Monday, July 16, 2018

7/16/18



I dreamt that I somehow purchased or rented a luxurious condominium unit in an upscale neighborhood. The living room was tastefully furnished with warm colours and a couple of loud pieces, such as the velvety red carpet underneath the coffee table. There was a lake view with the sunset reflecting its beautiful shade in the water. Next to it was a three-storey villa with wood for walls. Certain sections of that house had floor-to-ceiling windows. Parked in the driveway was a black vehicle. From my vantage point, I couldn’t identify the car make and model, but it looked like it was an Audi. As I gazed out of the window and tried to make my worries disappear, my boyfriend approached from behind and asked whether everything was okay.



In another scene, we visited a particular friend of mine. I was a tad bit apprehensive of this as there was a history between me and him. Well, not exactly a history but somewhere along those lines. Like old times, the friend and I joked around, which left my boyfriend uncomfortable. My boyfriend felt insecure at this conduct and pulled me close before he planted a soft kiss on my cheek. I panicked when he did this because I didn’t want things to become awkward and sandwiching me between them.



A quick search online suggested that my soulmate would arrive from the corner at some point, but I might have to beg to differ on this. As for the make-believe boyfriend in the dream, the online interpretation (www.everydayknow.com/what-does-it-mean-to-dream-about-a-guy-youve-never-met/) exemplified that ‘one of the most common reasons why Mr. Right is an unknown stranger in your dreams is because you don’t actually know who he is in your real life. You may want to have a romantic relationship or a sexual fling in your real life. Since you do not have someone to actually play that role in your waking life, your subconscious had to make someone up for your dream. Your mysterious stranger will most likely be replaced by a real person once you find the right guy in the real world.’ 



At the current time, I haven’t made arrangements to accommodate the entrance of a significant other - even though the subconscious could be craving for it. The boyfriend in the dream does not exist in reality, but he resembled a friend and possessed the aura/characteristics of another. No wonder I felt a slight of twinge of panic. My mind also shouted a familiar name. The name of someone whom I have not spoken to in years. I guess it’s the subconscious wondering about the what if. 




The online dream interpretation - Aunty Flo - suggested that ‘to see a newly built mansion in your dream suggests that you might be moving into a brand new phase of life - or perhaps a fresh outlook in life.’ (credits: https://www.auntyflo.com/dream-dictionary/mansion)



Back when I was younger, I once envisioned myself living in The Glades (Putra Heights) or Sunway Quay. My best bet is that the subconscious desires to live in a place that have the similar aura as these locations and the newly built villa is a reminder that half of my dreams are alive, but not burning brightly. 



As for the sunset, We Know Your Dreams.com opined that ‘dreaming of sunset also means that you are terribly disheartened by something in your waking life and you are looking forward to put an end to it. However, the bad time is not ending and you are in the same pit. You are trying hard to get rid of the major problem that you are into (probably a terrible relationship), but the problem is simply holding on to you.’ (credits: http://weknowyourdreams.com/sunset.html)



Well, there is a certain element of truth here. I am disappointed by something in my waking life and can’t wait for this pathetic chapter to write itself out. Based on what I have experienced and seen so far, I’m afraid that like what the prediction said, there is no end to this. At least for now. No matter what I do, I’m stuck in the murky waters. What’s making it worse to endure is that it’s not the first time I’m feeling this way.

Monday, July 9, 2018

7/9/18

Hugs are exchanged.

Tears are shed. 

Their eyes shine under the bright lights. 

The mood of the place, 

Floats from happiness to sadness.

And from sadness to happiness. 



The airport lounge buzzes with activity, 

Like bees flocking to the honeycomb. 

All travellers, 

Divided by flight class.

All passengers, 

With equality.



Seated in the serene lounge, 

I am alone in the crowd of travellers. 

Like scattered strangers we are,

Yet headed towards the same direction.

Our exhausted eyes, 

Full of understanding.

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Stuck in the shadow

Anger and annoyance are surely thick in the air from the dark side of humanity. It has drained all of the emotional energy and patience I have with everyone around me - or is this the downside of doing law that no one warned me of? Is this the final torture before the light at the end of the tunnel? Where I’d feel so much indescribable pain that I just want to be left alone to wallow in them and seek solace in the darkness?

If it is true, then it makes sense why I’m pushing people away - but it’s about time I prioritize myself first. I know what I’m capable of when I’m pushed into the corner and the last it happened, it sent my friends cowering in fear. It also didn’t help that I dreamt of a religious institution. Although it is not the specific Church that I attend my weekly Masses in, there was a sense of familiarity about it. I’m not sure about the thematic feel, but it sure is indicative of me questioning everything that I once believed in.


