Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Pleas

Staring back at her was a broken person.
She no longer recognised her reflection in the mirror
Her bright eyes lost its soul, its radiance.
She longed to be released from her mental hell.
The corners of her lips;
It neither turned upwards nor curved downwards.
Her cracked soul searches for longing.
Acceptance in the big, cruel world, it desires.
The sound of her heart cracking
Growing louder with each passing minute.

Her mind is fragile.
Exhausted from the responsibilities on her plate,
Even in her sleep, it continues to taunt her.
Her heart is weary.
She craves the stability of the past,
Not the unknown future.
Her cries for help are all either rejected or ignored.
Struggling to hold everything together,
She silently drowns in her sorrow.
Yet, she knows it's her against the world.

On a free fall, she goes.
Her body is light, devoid of any burden.
Her mind is at ease, the worry gone.
She no longer feels pain.
In fact, she feels nothing at all.
Like a zombie, she is numb.
No offence taken but no delight in anything.
She is just numb, nothing more.
No one will be there to catch her
Or break her fall.

Sunday, June 17, 2018

06/17/18

With all of the assignments and exam now officially done and dusted, it is a relief to take a proper breather and sleep. For hours on end. Or at least until I feel refreshed enough to yank myself out of bed. I don’t know; having a dream about someone whom I’ve lost contact with was enough to throw me off-balance. Furthermore, I dreamt that I lost my teeth and yelled at someone in two separate scenes. I know it shouts a theme of fear and anger. Oh, trust me, when I am angry, I AM ANGRY but it turns inwards and consumes me from the inside. The beauty is that you would never see it on my face.

Although people under my astrological sign are known to be an extroverted person with a bubbly personality, don’t let that appearance fool you. Like the rest of our astrological brothers and sisters, we also have our dark side, which are harder and tougher to decipher. I can only speak for myself on this point because I don’t know if my friends (who are of the same sign) will behave in this manner. Somehow you’ll know when I’m unhappy - it’s like I’m walking under a grey cloud wherever I go or a faded glimmer in my eyes. As for anger, I force it not to leak out into my face because I don’t want to answer questions about it, especially if it is posed by someone who caused me to burn with fury. (At the time of the drafting and publication of this post, I’m at a stage where I’m engulfed with annoyance at everyone around me for their unwillingness to help yet courage to comment about my decisions.)

Would the dream be a sign that my subconscious is finding a way to express its annoyance at the repressed emotions? I wouldn’t be surprised if it is. I mean, look. Just because people think that I am a confident child does not mean that I truly am. You could argue that it’s a facade that I wear in public to keep people at a distance. Even those closest to me don’t even know what my thoughts are.

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

6/13/2018

Once again, sorry for dropping off from the face of the Earth. Be assured that it was by no means intentional - life took control and I found myself on the feet for most of the time. It sure didn’t help that the one and only paper was the first to kickstart the examination period, which meant a lot of balancing act between revisions, the two research essays, and volunteering events.

The pre-SWOTVAC period was hectic, let me tell you that. I have this problem every time my final research essays are due a couple of days before or on the same day as my exams. When I want to revise for the exams, my brain would want to focus on the essays. When I want to focus on the essays, it would plead with me to revise instead. So, yeah, at least it’s a relief that the assignments are now done and dusted - except that there were lots of late nights exacerbated by copious amount of tannin and caffeine. Don’t ask me why; I focus better as the night gets deeper into dusk. I also took some time off social media to retune my mental state of mind because I felt like I was drowning from everything. Us Sagittarians do not like to expose our vulnerability to anyone and would rather take on a tough approach (when we’re probably wanting out).

