Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Stuck in the shadow

Anger and annoyance are surely thick in the air from the dark side of humanity. It has drained all of the emotional energy and patience I have with everyone around me - or is this the downside of doing law that no one warned me of? Is this the final torture before the light at the end of the tunnel? Where I’d feel so much indescribable pain that I just want to be left alone to wallow in them and seek solace in the darkness?

If it is true, then it makes sense why I’m pushing people away - but it’s about time I prioritize myself first. I know what I’m capable of when I’m pushed into the corner and the last it happened, it sent my friends cowering in fear. It also didn’t help that I dreamt of a religious institution. Although it is not the specific Church that I attend my weekly Masses in, there was a sense of familiarity about it. I’m not sure about the thematic feel, but it sure is indicative of me questioning everything that I once believed in.


Exams and assignments are done for me; I’m not supposed to feel like I am exasperated with everything and everyone around me. I should be relaxed instead.

Oh well, guess I need to ‘make that trip’* and confront whatever is hiding in the dark abyss of my heart. It’s about time that I listen to its demands and either work around it or resolve it.

*I was trying to make the reference to the scene in Yu Yu Hakusho where Yusuke pays his last respect to Raizen before making his return to the human world, but I can’t seem to remember Raizen’s exact words.

Monday, June 25, 2018

6/25/2018

I dreamt that a friend and I visited an acquaintance of mine - or rather, a family friend since he knew my parents. What I didn’t know was that he was a law lecturer until he let the cat out of the bag. Sure, I knew that he taught for a living but only that. When he said that he is teaching DRE but in another university, I asked him to repeat himself because I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

As we walked out of his house, my breath caught in my throat because I was looking at the vast scenery of bluish sky and greenery. It definitely was not your average residence with semi-detached and terrace houses.

The next scene panned to the exact street that I grew up as a child. I panicked as I couldn’t find my Shih Tzu dog and yelled his name at the top of my voice. As it dawned on me that someone might have stolen him, my voice cracked and I ended up burst into tears. As if sensing my fear, a gold Cocker Spaniel emerged from nowhere and crawled her way to me. Her red leash was still intact. I looked left and right but there was no sign of her owner. As I looked deeper into her watery eyes, there was an element of recognition. It was if she knew who I was. She then guided me to an entourage of people throwing a party in a public place. The person who answered my knock on the door was a Singaporean celebrity - I didn’t know his name, but I remembered seeing one of his TV dramas.

Okay, I’m not sure where to start, but I’ll give it a go.

As for the lecturer, it might be the male version of my DRE lecturer. In reality, I just finished the DRE exams and my lecturer for that course is a female. Some elements of that particular scene resonated with me because that’s exactly what she shared with us during our knitting sessions. There is a chance that my subconscious is worried about my exam performance. I’m not worried about a bare pass, but I’m not sure if I’m able to achieve the grade that I need.

As for the Cocker Spaniel, this is where it gets interesting. Even though I have been away from that street for such a long time, I still can remember it at the top of my head. The dog belonged to my good friend, which is a bit ironic that this is the second time I've dreamt of the fur child. I've never officially met her, only through pictures that he uploads on Instagram. A quick check online revealed something unexpected:

1) my inner child has had enough of the chaotic world; and

2) 'alternatively the Spaniel could be symbolizing your alertness. The appearance of a spaniel may mean that you are looking for companionship. You are ready for a relationship.’

(Both interpretations are credited to Spirit Animal Totems.)

Come to think of it, the second possibility might make full sense because I had a similar dream the night before. I was with someone - a male with short, black hair, about my age if not slightly younger - in a Ramadan bazaar, looking for Malay delicacies when he said that he'll pay for my share as well. The only problem? I couldn't see who this guy was. Only his hair and height stood out.

As for me dreaming of that Singaporean celebrity, maybe it is my subconscious admiring a famous person's financial security and focus/emphasis on presenting a good work that reminds the audience of them.

Saturday, June 23, 2018

6/23/2018

I dreamt that I was being driven by someone in a car on a highway - over bridges and a hellish place that I had no intention of returning to. I found myself hiding from the bad guys in a hotel. The first three floors were visible from the ground floor with a window for its ceiling to minimize the use of lights, but as I made my way up, it was no longer exquisite. It was as if the higher I went, the darker the place felt. The top floor was much quieter and dimly lit, leaving a cold, invisible hand on my spine and causing goosebumps all over my skin.

I wanted to find a secluded spot where I could hide from the bad guys and ended up running into a known associate in real life. He asked me for directions to his intended destination and in exchange, he told me of a place in the hotel where I could seek refuge. Yet, I still found myself panicking with a racing heart.

In the next scene, I dreamt that I was in an elevator with an elderly couple who brought me to their apartment in the building adjacent to the hotel. It was a spacious residence and had an open feel to it. The living hall, the kitchen, and the living room did not have dividers to it. It was just a smooth-flowing layout. Their adult daughters were in town for the current moment. It gave me the feeling of being safe but not so safe living with so many people in the place.