Exams and assignments are done for me; I’m not supposed to feel like I am exasperated with everything and everyone around me. I should be relaxed instead.

Oh well, guess I need to ‘make that trip’* and confront whatever is hiding in the dark abyss of my heart. It’s about time that I listen to its demands and either work around it or resolve it.

*I was trying to make the reference to the scene in Yu Yu Hakusho where Yusuke pays his last respect to Raizen before making his return to the human world, but I can’t seem to remember Raizen’s exact words.

Monday, June 25, 2018

6/25/2018

I dreamt that a friend and I visited an acquaintance of mine - or rather, a family friend since he knew my parents. What I didn’t know was that he was a law lecturer until he let the cat out of the bag. Sure, I knew that he taught for a living but only that. When he said that he is teaching DRE but in another university, I asked him to repeat himself because I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

As we walked out of his house, my breath caught in my throat because I was looking at the vast scenery of bluish sky and greenery. It definitely was not your average residence with semi-detached and terrace houses.

The next scene panned to the exact street that I grew up as a child. I panicked as I couldn’t find my Shih Tzu dog and yelled his name at the top of my voice. As it dawned on me that someone might have stolen him, my voice cracked and I ended up burst into tears. As if sensing my fear, a gold Cocker Spaniel emerged from nowhere and crawled her way to me. Her red leash was still intact. I looked left and right but there was no sign of her owner. As I looked deeper into her watery eyes, there was an element of recognition. It was if she knew who I was. She then guided me to an entourage of people throwing a party in a public place. The person who answered my knock on the door was a Singaporean celebrity - I didn’t know his name, but I remembered seeing one of his TV dramas.

Okay, I’m not sure where to start, but I’ll give it a go.

As for the lecturer, it might be the male version of my DRE lecturer. In reality, I just finished the DRE exams and my lecturer for that course is a female. Some elements of that particular scene resonated with me because that’s exactly what she shared with us during our knitting sessions. There is a chance that my subconscious is worried about my exam performance. I’m not worried about a bare pass, but I’m not sure if I’m able to achieve the grade that I need.

As for the Cocker Spaniel, this is where it gets interesting. Even though I have been away from that street for such a long time, I still can remember it at the top of my head. The dog belonged to my good friend, which is a bit ironic that this is the second time I've dreamt of the fur child. I've never officially met her, only through pictures that he uploads on Instagram. A quick check online revealed something unexpected:

1) my inner child has had enough of the chaotic world; and

2) 'alternatively the Spaniel could be symbolizing your alertness. The appearance of a spaniel may mean that you are looking for companionship. You are ready for a relationship.’

(Both interpretations are credited to Spirit Animal Totems.)

Come to think of it, the second possibility might make full sense because I had a similar dream the night before. I was with someone - a male with short, black hair, about my age if not slightly younger - in a Ramadan bazaar, looking for Malay delicacies when he said that he'll pay for my share as well. The only problem? I couldn't see who this guy was. Only his hair and height stood out.

As for me dreaming of that Singaporean celebrity, maybe it is my subconscious admiring a famous person's financial security and focus/emphasis on presenting a good work that reminds the audience of them.

Saturday, June 23, 2018

6/23/2018

I dreamt that I was being driven by someone in a car on a highway - over bridges and a hellish place that I had no intention of returning to. I found myself hiding from the bad guys in a hotel. The first three floors were visible from the ground floor with a window for its ceiling to minimize the use of lights, but as I made my way up, it was no longer exquisite. It was as if the higher I went, the darker the place felt. The top floor was much quieter and dimly lit, leaving a cold, invisible hand on my spine and causing goosebumps all over my skin.

I wanted to find a secluded spot where I could hide from the bad guys and ended up running into a known associate in real life. He asked me for directions to his intended destination and in exchange, he told me of a place in the hotel where I could seek refuge. Yet, I still found myself panicking with a racing heart.

In the next scene, I dreamt that I was in an elevator with an elderly couple who brought me to their apartment in the building adjacent to the hotel. It was a spacious residence and had an open feel to it. The living hall, the kitchen, and the living room did not have dividers to it. It was just a smooth-flowing layout. Their adult daughters were in town for the current moment. It gave me the feeling of being safe but not so safe living with so many people in the place.

