10/26/18

I wish that I’m writing this in a fit of anger. At least it would help to soothe the angst that I harbor towards everyone and everything in life now. I’ve always walked the middle path in life since I was a teenager, never choosing to conform to what society wants out of me and look at what benefits it brought me.

I was of a different size when I was younger. Less chubby even. If I have to describe, let’s just say that I was a walking bespectacled broomstick with long, wavy locks that fell below her shoulders. Family friends used to whisper that I needed to gain weight because I was severely underweight, but I didn’t care. I guess that was the initial signs of my rebellion. It was after college prom that I chopped it off and shortened the length. I craved a new start and a new chapter. It is arguable that the events in my life has shaped me in the way that I am because of the lessons and experiences garnered along the way, but what I never expected was the emotional weight left behind.

The line between black and white has blurred into a shade of grey and turned me into someone I no longer recognize. All I see is someone tired of maintaining two roles: someone who is optimistic and her true self. What greets me at the other end of the mirror is a girl who’s tormented by negative emotions (read: anxiety and overthinking) and biting the tree bark but failing to see life’s purpose for her. It is as if she has lost her way in this big, strange world where all the familiarity of sight and smell has evaporated into thin air. The memories that she once held close to her heart are slipping through the cracks of her fingers.

She’s someone who would be there for those in need of help yet she sadly knows that the comfort she desires, no one is able to envelope her with. The kind of comfort she values only exists in the perfect world, not in reality. Or not found in anyone. She knows that those folks whom she has helped before but turned a blind way when she was down in the dumps are laughing in the distance at her expense. She is also aware that this is the result of their achievements and they have conveniently forgotten the belief that life is a two-way street. That’s for sure; life has a funny way of obscuring what is right and wrong. If things have turned out in this unexpected manner, she has no choice but to turn her back. She has no choice but to throw her deck of cards into the campfire and watch it burn to embers before silently leaving without a word of notice. She won’t leave a note informing of her impending destination or where she’ll settle down because she no longer sees the reason to do so. She is in need of the isolation to recuperate from her weakened soul.



Whoever said that you only know who your true friends are during moments of hardship must have experienced tribulations in his or her life before. This quote is relatable for many yet not commonly acknowledged. Yes, I know a lot of people and a handful of them are who I think are my good friends, but no one - and only me - know the agony I’m living with. Imagine being stabbed repeatedly with a knife and unable to scream in pain because you don’t want to be labelled as an attention seeker. (And sadly, this is why there is a lack of awareness surrounding mental illness. It is such a sensitive topic that those suffering from it are embarrassed to openly discuss it because society doesn’t know how to accommodate the imbalance.) Imagine your repeated attempts to suppress your irritability when someone ruffles your feathers. Got the picture? That’s how I feel towards homo sapiens now. So, before you remark about how disrespectful and rude I have become, understand the factors and circumstances that led me to that stage.

I know I’m pushing people away or keeping them at a distance with my irritability, but I’m not apologizing for it whatsoever. Why should I worry whether they’ll be upset with me when I’m running low on fuel? It’s about time that I prioritize my well-being over that of others. There’s no one better than me who knows I’m capable of when my dark side emerges from the hidden depths of my soul…. and I know it’s emerging from its hideout after spending an x number of years in dormancy. It is only when I unleash my fury that people around me learn that I’m not to be messed with, which would be too late for them by then.

When the time comes, I’ll place this blog and all of my social media accounts on the backburner and hide myself in a place where no one can find me. If this is how the deck of cards are handed to me, I’ve had enough of playing it. I’m exhausted by the games life has me played for four and a half years now. I’ve had enough of dealing with double-faced people who have bled me throughout and decided to dispose me like a spoilt rag doll.