09/30/18

And so, how should I phrase this?

After seeing and experiencing the darker side of reality for the past 10 months, it has turned me into a cynical child. Surprise, surprise. It’s challenged my understanding and perception of friendship and religion. Since the latter is a sensitive topic for most if not all, I shall leave it out of the post. As for the former, let’s just say that I already had a fair warning for it.

I guess the tables will be turned rather soon. For someone who’s now more negative-minded and seeking solace in the darkness, it wouldn’t be long before the effects will write themselves on my facial expressions, especially the anger. Anger has filled my veins with such pace that it turns my face beet red. When I know that I have to face people, I wear a mask to ensure that no one knows my truest thoughts. It didn’t help that my degree has exposed me to topics and sights I never thought I’d see either - even those outdoor adventures haven’t helped to soothe the growing annoyance within me. It is only when I’m alone within the four walls that I will remove the mask and allow those feelings to bubble to the surface. It’s better that way; I don’t want anyone to ask if I’m okay because my feelings are for me alone to deal with and I’m tired of wondering whether the person has asked out of a genuine concern or out of pity.

I dreamt that there was no driver in the car that we rode in - it drove itself. While I was seated in the front passenger seat, the three female friends were at the back. We were pretty much talking to each other en-route to our final destination when our car suddenly stopped in the middle of the road. This impact lunged us forward before I felt a stronger impact at the back. When I turned my head to see, the three fellows were severely injured. The back of the car obviously caved in closer to the front portion. One of them was barely conscious and heard me, but couldn’t respond to my words.

And the rest I can’t remember.

I read online some time ago that car accidents are usually indicative of an inner turmoil or a clash of beliefs between myself and someone close to me.

All that’s on my mind now is to complete the rest of my academic journey without complications (read: anxiety attacks and full-blown emotional breakdown) and take a six-week break away from social media accounts and humans to chill out.

09/29/18

I stumbled upon this video on YouTube at their recommendation since I was watching another video by the same uploader. It basically describes the situation that I am in - spending more time alone than with people. I’m someone who's in the middle of the spectrum; too much time alone will make me comfortable in the silence whereas too little time alone will make me jumpy. There were bits and pieces that I related to, especially the eating part. It reminded me of how I snuck out of campus in second semester to have a date with myself during the Period 4 break from time to time, only to be harassed with text messages and phone calls. Could never understood people’s penchant with calls.

In the last 10 months, I’ve seen things that have rendered me colder than ice, which warrants spending more and more time alone. In fact, staying indoors for 3 - 4 days isn't surprising anymore. If I don't have obligations, I can spend as many days as possible alone to let the anger and annoyance dissipate.

09/27/18

And so, it was after weeks of arrangement and a sudden clash of schedules that we were able to hang out - me and the good friend. I brought him to a place that I figured would compliment his palate since he’s a fan of Asian cuisine instead of one of our usual joints.

We managed to find a seat even though the place was packed with starving lunch hour diners. I killed two birds with one stone and handed his gift bag to him while waiting for our meals to be delivered. It contained both his birthday and farewell presents (he’s not going anywhere; I am). As expected, it was accompanied by a handwritten letter that was separately given. I should’ve seen it coming the moment the conversation fell into silence and the impact that it had on him. I zoned out, allowing him the moment to have a cursory glance of the letter or read the content. He was quieter than usual as he folded the letter along its creases. It wasn’t until our gazes met that alarm bells rang in my head - he’s never behaved in this manner in the course of our friendship, which left a cold hand on my spine because I didn’t know what to do.

I did the only thing that I thought of. That one innocent gesture that earned me awkwardness and a piercing stares from someone when I was at the receiving end. I comforted him with a side hug twice; seeing him in this state left me with a sour feeling as he’s been a good friend to me in our law school journey. To change the mood of the conversation, we talked about safe topics - one which I knew he has a voracious interest in.

It was a good hangout, alright. As we spent the lunch hour together, his mood slowly but surely recovered. I don’t know if it was me, but I thought I detected a wave of exhaustion in his eyes - like he wanted to throw in the towel. We managed to update each other with the current twists and turns of our lives, careful to omit some content on our parts.

I’m breaking out in cold sweat even as I think about what would happen when those two really keep to their word and see me off at the airport. In my years of solo travel, I never fancied friends to bid their adieus at the airport - for the fear of tearing our eyes out. Flying with red, swollen eyes ain’t fun because of the pressure and dehydration.

A week later, my criminal law friend and I met up for lunch at the same time for an overdue catch up. The last we properly caught up was sometime last semester, lol. There was an exchange of gift - and I know I ruined the surprise for him when I told him the content of it, but I figured it was the best, especially if he intended to bring it back to his home country. Transporting glasses are already a pain in the neck - what more alcohol? My breath caught in my throat when he handed mine - two of them, actually. I hadn’t expected him to make an effort to get a birthday/farewell gift for me. Not many friends know me that well to buy presents because they didn’t want to risk getting the wrong item. Furthermore, I’m comfortable with gifting friends for birthdays and farewells because I have a mental list of safe items for each person. It would have cost him quite a bit to purchase them (because as far as I could tell, they weren’t bought in Adelaide).

At least meeting up with them took the edge off from a stressful semester. Keeping appearances when you are in the sour mood ain't fun, but that was how I was for 3/4 of the semester.

9/22/18

I dreamt that there was a police roadblock at the exit spilling into the Federal Highway. It was a quiet, muggy night with cars using that particular route. I initially thought that the police officer flagged me down, so I prepared to stop my car and hand both my driver’s license and identity card to him. He, however, gestured me to drive off, indicating that it was another person that he had an interest in.