SWOTVAC made an appearance with the submission of my research essays, which left me feeling relieved and nervous at the prospect of having an exam almost immediately after. I was relieved because it meant that I’ll have a longer break period. Nervous because I don’t exactly do well under pressure and I didn’t know where to start with the revision, but oh well, it has to be done if I want to pass the finish line. It sure didn’t help that my laptop decided to throw tantrums at me by freezing at times when I need it to work the most. The LCD screen is obviously loose (otherwise there won’t be vertical lines appearing on it) yet I refuse to have it repaired or checked because it has not fully died on me yet. I was tempted more than one to throw it against the wall but realized that it has to serve me until the end of my exams next semester (or at least until graduation next year).

Depending on how well my research essays are graded, I might end up publishing one of them (since I think it’s a worthy topic), but we’ll see what happens then.

I’m taking a long break after the exam on Saturday - so don’t expect me to show my face in the blogosphere often. I need the time out to get my priorities straight and clear my head, especially after receiving that piece of news. *sighs*

Saturday, May 19, 2018

It's not right, but it's not wrong either to stay away

Courtesy of the event organizer for one of the volunteering events 
Maybe it’s true, alright.

If I wasn’t sure what I was thinking or whether I was mentally stable back then, the same might be applicable to him. We were both deers lost in the woods, unable to find the exit route and drowning in our own pain and sufferings yet wearing the facade of happiness in front of others.

Now that I’m in a foreign land, I can finally understand from his perspective. We wanted to push people away because we felt that they won’t be able to understand our implications from our eyes. We work so hard to the point of mental exhaustion yet we don’t get what we want.

Maybe it’s my fault, possibly.

I should’ve stayed my distance from the beginning.

If I had played my cards right, we wouldn’t have arrived at such a terrible ending. We could have maintained the little contact that we had and enjoyed the occasional sarcasm and jokes that we threw at each other. Neither one of us would be suffering in silence - you would not be able to trace any form of hurt or pain on this cheery face of mine unless I let it show. Neither one of us would have been each other’s sacrificial lambs. It had to be done if we wanted to move on in search of a better life without remnants of each other floating in the familiar places. You know my favorite haunts; I know yours. If I had played my cards right, I wouldn’t have sacrificed my friendship with you and let myself be guilt-tripped into a web of lies.

It took an acquaintance’s simple question in sophomore year to shake my core inside out: It sounds like you still like him. Why did you deny the obvious? A simple question that left me speechless for that split second because I never imagined the possibility. I only remembered treating him slightly different from the rest of my friends and him pushing me to my wits’ end.

Yet I might’ve subconsciously pushed him to his limit.

That staircase incident marked the freefall in our friendship - nothing that I did would have been enough to mitigate the effects for him and for me.

In hindsight, it all made sense: the teasing, the weird way of showing he cared, the coffee (even though he never remembered the way I like my drink from San Francisco Coffee), and the awkward action of exercising possession on almost all of my belongings. Yet I made the mistake that would lead to the biggest regret of my college life.

They say that time heals all wounds, but I don’t think the emotional scars that we both have will ever be healed. Maybe it will fade into the background with the right person, but it would always be somewhere in the depths of our abyss. Time has given me the luxury of analyzing the situation from his point of view and understand the drastic actions that he took. He made himself scarce in the weeks leading up to our graduation. He kept a distance whenever we were in the same room - he wasn’t his usual self, it was obvious to me. He was the first person I thought of when I realized that I left behind my folder for one of the subjects, but I don’t know what stopped me from texting him for help. Six weeks before the graduation, he gave me the cold shoulder and refused to even bat an eyelid at me. It was as if I was invisible to him. Although we spoke, it was brief and terse. And official.

It’s not that he chose to do it; he wasn’t left with much of a choice. It was either he dragged me down with him or he pushed me away. I guess he chose the latter because it would have made it unbearable to maintain the friendship. He didn’t want to be confronted with the fact that we would never be together.