There was a small flicker of fire on one of the hotel floors and immediately told my hosts that we should make a run for it. Someone was either playing with firecrackers or trying to start a fire. Before I knew it, the camera panned to the ocean outside the hotel. There were docked yachts at the marina before a sudden explosion. A guy who was sailing with his younger female companion - which I assumed was his daughter - panicked and burst into the hotel lobby, looking for someone familiar. It was an empty hotel when they walked in.

The context of the dream jolted me awake at 6.45 am and I did not like the overall aura it gave me. It wasn’t even the work of the morning chill. It felt as if someone left a cold hand at the base of my spine.

I have a rough idea on what the dream is hinting but because it’s a tad bit too personal to splash in the public sphere, I’m not going to share it online.

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Pleas

Staring back at her was a broken person.
She no longer recognised her reflection in the mirror
Her bright eyes lost its soul, its radiance.
She longed to be released from her mental hell.
The corners of her lips;
It neither turned upwards nor curved downwards.
Her cracked soul searches for longing.
Acceptance in the big, cruel world, it desires.
The sound of her heart cracking
Growing louder with each passing minute.

Her mind is fragile.
Exhausted from the responsibilities on her plate,
Even in her sleep, it continues to taunt her.
Her heart is weary.
She craves the stability of the past,
Not the unknown future.
Her cries for help are all either rejected or ignored.
Struggling to hold everything together,
She silently drowns in her sorrow.
Yet, she knows it's her against the world.

On a free fall, she goes.
Her body is light, devoid of any burden.
Her mind is at ease, the worry gone.
She no longer feels pain.
In fact, she feels nothing at all.
Like a zombie, she is numb.
No offence taken but no delight in anything.
She is just numb, nothing more.
No one will be there to catch her
Or break her fall.

Sunday, June 17, 2018

06/17/18

With all of the assignments and exam now officially done and dusted, it is a relief to take a proper breather and sleep. For hours on end. Or at least until I feel refreshed enough to yank myself out of bed. I don’t know; having a dream about someone whom I’ve lost contact with was enough to throw me off-balance. Furthermore, I dreamt that I lost my teeth and yelled at someone in two separate scenes. I know it shouts a theme of fear and anger. Oh, trust me, when I am angry, I AM ANGRY but it turns inwards and consumes me from the inside. The beauty is that you would never see it on my face.

Although people under my astrological sign are known to be an extroverted person with a bubbly personality, don’t let that appearance fool you. Like the rest of our astrological brothers and sisters, we also have our dark side, which are harder and tougher to decipher. I can only speak for myself on this point because I don’t know if my friends (who are of the same sign) will behave in this manner. Somehow you’ll know when I’m unhappy - it’s like I’m walking under a grey cloud wherever I go or a faded glimmer in my eyes. As for anger, I force it not to leak out into my face because I don’t want to answer questions about it, especially if it is posed by someone who caused me to burn with fury. (At the time of the drafting and publication of this post, I’m at a stage where I’m engulfed with annoyance at everyone around me for their unwillingness to help yet courage to comment about my decisions.)

Would the dream be a sign that my subconscious is finding a way to express its annoyance at the repressed emotions? I wouldn’t be surprised if it is. I mean, look. Just because people think that I am a confident child does not mean that I truly am. You could argue that it’s a facade that I wear in public to keep people at a distance. Even those closest to me don’t even know what my thoughts are.

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

6/13/2018

Once again, sorry for dropping off from the face of the Earth. Be assured that it was by no means intentional - life took control and I found myself on the feet for most of the time. It sure didn’t help that the one and only paper was the first to kickstart the examination period, which meant a lot of balancing act between revisions, the two research essays, and volunteering events.

The pre-SWOTVAC period was hectic, let me tell you that. I have this problem every time my final research essays are due a couple of days before or on the same day as my exams. When I want to revise for the exams, my brain would want to focus on the essays. When I want to focus on the essays, it would plead with me to revise instead. So, yeah, at least it’s a relief that the assignments are now done and dusted - except that there were lots of late nights exacerbated by copious amount of tannin and caffeine. Don’t ask me why; I focus better as the night gets deeper into dusk. I also took some time off social media to retune my mental state of mind because I felt like I was drowning from everything. Us Sagittarians do not like to expose our vulnerability to anyone and would rather take on a tough approach (when we’re probably wanting out).

SWOTVAC made an appearance with the submission of my research essays, which left me feeling relieved and nervous at the prospect of having an exam almost immediately after. I was relieved because it meant that I’ll have a longer break period. Nervous because I don’t exactly do well under pressure and I didn’t know where to start with the revision, but oh well, it has to be done if I want to pass the finish line. It sure didn’t help that my laptop decided to throw tantrums at me by freezing at times when I need it to work the most. The LCD screen is obviously loose (otherwise there won’t be vertical lines appearing on it) yet I refuse to have it repaired or checked because it has not fully died on me yet. I was tempted more than one to throw it against the wall but realized that it has to serve me until the end of my exams next semester (or at least until graduation next year).

