I dreamt that I was in a government department to run errands. The space was small and packed with visitors. At the front of the room were cubicles manned by the staff and cordoned off with glass windows as a safety precaution. There were rows of seats for visitors to rest their legs while waiting for their numbers to be called, but some of them resorted to waiting at the corridor. Towards the side were built-in tables and shelves for people to fill in the forms at the last minute according to the department’s guideline. By the time I was there, we could barely move as we were squashed to each other. However, I wasn’t supposed to gain access in my own right and did it undercover as an office cleaner. As the department was located in a building in the city centre with lots of traffic, it was easier for Papa Carrie to pave the way for me to enter. When someone eventually discovered my identity, I rushed to the toilet stall to quickly plan an escape route without being caught.
In another scene, I rode the elevator down to the ground floor with kids in tow. I kept advising them to behave themselves instead of running around in a cramped space as well as jumping up and down. When the elevator doors opened, the kids rushed out into the wide space and disappeared into the distance. Me being the outsider that I was, I surveyed the open area and made my way to the intended place, joining the queue at the bus station while waiting for the bus ride home. I finally saw my housemate across the street and decided to tag a ride home with him since I was still unfamiliar with the bus routes. We explored the area that we were in and it wasn’t until sunset that we came to a consensus that we should head home.
So, let’s begin the dream interpretation.
For the first part of the dream, the place reminded me of the passport department with the long queue and the safety windows. Personally speaking, I reckon that the packed area could constitute the way I’m feeling about the current situation. A quick search online revealed that ‘Dreaming of being part of a crowd can indicate that some times we do not wish to stand out, or that on occasion we do not have a personal sense of direction in regards to how we should accomplish our achievements in the future – in regards to others.’ Based on the sentence alone, it is possible that I’m in a dilemma on what to do with my personal life. I’m not in the same chapter as my friends; they are already way ahead of me. And I prefer to stay behind the scenes without anyone discovering that I’m secretly envious of everything.
For the second part of the dream, hands on, for a moment I figured that I was visiting Japan because of the hiragana and kanji words on the signage. Since there were minors around, I’m going to assume that I might be working in Tokyo as a babysitter. *shrugs* Or on another spectrum, it denotes my longing to be away from this mess and everything that’s weighing me down.
Sunday, March 29, 2020
Wednesday, March 25, 2020
My Sincere Thoughts
First and foremost, since there is a restriction movement order to prevent the spike in Covid-19 (also known as the Coronavirus) cases, the citizenry is required to exercise their individual part by staying at home and avoiding all forms of social contact (yes, the yum cha sessions and outdoor exercises are included) unless you need to see the doctor, run financial errands, and grab food to stay alive. It’s perplexing to note that people are treating the severity of this virus with a lackadaisical approach - and still hanging out at public places.
Like, dudeee, lives are at stake here. =/
I only wish that folks would learn to listen and adhere to the Health Department as obedient children and stay indoors. Enough with the ‘I’m old and about to leave at any given minute, so let me do what I want’ attitude. This mindset would be the one that trips all of us up, causing the extension of the order to be beyond the fortnight period.
Like seriously, all of us want to return to work, man.
For someone who loves working, being stuck indoors with nothing to do can be a challenge. Even though I lean towards introversion, I’m only most comfortable at home if I’m allowed to remain in my room with access to the Internet and a bear as an accompaniment, only coming out at meal times to satiate the hunger. Technically, the order should work in my favor because it means that I won’t have to do anything but sleep all day long and allow the emotions to recuperate. It unfortunately won’t at this testing time. In fact, nothing will be in my favor in the near future. Work helps me to hide my feelings and provides me with something else to focus on.
For someone who doesn’t love working, being stuck indoors is the best thing that one can ask for. I’m able to take this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pay off the sleep debt and finally have a good night’s sleep with the emphasis on my emotional health. Sad to say, that’s just me being positive. The fear will always be there, waiting to make its presence known at any given moment.
It’s always during these times when I wish that I’m in another country, away from the pandemic-related apprehension. It’s terrible for the mental health to be continuously exposed to negative news and the rising number of cases.
On another topic, I finally forced myself to have lunch outdoors away from my work and came to the realization that I need fresh air if I wanted to avoid the sensation of passing out in the office. I’ve a tendency of packing my own lunch to work in an attempt to stretch the dollar, but it leaves me woozy because I’m still seeing the same scenery and breathing the same air as in the morning. Yet I chose the wrong day to dine in at the restaurant of choice.