I chose to leave. I chose to pursue my undergraduate studies abroad (and am now tossing up between staying back for a postgraduate in another field or doing it in my hometown). The college memories threatened to burden my heart with an anchor. I knew if I didn’t leave, I’d be searching the streets for that one familiar face. I know he wants me to be happy and content with the decisions I’ve made and I want the same for him too. Inasmuch as it’d be lovely to connect again, it would serve a contrary purpose. At least for me. Instead of making me relieved, I know that it’ll bring back all of the memories - the good, the bad, and the ugly - the moment I lay my eyes on him as I enter the agreed cafe.

The only way we are able to move on is to forget. Forget us. Forget our friendship. Forget the teases, growls, and fights. Some things are best left as it is. Looking for answers would merely bleed my heart, deeper this time. It took me a full year after college to mentally stabilize myself. I can’t let it derail me again when I’m rather close to the finishing line in a fragile state.

Coffee from a nearby cafe before an appointment with my lecturer
I’m not sure why I only think of him when it is closer towards the dreaded winter season. Maybe she’s right; a part of me loved him once before it found its way to hate for what he had done. I don’t mean hate in its literal interpretation, but more along the lines of leaving all of us out in the cold without an explanation or justification behind his departure. Maybe she’s right; I could’ve been happier if we didn’t push each other away and things would have taken a 360.

You might think that something bad must’ve happened for me to feel more down than I’m used to, but the truth is that it’s the time of the year. Furthermore, my sister and I caught up with the crim friend for a quick round of drinks after our oral presentation (which pretty much explained our not-so-formal-yet-formal-wear). Part of our conversation somehow went into the heart of this matter and how I seem to be surrounded by drama.

Sunday, May 13, 2018

5/13/2018

I dreamt that I brought the sister and another female friend to visit the building that once housed my college. This had been years in the making and they were interested to put a place to the wonderful stories that I have shared. After what seemed like an eternity, we were able to nail down a mutual time to fly in together.

When we walked past the location, there was a competition going on. Students were seated in rows of three. Beside the last person on each row was a bucket full of water. My heart turned sour at this sight because it reminded me of a particular event that was held during my year. Observing from a safe distance was the events management team. I didn’t give them much of a notice because most of the college alumnus knew that the campus was in another place and there was an overhaul of the administrative structure. I found my attention drawn to a particular person who resembled a college mate. We shared most of the classes for my first semester and I remembered him as someone who was sarcastically humorous and sharp-tongued. He looked older than I expected, even though he was younger than me by two years. Something must have had happened in the years that we lost touch.

As we were heading to another destination via a brightly-lit tunnel, I suddenly stopped in my tracks, which caught the sister by surprise. He was ahead of us, reprimanding our female friend. I reckoned that she did not divulge the fact that she knew him - either as a subordinate or colleague - because she felt that it was unnecessary to do so. The sister’s jaw slammed to the floor whereas I merely shook my head when we saw this. His temper hadn’t mellowed down even after all these years. He was still sharp-tongued. He must have felt that someone was looking at him because he suddenly turned in our direction and met our glances. That was when I noticed the full extent of time’s evil hand on him. His hair had a twinge of silver and he had crow’s feet. A sign of the pain and struggles he must have endured to be who he now is. He still had that look in eyes which warned people not to muck around with him. If he recognized me, he did a good job of hiding it. I held his gaze to see what he was going to do next: was he going to continue raining lectures on our female friend or do something else?

In another scene, I dreamt that we were on the move when we received a phone call from someone informing us about a death. We were both surprised because it came out of no blue. It wasn’t as if the person was on his deathbed or something like that. Another person in the queue next to us growled to the person serving him that he needed things to be done soonest possible as he needed to attend a wake service.

We found ourselves in the midst of a busy street when people started running helter-skelter in search of shelter before a loud bang and police sirens. I heard someone cursing as I dashed across the road, suddenly remembering a particular spot that would be safe for us. When the coast was clear, we continued to tour the area in our car. We could not find the exit sign even though the driver’s friend drew a map for her, no matter how hard we tried or how observant we were.

