Thursday, July 26, 2018

What you see is not what you get

After spending almost four years on this degree, it has made me contemplate things that I shouldn’t. I would like to think that my emotional absence is the cause of all the premature decisions that I made, which incited the murky situation that I am now living in. But I highly doubt that it is the predominant cause of everything. It would take more than an emotional absence to cause it; it would take something like a loss of faith - a loss of trust, even.

I am exasperated at everything that has occurred, but it’s not like I’ll let it spill onto my face. What I’m experiencing is only for me to resolve. I’m not in the favor of having my vulnerabilities used against me by people who don’t have my best interests at heart. And who those people I can trust remains unknown - even until now. Personally, if you ask me, I don’t feel like anyone would be able to understand the stories that live in the depths of my heart. Even though others may say that they are able to understand or even empathize, it is impossible unless they have suffered from a similar predicament or experienced something similar. I’ve also noticed that people would only help others when they themselves are able to reap benefits from it, although I understand that there are exceptions to this. The question is whether you are able to decipher who’s there for the long-haul from the start. Who’s there for who you are, and not what you are.

External factors have turned me into someone hardened by her emotions. Someone who hates her life but not to the extent where she is ready to end it all. But someone who wants to call it quits and move to a place where no one knows her instead. She wants to start over to allow her heart to recuperate from the negative emotions, silent stress, and the dark side of living. Although I still look like the same child, the same well-mannered Sagittarius, I’m not who I once was. I don’t feel the same either and am desperately holding on to the little resolute and determination I now have. I know that it sounds shocking to most of my college friends because I’ve somehow adopted the aura of confidence and feigned that life is peachy. Because no one’s life is perfect. Everyone’s life comes with humps and bumps that we must conquer if we want to move ahead in life. But still, the reason why I’m tormented in my dreams is because I have placed the interests of others before mine to make them happy, even though it continuously bleeds me.

I don’t know what I’ll do once the resolute and determination slips through the cracks of my fingers.

Would my worst nightmare of throwing the towel and ending it all happen?

Would I turn out to be my own worst nightmare? Stoic. Incapable of trust. Seeing the worst in people from the outset. Chasing even the closest people away and keeping an arm’s length from them.

We all have our own regrets. It’s just whether we choose to speak of it or swallow it with a pinch of salt and force ourselves to continue with the next chapter of our lives. I know people who have chosen either option - and the ones who are artificially happy fall under the latter category. There is nothing like being on the go for almost 24/7 to take one’s mind off the regrets. Or at least that’s what I feel.

What’s getting weird for me is the occurrence of a particular person in my dreams. I can’t remember the exact content of it (it’s hard when you are half-conscious and dying from lack of sleep), but it involved my college friend and the loss of a decayed tooth. Now, I never fancied dreams where I lose teeth because it does not carry a positive undertone. It means that I’m full of anxiety and hesitant of the unknown - again and over again. Dreaming of him, well, I guess I know the reason behind it, but I’ll leave it for us - me and him - to resolve it among ourselves. But one thing is for sure; the movie that I watched in-flight is not the precursor of the recent dream. Now, that person and I, we were never in a relationship but in a state of love-hate friendship. It makes me smirk when I reflect on this because a lot of the signs were there, presented to me on a plate with invisible dishes. Yet, I chose not to acknowledge it because I sort of knew what would have occurred if I accepted it. I can tell you straight-up what would’ve ensued if we both took the plunge and disregarded our fears and hesitation. I’ll speak for myself only because I’ve no idea what his thoughts are. Let’s just say that there would have been happiness intertwined with hurt as the obstacles would be way greater than first thought of. Truth be told, half of it actually exists in most relationships. Happiness because he’s one of those friends who seem to know me better than myself. Reads me like a book - or he reasonably does try to. In short, just like what a brother would do. Hurt because it’d have transcended into a long-distance relationship, one that I’m unable to do. Tears would be shed at the departure hall. Lots of phone calls and text messages. A heavy heart.