Surrounding me were laughter and reminiscence of something that I desperately want to suppress: a sense of belonging. Ever since university, I lost that sense of belonging and footing that I had in the years leading up to college graduation. I was heavily reminded of the time when my friends and I used to loiter at the nearby cafe during our mutual free periods. It was a once in a blue moon thing because getting everyone to be there at the same time proved to be difficult. This didn’t stretch into uni because we were all scattered in different geographical areas and experiencing varying changes in our lives.
So, yes, you could say that I’m one of the few who’s able to dine alone. You might call it boring. I call it bringing myself on a date and having a pause from the earthly anxiety.
Like, dudeee, lives are at stake here. =/
I only wish that folks would learn to listen and adhere to the Health Department as obedient children and stay indoors. Enough with the ‘I’m old and about to leave at any given minute, so let me do what I want’ attitude. This mindset would be the one that trips all of us up, causing the extension of the order to be beyond the fortnight period.
Like seriously, all of us want to return to work, man.
For someone who loves working, being stuck indoors with nothing to do can be a challenge. Even though I lean towards introversion, I’m only most comfortable at home if I’m allowed to remain in my room with access to the Internet and a bear as an accompaniment, only coming out at meal times to satiate the hunger. Technically, the order should work in my favor because it means that I won’t have to do anything but sleep all day long and allow the emotions to recuperate. It unfortunately won’t at this testing time. In fact, nothing will be in my favor in the near future. Work helps me to hide my feelings and provides me with something else to focus on.
For someone who doesn’t love working, being stuck indoors is the best thing that one can ask for. I’m able to take this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pay off the sleep debt and finally have a good night’s sleep with the emphasis on my emotional health. Sad to say, that’s just me being positive. The fear will always be there, waiting to make its presence known at any given moment.
It’s always during these times when I wish that I’m in another country, away from the pandemic-related apprehension. It’s terrible for the mental health to be continuously exposed to negative news and the rising number of cases.
 |
| Chicago Cheesecake and Latte at my favourite coffeehouse |
Surrounding me were laughter and reminiscence of something that I desperately want to suppress: a sense of belonging. Ever since university, I lost that sense of belonging and footing that I had in the years leading up to college graduation. I was heavily reminded of the time when my friends and I used to loiter at the nearby cafe during our mutual free periods. It was a once in a blue moon thing because getting everyone to be there at the same time proved to be difficult. This didn’t stretch into uni because we were all scattered in different geographical areas and experiencing varying changes in our lives.
So, yes, you could say that I’m one of the few who’s able to dine alone. You might call it boring. I call it bringing myself on a date and having a pause from the earthly anxiety.
Saturday, March 21, 2020
Maybe I'm on my own
A lot of dark thoughts swirl in my mind, searching for an escape route that will draw everything to a close.
Somehow no one would comprehend what I’m thinking since words will never betray my thoughts - unless there’s someone who cares to dive deep into the way I express myself and interpret my verbal and subconscious language. It’s still not a guaranteed thing because I’m terrified of anyone being able to read into me. I presume it’s a result of being thrown into the deep end as an international student in Adelaide, but then again, most of us have lived a life as an international once and emerged from it with varying effects of exposure.
There are some experiences that I’d not hesitate to exchange or erase if I’m able to return to the past. I’m sure we all do, now that we’re older and around for a longer time. I’m not saying that I was a loner back then, but I wasn’t gregarious either. For the average international, it’s arduous to search for your bearing and a support system in a foreign land. The ramifications were amplified for me due to certain events in my life. It wasn’t until my penultimate year that I felt comfortable spending extra hours outdoors. It basically went like this: when I was on campus after classes, I wanted to head home but when I was home, I wanted to explore the nearby cafes and where I won’t run into anyone. I was also forced to rely on the tree bark for persistence towards the end of my final years so much that it bled all of my confidence and ability to reach out for help as well. My brain came to the unhealthy conclusion that I’m better off relying on myself for everything.
As one of my closest friends reminded me, there are times when I need to risk it by coming clean with someone trustworthy. I understand that negative emotions, when silenced and suppressed, are a silent killer, but how am I to reach out about my feelings when I’m not sure who to trust or who’d be kind to lend a listening ear? If I’m being candor, it opened my eyes to the hidden aspects of life where people work on spectrums of this and that. An example where they are friendly but unhelpful to the point of being rude. Plainly said, it altered my perception of everything and shattered my hopes with trust and confidence at a sorrowful level.