My head swirled with questions when I forced my eyes open after the dream. Certain elements of it did not make sense, especially after 4 - 5 years. I wasn’t quite sure whether it was him that I dreamt of because he did not age well, but it was the glimmer in his eyes and the way he held his gaze that gave his identity away. In essence, he had a resting bitch face and looked like he was angry with the whole world whenever he didn’t smile. He even barely laughed. Knowing the theme of my dreams, I shouldn’t be surprised because I have found myself reliving the college memories in reality and wishing that university life could be as good as that.

Don’t even get me started on the cliques and groups.

And yes, I do want to know whether the chap is living well.

For the scene where we walked past the college, the online dream interpretation suggested that I am about to learn something new or even the fact that I lost/retained friendships/relationships.

For the scene where he was reprimanding someone, I am going to assume that this occurred some ten years into the future. If he kept to his original plans, his job designation in the dream is synonymous with his career plan in real life. It might have also been a manifestation of him airing his frustrations on me in an attempt to get his side of the story out there.

For the second part of the dream, I don’t know where to even start the interpretation, but let’s start with the obvious. The theme of it is definitely death. If I am honest, I actually want to groan because the elective that I am enrolled in - Legal Theory - touches upon death and atrocious sufferings in most of its contents. But this raises the question of what death we are talking about. Is the death of a friendship? A death of someone? Or the death of a personality? I couldn’t remember much about the content, so I’ll assume that it is the latter - where there is a longing for a reinvention.

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

05/09/2018

I’m sure that something is off with my psyche. I’m either mentally or physically drowning from the stress that I’m living in. Otherwise, it doesn’t explain why things are as they are now.

The dreams have been weird for the past week, let me tell you that. It all started from that scene where I waited with the sister at the bus station when we saw someone familiar before i had a Taiwanese yumcha with Papa Carrie. The familiar person does exist in real life and he doesn’t know about this as I don’t intend on telling him about it - ever.

The next one was visiting a family-owned Japanese restaurant on the same row as my favorite haunt in real life.

The succeeding one was the one that left me shaking my head. It involved the good friend in the form of shared tutorials and accommodation.

Next came a negotiation with a tradesman over a job done to the house.

The last one was more … physical. I vented my frustrations over the vet’s lackadaisical attitude towards the animals by laying blows on someone named Jack. It left his female companion - his wife, I assumed - worried as she whispered his name. He nodded that everything was okay and held me closer to his chest to stop me from hurting him. Hurting myself. Based on the aura of the dream, this person was not a stranger to me. Now that I’m writing about this days later, I’ve a different theory to the dream than what I originally wrote.

Maybe the dreams are a manifestation of what the subconscious wants. The subconscious wants to be freed from its figurative cage and all the negative emotions I experienced. It is only within the four walls that I allow my truest emotions to emerge from its hiding place. And unless I take the initiative to burn your ears about it, you will not have an idea on the extent of it. Even though it may be splashed on my facial expressions, that is just the tip of the iceberg.

One thing’s for sure; I’m now at a stage where I’m numb towards certain things. Not everything excites me anymore. Not everything makes me hyped up and enthusiastic. I want to tear myself away from old acquaintances/friends and bid them adieu after what I’ve seen. I want to be left alone with my own mind for most of the time (which I can tell you is a dangerous thing in itself). I guess what has kept me going for the time being is the desire to complete final year on a slightly better level, if not for my job prospects but for my mental health. A wave of annoyance and self-blame would always engulf me whenever I think about my grades and how low it is. To you, it might seem okay. To me, it is not. I have such high expectations of myself that I’m slowly losing grasp of what led me to enrol in law.

I’m also at a stage where I’m retreating into my shell and pushing people a tad bit further than I should. I don’t want them to see my emotional scars because we are all silently fighting our own battles. Plus, what use is there even if they are made aware of it? It’s not like they are able to wipe the permanent blemishes and allow me to have a clean slate.


