Thursday, September 22, 2016


Surprising me for the third time, I woke up with swollen eyes - an indication that either I didn’t have quality sleep or I must’ve cried at one point in my sleep. It took a while for my mind to think before I realized that it’s the latter.

I dreamt that there was a murder, but the evidence kept pointing to the possibility that it was done in retaliation for something that occurred in the past as an accident. I raced through the hospital corridor in a state of panic after receiving the news. When I saw the good friend in sunglasses at the distance with a sad smile outside the mortuary, I burst into tears as I knew that there was no denying the truth.

The person didn’t survive the impact of the car crash and succumbed to the injuries en-route to the hospital.

A visit to the past was needed to understand the motive and intention behind the person’s death. The next scene went all the way back to the 1900s Malaysia, where it looked like a slum with dilapidated buildings and the electrical wires exposed to air. It was a tragedy waiting to occur. The timeline skipped to years later. I was in a back room, dealing with our dog’s urine when I heard an acquaintance talking to my housemate. My heart sank when the acquaintance broke the news of a death.

Yes, I know the dream does not make full sense. Even I’m struggling to break it apart for interpretation. Like, why would my good friend show up in the dream?!

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

A Case of Curious Coincidences (Part 3)

Author’s Note: This is a scheduled post. At the time of this posting, I’m away from everyone and the computer screen, clearing my cluttered mind in an undisclosed location. I'll be back to the computer screen sometime next week.

Hiding in the basement library at this hour of eight-thirty in the morning, Crystal couldn’t help but wonder why she dragged herself to campus when her lecture was at noon. The serenity that the empty area provided allowed her to reflect and think. Although she wasn’t exceptionally exuberant with her second semester’s timetable, she had to be contented because it accorded her with a rest day (unlike the previous semester, where it was necessary to embark on the daily commute to campus). She disliked the idea of running into Ryan on campus because she didn’t know what to expect from him. He was gregarious on one minute, but as moody as the grey skies on the next minute.
    No matter how she rationalized the coincidences last semester, there were a couple of things that didn’t end up. How could they have enrolled together for those classes without even knowing what the other party’s choice was? Why was it so coincidental that they, for their own reasons, decided to study this particular course at the same time?
    She initially hoped that she could rid herself of familiar faces when she broke away from her friends and embarked on a separate path for this year. She needed it; she needed it because she thought that she wouldn’t have to face Ryan for a long while and she had to excel in this favorite course of hers, making her college lecturer proud. Little did she expect that it will complicate matters for her instead.
    The winter break allowed her to scrape the last semester’s stressful contents out of her brain with a spatula and start afresh. She was thankful that her two friends collaborated to drag her out to the movies and a late lunch together, where it took her mind off the worry of her final grades.
    And sleep too.
    Gosh, she couldn’t remember the last time she had such fitful sleep. Her rest was usually tattered with the amount of workload and fear about her academic performance where either she was insomniac or adopted the vampire’s shadowy figure, ready to pounce on people who stepped on her tail.
    Yet, she still couldn’t wrap her head around the stark coincidence.
    She buried her face in her hands when she realized that the very decision of swapping things around will lead to further interaction with him until their graduation.