But then again, our weird interaction has degraded into something similar to awkwardness. It’d be much better for us to remain in the current state, especially since I’m in the final semester of a degree that has challenged everything I have held close to me. My mental state. My physical health. The way my social life has taken a backseat. The change of approach and outlook towards life. And more.

Monday, July 16, 2018

7/16/18



I dreamt that I somehow purchased or rented a luxurious condominium unit in an upscale neighborhood. The living room was tastefully furnished with warm colours and a couple of loud pieces, such as the velvety red carpet underneath the coffee table. There was a lake view with the sunset reflecting its beautiful shade in the water. Next to it was a three-storey villa with wood for walls. Certain sections of that house had floor-to-ceiling windows. Parked in the driveway was a black vehicle. From my vantage point, I couldn’t identify the car make and model, but it looked like it was an Audi. As I gazed out of the window and tried to make my worries disappear, my boyfriend approached from behind and asked whether everything was okay.



In another scene, we visited a particular friend of mine. I was a tad bit apprehensive of this as there was a history between me and him. Well, not exactly a history but somewhere along those lines. Like old times, the friend and I joked around, which left my boyfriend uncomfortable. My boyfriend felt insecure at this conduct and pulled me close before he planted a soft kiss on my cheek. I panicked when he did this because I didn’t want things to become awkward and sandwiching me between them.



A quick search online suggested that my soulmate would arrive from the corner at some point, but I might have to beg to differ on this. As for the make-believe boyfriend in the dream, the online interpretation (www.everydayknow.com/what-does-it-mean-to-dream-about-a-guy-youve-never-met/) exemplified that ‘one of the most common reasons why Mr. Right is an unknown stranger in your dreams is because you don’t actually know who he is in your real life. You may want to have a romantic relationship or a sexual fling in your real life. Since you do not have someone to actually play that role in your waking life, your subconscious had to make someone up for your dream. Your mysterious stranger will most likely be replaced by a real person once you find the right guy in the real world.’ 



At the current time, I haven’t made arrangements to accommodate the entrance of a significant other - even though the subconscious could be craving for it. The boyfriend in the dream does not exist in reality, but he resembled a friend and possessed the aura/characteristics of another. No wonder I felt a slight of twinge of panic. My mind also shouted a familiar name. The name of someone whom I have not spoken to in years. I guess it’s the subconscious wondering about the what if. 




The online dream interpretation - Aunty Flo - suggested that ‘to see a newly built mansion in your dream suggests that you might be moving into a brand new phase of life - or perhaps a fresh outlook in life.’ (credits: https://www.auntyflo.com/dream-dictionary/mansion)



Back when I was younger, I once envisioned myself living in The Glades (Putra Heights) or Sunway Quay. My best bet is that the subconscious desires to live in a place that have the similar aura as these locations and the newly built villa is a reminder that half of my dreams are alive, but not burning brightly. 



As for the sunset, We Know Your Dreams.com opined that ‘dreaming of sunset also means that you are terribly disheartened by something in your waking life and you are looking forward to put an end to it. However, the bad time is not ending and you are in the same pit. You are trying hard to get rid of the major problem that you are into (probably a terrible relationship), but the problem is simply holding on to you.’ (credits: http://weknowyourdreams.com/sunset.html)



Well, there is a certain element of truth here. I am disappointed by something in my waking life and can’t wait for this pathetic chapter to write itself out. Based on what I have experienced and seen so far, I’m afraid that like what the prediction said, there is no end to this. At least for now. No matter what I do, I’m stuck in the murky waters. What’s making it worse to endure is that it’s not the first time I’m feeling this way.

Monday, July 9, 2018

7/9/18

Hugs are exchanged.

Tears are shed. 

Their eyes shine under the bright lights. 

The mood of the place, 

Floats from happiness to sadness.

And from sadness to happiness. 



The airport lounge buzzes with activity, 

Like bees flocking to the honeycomb. 

All travellers, 

Divided by flight class.

All passengers, 

With equality.



Seated in the serene lounge, 

I am alone in the crowd of travellers. 

Like scattered strangers we are,

Yet headed towards the same direction.

Our exhausted eyes, 

Full of understanding.
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