Somehow no one would comprehend what I’m thinking since words will never betray my thoughts - unless there’s someone who cares to dive deep into the way I express myself and interpret my verbal and subconscious language. It’s still not a guaranteed thing because I’m terrified of anyone being able to read into me. I presume it’s a result of being thrown into the deep end as an international student in Adelaide, but then again, most of us have lived a life as an international once and emerged from it with varying effects of exposure.
There are some experiences that I’d not hesitate to exchange or erase if I’m able to return to the past. I’m sure we all do, now that we’re older and around for a longer time. I’m not saying that I was a loner back then, but I wasn’t gregarious either. For the average international, it’s arduous to search for your bearing and a support system in a foreign land. The ramifications were amplified for me due to certain events in my life. It wasn’t until my penultimate year that I felt comfortable spending extra hours outdoors. It basically went like this: when I was on campus after classes, I wanted to head home but when I was home, I wanted to explore the nearby cafes and where I won’t run into anyone. I was also forced to rely on the tree bark for persistence towards the end of my final years so much that it bled all of my confidence and ability to reach out for help as well. My brain came to the unhealthy conclusion that I’m better off relying on myself for everything.
“There are times when you need to reach out to someone for help. It’s not healthy to continuously suppress your emotions. It’d destroy you from the inside, piece by piece.”
As one of my closest friends reminded me, there are times when I need to risk it by coming clean with someone trustworthy. I understand that negative emotions, when silenced and suppressed, are a silent killer, but how am I to reach out about my feelings when I’m not sure who to trust or who’d be kind to lend a listening ear? If I’m being candor, it opened my eyes to the hidden aspects of life where people work on spectrums of this and that. An example where they are friendly but unhelpful to the point of being rude. Plainly said, it altered my perception of everything and shattered my hopes with trust and confidence at a sorrowful level.
Saturday, March 14, 2020
03/14/2020
Surrounded by the floating laughter,
A sign of happy lives around her,
Her eyes are devoid of any exuberance
And portray nothing.
Yet her heart absorbs her emotional weight.
Staring into the distance,
Her happier memories flash before her.
Those days when her shoulders were lighter.
Those days when her lips were curved upwards.
Those days when she was as free as a bird.
Their hooting, a music to their ears
But an invisible knife stabbing her heart.
A vicious reminiscence of what she once had and lost.
The precursor to her emotional numbness.
The forerunner to everything now.
Friday, March 13, 2020
A Short Update
I did it.
I forced myself to take a day off in the hope that I’ll have enough energy to sail through the paperwork that lay before me. It didn’t work out in that fashion, unfortunately. It instead solidified a couple of things that I didn’t want to admit: I’m in dire need of sleep, my health has taken a beating, and I’m still emotionally trashy. Yet I’m doing all that I can to suppress it - although it’s bubbling at the surface. Any words that my brain interprets as a personal attack would result in me zoning out and avoiding everyone or snapping like a stressed animal.
Returning to the workplace was rather hectic. All of the files came through at one go when I was away, so basically 75% of the day was spent clearing the backlog with the rest to be continued at another day. And when I’m busy with work, I tend to neglect my meals until my stomach produces the ever-painful hydrochloric acid (read: the precursor to gastric). I don’t know; I never have much appetite to grab lunch (and have chosen to settle for muesli with milk and frozen yoghurt at times). Somehow I can’t find it in me to use that mere hour for a change of environment as I prefer to use it for non-digital errands. *shrugs*
Plainly said, I have to remain busy or run the risk of having my mind overthink crap during the working hours. I guess it’s obvious that I’m using work to suppress my emotions - or at least to avoid managing it. *shrugs again*
Now that I’m in this ruthole, there’s not much that I’ll allow myself to look forward to. I mean, between work and personal life, there’s nothing else because what’s the point of doing so when I’m hesitant about everything? Even if someone assures me that there will be light at the end of the tunnel, I wouldn’t believe their words or even be convinced by it at all. That’s just how emotionally bad things are. Or maybe my studies have taught me to emphasize more on the evidential and tangible things. If I say nothing, no one would know by judging from the way I speak and move about.
To the average stranger, I strike them as someone who isn’t dealing with much. You see, I’m feigning a sense of normalcy, if not to provide me with some respite but also temporary stability. It has been reflected in the recent dreams that I had: common themes of dark, quiet areas and being abandoned. The only one that I can remember from all of it is vague, save for the scenes of me arriving at my destination via a small yet crowded walkway and office cubicles with glass doors.
