This is all of me

"The closer you keep what’s in your head, to what’s in your heart. The better your life will be."

-William Chapman

(taken from Quote Catalog's Twitter)

I know that something in me must’ve changed in the past twelve weeks, but inasmuch as I’d love to pinpoint the exact reasons for it, I’m unable to. All I’m aware is that I’ve been rather harsh towards myself and withdrawing from the things that I once loved instead. I mean, look at the semesters for a comparison. In the last semester, it was a manageable time although I had a jam-packed schedule that left me wanting to pull my hair in displeasure. For this semester, I’ve been sitting at the edge of the cliff, more than ready to let myself go at any minute. My face was a canvas for the negative emotions that I felt (talk about wearing your heart on your sleeve, ugh). It numbed my feelings with such ferocity that I was in a daze for 75% of the time. If I felt something, it was only relief and worry. My confidence slipped through the cracks between my fingers and I had doubts about my choice of degree and career path.

There were a couple of occasions when I didn’t feel like attending my tutorials/lectures and wanted to hide under the blanket instead. The truth is, I’m not sure if I can hold it out any longer. My heart already feels weighed down by the emotional burdens that I’ll never share with friends and my shaky academic performance. It also feels like I won’t be able to achieve my full potential, especially after what happened during the Corporate exam. I’m sure the folks at the back of the hall would’ve heard the loud thud in the silent area. Although no one paid any attention to it, my heart raced with embarrassment.

You might argue that me dropping my notes was an accident and I shouldn’t blame myself for it. I could’ve prevented it from occurring, you see, by maybe leaving it on the chair next to me. For unknown reasons, I lost concentration for the next hour or so while I struggled to find my mojo and didn’t even know what I wrote for the directors’ duties question about the interstate mining venture. In hindsight, I actually knew what it hinted at when I read it, but I just couldn’t get it out onto the exam booklet.

Maybe it’s a sign that I’m losing control of things - or merely unable to cope with the stress on a sleep-deprived mode after the whirlwind dates with research essays. I hope it’s the latter. Things aren’t rosy if it’s the first one… because it’s sending me straight into the path of a burnout.

Since I’m done with the exams, I know that I should take the time off now to clear my congested psyche somewhere out of town (or even out of the country), but I can’t travel in peace until the results are released. Thinking about it has left me with sleepless nights and an onset of headache. I know I shouldn’t worry as I’ve done my best, but I know I could’ve done better and the waiting game is killing me. I also don’t like the idea of air travels. My yearly flights are done out of necessity, not by choice. I can’t travel in peace without knowing my official results either.

I don’t know why I keep getting flashbacks of a certain someone. Two of the events have always stood out in my mind: 1) him flipping through my floral folder that contained the English assignment sheets before our mentor-mentee meeting, as if I had granted him an advance consent and; 2) him perching against the wall in a daze with raw, rimmed eyes. He looked so … broken, like someone threw him into a hole and he couldn’t find any reason or strength to come out of it.

I’m sure there is a reason to it. I just have to dig deeper into the subconscious to find out what it is. Maybe it’s a warning to be cautious and observant of my environment, seeing that I still can’t blend in after three years. I discovered the truth last semester and it has nothing to do with the life here. If it is, I’ll be losing more weight and scaring the lights out of everyone around me. For all I know, I’m torn between returning to good ole Subang or remaining in Adelaide. Both decisions have its pros and cons: heading back will afford me the comfort and familiarity that I now crave, but at the expense of losing friends and reverse culture shock. Staying back will give me a shot at a new life, but at the expense of starting afresh - for the second time.

We’ll see which one I’ll choose when the time comes.