see - if you consider my hesitance on my capabilities of completing this semester without breaking down, then it might be the precarious thing that the subconscious is warning me about. The second one is where I’m stuck in a situation and having to make do with what I have. This one seems to be more realistic, seeing that I’m about to pull my hairs out.
b) The police arresting someone. Now, this could be a signal that feelings of change are being placed on me. It is either that or my presence brings a sense of security or calmness to a situation. Hah, I wish. I don’t think I’m that capable to defuse a low-level conflict before it explodes into a dispute.
c) Someone being handcuffed. Mind you, there are times when I feel like i’m reaching the limits of my mental and emotions. I’m forced to adopt the role of someone else, where I can’t express myself for the fear of aggravating or complicating a tender situation. I won’t be surprised if the situation that I’ve landed myself into that is the cause. You could say that my environment has forced me to adapt. I get glares/stares directed at me whenever I choose to express myself in Mandarin due to the stereotype and misassumptions. I’m not as fluent in Bahasa Malaysia as I am in English, so I only speak Malay when I’m within the four walls or back home in the good ole KL.
Instead of being myself, why not observe more than I speak?
I walked into the toilet cubicles and instantly felt fearful. The air was colder than I expected, and it left me thinking that I have company. It wasn’t until I met a four-legged fellow that my fear was soothed. I saw its name written on a tag that was hammered next to the main door. I whispered the dog’s name. The furkid waited outside the cubicle and its presence somehow managed to give me the peace and safety that I needed.
Interpretation: I’ll split this piece into three parts:
a) Walking into the toilet. Let's just say that I need the opportunity to rid myself of a negative situation, two of which I'm currently facing. I won't say much about the first one, but I can elaborate more about the second one. The fact that I haven't been able to study to the best of my abilities has tested my patience since the beginning of penultimate year. I feel like I'm being overwhelmed and am more than ready to drop everything, if it means having a breather.
I just need to let go and find my old self while trusting the process.
b) The fear that I felt in the toilet. The online dream interpretation suggested that a situation in real life is giving me the creeps. Sure, I am anxious about the little side project that I've just completed as I don't know whether the time spent on it would be a waste or success. I am also anxious about obtaining a credit for all of my courses this semester.
I just don't know whether I've done enough... which is ironic.
Where has all my confidence gone to?
c) Seeing the dog tag. Seriously, this is a description that is more suited for my good friend, not me. I've observed him - and his method of confronting a negative situation is different from mine. He doesn't speak of it and relies on himself to get things done. Me? I've to give myself some pep-talk to keep the rising fear and anger at bay.
Maybe the sudden loss of confidence is related to this. I've chosen to wear a happy mask in front of everyone to protect myself from the harsh effects of words or actions. I try not to rely on others for help - even though I'm drowning - and prefer to do it myself. Could that be an indication that I am emotionally protective of my work?
Some people had left my table when I returned from the toilet. We were seated near the projection screen on a long table. I was also tempted to do the same thing since it was getting late. I asked a fellow friend to walk me to my car after the event. He replied that it would’ve been something that he’d do even if I hadn’t asked him. He reasoned that he wanted to make sure that he saw me off safely.
Interpretation: a) Me talking to the girl and my friend. Oh, how in the world did my fears and insecurities slip into the dream? I don't like to air my grievances, because, let's face it, it could be used as a revenge or a way to get back to me if someone wants to see me suffer.
Hell, I even feel the traces of jealousy in some people.
Ugh, humans.
b) The friend agreeing to walk me to my car. Seeing that none of the attendees are people whom I know in real life, this might be the subconscious way of having a friend who is there for me. Sure, I know some of my friends would be there for me, but I'm not going to splash their inbox with paragraphs after paragraphs of rants and vents when I don't feel confident that it'll be kept as a secret. Maybe the dream is creating a mirror image of myself but with better qualities and tools to keep me going.
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
9/26/2017
Only God knows how exhausted I feel.
It looks like I have the bad habit of suppressing everything and not raising a hand when I need help. No matter how swamped or tired I am, you’ll see me waddling through the mountainous load of academic and non-academic things. That’s how I roll since college, but I have noticed something different in the recent weeks.
I always have flashbacks of past memories whenever I am in the midst of doing something. Even at the time of penning this post, I am reminded of a particular moment in time when we were visiting a docked cruise ship - Star Cruises, if I’ve correctly remembered the name - in Port Klang before we had dinner at the local seafood restaurant on our way back. Our travel companion chose Coconut Tree Seafood Restaurant. I can even be finishing my assessment when I suddenly catch myself thinking about my time in Fremantle, where I almost lost my way in the University of Notre Dame campus.
I’m excited that my penultimate year is a done and dealt thing after that Corporate Law exam. I want - no, scratch that, I need - to put a challenging year, personally and academically, behind me and focus on the end goal. The sigh of relief at having another year to complete. The prospect of graduating with the elusive degree which has made me lost ⅓ of my body size and continuously left me on the edge of the cliff. Lost ⅓ of the my body size? Yes, you read that right. Some of my college friends were unable to recognize me when I caught up with them last year. For reasons that only God knows, the aura has been different. I don’t even know what it is that I want out of life. I feel like I’m losing base with my academic knowledge and skill. With my mind having taken a leave of its own absence, I can’t fully concentrate and have the desire of retreating into my shell. Not just the shell; it’s the deep dark abyss of it, where I’m comforted by the soothing effects of the silence and darkness.
