Saturday, August 11, 2018

8/11/18

I dreamt that we were lost at the intersection. There were buildings surrounding us and somewhere in the near distance was a famous shopping mall. As we approached the roundabout, the car driver suggested that I look at the map for directions and I could find it in the pocket by the passenger side. When I retrieved it and opened it, it read ‘Mid Valley Ring Road’ at the top of the map. I stumbled for a second because the ‘Mid Valley Ring Road’ I remembered was not the one in front of us.

In the next scene, I applied for a position and surprisingly was accepted. The condition was that I had to collaborate with two Caucasian colleagues. When they found out that I am from Subang Jaya, they asked if I harbored any intention of returning to my hometown or if I was staying back in the country.

We went on a road trip to some place that I don’t recognize and found myself in the direction of the toilets. I’d like to think that it’s because of a number one or number two, but when I arrived at the entrance, I realized that it wasn’t. Outside the entrance were framed drawings of beaches on the walls. Inside, there were multiple dividers made from rattan separating the cubicles.

To be honest, I’m not extremely surprised that I was lost in the dream because my subconscious is a reflection of what my thoughts are. I’m more lost in the waking hours not because I’m confused, but because I’ve seen the true colors of those who I thought carried a genuine personality. Heck, I’m not even sure what the future holds now. To see it being reflected in the dream was nothing surprising.

According to this website, there are different interpretations about dreaming of maps. One of which is that it means I haven’t found my footing after all these years and as a result, I’m not settled with my surroundings. Again, the dream speaks for itself.

As for the car driver, it was someone much older than me. Someone from the previous generation. Someone who I figured would be Papa Carrie, seeing that it’s a male, but let’s just say that it had the aura of a father figure. Seeing that it’s not me who is driving (ironic because I’m not a license holder yet), it might mean that I’ve given up control of my own life. But we’ll see on that.

And for the toilet scene, this is the second time that I have dreamt of toilet cubicles. This website plainly suggests that there is some form of negativity in my life that I want to wash out.

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

8/7/18

Spending time with the sister as she played a bunch of songs on the piano in our faculty (don’t ask why it’s there; I don’t have the answer for you), a particular piece pained my heart so much that I thought someone stabbed me with a knife. It made me think how beautiful it would be if the three of us - one on piano, one on guitar, and one chilling with her eyes closed - were somewhere at the beach, enjoying each other’s company with a glass of wine to lighten the mood and relax our tired souls.

This, unfortunately, has made me analyse my behavior in college at the commencement and right up to graduation. The first couple of weeks on campus were rather uneventful; it was nothing out of ordinary - just a lost girl finding her footing on stable ground without attracting drama. It was in the third week that things became more interesting. I guess it started when that child asked me why I enrolled into History instead of keeping my slot in Economics. The truth is, there was a late opening for History and I wanted it so bad that I didn’t mind the daily commute at 7 am.

Yes, you read that right.

The daily commute at 7 am.

The smile slid off my face when I saw a couple of familiar faces, but I should’ve seen it coming. There were signs indicating that child loves his history as much as he does with creative writing and I must’ve been blind to dismiss it. There’s more I could spill, but I’ve been careful about revealing the amount of information on this part of college life. I’ve always had a soft spot for that child; as weird as it may sound to your ears, we loved driving each other up the wall in our unique way. I don’t expect him to know this: he was the first person who came into my mind during my college semesters whenever I wanted to share a piece of good news or needed his help on something, but I controlled myself from approaching him.

So long, my friend. Always know that the wind will carry my wishes and prayers to you by its own method. Although I don’t necessarily appreciate the covert inferences, I know that’s just you being you.

Okay. I’m tired of life as a whole. As it turns out, no matter how much I wanted to hate the decision I made to pursue the degree abroad rather than locally (and save myself one year and the financial expenses attached to that extra 12 months), masks are starting to fall off the faces. People’s true colors have emerged from the dark abyss of their heart, illustrating their priorities and thoughts. Heck, I even feel myself changing - for better or for worse, I don’t know. Only the suspicion that I’m not who I was when I graduated from college.

I’m easily distracted nowadays and feel like something else is taking hold of my attention. Although I barely focus for long, I somehow manage to summon enough energy from somewhere to force myself to remain in the present and take notes in tutorials or lectures. I’d like to think it’s the cause of the wintry weather, but a part of me believes that there is more to it than meets the eye. I’m also easily exhausted. If not for the compulsory attendance at lectures and tutorials, I would be sleeping it off to cure the exhaustion - or at least that’s what I’ll attempt to.

