Saturday, May 21, 2016

I'm sailing off...

It's that time of the semester again, I'm afraid.

Since my exam schedule has been released, I feel that I should take a breather from blogging to focus on the revision. It's better that way because in the current mental state of mine, I'm more fragile than I expected (especially after the unexpected amount of mental harm and sudden shock).

It doesn't help that my exams are rather squashed this semester. Two papers in two days! I don't know whether to be thankful that my winter break will start early or cringe because I'll be swimming in more stress.

There is a chance that my decisions to take Australian Constitutional Law, Equity and Criminal Law together have thrown undesired stress on me. My body is physically struggling to cope with it. I almost threw out the contents of my breakfast before my Week 10 Equity lecture - and it was something that I've been taking all along in the morning: cappuccino with oats and toast. A quick search on Google suggested that it is the work of stress and/or anxiety.

I used to have a voracious appetite for food - to the point where I can accompany my college friend for two consecutive lunch hangouts, but not now. I can't even finish a proper meal without someone sharing it with me. If you compare what I have for lunch now and during the CPU days, you'll be surprised. On a good day, lunch consists of pulled tea and a slice of cake. On a bad day, it's just Vietnamese cold roll from the Hub.

And no, I'm not trying to lose weight.

With God's help and loads of revision coupled with prayers, I'd love to visit the beach in Glenelg or Henley during the winter break and enjoy the beautiful scenery that it offers. I need a change of environment to clear the congested mind.

In addition, there are some personal matters that require my due diligence - as if I don't already have enough on my plate, lol.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Rainy Thoughts

By the way, I apologize for such a lengthy post. It’s not very often that the word count for my posts would exceed 1k words.

On a peaceful, cool night like this, it's really good to open YouTube in a separate web browser and listen to the music of 1960s to 1970s to bring the hyperactive mind to a standstill. I would always imagine myself standing on the balcony, nursing a glass of Merlot and contemplating on life while relaxing to the fresh air. With my head thrown back and eyes closed, I'm shedding light into the dark thoughts.

I don't like the fact that it's taken me half the semester to find my ground in criminal law. I'm supposed to have enjoyed the course from the get-go - like the chap from my property law seminar. Yup, as if fate couldn't have been meaner, we're stuck with seeing each other's faces again - for criminal law and another course.

Unlike him, I've been struggling to find my place in criminal law, sigh.

It's ironic when you come to think of it. This is where my interest in law was built on. I'm sure I gave my teacher in second grade a fright when I wrote that my childhood ambition was to be a criminal law barrister, lol. I don't think she was able to associate the seriousness of a lawyer with the bespectacled, cute me. I've always wanted to dabble in criminal law since young yet it's taken me this long to be comfortable.

What can I say? I've already bitten off more than I can chew - when I swapped the core course with the electives - and nothing can undo the decisions that I've since made. I'm not saying that I regret it; what I'm saying is that it's forced me to address some buried issues prematurely. (I'm not going to elaborate more on it because it's making my breath faster and my hands shaky.)

By the virtue of me expediting the learning of criminal law, there is a possibility that my good friend and I might be in the same arts elective next year. With that being said, I don't want to impose this on him as I don't think he even remembers mentioning about this last year. (Though if I may add, he was rather disappointed that I chose a different elective than originally intended.)

But we'll have to see how that plays out. It's too far into the future to tell, especially since we're not a 100% sure on the electives that we're after. For all I know, I kind of promised the course coordinator for Legal Theory that I'll enroll in his class next year.

There are a couple more weeks left in the semester and I'm unsure if I should be neutral or worried about the final papers. The exam timetable has been released, which means that I need to take a peek at it as soon as possible - so that I'll know where to begin my revisions. Passing should be alright, but knowing me, I won't settle for a minimum pass. It won't look good on the transcript either, trust me. This in turn creates a huge dilemma for me.

On one hand, I obviously crave to attain a high grade (in fact, all students want that elusive HD, I'm sure) and be in the zone that accompanied me for the entire duration of second semester in college, but it is risky business.

I'll probably tumble down the mountainous cliff before I'm even aware of it.

On the other hand, I know it's impossible to aim for that without sacrificing my mental state of mind. I've the bad habit of bursting into tears when my results are lower than what I wanted - or even expected. Oh, trust me, I'm not as intelligent as I sound or look. That's why I've learned not to hope for the skies for the fear of a greater disappointment. The emotions can take quite a beating when that occurs.