The camera then panned to the next scene, where I found myself walking alone on that road. It was just me at 3 in the morning. The street lights were a dim orange. I don’t know why, but there was a sense of peace mixed with fear.

The next scene involved a drone view of a small town, which resembled that little village place I visited en-route to Golden Palm Tree. It gave me an advantage because I had an aerial view of the place including the traffic lights and that row of shops. Up ahead was a jungle of some kind and next to it was a graveyard.

Well… because I only remembered snippets of the dreams instead of the actual narrative, it is hard for me to interpret its meaning.

09/17/18

I had watched this as a drama series when it first premiered way back when I was a little child, which explains why I can barely remember the storyline - except that the main character was mute as a result of an accident and prioritise his adoptive sister's happiness above his own.

Now, I managed to get a copy of the film after reading about its adaptation somewhere, but I won't ruin the surprise for you guys. The plot kept tugging at my heart stringers, which left me wondering whether it was supposed to be a sad or heartwarming film. With that being said, I'd recommend you guys to watch it, especially if you have watched the drama series before. Two quotes stood out and because my laptop isn't equipped with the Chinese format, I can only write it in English.

• 'love means never having to say sorry' (1:12:57)
• 'time waits for no one' (1:30:29)

I related the most with the second quote because time is like a spill that you can never contain. No matter how much you try to stop it, it just doesn't work.

09/15/18

I’ll be candor.

I must be stressed to the point where I’ve been binge watching movies.

Watching ‘Book Club’ days after ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ made me feel like I was pushing the limits of my weekly budget as tickets aren’t exactly affordable, even as a student due to the fluctuating exchange rates. It also didn’t help that I had all of the assignments rolled up - one after another, waiting for submission.

But I wanted to treat myself with a trip to the theatre.

I almost died from the immense laughter, especially in certain scenes because it felt like what the grandmother version of me would do in x number of years time.

9/6/18

I dreamt that I was invited to a formal/casual event held in a shopping mall that resembled the floor of Sunway Pyramid. Because I had been away from the place for a long while, I arrived about three hours before the event to make sure that I knew where the location of the event was. I found people guarding the doors to the event hall and left them alone. Since I was early and deciding that I needed to kill time, I swung by the arts and crafts nearby. I was relieved that it was still trading even after all these years. It was a shop that I patronized frequently when I was permanently based in town some time ago. They sold ready-made artworks for people to purchase and provided free materials for people clueless in arts and crafts - like myself - to test their ability in making something from scratch. Not to mention, our creativity skills.

The next scene saw me waiting in a toilet with another person who had wrapped herself in a towel to protect her modesty. It was surprisingly not smelly like most toilets in real life; it didn’t have any perfume, but it didn’t reek of any bad smell either. The floor was dry and devoid of any spillage. The doors were in the same shade as the floor - a light touch of beige. There was a bench in front of the cubicles, to which a friend was folding her clothes in a neat way and preparing to swap into a suitable attire. She had wrapped herself in a towel. Two people approached us and asked whether we were waiting in line for the next available cubicle, to which we said no. Both of them looked like they wanted to use the shower facilities that the bathroom provided.

When it was time for me to enter the area, I took a deep breath to mentally prepare myself for the chaos. I knew that I’d be facing people I would ordinarily avoid in normal circumstances. My heart skipped a beat when I saw someone loitering at the doors as I approached the entrance. It was someone whom I know in real life. His eyes glittered with recognition and he responded with a small smile. I reciprocated with a micro-wave before I made my way inside.

My only interpretation of this dream is that …. my subconscious must’ve been pushed to such edge from the stress of rolling assignments.

Save me from the mess

It wasn’t something I factored into my consideration.

It wasn’t even something that should’ve impacted me in such a manner, seeing that I had a prior experience with it.

A swamped week of assignments that left me on the edge for the most of the week - and I accepted the challenge. Yet it derailed in front of my eyes. No matter how much I prepared, it wasn’t enough to soothe the racing heart.

There was no point in avoiding it because I’d have to eventually face it, but being sent to the deep end at the height of an anxiety attack was something I didn’t expect. What saved me was the knowledge of the consequences. As I slipped into the role that was assigned to me, I improvised with what I remembered and threw in the towel. I’m someone who prefers the clear divide between maintaining appearances in public and letting myself go in private; I wasn’t about to let the panic leak onto my facial features. I drained the contents of my water bottle and absently reached out for my friend’s bottle without even realizing that it was the sign of nerves. It was until my teammate took a glance at me and whispered that I should take a few deep breaths to calm down. Great, I’m sure if he saw it, it means that I wore that glassy look instead.

My throat felt like it was being restricted. My hands shook with such intensity that for a moment, I thought I was losing control. I zoned out as a coping mechanism, but my eyes kept darting in the direction of the door. Thank heavens nobody noticed it… or so I thought. Just like old times, I’ll receive apologies once the roleplay has been completed.

The anxiety was still thick in the air… no matter how much I wanted it gone by the time I had to complete another oral assignment. I have no idea what’s going on now; the oral presentations last semester were nerve-wrecking because I decided to do both of them in the same week. And no, there was no undue influence. As for this semester, my emotions are divided in various directions as a result of the workload and stress. Even volunteering for an event over the weekend didn’t help either; I mysteriously landed myself in a pot of stress even though it’s a role I’m comfortable with.

I’m still panicky as I’m writing this - even though it has been days since the fact. The bright side is that I can now take a short breather and retune my emotions. I know my mind, body, and soul well; when I’m drowning in more matters than I can cope and suffering from sleep deprivation (that may or may not incited by insomnia), the automatic response is an internal collapse.