But what I’m worried the most is not the physical exhaustion, but the emotional one where no amount of sleep/rest can cure it. Don’t blame me for such a thought; I don’t wake up feeling refreshed. In fact, if I have a choice, I’d stay in bed for the whole day and suffer the consequences for doing so, such as the overdue errands.




Saturday, August 4, 2018

8/4/18

Maybe it’s the effects of winter, I don’t know.

Writing this in the wee hours of the morning when I have an 8 am class isn’t exactly the best thing I should be doing. It doesn’t help that I’m about to blog on flashbacks - of all the topics to choose from. Flashbacks of the awkward interaction have occurred at times when I don’t need it to affect my emotions.

It has happened so many times out of nowhere, ready to pounce on the unsuspecting me. You can see the change in me if you look careful; I’ll retreat into my shell and detach from the present situation. When that happens, just leave me as it is.

The fact is I’m tired.

I’m tired of dealing with things.

I’m tired of pretending everything is okay when it's not. You guys will never understand unless you’ve lived my life in my shoes.

My heart bleeds uncontrollably when those episodes decide to ruin my day. It is during those moments of discomfort that I ask myself, have I gotten the short end of the stick? Has life given me too much to handle at such a tender age - even before I’m of the legal drinking age? I know that we all have our own battles to fight in the dark, but I just can’t help but wonder why some people are exempted from the cruel stroke of fate. I don't like being tormented by those flashbacks because it angers me to the point where my sleep is disrupted.

Sure, having someone there to soothe the anger would be good, but I’m not one who listens to reassurances. It's either let me whinge or piss off. It's either help me to resolve it or leave me alone. Reassurances won't change a thing; if it does, I wouldn't be so … on the edge. But it’ll would help if there's someone to embrace me with the warmth, comfort, and strength.

Just sitting there in the silence with me, watching the bright lights of dusk.

Just sitting there with whispers of the night.


It makes me wonder whether things would be different if a crystal ball had been used. Certain things would’ve remained the same, that's for sure, but there would’ve been changes. For one, I’d have been able to make enough inferences from the evidence to formulate an argument on this. In an alternate universe, where perfection exists, yes, I'm confident that I can deal with it. I skirted around it with the hope that it’ll die out - much to from the evidence to the allegations although it was just hearsay. It didn’t work - much to my shock and horror.

Because I knew what I stood against from the outset, I saw us more suited as friends and nothing more than that. I could predict the amount of complications and headache spanning from it. Yet my heart still feels uncomfortable every time I see/hear something that reminds me of him.

Maybe it’s because of that card I played.

I played it without fear or understanding of the consequences that will arise from my actions.

Although I have said it before and countless times before (that I’m comfortable with leaving things the way it is if it meant happiness on his side), my heart seems to disagree with my brain. The heart wants the opportunity to make amends and soothe the awkwardness that may have occurred between us in the past. The brain, on the other hand, has created an invisible barrier in between and keeps reminding me that it’d be for the worse if I ever find a way to communicate with him.

Thursday, July 26, 2018

What you see is not what you get

After spending almost four years on this degree, it has made me contemplate things that I shouldn’t. I would like to think that my emotional absence is the cause of all the premature decisions that I made, which incited the murky situation that I am now living in. But I highly doubt that it is the predominant cause of everything. It would take more than an emotional absence to cause it; it would take something like a loss of faith - a loss of trust, even.

I am exasperated at everything that has occurred, but it’s not like I’ll let it spill onto my face. What I’m experiencing is only for me to resolve. I’m not in the favor of having my vulnerabilities used against me by people who don’t have my best interests at heart. And who those people I can trust remains unknown - even until now. Personally, if you ask me, I don’t feel like anyone would be able to understand the stories that live in the depths of my heart. Even though others may say that they are able to understand or even empathize, it is impossible unless they have suffered from a similar predicament or experienced something similar. I’ve also noticed that people would only help others when they themselves are able to reap benefits from it, although I understand that there are exceptions to this. The question is whether you are able to decipher who’s there for the long-haul from the start. Who’s there for who you are, and not what you are.