Maybe, who knows, I’ll be able to find that mojo again after the summer break.
It looks like I have the bad habit of suppressing everything and not raising a hand when I need help. No matter how swamped or tired I am, you’ll see me waddling through the mountainous load of academic and non-academic things. That’s how I roll since college, but I have noticed something different in the recent weeks.
I always have flashbacks of past memories whenever I am in the midst of doing something. Even at the time of penning this post, I am reminded of a particular moment in time when we were visiting a docked cruise ship - Star Cruises, if I’ve correctly remembered the name - in Port Klang before we had dinner at the local seafood restaurant on our way back. Our travel companion chose Coconut Tree Seafood Restaurant. I can even be finishing my assessment when I suddenly catch myself thinking about my time in Fremantle, where I almost lost my way in the University of Notre Dame campus.
I’m excited that my penultimate year is a done and dealt thing after that Corporate Law exam. I want - no, scratch that, I need - to put a challenging year, personally and academically, behind me and focus on the end goal. The sigh of relief at having another year to complete. The prospect of graduating with the elusive degree which has made me lost ⅓ of my body size and continuously left me on the edge of the cliff. Lost ⅓ of the my body size? Yes, you read that right. Some of my college friends were unable to recognize me when I caught up with them last year. For reasons that only God knows, the aura has been different. I don’t even know what it is that I want out of life. I feel like I’m losing base with my academic knowledge and skill. With my mind having taken a leave of its own absence, I can’t fully concentrate and have the desire of retreating into my shell. Not just the shell; it’s the deep dark abyss of it, where I’m comforted by the soothing effects of the silence and darkness.
Maybe, who knows, I’ll be able to find that mojo again after the summer break.
Saturday, September 23, 2017
9/23/2017
I dreamt that my sister and the good friend joked with each other at the far corner of the cafe. Although I was resigned to the fact that I wasn’t invited, I wasn’t annoyed because I wanted them to spend some time together. I was also sure that he told her some of the news that I already knew: one of which was him volunteering as a peer tutor for one of the law courses that he excelled in. With a sigh, I pretended that I didn’t see them and went my own way. It wouldn’t be fair for me to interrupt their private conversation.
When I saw them - or at least two people who looked like them - a couple of days later in another place, it irked me because you don’t consciously forget to invite another person twice in a row. I suspected that there was an intention to alienate me, so I asked my college friend to look after my backpack while I took my phone and went to them to say hello.
Interpretation: A quick look at the online website suggested that I might not have prioritised myself over everything else hence the feeling of being ignored in the dream. Now that I think back, it does make a tad bit of sense. My focus these couple of weeks have been divided between my personal undertakings and the assignments, leaving me with little to no time for some alone time.
The next scene involved me dreaming that one side of the intersection ahead of us was blocked for a cycling event. As my college friend and I waited to cross the road at the traffic lights, we were surrounded by four grumpy old men. Let’s just say that they were so pissed off that they hurled their displeasure at the inconvenience as they overtook us. My college friend and I stopped at the sidewalk and had a couple of last words before we went our separate ways.
I had booked a night in an exquisite hotel and made my way there. It was busier than I expected and after waiting for quite a while, I asked the hotel receptionist what had happened. She answered that the hotel was playing host to an entourage from abroad for an upcoming festival. It would be jam-packed with people for the next couple of days and if I was lucky enough, I might run into a handful of celebrities who stayed there. As I took the lift to the allocated hotel room, it involved me changing lifts at a certain floor.
Interpretation: A visit to the dream website gave an interpretation to this scene. It highlights my subconscious scream for help. I won’t know whether it is accurate because college has taught me to be independent. With that being said, I do feel like I’m at the stage where I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. My heart wants to abandon everything momentarily and run somewhere for a respite, away from the hustle and bustle of academia. Maybe this is what a burnout feels like.
When I saw them - or at least two people who looked like them - a couple of days later in another place, it irked me because you don’t consciously forget to invite another person twice in a row. I suspected that there was an intention to alienate me, so I asked my college friend to look after my backpack while I took my phone and went to them to say hello.
Interpretation: A quick look at the online website suggested that I might not have prioritised myself over everything else hence the feeling of being ignored in the dream. Now that I think back, it does make a tad bit of sense. My focus these couple of weeks have been divided between my personal undertakings and the assignments, leaving me with little to no time for some alone time.
The next scene involved me dreaming that one side of the intersection ahead of us was blocked for a cycling event. As my college friend and I waited to cross the road at the traffic lights, we were surrounded by four grumpy old men. Let’s just say that they were so pissed off that they hurled their displeasure at the inconvenience as they overtook us. My college friend and I stopped at the sidewalk and had a couple of last words before we went our separate ways.
I had booked a night in an exquisite hotel and made my way there. It was busier than I expected and after waiting for quite a while, I asked the hotel receptionist what had happened. She answered that the hotel was playing host to an entourage from abroad for an upcoming festival. It would be jam-packed with people for the next couple of days and if I was lucky enough, I might run into a handful of celebrities who stayed there. As I took the lift to the allocated hotel room, it involved me changing lifts at a certain floor.
Interpretation: A visit to the dream website gave an interpretation to this scene. It highlights my subconscious scream for help. I won’t know whether it is accurate because college has taught me to be independent. With that being said, I do feel like I’m at the stage where I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. My heart wants to abandon everything momentarily and run somewhere for a respite, away from the hustle and bustle of academia. Maybe this is what a burnout feels like.
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