Monday, November 11, 2019

11/11/2019

I’m hiding more in my hoodie and creating an invisible barrier that divides the highly intense work environment and my personal life. You see, I’m someone who’s easily influenced by the environment that I am in, regardless of work or accommodation. For me to focus well, I’d need to distract myself from intense stimuli even though music is considered a stimulating factor for some people. Somehow, songs blasting through the earpiece at an obstreperous volume allow me to be in that element at the risk of hearing loss. This action permits me to be more productive and able to focus on the task at hand yet we both know that I don’t have the opportunity to do this all the time. My concentration will be shattered by the continuous phone calls. I know that there’s an option for me to ignore the calls, but not when it annoys the hell out of you.

*shrugs* That’s me for you - even when I’m under the weather. I won’t allow myself to take sick leave if I’m still able to move around, albeit slower than usual.

Knowing myself, I slept at odd hours last weekend to complete the urgent paperwork. I usually avoid bringing work from the office for the very reason listed in the first sentence of this post. But sometimes you have no choice. I know I need some downtime but a messed up sleeping schedule doesn’t help either. Even at 16 hours later, I’m operating with a blurry mind, especially since everything needs amendment or inclusion - to such a stage where I mixed papers and documents appeared in different files. *sighs*

Staying up until the wee hours of Sunday morning was a danger that I was aware of - yet the perfectionist in me refuses to sleep until I was confident that I had done as much as I can to buy more time in the office. I mean, I’ve the choice of heading home only after everything has been done, but that would be leaving after sunset and I’m not sure if I’m willing to take the risk since safety is an issue right now. That leaves me with no other method but to bring the documents with me and work in the silence of my place after everyone has gone to bed.

So, if you ever see me with panda eyes or in a terrible mood, do us both a favor and try to limit the conversation - unless I make the first move of talking to you.

Monday, November 4, 2019

11/4/19

It’s close to a year after graduation yet I’m still on the journey that I envisioned myself to have at this age. I don’t know if this is the result of the decisions that were wrongly made when I was younger. You’ll convince me that things can’t be rushed and there’s a time and place for everything, but I don’t know if I’ll believe that. The circumstances I endured kind of twisted my perception of things. I’d believe those words if it is sad in another world, but not in this current one. I’m losing bits and pieces of myself and even my dreams just to survive and fulfill the wishes of others.

An owl brought to life with balloons, helium, and creativity  - as part of the Halloween decorations in IPC
I stared out of the window at my favorite coffeehouse and observed the foot traffic entering the cafe. I sigh, knowing and reflecting on the exhausting journey that shaped me into the person I am today. Gone into the wind is the cheerful, carefree girl and taking her presence is someone who’d rather feign normalcy than to let anyone see her at her weakest moments. Yet it’s draining her and making her withdraw into isolation.

Then there’s the whole topic about work.

Although it has relatively been okay, I’ve operated on auto-pilot to the point where I’ve made mistakes on the job or unable to remember work-related matters (even after months in this position). I don’t know if the lines between my personal life and working life merging into one fuzzy line. I’ve ensured that these two portions of my life never intertwine with each other for the fear that one will affect the other yet the seams in the middle are breaking apart. What’s worse is that I’ve the desire to pull the covers over my head and waddle my way through the paperwork while keeping everyone at an arm’s distance due to insecurities.

Chinese Zombie (殭屍) - as part of the Halloween decorations in IPC
As if that isn’t exhausting enough, I sprained my back a couple of weeks ago and refused to let the doctor/chiropractor have a look of it. No matter how much pain I was dealing with, I just bit my tongue and relied on the infrequent use of Panadol. I’m sure I was close to collapsing from the sudden pain radiating in my nerves upon rising to my full height after being seated for some time. I had to throw caution to the wind and hope that the pain will leave on its terms, but it was difficult to move around without the freedom of movement. Somehow with the guidance and patience of time, my back manage to recover - although I still can’t fully squat without losing my balance.

The same thing can’t be said about the emotional side of things. I still don’t feel good. Fighting against the current has drained me to such a stage that I’m exhausted. I’m aware that I should take some time off to permit my emotions to recover, but once I do that, I’ll be greeted by an amplified workload and an even more limited timeframe to work with. And I know myself; I'm more than capable to become a workaholic and sacrifice my social life to ensure that
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...