External factors have turned me into someone hardened by her emotions. Someone who hates her life but not to the extent where she is ready to end it all. But someone who wants to call it quits and move to a place where no one knows her instead. She wants to start over to allow her heart to recuperate from the negative emotions, silent stress, and the dark side of living. Although I still look like the same child, the same well-mannered Sagittarius, I’m not who I once was. I don’t feel the same either and am desperately holding on to the little resolute and determination I now have. I know that it sounds shocking to most of my college friends because I’ve somehow adopted the aura of confidence and feigned that life is peachy. Because no one’s life is perfect. Everyone’s life comes with humps and bumps that we must conquer if we want to move ahead in life. But still, the reason why I’m tormented in my dreams is because I have placed the interests of others before mine to make them happy, even though it continuously bleeds me.

I don’t know what I’ll do once the resolute and determination slips through the cracks of my fingers.

Would my worst nightmare of throwing the towel and ending it all happen?

Would I turn out to be my own worst nightmare? Stoic. Incapable of trust. Seeing the worst in people from the outset. Chasing even the closest people away and keeping an arm’s length from them.

We all have our own regrets. It’s just whether we choose to speak of it or swallow it with a pinch of salt and force ourselves to continue with the next chapter of our lives. I know people who have chosen either option - and the ones who are artificially happy fall under the latter category. There is nothing like being on the go for almost 24/7 to take one’s mind off the regrets. Or at least that’s what I feel.

What’s getting weird for me is the occurrence of a particular person in my dreams. I can’t remember the exact content of it (it’s hard when you are half-conscious and dying from lack of sleep), but it involved my college friend and the loss of a decayed tooth. Now, I never fancied dreams where I lose teeth because it does not carry a positive undertone. It means that I’m full of anxiety and hesitant of the unknown - again and over again. Dreaming of him, well, I guess I know the reason behind it, but I’ll leave it for us - me and him - to resolve it among ourselves. But one thing is for sure; the movie that I watched in-flight is not the precursor of the recent dream. Now, that person and I, we were never in a relationship but in a state of love-hate friendship. It makes me smirk when I reflect on this because a lot of the signs were there, presented to me on a plate with invisible dishes. Yet, I chose not to acknowledge it because I sort of knew what would have occurred if I accepted it. I can tell you straight-up what would’ve ensued if we both took the plunge and disregarded our fears and hesitation. I’ll speak for myself only because I’ve no idea what his thoughts are. Let’s just say that there would have been happiness intertwined with hurt as the obstacles would be way greater than first thought of. Truth be told, half of it actually exists in most relationships. Happiness because he’s one of those friends who seem to know me better than myself. Reads me like a book - or he reasonably does try to. In short, just like what a brother would do. Hurt because it’d have transcended into a long-distance relationship, one that I’m unable to do. Tears would be shed at the departure hall. Lots of phone calls and text messages. A heavy heart.

But then again, our weird interaction has degraded into something similar to awkwardness. It’d be much better for us to remain in the current state, especially since I’m in the final semester of a degree that has challenged everything I have held close to me. My mental state. My physical health. The way my social life has taken a backseat. The change of approach and outlook towards life. And more.

Monday, July 16, 2018

7/16/18



I dreamt that I somehow purchased or rented a luxurious condominium unit in an upscale neighborhood. The living room was tastefully furnished with warm colours and a couple of loud pieces, such as the velvety red carpet underneath the coffee table. There was a lake view with the sunset reflecting its beautiful shade in the water. Next to it was a three-storey villa with wood for walls. Certain sections of that house had floor-to-ceiling windows. Parked in the driveway was a black vehicle. From my vantage point, I couldn’t identify the car make and model, but it looked like it was an Audi. As I gazed out of the window and tried to make my worries disappear, my boyfriend approached from behind and asked whether everything was okay.



In another scene, we visited a particular friend of mine. I was a tad bit apprehensive of this as there was a history between me and him. Well, not exactly a history but somewhere along those lines. Like old times, the friend and I joked around, which left my boyfriend uncomfortable. My boyfriend felt insecure at this conduct and pulled me close before he planted a soft kiss on my cheek. I panicked when he did this because I didn’t want things to become awkward and sandwiching me between them.



A quick search online suggested that my soulmate would arrive from the corner at some point, but I might have to beg to differ on this. As for the make-believe boyfriend in the dream, the online interpretation (www.everydayknow.com/what-does-it-mean-to-dream-about-a-guy-youve-never-met/) exemplified that ‘one of the most common reasons why Mr. Right is an unknown stranger in your dreams is because you don’t actually know who he is in your real life. You may want to have a romantic relationship or a sexual fling in your real life. Since you do not have someone to actually play that role in your waking life, your subconscious had to make someone up for your dream. Your mysterious stranger will most likely be replaced by a real person once you find the right guy in the real world.’ 