The pressure flowed in her bloodstream and bled the joy out of Crystal when she departed with Tracy from campus for the last of their three exam papers. She wanted to be done with this and crash for the next twelve hours - or until her body was fully recovered by the continuous bashing.
    Maybe it was for the best that all her papers were scheduled within a week of each other.
    When they arrived at the examination hall, they squeezed their way through the crowd and hid at the far end of the building, where it was quieter and safer. The buzz that sashayed around them was too great a risk for them; they didn’t want to absorb the additional stress from the crazy energy that bounced off each student.
    “Psst, look who’s here.” Tracy whispered, pointing to a reticent soul standing across them.
    Crystal turned her head in the direction of Tracy’s finger and sighed. “Oh, great.”
    “I mean, look! He’s making us look like fool. He’s only carrying a handful of papers and I don’t see him carrying a bag.” Tracy shook her head. “Look at us. We’ve brought practically everything from the tutorials and lectures.”
    “My dear, it’s alright. We feel more secure this way. Plus, God knows what he’s done in the days leading up to this.”
    It came as no surprise. It was evident to her towards the end of the semester that Ryan would ace this particular course. Observing his body language in both classes led her to believe that he was not only sure about the value of his contribution for the discussions, but also his effort in attaining the desired grade. She smirked to herself, knowing that there was a whiff of anxiety in his thoughts. As he leaned against the hall and glued to his iPhone, she saw that his ankles were crossed - not a sign of being carefree and relaxed. If he was honestly and genuinely confident, his facial expression would’ve softened with faint traces of assurance. She could feel the nervousness off him in the same manner that she saw the fear in his eyes when they crossed paths in this very same place a semester ago.
    “I know the guy,” Crystal continued after the silence. “That’s how he rolls. You can’t tell whether he’s relaxed or petrified over the final papers until there’s been an exchange of eye contact. Or, at least that was what I was led to assume.”
    Tracy looked up. “Hmm? Do elaborate, Crystal.”
    “This is not the first time that I’ve seen him here for the exams. The first time was actually last semester when we were sitting for our separate papers. I didn’t say hello to him when I passed by him because I was speaking to a female friend and he was busy with his revision. It wasn’t until the friend and I were returning to the main entrance that he shot a hello. Not to us, but only to me. When our eyes met, I saw the stress and panic floating in his eyes. He didn’t look as stoic as he does in class. It felt as if he was silently reaching out for help. I’m not going to mention what happened after the exams, but let’s just say that my friend whinged for an hour that Ryan was nicer to me than to her. Mind you, he knows her too.”
    “That sounds funny and weird at the same time. Does she like him?”
    “Nope. I know she's taken by someone else, but I'm not sure if he's single and ready to mingle.”
    “Sounds like he does favor you more than her.”
    “Oh my God.” Crystal laughed. “Tracy, I wouldn’t have a clue. I’m not a mind reader! But yeah, he’s an intelligent person who carries his weight.”
    “He has always looked studious to me, but then again,” Tracy pointed out softly, “even the smartest student, if not cautious, could mess up from the pressure of time.”
    “There’s one thing I don’t understand. Why does it feel like he’s forgotten that I exist or only speaks after I’ve acknowledged his presence?” Crystal sighed. “You know what? Let’s just make our way out of here before he catches sight of us.”

Monday, September 12, 2016

Torn between two . . . goals and one fact

There’s no way I’ll have such dreams unless my subconscious is extremely exhausted or it’s screaming for help.

I dreamt that we were late for our lecture in Hughes and when we arrived there, the lecture theatre was packed to the brim. We tried to squash our way into the few vacant seats remaining at the back. The lecturer verbally dragged us down to the front, where we found out that there were vacant rows of seats. It was like the invisible cloud surrounding that area cleared up. A coursemate was quietly sitting on one of the seats and stealing a moment’s rest when we made ourselves comfortable next to her. We were later at a dimly-lit parking garage, rushing to find our way out as there was a feeling of being chased or followed by someone.

In the next scene, I dreamt that there was a fire warning issued for the landed property that we lived in. We rushed to move all of the furniture and personal belongings out of the residence as fast as we could to a nearby safe place. The landscape was left alone, but I ended up walking through the fire, unscathed and alone. Oddly, I didn’t feel panic or fear - just serenity and security.

I also dreamt that a friend (his identity wasn’t revealed) and I took time out and went on an adventure to a resort. This was because he could see that I was heading towards the path of a nervous breakdown (although I was unaware of it). We obviously took separate rooms within walking distance to each other’s. I remember walking along the wooden route, heading to somewhere and being carefree and happy.

For the second dream, my personal interpretation of the dream is that I do crave an isolation period, away from the peers and in a place where no one can contact me. It is arguable that the moving of items indicates that the triggers need to be eliminated in a swift manner. Could the fire warning be a signal of me potentially losing my temper?. I don’t know, but it’s possible. It’s true, though. I’m reaching that stage where the stress is beginning to weigh me down.

For the third dream, is this a sign that someone is the panacea to the unspoken pressures I’m facing? Or, is someone worried for my emotional well-being? If so, I know who this dream is pointing to. Maybe I’m just in dire need for a beach/resort getaway?

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Peace will come when one of us puts down the gun

The title is from the song lyrics of "Battlefield" by Lea Michele - and attached is the video for it.

After allowing my mind to stew for a couple of days, I’m not sure what to expect anymore. I don’t know, I’ve arrived at the stage where I’m contradicting myself. On one hand, I’m more than comfortable locking myself in the unit whenever I don’t have lectures or tutorials. At least I can be a disheveled suburbian girl who doesn’t need to care how she looks for the day. That doesn’t mean that I don’t place any effort in my attires, man. What I mean is that I can leave my hair in a mess state and change from one pair of pajamas to another. On the other hand, I need to breathe the fresh air and socialize with the slippery souls. At the rate that we are going, it feels like we’re catching each other’s shadows instead of the actual persons.

Now that we’ve officially reached the halfway mark of the semester, I’ll have to admit that while learning about the decisions countries make for their foreign policies is interesting, it’s nudging me to enroll in the quasi-law, quasi-politics elective that the Property Law lecturer is offering for next semester (especially since the course is about the influence of politics on the law or vice versa, I can’t specifically remember).