Sunday, April 29, 2018

04/29/2018

I dreamt that I was in the middle of a veterinary hospital, waiting for my turn to see the veterinarian in charge about the injuries that my dog sustained. I felt a wave of jealousy when I saw a couple holding a Maltese. One of the attending nurses was enamored by Maltese and chatted with its owners. Much to my surprise, the dog was able to respond in human language and explained the circumstances that led it to meet its current owners. It had something to do with being adopted as a stray.

My neighbor - a middle-aged couple - came with me because they knew that my parents were out of town and I couldn’t drive. My dog suffered from broken legs and a paralysed spine for reasons that I didn’t know. I just found him on the balcony with a pile of sand bags next to him.

The next scene involved the three of us in a discussion room with the veterinarian and his lawyer at the opposite end of the table. I believe the lawyer acted as the mediator, but not before giving me all the documents about duty of care and tort-related matters. I remembered seeing on the paper that he did not exactly owe a standard of care to the dog because it was not a human. He was unwilling to operate on the dog because I didn’t have pet insurance and the extra cash to pay for it. We struggled to arrive at a mutually-beneficial outcome for everyone involved… and I noticed that he started to wash his hands off the responsibility as well.

I was so upset with his indifference that I lashed out at him in angry tears, but was restrained by my neighbor who ended up absorbing the physical blows. His wife panicked at my actions and yelled ‘Jack’. The more I hit him, the tighter he held me as if to stop me from hurting either one of us.

I woke up with a massive headache and a pair of aching optic nerves after this dream. My eyes were not rimmed raw, but it felt like someone had placed a burning heat pack on it. With that being said, I immediately knew the theme of this dream, which was suppressed anger.

Way back when before the college and university enrollment, our family used to have two Maltese-Shih Tzu mix dogs. One was cream-colored and the other tri-colored. I’d like to think that the subconscious sent the cream-colored one to acknowledge the anger that I feel towards the world, but knowing my dreams, it is not as simple as that. By sending the tri-colored one, it is probably the subconscious wish to reach out to it for comfort. The situation that I landed myself in have left me on the edge for most of the time. I don’t like the deck of cards that I am playing with because I feel that there is a sense of unfairness. Its broken legs and paralysed spine could just be the symbol for my sorrow. My mind wants to call for help but my heart knows that it’ll never be answered in this materialistic world. My heart’s broken, but there’s nothing to repair it per se.

In the dream, I was already a law student, which made me angry with the lawyer and the veterinarian. My understanding of tort law is that a doctor owes a higher standard of care than the average person because of his skills and training as a medical professional, although there are not many cases of pet owners suing their vets if something goes awful.

I couldn’t see the facial features of ‘Jack’ in my dream, but based on his body language, it might be a representation of someone in reality. Someone who silently cared for me but never knew how to express it in the right manner.

Saturday, April 28, 2018

04/28/2018

I dreamt that I was lost in a place that resembled Sunway Pyramid. I entered the elevator when the doors opened. I punched the button that would have brought me to the floor that I wanted. It didn’t work no matter how many times I pressed it. After silently cursing under my breath, I noticed the card reader below the buttons. I figured the floor that I wanted to go must only be accessible with card access. I panicked when the elevator moved on its own, not realizing that someone else had called for it.

I instantly felt the creeps the moment the doors opened. All I saw was darkness and a wall before I noticed that there was a chubby lady wearing the lanyard. She was shocked to see me there, but nevertheless entered and tapped her card to allow us access. When we exited, we were on the ground floor and she guided me to my original location using the public route.

In the next scene, I was on campus and making my way to the little booth to grab a book. The person who manned the booth was known amongst students for sourcing unique, rare yet awesome books. I wasn’t sure if she had the book that I wanted, but I wanted to try my luck. As I made my way there, I received an email from one of the university departments, apologizing that my application had not been approved for the program. The person in charge continued by saying that if I could redraft the submission with correct usage of words, they were more than willing to reconsider my application.