At the current time, I haven’t made arrangements to accommodate the entrance of a significant other - even though the subconscious could be craving for it. The boyfriend in the dream does not exist in reality, but he resembled a friend and possessed the aura/characteristics of another. No wonder I felt a slight of twinge of panic. My mind also shouted a familiar name. The name of someone whom I have not spoken to in years. I guess it’s the subconscious wondering about the what if. 




The online dream interpretation - Aunty Flo - suggested that ‘to see a newly built mansion in your dream suggests that you might be moving into a brand new phase of life - or perhaps a fresh outlook in life.’ (credits: https://www.auntyflo.com/dream-dictionary/mansion)



Back when I was younger, I once envisioned myself living in The Glades (Putra Heights) or Sunway Quay. My best bet is that the subconscious desires to live in a place that have the similar aura as these locations and the newly built villa is a reminder that half of my dreams are alive, but not burning brightly. 



As for the sunset, We Know Your Dreams.com opined that ‘dreaming of sunset also means that you are terribly disheartened by something in your waking life and you are looking forward to put an end to it. However, the bad time is not ending and you are in the same pit. You are trying hard to get rid of the major problem that you are into (probably a terrible relationship), but the problem is simply holding on to you.’ (credits: http://weknowyourdreams.com/sunset.html)



Well, there is a certain element of truth here. I am disappointed by something in my waking life and can’t wait for this pathetic chapter to write itself out. Based on what I have experienced and seen so far, I’m afraid that like what the prediction said, there is no end to this. At least for now. No matter what I do, I’m stuck in the murky waters. What’s making it worse to endure is that it’s not the first time I’m feeling this way.

Monday, July 9, 2018

7/9/18

Hugs are exchanged.

Tears are shed. 

Their eyes shine under the bright lights. 

The mood of the place, 

Floats from happiness to sadness.

And from sadness to happiness. 



The airport lounge buzzes with activity, 

Like bees flocking to the honeycomb. 

All travellers, 

Divided by flight class.

All passengers, 

With equality.



Seated in the serene lounge, 

I am alone in the crowd of travellers. 

Like scattered strangers we are,

Yet headed towards the same direction.

Our exhausted eyes, 

Full of understanding.

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Stuck in the shadow

Anger and annoyance are surely thick in the air from the dark side of humanity. It has drained all of the emotional energy and patience I have with everyone around me - or is this the downside of doing law that no one warned me of? Is this the final torture before the light at the end of the tunnel? Where I’d feel so much indescribable pain that I just want to be left alone to wallow in them and seek solace in the darkness?

If it is true, then it makes sense why I’m pushing people away - but it’s about time I prioritize myself first. I know what I’m capable of when I’m pushed into the corner and the last it happened, it sent my friends cowering in fear. It also didn’t help that I dreamt of a religious institution. Although it is not the specific Church that I attend my weekly Masses in, there was a sense of familiarity about it. I’m not sure about the thematic feel, but it sure is indicative of me questioning everything that I once believed in.


Exams and assignments are done for me; I’m not supposed to feel like I am exasperated with everything and everyone around me. I should be relaxed instead.

Oh well, guess I need to ‘make that trip’* and confront whatever is hiding in the dark abyss of my heart. It’s about time that I listen to its demands and either work around it or resolve it.

*I was trying to make the reference to the scene in Yu Yu Hakusho where Yusuke pays his last respect to Raizen before making his return to the human world, but I can’t seem to remember Raizen’s exact words.

Monday, June 25, 2018

6/25/2018

I dreamt that a friend and I visited an acquaintance of mine - or rather, a family friend since he knew my parents. What I didn’t know was that he was a law lecturer until he let the cat out of the bag. Sure, I knew that he taught for a living but only that. When he said that he is teaching DRE but in another university, I asked him to repeat himself because I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

As we walked out of his house, my breath caught in my throat because I was looking at the vast scenery of bluish sky and greenery. It definitely was not your average residence with semi-detached and terrace houses.

The next scene panned to the exact street that I grew up as a child. I panicked as I couldn’t find my Shih Tzu dog and yelled his name at the top of my voice. As it dawned on me that someone might have stolen him, my voice cracked and I ended up burst into tears. As if sensing my fear, a gold Cocker Spaniel emerged from nowhere and crawled her way to me. Her red leash was still intact. I looked left and right but there was no sign of her owner. As I looked deeper into her watery eyes, there was an element of recognition. It was if she knew who I was. She then guided me to an entourage of people throwing a party in a public place. The person who answered my knock on the door was a Singaporean celebrity - I didn’t know his name, but I remembered seeing one of his TV dramas.