Depending on how well my research essays are graded, I might end up publishing one of them (since I think it’s a worthy topic), but we’ll see what happens then.

I’m taking a long break after the exam on Saturday - so don’t expect me to show my face in the blogosphere often. I need the time out to get my priorities straight and clear my head, especially after receiving that piece of news. *sighs*

Saturday, May 19, 2018

It's not right, but it's not wrong either to stay away

Courtesy of the event organizer for one of the volunteering events 
Maybe it’s true, alright.

If I wasn’t sure what I was thinking or whether I was mentally stable back then, the same might be applicable to him. We were both deers lost in the woods, unable to find the exit route and drowning in our own pain and sufferings yet wearing the facade of happiness in front of others.

Now that I’m in a foreign land, I can finally understand from his perspective. We wanted to push people away because we felt that they won’t be able to understand our implications from our eyes. We work so hard to the point of mental exhaustion yet we don’t get what we want.

Maybe it’s my fault, possibly.

I should’ve stayed my distance from the beginning.

If I had played my cards right, we wouldn’t have arrived at such a terrible ending. We could have maintained the little contact that we had and enjoyed the occasional sarcasm and jokes that we threw at each other. Neither one of us would be suffering in silence - you would not be able to trace any form of hurt or pain on this cheery face of mine unless I let it show. Neither one of us would have been each other’s sacrificial lambs. It had to be done if we wanted to move on in search of a better life without remnants of each other floating in the familiar places. You know my favorite haunts; I know yours. If I had played my cards right, I wouldn’t have sacrificed my friendship with you and let myself be guilt-tripped into a web of lies.

It took an acquaintance’s simple question in sophomore year to shake my core inside out: It sounds like you still like him. Why did you deny the obvious? A simple question that left me speechless for that split second because I never imagined the possibility. I only remembered treating him slightly different from the rest of my friends and him pushing me to my wits’ end.

Yet I might’ve subconsciously pushed him to his limit.

That staircase incident marked the freefall in our friendship - nothing that I did would have been enough to mitigate the effects for him and for me.

In hindsight, it all made sense: the teasing, the weird way of showing he cared, the coffee (even though he never remembered the way I like my drink from San Francisco Coffee), and the awkward action of exercising possession on almost all of my belongings. Yet I made the mistake that would lead to the biggest regret of my college life.

They say that time heals all wounds, but I don’t think the emotional scars that we both have will ever be healed. Maybe it will fade into the background with the right person, but it would always be somewhere in the depths of our abyss. Time has given me the luxury of analyzing the situation from his point of view and understand the drastic actions that he took. He made himself scarce in the weeks leading up to our graduation. He kept a distance whenever we were in the same room - he wasn’t his usual self, it was obvious to me. He was the first person I thought of when I realized that I left behind my folder for one of the subjects, but I don’t know what stopped me from texting him for help. Six weeks before the graduation, he gave me the cold shoulder and refused to even bat an eyelid at me. It was as if I was invisible to him. Although we spoke, it was brief and terse. And official.

It’s not that he chose to do it; he wasn’t left with much of a choice. It was either he dragged me down with him or he pushed me away. I guess he chose the latter because it would have made it unbearable to maintain the friendship. He didn’t want to be confronted with the fact that we would never be together.

I chose to leave. I chose to pursue my undergraduate studies abroad (and am now tossing up between staying back for a postgraduate in another field or doing it in my hometown). The college memories threatened to burden my heart with an anchor. I knew if I didn’t leave, I’d be searching the streets for that one familiar face. I know he wants me to be happy and content with the decisions I’ve made and I want the same for him too. Inasmuch as it’d be lovely to connect again, it would serve a contrary purpose. At least for me. Instead of making me relieved, I know that it’ll bring back all of the memories - the good, the bad, and the ugly - the moment I lay my eyes on him as I enter the agreed cafe.

The only way we are able to move on is to forget. Forget us. Forget our friendship. Forget the teases, growls, and fights. Some things are best left as it is. Looking for answers would merely bleed my heart, deeper this time. It took me a full year after college to mentally stabilize myself. I can’t let it derail me again when I’m rather close to the finishing line in a fragile state.

