Saturday, March 31, 2018

3/31/2018

Once again, sorry for the absence in posting.

The first half of the semester has been insane - between the volunteering activities and the assignments, there wasn’t much time for me to stop and take a breather. You’d find this odd; I’m not complaining that I have a busy schedule. In fact, I appreciate it because it means that I’m able to take my mind off things that I shouldn’t be thinking about. I know that I can’t exactly justify such a long period of absence from the blog, but life happens - and it tends to take priority at times.

In hindsight, I think only a deranged student would actually volunteer to complete her presentations for two equally difficult electives in the same week when she has another assignment due in the same week. Well, my dear readers, I was that student. I’m still not sure what led me to do what I did, but boy, was it stressful. It physically drained me to the point where I either looked like a character from ‘The Walking Dead’ or a panda with black eye rings for makeup.

The mid-semester break couldn’t have arrived at a better time - although it still involved two research proposals and one short assessment, at least I’m able to spare some time for myself in lieu of the lectures and tutorials.

I know that I should be relieved that I am done with everything at the end of the year, but I am not feeling any form of excitement or relief. Instead, I want to throw in the towel and move to a place where I don’t know anyone and not be known to the residents around me. I know that this is a bad sign because the last time that this happened, it almost yanked me down the path of a dark abyss. Now, I’m not sure if I’m able to find a reason warranting me to stay in the light. Life is full of obstacles that only I am able to break through it, but there are times when I would love for someone to comfort me and give me the strength. Yet, I don’t want that to happen because (a) it’s impossible and (b) I should not rely on anyone to help me fight my inner demons.

I know that the dream that I had about visiting a family-operated Japanese restaurant means that I want the stability of my childhood since my focus is in tatters. I crave for that moment in time when there was no mess to deal with. The other dream about me running away from someone with my coursemate can be interpreted as my subconscious desire to drop everything and find myself again. There are things that I’m suppressing as a result of my choice not to speak of them publicly. It is only when I am in the safety of the four walls that I let everything out.

I just hope that I don’t fall within the cracks before graduation.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Let me sink deeper

The semester did not have a good start to it. I’ll be honest on that.

I found myself leaning closer towards the edge and slowly descending into a state of nothingness. I was turning into someone I am not. This was not the result of a busy schedule, but rather, the unresolved angst towards the circumstances that landed me in this sticky mess in the first place. I read somewhere that this discomfort is preparing for me to scale greater heights - but the problem is I am tired of living with the pain, especially if it is not something that can be easily treated.

Only God, if he is watching, knows my truest emotions with regards to this.

If I didn’t sacrifice everything (or at least half my heart and half of a stable life) to pursue my degree here, I’m confident that things will be different. I wouldn’t have had to choose between the LLB and the BA. I also wouldn’t have to force myself to decide between Australia, Canada, New Zealand, and Malaysia. In fact, I’d most probably be enrolled in the same campus as my college friends and the transition wouldn’t be as painful and lonely as it was. It would have been easier because it was a familiar territory. In hindsight, it was a battle to maintain a smiling face when all I felt was unhappiness. It was an even greater battle not to lose my sanity while I tried to find my place in a chaotic shark tank. I used to think that I was a confident child in Taylor’s, but the environment frightened me into seeking solace in the background. I have always felt sorry for the international students in college. Although they did not say anything about this, I knew that they needed to work harder than us as they had to accustomize themselves with a foreign land. On top of that, they were susceptible to more problems than us. Yet, I can’t feel the same among the peers - or am I emotionally hardened by the power imbalance to the point where I have missed all of the signs?

Or am I ready to throw in the towel and walk away?



Looking back, I find myself questioning whether it was a good option to study abroad. The crazily high exchange rate between the Malaysian Ringgit and the Australian Dollar is just one aspect of it. If I remained in Taylor’s Lakeside, I’d have saved a lot of tuition fees and time. Trust me, the amount of money spent for a three-year degree from a local university differs in comparison to one from a foreign university - and this all boils down to the exchange rate. I know that I wouldn’t have met the friends whom I have today if I didn’t study abroad, but the truth cannot be denied. I feel that everything is stacked against me and weighing me down like an anchor. I gave up almost everything, only to start afresh again. It is something that I don’t think you, my readers, would understand the emotional impact unless you have lived in my shoes or seen life through my eyes. The beauty is that I already knew that this was coming beforehand. *shakes head*

I understand that if I hadn’t made the decisions that I did, I wouldn’t have the two furry friends who are good body language readers. If you read my blog long enough, you’d immediately know the identities of the folks I’m referring to. There were many occasions when I was upset with something and either one of them would try their best to turn my frown into a smile - or at least attempt to make me forget that I was upset, even if momentarily.

Sure, my impending departure may test the friendships that I have with them. In fact, it might even strain it to its breaking point and we won’t be as close as we are now. That’s a given, seeing that distance combined with time has that deadly effect. Mitigation would require us to carry our weight and put as much effort as each other into maintaining the bond that we have.

Saturday, March 10, 2018

3/11/2018

I dreamt that we were hanging out in the lecturer’s office after a long day on campus. Her client arrived terribly early for her appointment with the lecturer, which left two of us - the students - looking at each other in confusion. We understood that the lecturer juggled a second career as a practitioner, but we didn’t expect her to have an appointment after business hours. The client entered the space and handed us the keys to her place. She asked us to make ourselves comfortable with the access to food and drink there, but the lecturer wanted us to stay back and observe the dispute as a case study. The client refused to give her consent because the mediation will broach on sensitive issues that she didn’t want us to know about.