There was a small flicker of fire on one of the hotel floors and immediately told my hosts that we should make a run for it. Someone was either playing with firecrackers or trying to start a fire. Before I knew it, the camera panned to the ocean outside the hotel. There were docked yachts at the marina before a sudden explosion. A guy who was sailing with his younger female companion - which I assumed was his daughter - panicked and burst into the hotel lobby, looking for someone familiar. It was an empty hotel when they walked in.

The context of the dream jolted me awake at 6.45 am and I did not like the overall aura it gave me. It wasn’t even the work of the morning chill. It felt as if someone left a cold hand at the base of my spine.

I have a rough idea on what the dream is hinting but because it’s a tad bit too personal to splash in the public sphere, I’m not going to share it online.

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Pleas

Staring back at her was a broken person.
She no longer recognised her reflection in the mirror
Her bright eyes lost its soul, its radiance.
She longed to be released from her mental hell.
The corners of her lips;
It neither turned upwards nor curved downwards.
Her cracked soul searches for longing.
Acceptance in the big, cruel world, it desires.
The sound of her heart cracking
Growing louder with each passing minute.

Her mind is fragile.
Exhausted from the responsibilities on her plate,
Even in her sleep, it continues to taunt her.
Her heart is weary.
She craves the stability of the past,
Not the unknown future.
Her cries for help are all either rejected or ignored.
Struggling to hold everything together,
She silently drowns in her sorrow.
Yet, she knows it's her against the world.

On a free fall, she goes.
Her body is light, devoid of any burden.
Her mind is at ease, the worry gone.
She no longer feels pain.
In fact, she feels nothing at all.
Like a zombie, she is numb.
No offence taken but no delight in anything.
She is just numb, nothing more.
No one will be there to catch her
Or break her fall.

Sunday, June 17, 2018

06/17/18

With all of the assignments and exam now officially done and dusted, it is a relief to take a proper breather and sleep. For hours on end. Or at least until I feel refreshed enough to yank myself out of bed. I don’t know; having a dream about someone whom I’ve lost contact with was enough to throw me off-balance. Furthermore, I dreamt that I lost my teeth and yelled at someone in two separate scenes. I know it shouts a theme of fear and anger. Oh, trust me, when I am angry, I AM ANGRY but it turns inwards and consumes me from the inside. The beauty is that you would never see it on my face.

Although people under my astrological sign are known to be an extroverted person with a bubbly personality, don’t let that appearance fool you. Like the rest of our astrological brothers and sisters, we also have our dark side, which are harder and tougher to decipher. I can only speak for myself on this point because I don’t know if my friends (who are of the same sign) will behave in this manner. Somehow you’ll know when I’m unhappy - it’s like I’m walking under a grey cloud wherever I go or a faded glimmer in my eyes. As for anger, I force it not to leak out into my face because I don’t want to answer questions about it, especially if it is posed by someone who caused me to burn with fury. (At the time of the drafting and publication of this post, I’m at a stage where I’m engulfed with annoyance at everyone around me for their unwillingness to help yet courage to comment about my decisions.)

Would the dream be a sign that my subconscious is finding a way to express its annoyance at the repressed emotions? I wouldn’t be surprised if it is. I mean, look. Just because people think that I am a confident child does not mean that I truly am. You could argue that it’s a facade that I wear in public to keep people at a distance. Even those closest to me don’t even know what my thoughts are.

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

6/13/2018

Once again, sorry for dropping off from the face of the Earth. Be assured that it was by no means intentional - life took control and I found myself on the feet for most of the time. It sure didn’t help that the one and only paper was the first to kickstart the examination period, which meant a lot of balancing act between revisions, the two research essays, and volunteering events.

The pre-SWOTVAC period was hectic, let me tell you that. I have this problem every time my final research essays are due a couple of days before or on the same day as my exams. When I want to revise for the exams, my brain would want to focus on the essays. When I want to focus on the essays, it would plead with me to revise instead. So, yeah, at least it’s a relief that the assignments are now done and dusted - except that there were lots of late nights exacerbated by copious amount of tannin and caffeine. Don’t ask me why; I focus better as the night gets deeper into dusk. I also took some time off social media to retune my mental state of mind because I felt like I was drowning from everything. Us Sagittarians do not like to expose our vulnerability to anyone and would rather take on a tough approach (when we’re probably wanting out).

SWOTVAC made an appearance with the submission of my research essays, which left me feeling relieved and nervous at the prospect of having an exam almost immediately after. I was relieved because it meant that I’ll have a longer break period. Nervous because I don’t exactly do well under pressure and I didn’t know where to start with the revision, but oh well, it has to be done if I want to pass the finish line. It sure didn’t help that my laptop decided to throw tantrums at me by freezing at times when I need it to work the most. The LCD screen is obviously loose (otherwise there won’t be vertical lines appearing on it) yet I refuse to have it repaired or checked because it has not fully died on me yet. I was tempted more than one to throw it against the wall but realized that it has to serve me until the end of my exams next semester (or at least until graduation next year).

Depending on how well my research essays are graded, I might end up publishing one of them (since I think it’s a worthy topic), but we’ll see what happens then.

I’m taking a long break after the exam on Saturday - so don’t expect me to show my face in the blogosphere often. I need the time out to get my priorities straight and clear my head, especially after receiving that piece of news. *sighs*
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