Thursday, September 28, 2017

9/28/2017

I dreamt that I attended an event that was held in a large area. Whether it was a ballroom or a convention centre, I couldn’t tell. The person - let’s call him an emcee - stood at the centre of the stage and introduced something to the attendees.

As I heard someone introducing herself, my ears perked up when she said the magic name. I had been looking for that person for a while. During the break time, I walked over to the table where she was seated and asked her about this. She refused to meet my eyes and told me to meet her at the back in 15 minutes to have a private conversation on this. She apparently was with other people and didn’t want them to know the nature of our conversation topic.

Interpretation: A quick check with the dream website indicated that there is a hidden aspect of myself that I have never seen before. In the dream, there were lots of people, but none of whom I knew in reality. My best guess is that the worries I have now, I’ve never experienced them before. Not even in Taylor’s. Oddly enough, even though I struggled with History, I knew that I’d be able to pass the course - just not at the grade that I wanted.

At the corner of my eye, I saw that the police had arrived to arrest someone. Who, I wasn’t sure, but the shiny silver handcuffs stood out in the dimly lit area. I made my way to the toilet on the pretext of seeing who it was, but the emcee told me to use the toilet at the back instead. I didn’t pick up on his reasoning.

Interpretation: I’ll split this piece into three parts:

a) The place that we were in was a dimly lit room. You could even say that it was a dark room with lights from the back, the projectors, and people’s laptop screens. Come to think of it, I’m not sure why I’d even have such a dream, but I digress. A quick check with the aforementioned website gave me a couple of ideas to work with. The first one is the possibility of something dangerous about to occur in my life. Let’s see - if you consider my hesitance on my capabilities of completing this semester without breaking down, then it might be the precarious thing that the subconscious is warning me about. The second one is where I’m stuck in a situation and having to make do with what I have. This one seems to be more realistic, seeing that I’m about to pull my hairs out.

b) The police arresting someone. Now, this could be a signal that feelings of change are being placed on me. It is either that or my presence brings a sense of security or calmness to a situation. Hah, I wish. I don’t think I’m that capable to defuse a low-level conflict before it explodes into a dispute.

c) Someone being handcuffed. Mind you, there are times when I feel like i’m reaching the limits of my mental and emotions. I’m forced to adopt the role of someone else, where I can’t express myself for the fear of aggravating or complicating a tender situation. I won’t be surprised if the situation that I’ve landed myself into that is the cause. You could say that my environment has forced me to adapt. I get glares/stares directed at me whenever I choose to express myself in Mandarin due to the stereotype and misassumptions. I’m not as fluent in Bahasa Malaysia as I am in English, so I only speak Malay when I’m within the four walls or back home in the good ole KL.

Instead of being myself, why not observe more than I speak?

I walked into the toilet cubicles and instantly felt fearful. The air was colder than I expected, and it left me thinking that I have company. It wasn’t until I met a four-legged fellow that my fear was soothed. I saw its name written on a tag that was hammered next to the main door. I whispered the dog’s name. The furkid waited outside the cubicle and its presence somehow managed to give me the peace and safety that I needed.

Interpretation: I’ll split this piece into three parts:

a) Walking into the toilet. Let's just say that I need the opportunity to rid myself of a negative situation, two of which I'm currently facing. I won't say much about the first one, but I can elaborate more about the second one. The fact that I haven't been able to study to the best of my abilities has tested my patience since the beginning of penultimate year. I feel like I'm being overwhelmed and am more than ready to drop everything, if it means having a breather.

I just need to let go and find my old self while trusting the process.

b) The fear that I felt in the toilet. The online dream interpretation suggested that a situation in real life is giving me the creeps. Sure, I am anxious about the little side project that I've just completed as I don't know whether the time spent on it would be a waste or success. I am also anxious about obtaining a credit for all of my courses this semester.

I just don't know whether I've done enough... which is ironic.

Where has all my confidence gone to?

c) Seeing the dog tag. Seriously, this is a description that is more suited for my good friend, not me. I've observed him - and his method of confronting a negative situation is different from mine. He doesn't speak of it and relies on himself to get things done. Me? I've to give myself some pep-talk to keep the rising fear and anger at bay.

Maybe the sudden loss of confidence is related to this. I've chosen to wear a happy mask in front of everyone to protect myself from the harsh effects of words or actions. I try not to rely on others for help - even though I'm drowning - and prefer to do it myself. Could that be an indication that I am emotionally protective of my work?

Some people had left my table when I returned from the toilet. We were seated near the projection screen on a long table. I was also tempted to do the same thing since it was getting late. I asked a fellow friend to walk me to my car after the event. He replied that it would’ve been something that he’d do even if I hadn’t asked him. He reasoned that he wanted to make sure that he saw me off safely.

Interpretation: a) Me talking to the girl and my friend. Oh, how in the world did my fears and insecurities slip into the dream? I don't like to air my grievances, because, let's face it, it could be used as a revenge or a way to get back to me if someone wants to see me suffer.

