連我不曉得自己要什麼啦。我想要的東西，我卻拿不到。離我太遙遠，這些年抹掉我自信。可無所謂；我開朗性格也早已失去。
四年，爭取四年。
三年半，我壓制我情緒.
Even at 4 am, I’m wide awake after finishing the exam guide by hand. I don’t usually take notes by hand, but I noticed that it helps to cement the knowledge and understanding of the content. I know I need it, especially since I’ve screwed myself this semester. The beauty is that I’ve always realised the reason lies with me and it’s a bitter medicine to swallow when I know that I’m better than this.
Four years of biting the tree bark is coming to an end. Four years of suppressing my emotions and feigning perfection has done its damage of altering my state of mind. I’m aware that I should let the ocean waves take me to wherever it wants to, but it’s hard to retain a positive mind when all you see are the bad and the ugly. It somehow alters your perception on everything you thought you know well. One way or another, it’s an uphill battle. I’m not saying that I don’t have what others have because I know friends who would be more than willing to swap positions with me if the opportunity arises. The truth of the matter is that I took a divergent route and am now paying for it. It suits me due to practical reasons, but if you talk about its suitability, it’s not what I wanted.
If it is, why does it feel like I’m losing the battle?
Maybe it’s true; I was never comfortable enough to consider staying back and never gave voice to my thoughts as there is no necessity for it. I’ve had enough of placing others before myself when I’m running on an empty tank. Maybe I never truly fitted in. There’s something missing and I can’t seem to find it. I just want to be left alone and let the broken pieces of me heal - or run the risk of crashing and burning before my time is up. I’m already en-route to that ending as we speak and I don’t fancy the consequences. I know that there are changes as I’m losing the motivation to concentrate and focus. I just want to hide in bed and sleep... since there are no emotions involved when you sleep. No anger. No sadness. Just nothing.
Leaving would be a better choice since there are no reasons warranting me to remain here - and that is something I’m thankful for. I need to dedicate some time in a familiar place for myself. I’ve had enough of plastering a smile and all I want is to punch a wall. Okay, maybe a pillow … since it costs less to replace pillows than to repair walls. I’ve the flexibility to pack my bags and bid adios to this place. Do I regret that one decision? Yes, it was the precursor to the mess I feel now. Would I have chosen another route had I seen it coming? No, but I would’ve approached it with a different lens. Yet a part of me suspects that the disappointment and shock around me are a mere facade to mask their true intentions as they are relieved to see me leave. My light does not burn as brightly as it once did. It has dimmed to the point of being extinguished soon.
The question is … why I’m receiving flashbacks of this residential area somewhere in KL that I have visited as a young girl of maybe 8. There was a beautiful clubhouse that served lovely food. It was also a quiet place that seemed lovely to raise a family - with a water fountain at the entrance, which gave off a rich aura. Could it be a sign that my subconscious wants to return to the stress-free childhood days? A sign that I’ve placed myself under too much stress? Well, it makes sense as my sleeping pattern has gone away. If not for coffee and afternoon naps, I think I suffer from a severe case of sleep deprivation.
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