The three of us were at the booth. I silently groaned when I saw the queue that had gathered. Exhaustion clouded me, but I snapped to attention when I felt a comforting hand on my neck before the owner started massaging it. It turned out to be a friend who sensed the change in my body language and suspected that I was swimming in stress. Since the owner didn’t have the book that I wanted, we made our way to the exit. My sister suddenly rang my phone, but I told her that I’ll call her back later when I was free.

For me to have such a dream of being lost, I must be stressed out and feel like I’m alone in the dangerous world. The suppressed anger and sadness are bubbling at the surface, ready to make an array of an explosion at any minute. I reckon the doors are my subconscious cry for help - the emotions are searching for a suitable outlet without attracting any attention.

I almost fell off the bed in shock when I turned to see who dared to massage my neck. It was an acquaintance from Constitutional Law, but I’ve learned to focus on the context of the dream. I shudder to even consider this probability, but am I subconsciously craving for a boyfriend to hold me in his arms, be there for me in the journey, and assure me that everything will be alright again? *facepalm*

I do know that my heart feels heavy, though.

Based on what I saw when we left campus, it immediately dawned on me that I was back in Petaling Jaya. In a building opposite Menara Axis. Not directly opposite, but the Federal Highway separated the two buildings.

Monday, April 23, 2018

I'm spinning around in circles

The moment I set foot in the library or the bookstore, I know I left the chances of me leaving empty handed at the entrance. Unless I exercise a strong degree of self-restraint, you can be assured that I’ll leave with a borrowed book or a purchase. Since the library has an earlier business hour this year, I made my way to the main library and found myself loitering around the aisles of books. I knew that I was in the aisles of literature and history when I saw familiar topics, such as Voltaire and Auschwitz.

Now that I have found a quiet spot to hide from my peers in law, I am able to allow myself to reflect on something. I’m not sure why, but this has been at the front of my mind for a while now. My senses are forever heightened whenever a particular person is around me. It’s as if I know he’s there yet I’m keeping a distance.

And it’s bringing me back to that episode (which I’m trying to forget, but to no avail).

Way back when in that time, I wasn’t sure if what I felt was infatuation or straight up love. It also didn’t help that my predominant focus was on studies and friends, so it didn’t give me much leeway to consider the signs. Since there is absolutely no form of communication between us both now, it’s relatively safe for me to describe the context yet keep the person’s identity hidden.

My hopes are not high that things will change between us.

By the curious twist of fate, we basically had similar classes in the first part of the journey. Trust me, I think I saw him more often than I did with another friend, lol. We would always run into each other, seeing that we go to the same place during the break time - but never had the opportunity to hang out together as a big group. We also treated each other in such a manner that outsiders would shake their head at. I wouldn’t call it a shitty treatment (and I think he would have said the same thing at that time). There was just a lot of playful - but verbal and sarcastic - arguments.

Gosh, he teased the hell out of me until I exploded in anger before he softened the blow. I also used to throw tantrums (think of it as a lot of hits and misses) at him as he, for the weirdest reason, felt like a safety blanket. It’s like he knew I’d never cross that invisible boundary of offense.

I panicked once when I saw him with swollen, red eyes, but never pried the reasons out of him. I never expected much because it wouldn’t get me anywhere. First, we are born under the same astrological sign (seeing that our birthdays are a day apart!!!). Second, we pretty much have the same wavelength and desire to maintain an aura of perfection in public. Third, based on what I’ve observed, we are from the same category of psychology. We don’t fancy small talk - but humor us with a topic that we love and you’ll never hear the end of it.