Coffee from a nearby cafe before an appointment with my lecturer
I’m not sure why I only think of him when it is closer towards the dreaded winter season. Maybe she’s right; a part of me loved him once before it found its way to hate for what he had done. I don’t mean hate in its literal interpretation, but more along the lines of leaving all of us out in the cold without an explanation or justification behind his departure. Maybe she’s right; I could’ve been happier if we didn’t push each other away and things would have taken a 360.

You might think that something bad must’ve happened for me to feel more down than I’m used to, but the truth is that it’s the time of the year. Furthermore, my sister and I caught up with the crim friend for a quick round of drinks after our oral presentation (which pretty much explained our not-so-formal-yet-formal-wear). Part of our conversation somehow went into the heart of this matter and how I seem to be surrounded by drama.

Sunday, May 13, 2018

5/13/2018

I dreamt that I brought the sister and another female friend to visit the building that once housed my college. This had been years in the making and they were interested to put a place to the wonderful stories that I have shared. After what seemed like an eternity, we were able to nail down a mutual time to fly in together.

When we walked past the location, there was a competition going on. Students were seated in rows of three. Beside the last person on each row was a bucket full of water. My heart turned sour at this sight because it reminded me of a particular event that was held during my year. Observing from a safe distance was the events management team. I didn’t give them much of a notice because most of the college alumnus knew that the campus was in another place and there was an overhaul of the administrative structure. I found my attention drawn to a particular person who resembled a college mate. We shared most of the classes for my first semester and I remembered him as someone who was sarcastically humorous and sharp-tongued. He looked older than I expected, even though he was younger than me by two years. Something must have had happened in the years that we lost touch.

As we were heading to another destination via a brightly-lit tunnel, I suddenly stopped in my tracks, which caught the sister by surprise. He was ahead of us, reprimanding our female friend. I reckoned that she did not divulge the fact that she knew him - either as a subordinate or colleague - because she felt that it was unnecessary to do so. The sister’s jaw slammed to the floor whereas I merely shook my head when we saw this. His temper hadn’t mellowed down even after all these years. He was still sharp-tongued. He must have felt that someone was looking at him because he suddenly turned in our direction and met our glances. That was when I noticed the full extent of time’s evil hand on him. His hair had a twinge of silver and he had crow’s feet. A sign of the pain and struggles he must have endured to be who he now is. He still had that look in eyes which warned people not to muck around with him. If he recognized me, he did a good job of hiding it. I held his gaze to see what he was going to do next: was he going to continue raining lectures on our female friend or do something else?

In another scene, I dreamt that we were on the move when we received a phone call from someone informing us about a death. We were both surprised because it came out of no blue. It wasn’t as if the person was on his deathbed or something like that. Another person in the queue next to us growled to the person serving him that he needed things to be done soonest possible as he needed to attend a wake service.

We found ourselves in the midst of a busy street when people started running helter-skelter in search of shelter before a loud bang and police sirens. I heard someone cursing as I dashed across the road, suddenly remembering a particular spot that would be safe for us. When the coast was clear, we continued to tour the area in our car. We could not find the exit sign even though the driver’s friend drew a map for her, no matter how hard we tried or how observant we were.

My head swirled with questions when I forced my eyes open after the dream. Certain elements of it did not make sense, especially after 4 - 5 years. I wasn’t quite sure whether it was him that I dreamt of because he did not age well, but it was the glimmer in his eyes and the way he held his gaze that gave his identity away. In essence, he had a resting bitch face and looked like he was angry with the whole world whenever he didn’t smile. He even barely laughed. Knowing the theme of my dreams, I shouldn’t be surprised because I have found myself reliving the college memories in reality and wishing that university life could be as good as that.

Don’t even get me started on the cliques and groups.

And yes, I do want to know whether the chap is living well.

For the scene where we walked past the college, the online dream interpretation suggested that I am about to learn something new or even the fact that I lost/retained friendships/relationships.

For the scene where he was reprimanding someone, I am going to assume that this occurred some ten years into the future. If he kept to his original plans, his job designation in the dream is synonymous with his career plan in real life. It might have also been a manifestation of him airing his frustrations on me in an attempt to get his side of the story out there.

For the second part of the dream, I don’t know where to even start the interpretation, but let’s start with the obvious. The theme of it is definitely death. If I am honest, I actually want to groan because the elective that I am enrolled in - Legal Theory - touches upon death and atrocious sufferings in most of its contents. But this raises the question of what death we are talking about. Is the death of a friendship? A death of someone? Or the death of a personality? I couldn’t remember much about the content, so I’ll assume that it is the latter - where there is a longing for a reinvention.
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