We took our cue to leave when the other party arrived at the office with a charcoal face and told the lecturer that we would be back end of COB. While we killed the time, we found ourselves participating - or rather, observing - a street protest before we made our way to the eatery housed in a temple.

I highly doubt that the dream meant anything - except to hint that I need timeout before I cave under the pressures of what it is that I’m experiencing now.

Friday, March 2, 2018

2/28/2018

You’d be surprised to read about this.

Throughout the weeks since my return to the start of semester 1, I loaded up on the hours from the volunteering activities and stayed back late on campus a couple of times. It allowed me an escape from the remainder of a boring holiday while doing something good. I prefer 6 weeks of break. Anything longer than that, I’ll be itching to keep myself busy to prevent myself from being in a rut. Although I was tired from the O’Week-related volunteering activities, I forced myself to attend the first week of lectures (which turned out to be only one for the core course as the rest were electives) because … why not? If I don’t get into the study zone soonest possible, I’d be slacking until the commencement of the tutorials.

Leftover πουργούρι (romanized as pourgourri) with further additions

I continued to volunteer for both Student Life and the Union amidst the added pressure of academic success and the graduate/clerkship programs. You could say that I am biting off more than I can chew, but I craved for something that will leave me on the go for ¾ of the time and improve on time management skills. I’d rather be on the move than to spend my free time on social media. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t hate social media. In fact, I appreciate the convenience of maintaining contact with friends through that method. It’s just that those time spent online could be diverted to better use, such as more revisions, volunteering, or even job hunting. For certain events, it forced me to dig deep for the experiences garnered in CPU to help me along. It also sharpened my interpersonal skills and … continued to prepare me for the hustle and bustle of the real world, so to speak.

As for the tutorials, DRE was okay. I mean, what could I have expected from the second week of classes? We had arranged to be in a team for the group work later in the semester, so fingers crossed that it will spare us from unnecessary and avoidable issues when the assignment arrives. I was initially surprised when the ADR lecturer mentioned that the skills we picked up from that course will be beneficial for DRE, but I guess she was right. Now that I have given a quick look at the course structure, it will definitely come in handy for certain elements of the course.

Understanding Climate Change as a whole was a tad bit difficult than I expected because it encompasses a lot more. I guess I knew what I signed up for after I spoke to the folks who did it last year and wanted to challenge myself. I mean, Climate Change will be an issue that affects us all - look at the weather around us. For the half of January 2018, Klang Valley was shrouded with a spring’s touch of cool air. Mind you, this has never occurred before. The assignments didn’t bother me as much as it did for other students as it had the same structure as one of my other electives last year. I cringed for a minute when I had a look at the list of enrolled students. While I already knew that two of my friends were in the course, I wasn’t counting on seeing some familiar names from Corporate, DRE, and Legal Theory. Now, although I warned the good friend when we met up during the Fringe Parade that there would be a surprise headed his way, he never expected that it would be me joining him in this course. He jumped for joy when he discovered the surprise.

I also had another friend - but from Criminal Law and Canadian Law days - who were with us in Climate Change. He was more excited than me for this course because he felt that it was wider in scope. When we ran into each other on the first day of lectures, we grinned at each other expectantly because we already knew what was coming.

So, I guess I’m relieved that I swapped from my previous elective to Climate Change for now. I won’t know if I’ll regret my decision in time to come, but we’ll see.

The not-so-Japanese potato salad

Ah, Legal Theory. The course that I couldn’t enroll in sophomore year because I swapped Criminal Law with my non-law electives. I wasn’t exactly ready to be challenged by the course although I was aware and studied elements of the Nuremberg Trials in Canadian and International Law. Heck, we did a presentation on how Kristallnacht (known as Crystal Night in English) was the precursor to the Holocaust and how it eventually led to the ICC’s prosecution of the Nazi officials in the trials. The link that I attached would help you understand what Kristallnacht is about.

At least I wasn’t going in with zero knowledge of the Eichmann trial. I wasn’t expecting to see many students because this course is not as popular and hinges towards a mixture of philosophy and history. As what we Mandarin-speakers would say, 这本科比较冷门. It was good because it allowed us to spread out in the class instead of being squashed to each other, though. I felt myself questioning on whether I wanted to fulfill the required attendance (that will be the break between a pass or a credit grade) due to a couple of reasons. Class discussions never bothered me since Taylor’s, but I didn’t want to embarrass myself by saying the wrong thing and be snatched of the opportunity to do so by my peers in the smaller discussion. Trust me, there are times when that has occurred in the other elective to the point where my lecturer was like, you should have interrupted the person because what you said is of substance and worthy of a class contribution. The introvert in me doesn’t fancy it because it forces me to approach other students who are strangers to me. I can’t gauge if they would welcome my input or totally ignore it. But since there is no exam component, I think I can swallow my discomfort with a pinch of salt.

Seeing that some of us had arrived earlier, we sneaked into the classroom and took our separate seats while waiting for the lecturer to arrive. Although I heard the doors being opened and closed by the rest of the students, I couldn’t be bothered to shoot a glance as I was exhausted from the workshop that I attended the previous evening. I had looked up once to double-check if it was the lecturer because the timing seemed right, only to find myself looking at someone I never expected to see in Legal Theory.
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