Hell, I even feel the traces of jealousy in some people.

Ugh, humans. 


b) The friend agreeing to walk me to my car. Seeing that none of the attendees are people whom I know in real life, this might be the subconscious way of having a friend who is there for me. Sure, I know some of my friends would be there for me, but I'm not going to splash their inbox with paragraphs after paragraphs of rants and vents when I don't feel confident that it'll be kept as a secret. Maybe the dream is creating a mirror image of myself but with better qualities and tools to keep me going. 

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

9/26/2017

Only God knows how exhausted I feel.

It looks like I have the bad habit of suppressing everything and not raising a hand when I need help. No matter how swamped or tired I am, you’ll see me waddling through the mountainous load of academic and non-academic things. That’s how I roll since college, but I have noticed something different in the recent weeks.

I always have flashbacks of past memories whenever I am in the midst of doing something. Even at the time of penning this post, I am reminded of a particular moment in time when we were visiting a docked cruise ship - Star Cruises, if I’ve correctly remembered the name - in Port Klang before we had dinner at the local seafood restaurant on our way back. Our travel companion chose Coconut Tree Seafood Restaurant. I can even be finishing my assessment when I suddenly catch myself thinking about my time in Fremantle, where I almost lost my way in the University of Notre Dame campus.

I’m excited that my penultimate year is a done and dealt thing after that Corporate Law exam. I want - no, scratch that, I need - to put a challenging year, personally and academically, behind me and focus on the end goal. The sigh of relief at having another year to complete. The prospect of graduating with the elusive degree which has made me lost ⅓ of my body size and continuously left me on the edge of the cliff. Lost ⅓ of the my body size? Yes, you read that right. Some of my college friends were unable to recognize me when I caught up with them last year. For reasons that only God knows, the aura has been different. I don’t even know what it is that I want out of life. I feel like I’m losing base with my academic knowledge and skill. With my mind having taken a leave of its own absence, I can’t fully concentrate and have the desire of retreating into my shell. Not just the shell; it’s the deep dark abyss of it, where I’m comforted by the soothing effects of the silence and darkness.

Maybe, who knows, I’ll be able to find that mojo again after the summer break.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

9/23/2017

I dreamt that my sister and the good friend joked with each other at the far corner of the cafe. Although I was resigned to the fact that I wasn’t invited, I wasn’t annoyed because I wanted them to spend some time together. I was also sure that he told her some of the news that I already knew: one of which was him volunteering as a peer tutor for one of the law courses that he excelled in. With a sigh, I pretended that I didn’t see them and went my own way. It wouldn’t be fair for me to interrupt their private conversation.

When I saw them - or at least two people who looked like them - a couple of days later in another place, it irked me because you don’t consciously forget to invite another person twice in a row. I suspected that there was an intention to alienate me, so I asked my college friend to look after my backpack while I took my phone and went to them to say hello.

Interpretation: A quick look at the online website suggested that I might not have prioritised myself over everything else hence the feeling of being ignored in the dream. Now that I think back, it does make a tad bit of sense. My focus these couple of weeks have been divided between my personal undertakings and the assignments, leaving me with little to no time for some alone time.

The next scene involved me dreaming that one side of the intersection ahead of us was blocked for a cycling event. As my college friend and I waited to cross the road at the traffic lights, we were surrounded by four grumpy old men. Let’s just say that they were so pissed off that they hurled their displeasure at the inconvenience as they overtook us. My college friend and I stopped at the sidewalk and had a couple of last words before we went our separate ways.

I had booked a night in an exquisite hotel and made my way there. It was busier than I expected and after waiting for quite a while, I asked the hotel receptionist what had happened. She answered that the hotel was playing host to an entourage from abroad for an upcoming festival. It would be jam-packed with people for the next couple of days and if I was lucky enough, I might run into a handful of celebrities who stayed there. As I took the lift to the allocated hotel room, it involved me changing lifts at a certain floor.

Interpretation: A visit to the dream website gave an interpretation to this scene. It highlights my subconscious scream for help. I won’t know whether it is accurate because college has taught me to be independent. With that being said, I do feel like I’m at the stage where I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. My heart wants to abandon everything momentarily and run somewhere for a respite, away from the hustle and bustle of academia. Maybe this is what a burnout feels like.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

A Case of Curious Coincidences (Part 7)

Crystal’s lips stretched thinly as she emerged at the arrival hall of Adelaide Airport with her luggage. She resembled a zombie with her pale complexion and swollen eyes. She gulped with sadness when she saw a crowd of people waiting with exuberance to embrace their loved ones and immediately turned away. She took a deep breath to stabilize her emotions. The scene reminded her of her last night in Edmonton and how she turned down her roommate’s request to send her to the airport. If she didn’t exercise self-control, this could spiral into a full blown crying episode and it was in her best interest to avoid it. Her body was already in urgent need of sleep, especially after she endured cross-country flights that included brief stops in Vancouver and Sydney, two time zones, and a severe jet lag waiting to pounce on her.