Six more weeks before crunch time - and I’m sure time will fly past me in the blink of an eye. Before I’m even aware of it, it’s revision time, hinting at the deadline of the final assignments due for my electives. Not too far away is the strangling Administrative Law exam. *sighs*

But who knows?

No, I'm not using alcohol to cope with the stress. To do so would be the dumbest decision of mine. 

SWOTVAC and summer break, in itself, could bring different thoughts altogether. I might freeze all forms of communications during SWOTVAC to focus on the assignments and exam revision (yes, thank God, there’s only one exam to deal with this time around). Maybe I’ll use the summer break to connect with myself on a deeper level. It feels like I’ve abandoned a part of myself somewhere in the process of running after the elusive grades. If the plans are successful, I’ll be challenged mentally and physically by the prospective doubling of stress. The only positive side of it is that it will take my mind off things and keep me on the go most of the time.

Okay, we’ve arrived at the substance of the topic.

I know, I left the readers on a weird cliffhanger in the previous post (to the point where I made it sound like I’m a sacrificial lamb). No mortal is a saint, and there’s always that speck of imperfection or sin in all of us. With that in mind, I’ll pick up on where I left off and elaborate myself.

It’s more for the innocent player that my worries lie on. As he’s someone whom I’ve grown to appreciate and accept as an awesome friend, I’ll definitely step in and try to contain the burning fire. The matter is between me and the person; it shouldn’t require the involvement of other parties in the process. I could care less about this person’s conduct towards me because I’ve arrived at the stage where I honestly don’t care. In fact, if the situation isn't changing for the better, I won't take offence and will play the same cards as him instead.

Humans are just that complicated to understand, pfft.

It's just that I'm praying that he wouldn’t leave the innocent player feeling like the latter’s been snubbed.

[The term ‘innocent player’ refers to someone whose interest will be affected by the consequences of the game and, yet, is not considered a party to it.]

I wonder if I should take up photography as a favorite hobby again.

What’s making me suspicious is the fact that I dreamt that I obtained this person’s timetable (through legal means, don’t worry) for the entire academic year through someone else a while back. I'm honestly not sure what its relevance is to the current matter is. I've to throw caution to the wind about this interpretation because I don't know what to take from it - and it's scary enough that I dreamt of Kyle glaring at me before our papers in college. One of the dreams that I had last year recently came true, so yeah. There's a chance that this timetable exam could be a living reality and, if that happens, I'll verbally strangle someone. *shakes head*

Also, if it’s an advance warning to her suspicions, then I’m speechless. A part of me is hoping that her suspicions are founded on probable grounds, and not on reasonable grounds. If it is proven, you can already imagine me with saucer eyes and gaping at the stark coincidence of it all. If sneaky Fate additionally intervenes to complicate an awkward situation, it’s more than pure coincidence that history is repeating itself. Don’t ask me what I’ll do, though. It is something that I’ll only deal with if and when it happens.

It’s too soon to worry about it, especially since I’ve enough on my plate to crack the brain wide open.

Plus, I highly doubt that we’d be that lucky to land in the same tutorial without advance planning. It’s just impossible . . . (or maybe it is, this is, like, the second time I’m in the same class as an acquaintance - and we didn’t discuss about it beforehand.)

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Mini Break

The more things are being rolled out, the more it is likely that her suspicions will come true - and I’ll be the next person out of the door. If it’s just the two of us, we couldn’t be bothered, to say the least, because we know what to expect. It is when there’s an innocent third party who is involved that things will be murkier. Put it this way, the third party has done nothing to deserve such a treatment. For that reason, I’ll have to sacrifice myself in the line of fire and do something that I never thought I’ll have to do again.

Then again, it’s only something that I’ll deal with when it really happens. What’s the point of being fearful over it when it still cannot be proved on a balance of probabilities? As it is, I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted from the continuous perfection I crave for the degree.

Now that the two assignments have been concurrently completed and submitted, it’s about time that I reduce the travelling speed and learn to take well-deserved pit-stops, if/when required to. At the time of this posting, I’m riding out the effects of straining the glutes and quadriceps over the weekend. So, you can already see why I should learn to be gentler on myself - physically, emotionally and mentally.

Since I know what I’m capable of if the stress reaches the limit, I decided to squash some time out and relax to one of my all-time favorite games.

Meet Maple Story: Beast Tamer

My apologies for a short post today. I’ve to prepare for tomorrow’s tutorial work and catch up on the backdated readings as well. I promise I’ll pen a longer, detailed post when I’ve more free time on my hands, though.
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