It’s been slightly more than 7 months since I’ve landed in this job position. Truth be told, time flies extremely fast, especially when you are unaware of it. Inasmuch as it is stressful, it’s a learning experience as well. As an eventual first home buyer, I’m picking up tips and tricks that I can use for myself when the time arrives. Who knows I’ll draft up a list for first home buyers - with my personal experience included - to avoid the common mistakes when purchasing a property? That’ll be something to look forward to. And while we’re at it, maybe a post about surviving in the workplace. (Stay tuned for future updates on this.)
I’m penning this at close to midnight on a weekday, so you’ll have to pardon me if some sentences do not sound grammatically correct.
I forced myself to take a day off in the hope that I’ll have enough energy to sail through the paperwork that lay before me. It didn’t work out in that fashion, unfortunately. It instead solidified a couple of things that I didn’t want to admit: I’m in dire need of sleep, my health has taken a beating, and I’m still emotionally trashy. Yet I’m doing all that I can to suppress it - although it’s bubbling at the surface. Any words that my brain interprets as a personal attack would result in me zoning out and avoiding everyone or snapping like a stressed animal.
Returning to the workplace was rather hectic. All of the files came through at one go when I was away, so basically 75% of the day was spent clearing the backlog with the rest to be continued at another day. And when I’m busy with work, I tend to neglect my meals until my stomach produces the ever-painful hydrochloric acid (read: the precursor to gastric). I don’t know; I never have much appetite to grab lunch (and have chosen to settle for muesli with milk and frozen yoghurt at times). Somehow I can’t find it in me to use that mere hour for a change of environment as I prefer to use it for non-digital errands. *shrugs*
Plainly said, I have to remain busy or run the risk of having my mind overthink crap during the working hours. I guess it’s obvious that I’m using work to suppress my emotions - or at least to avoid managing it. *shrugs again*
Now that I’m in this ruthole, there’s not much that I’ll allow myself to look forward to. I mean, between work and personal life, there’s nothing else because what’s the point of doing so when I’m hesitant about everything? Even if someone assures me that there will be light at the end of the tunnel, I wouldn’t believe their words or even be convinced by it at all. That’s just how emotionally bad things are. Or maybe my studies have taught me to emphasize more on the evidential and tangible things. If I say nothing, no one would know by judging from the way I speak and move about.
To the average stranger, I strike them as someone who isn’t dealing with much. You see, I’m feigning a sense of normalcy, if not to provide me with some respite but also temporary stability. It has been reflected in the recent dreams that I had: common themes of dark, quiet areas and being abandoned. The only one that I can remember from all of it is vague, save for the scenes of me arriving at my destination via a small yet crowded walkway and office cubicles with glass doors.
It’s been slightly more than 7 months since I’ve landed in this job position. Truth be told, time flies extremely fast, especially when you are unaware of it. Inasmuch as it is stressful, it’s a learning experience as well. As an eventual first home buyer, I’m picking up tips and tricks that I can use for myself when the time arrives. Who knows I’ll draft up a list for first home buyers - with my personal experience included - to avoid the common mistakes when purchasing a property? That’ll be something to look forward to. And while we’re at it, maybe a post about surviving in the workplace. (Stay tuned for future updates on this.)
I’m penning this at close to midnight on a weekday, so you’ll have to pardon me if some sentences do not sound grammatically correct.
Wednesday, March 11, 2020
Thursday, March 5, 2020
I'm Leaving
Trapped in the confined space,
Her eyes are glazed over.
Fighting a battle against sleep,
Alone in her final hours.
Droplets of warm liquid surround her,
Swimming down her face.
Her brain registers it as blood.
Panic fills her veins.
Bleeding out from her wounds,
Her vision, blurred between reality and make-believe.
Her willpower, drained from her bones.
Her determination now melted into a puddle.
Surrounding her is bright white lights,
Devoid of any walls.
Her soul, weighing lighter than a feather.
Her heart, no longer stone heavy.
Monday, March 2, 2020
03/03/2020
Credit to Public Domain Pictures.net for the image
Ones that I don’t speak of.
Running away from those demons,
Ones that cast a shadow above me.
Fleeing from the strangling hands of pain,
The fear dances in my eyes.
A film of sweat coat my palms.
Thuds of heartbeat in my ears.
Hugging my knees close to my chest,
Tears swim down my cheeks.
Reminiscence fills the air,
Taunting my weakened heart.
A part of me wants to release the rope of life.
I don’t want to fight anymore.
I want to let go and leave,
To a place with everlasting serenity.
My hands are bleeding from holding on.
My bones are drained of all motivation.
Dark thoughts penetrate my brain,
Killing the light.
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