I’m not specifically sure what led to the breakdown of our friendship and I don’t know if I want to figure out the reasons. It has been years now; there’s no benefit in doing it. In fact, it’ll probably lead to me ripping apart the stitches that sealed the wound. With that being said, I have my suspicions. One of it is the reason why I carry a sense of guilt that things turned out this way. We never got so much of a chance to sit down and say goodbye to each other - properly. We let things degrade to such a stage where it was better off to burn the bridge that held our friendship. You see, I once hated and took offense with the actions that he took. After thinking about it back and forth, I came to the conclusion that there were reasons behind his decision to do what he did. That’s the one thing that I took away: true love will only come when your soul is ready and you need to understand the situation that someone is dealing with before you judge their decision.

Now that winter is fast approaching, something has been unlocked in me again. You know, the emotions sliding from good to bad and from bad to worse. That’s how I feel now. I’m not surprised if I’m on the downward spiral of emotional eating instead of eating only when I’m hungry. Although the IHL acquaintance said that it should be easier seeing that no legal research is needed, I’m not looking forward to the advocacy in DRE because it has the element that I have feared for the last four years: rebuttals. I’m not sharp or fast enough to object the opposing counsel’s questions on the grounds of irrelevance or leading questions.

But I guess it’s unavoidable - now that I’ve landed myself in this boat.

Friday, April 20, 2018

04/20/2018

Why my dreams are weirder nowadays, I’ve no idea.

The subconscious brought me straight to the middle of the scene, so here we go.

I dreamt that we were discussing how the course treated us while we dragged our feet out the door. We had initially agreed to share a place to offset the financial burden of paying rent since we were students doing similar degrees from the same batch. And we were away from home. We rushed out to get out to catch the bus in time for our Family Law tutorial, but I left my backpack in the house and had to return to grab it. After sending him off to the bus station, I ran home to get my bag and waited for the next available bus.

I was lucky in some ways that there were regular buses to campus from our place, but the schedule was screwed up for that day. When I arrived, that particular bus was just about to leave and I had to bang its window to stop the driver from driving off. The bus did not have many passengers (as always) when I boarded it. I took a seat in the middle and found myself facing an adult lady with shoulder-length black hair and in corporate wear.

I knew that there was little chance of me arriving on campus in time for class when we landed in the peak hour traffic. So, I messaged the housemate and informed him to keep an extra copy of his notes because I’ll get it off him instead.

In another scene, I dreamt that my sister and I were walking along the pier and breathing in the chilly air of the sea. We were heading towards the jetty when I noticed two of her friends and brought her attention to it. She said hello and I plastered a smile when our paths crossed with theirs, but they ignored us. It suited me fine because they don’t know who I am. She, on the other hand, found it odd with the change in behaviors, but I advised her to let it slide as there was no use in harping about it.

Now, I groaned to my sister about the content of the dream because we initially discussed a couple of times to share a place once we land ourselves with jobs in the same city - to offset the financial burden and maybe accompany each other, so to speak. For me to dream that I shared a place with him, and not her? It is odd. I mean, sure, it’d be fun if the three of us rented a house together but he and I, well, we never talked about it.

The part where we took Family Law was a tad bit shocking as well. He doesn’t exactly love the way that the course is structured, judging from what he mentioned about it. I was actually relieved that I had made the eleventh-hour decision last year to enroll in it (even though I had to delay the winter flight).

As for me knocking on the bus and boarding it, the online interpretation highlighted that I might also be at the stage where I’m going with the flow without the platform for me to stand out. That’s true. I’ve taken comfort in blending with the crowd rather than shining out with whatever talents or accomplishments that I have. In addition, there is an internal conflict between option A and option B. I’m not surprised; I personally would love to return to Subang after I’m done with my papers, give the graduation a miss, and find a legal job back home. But everyone around me (especially those two) wants me to remain in this state.

As for us walking at the pier, there are two meanings. First would be the desire of throwing the towel and hide from everyone whom I know until I’m more confident to deal with the crap around me. Everything has caved in and I’m silently drowning. Ask me how I am, and I’ll probably lie right through my teeth and convince you that I’m tired, but still surviving. The second, I’ll chalk it up to sister’s subconscious.
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