Okay, I’m not sure where to start, but I’ll give it a go.

As for the lecturer, it might be the male version of my DRE lecturer. In reality, I just finished the DRE exams and my lecturer for that course is a female. Some elements of that particular scene resonated with me because that’s exactly what she shared with us during our knitting sessions. There is a chance that my subconscious is worried about my exam performance. I’m not worried about a bare pass, but I’m not sure if I’m able to achieve the grade that I need.

As for the Cocker Spaniel, this is where it gets interesting. Even though I have been away from that street for such a long time, I still can remember it at the top of my head. The dog belonged to my good friend, which is a bit ironic that this is the second time I've dreamt of the fur child. I've never officially met her, only through pictures that he uploads on Instagram. A quick check online revealed something unexpected:

1) my inner child has had enough of the chaotic world; and

2) 'alternatively the Spaniel could be symbolizing your alertness. The appearance of a spaniel may mean that you are looking for companionship. You are ready for a relationship.’

(Both interpretations are credited to Spirit Animal Totems.)

Come to think of it, the second possibility might make full sense because I had a similar dream the night before. I was with someone - a male with short, black hair, about my age if not slightly younger - in a Ramadan bazaar, looking for Malay delicacies when he said that he'll pay for my share as well. The only problem? I couldn't see who this guy was. Only his hair and height stood out.

As for me dreaming of that Singaporean celebrity, maybe it is my subconscious admiring a famous person's financial security and focus/emphasis on presenting a good work that reminds the audience of them.

Saturday, June 23, 2018

6/23/2018

I dreamt that I was being driven by someone in a car on a highway - over bridges and a hellish place that I had no intention of returning to. I found myself hiding from the bad guys in a hotel. The first three floors were visible from the ground floor with a window for its ceiling to minimize the use of lights, but as I made my way up, it was no longer exquisite. It was as if the higher I went, the darker the place felt. The top floor was much quieter and dimly lit, leaving a cold, invisible hand on my spine and causing goosebumps all over my skin.

I wanted to find a secluded spot where I could hide from the bad guys and ended up running into a known associate in real life. He asked me for directions to his intended destination and in exchange, he told me of a place in the hotel where I could seek refuge. Yet, I still found myself panicking with a racing heart.

In the next scene, I dreamt that I was in an elevator with an elderly couple who brought me to their apartment in the building adjacent to the hotel. It was a spacious residence and had an open feel to it. The living hall, the kitchen, and the living room did not have dividers to it. It was just a smooth-flowing layout. Their adult daughters were in town for the current moment. It gave me the feeling of being safe but not so safe living with so many people in the place.

There was a small flicker of fire on one of the hotel floors and immediately told my hosts that we should make a run for it. Someone was either playing with firecrackers or trying to start a fire. Before I knew it, the camera panned to the ocean outside the hotel. There were docked yachts at the marina before a sudden explosion. A guy who was sailing with his younger female companion - which I assumed was his daughter - panicked and burst into the hotel lobby, looking for someone familiar. It was an empty hotel when they walked in.

The context of the dream jolted me awake at 6.45 am and I did not like the overall aura it gave me. It wasn’t even the work of the morning chill. It felt as if someone left a cold hand at the base of my spine.

I have a rough idea on what the dream is hinting but because it’s a tad bit too personal to splash in the public sphere, I’m not going to share it online.

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Pleas

Staring back at her was a broken person.
She no longer recognised her reflection in the mirror
Her bright eyes lost its soul, its radiance.
She longed to be released from her mental hell.
The corners of her lips;
It neither turned upwards nor curved downwards.
Her cracked soul searches for longing.
Acceptance in the big, cruel world, it desires.
The sound of her heart cracking
Growing louder with each passing minute.

Her mind is fragile.
Exhausted from the responsibilities on her plate,
Even in her sleep, it continues to taunt her.
Her heart is weary.
She craves the stability of the past,
Not the unknown future.
Her cries for help are all either rejected or ignored.
Struggling to hold everything together,
She silently drowns in her sorrow.
Yet, she knows it's her against the world.

On a free fall, she goes.
Her body is light, devoid of any burden.
Her mind is at ease, the worry gone.
She no longer feels pain.
In fact, she feels nothing at all.
Like a zombie, she is numb.
No offence taken but no delight in anything.
She is just numb, nothing more.
No one will be there to catch her
Or break her fall.
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