“I am out of my mind,” she muttered under her breath.

The last four months or so that she spent in University of Alberta opened her eyes to a new horizon, but an important question lingered. How was she to resume her studies in Adelaide after this? She had panicked the moment she received the momentous news as it meant that there was no turning back. But her common sense had prevailed. A semester without Ryan’s presence would allow her to think and live a portion of her dream, which was to further her education in Canada. Make that two semesters - since he would be in good ole Auckland this time.

She stole a peek at her watch at this thought, which read that it was already hitting noon, and patiently indulged in her book while she waited for her mother to collect her. Thank God classes start in a fortnight, she rationalized. Or I’ll be a dead woman walking.

*

Her head ached with the fury of someone deprived of sleep the moment she neared the tutorial room for her core course. If she thought that she was able to mentally snap back into shape in a fortnight, she was proven wrong. The obstreperous volume of multiple conversations between the students flowed into the hallway. An indication that most of the students were present and waited for the tutor to show his or her face. The sight of a table and desktop computer welcomed her as she made her way in. It was a smaller room with little space for movements without trampling over each other. She instantly recognized a couple of faces in the crowd and fixed a smile with her focus on Trace, who was seated at the far end of the room and doodling on her notepad. It didn’t matter if she was a familiar face to them either. To her, they were all students churning their own grades.

“Trace,” Crystal greeted.

“Hey,” Trace replied and transferred her bag to the floor. “Thank God you arrived on time. I was worried that you’d be late… especially after such a long flight.”

“Oh, I was already back since a fortnight ago. It gave me enough time to recuperate from the jet lag. How’s things?”

“Quite okay. How was Edmonton?”

“Yeah, it was manageable. Experienced my first and only snow. An eye-opener of all sorts.”

“You know, Fate threw me in the same tutorial as him for Administrative Law.” Trace shook her head with a sigh. “The poor chap looked like someone extinguished the fire in his candle. Couldn’t help but think that you were the reason.”

“Oh, please. As if.”

“You never know…”

*

Her hands shook with trepidation the moment she entered the law building for her final semester. A few more months, and she’d be done with the entirety of her degree. But there was something else waiting for her at the finish line: the prospect of running into Ryan at the graduation ceremony. She hadn’t given him much thought during her sophomore year, but Fate served her with ideas of its own. Her smile was wiped off her face when she caught sight of Ryan entering the room with his mate. She hunched over and discreetly hid her face behind her Mac, pretending that her concentration was on her computer screen. History part two, she thought. Fate is definitely screwing with me again. Tracy will have fun with this. For sure.

She knew that she needed a change of plans when her tutor entered the room with a large folder. An indication that class was about to start. She decided to give Ryan the cold shoulder and feigned that he was a stranger to her. It was a tactic that he once used on her and she accidentally snapped in his face with the same method. She focused on her own things … until he approached her during the tutorial break.

“Hello, Crystal. It’s a surprise to see you here.”

Crystal forced a laugh. “Yeah, I wasn’t expecting to share a class with you again either. How’s Auckland?”

“You remembered. It was better than I imagined. There is something comforting and welcoming about the aura that makes you want to return again.”

“I know that feeling. It’s a smaller country, but you won’t feel constricted.”

His eyes widened with shock. “How’d you know?”

“Come.” She gingerly closed her laptop and rose to her full height. “We’ve another eight minutes. Let’s continue this conversation outside.”

It was moment later when they were out of earshot that she answered Ryan - although he noticed that she folded her arms and crossed her legs as she leaned against the wall for stability. “I’ve lived there for a while.”

She was uncomfortable, but over what, he was unsure. “Too bad you couldn’t be there then,” he muttered. “You’d have been the perfect tour guide then.”

She raised an eyebrow. “What’s that?”

“It’s nothing,” he backtracked. “I was just thinking that if I knew that you visited Auckland before, I would’ve asked you for recommendations and tips.”

“Oh.”

“Since it’s just us, can I ask you something?”

“Shoot.”

“Can we start over as friends? My time in Auckland has made me realized that we weren’t exactly fair to each other. For all of the grief that I may’ve caused you as a burro estupido, I am sincerely sorry.”

It meant stupid donkey in Spanish. Why he, as a French speaker, would refer to Spanish words in his apology was something she didn’t understood, but one thing was clear in her mind. Now that he made the first move of admitting his sins, she was more than willing to bury the hatchet and start over.

“Apology accepted. And I’m sorry for what I’ve done too.” She offered a handshake. “A truce?”

He took her proffered hand - smoother than tofu - in a heartbeat. “Yes.”

“Let’s return inside then. I don’t want our peers to frown at our late return.”

“Sure.” He pulled the door open and held it for her. “After you.”

“Thanks.”
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