Unlike some folks around me, I don't have any external assistance or experiences to lessen the effects or pressures that have been silently building up on me. I dislike talking about it because it'll make it sound like I'm whining, so the best is to be reticent - but it's beginning to sow the seeds of doubt, fear and anger in me (refer to this post).

This could possibly be the matter that Mr. Y warned me about, but there's an invisible barrier between me and my academic success. It's making me angrier than usual because it's taking a toll on my brain and emotions... and I hate feeling lost like a deer in the woods or even worse, vulnerable.

(No one has broken my heart; it's just that I found the melody relaxing enough to soothe the exhausted heart and mind.)

You can safely assume that the above is the reason why I'm more than happy being left alone now. Sure, it may feel lonely, but being with people won't make much of a change. I'll spare you with the details because it might create an impression that I'm borderline depressive (when I'm sure I'm nowhere near that yet), but plainly said, I'm tired of wearing a happy facade. I can't let the true me emerge - at least not until I'm with the right people, if you know what I mean?

Even then, allowing them to see the weaker side of me takes a whole lot of trust.

I'm actually looking forward to a well-deserved break after the exams. I need to recharge the batteries and allow the mind a chance to recuperate from the stress I've been punishing myself with. If you have seen that I've completely vanished from Facebook and Twitter at that time, you know that I'm seeking shelter in the cold yet loving arms of winter and finding my mojo again. Don't get me wrong, I still have the love-hate relationship with winter because I will lucidly remember things that I shouldn't.

Speaking of winter, it feels like it has made an early arrival. The clouds decided to share its emotions a couple of days and splashed its tears on the unsuspecting humans. The wind that joined in its sadness made it worse.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

University of Adelaide - Bachelor of Laws Graduation (2016)

Few more years, and I'll have the honor of setting foot in this majesty graduation hall (that is known as Bonython Hall) to receive the elusive degree.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Where has the time gone?

Currently listening to 'Love Will Set You Free' by Kodaline

Reading the previous posts about my summer trip to Western Australia after my finals in 2013 actually makes me want to return there and continue from where I left off. I don't really care much if I'm flying out alone or with friends - because it's a place that I've loved the moment I landed on Perth soil. One friend whom I thought would be keen to visit the state has sworn - at least twice - that it's a place he'll never visit and the other friend's probably waiting to turn financially legal before joining me.

I mean, I still can visit Auckland after graduation, but it's pretty exorbitant to fly there and I kind of promised someone that I'd be his unofficial tour guide there, lol.

That's just the bright side of things, I'm afraid.

I'm relieved that the autumn break couldn't have arrived at a better time although it's been screwing with my sleeping schedule. A lot of things have happened since my last post, to be honest. I'm super irritable over petty matters (signs of stress and sleep deprivation working against me) and inasmuch as I hate to admit it, I'd rather prefer to be left alone than to engage in conversations with anyone - unless necessary (yup, the effects of CPU's Semester 2 has risen from the ashes). Depending on which end of the spectrum you're looking at, it's both good and bad: good in the sense that I'll be able to have some time to myself, but bad because it means that I'll be so comfortable that I'll end up sliding into a wave of depression without being aware of it.

But hey, at least classes and daily errands are forcing me out of the house - since I'm not the type who skips lectures (if I can avoid it).

Anyhow, as long as I'm careful with my conduct when I'm around people, I think I'll be alright. It's nevertheless good to breathe the air of autumn mornings. There's nothing like some fresh smack on the face to wake the soul. Throw in some upbeat or head-bashing songs, and I'm good to go. Yes, you may be thinking, who in the world listens to Korn's Narcissistic Cannibal or Avenged Sevenfold's Afterlife at 8 am while on the commute to campus?!

Catching up with the finance friend a couple of days before the end of our semester break was awesome. It's good that we were able to extract some time out of our busy schedules to meet up. I can't believe that the last time we were actually able to hold a proper conversation was during orientation week, sigh.

If you ask me, I'm relieved that it's back to university now. I'll be able to redirect all of the accumulated negative energy into the completion of exam revisions, tutorial questions and lectures. Apart from doing so, keeping busy will maintain my sanity and ensure that I survive until the winter break. (The reason behind that my immune system has been taking a beating, and I'm catching myself suffering from bouts of cold far more too often now.)

Until then, I'll float in the air like a zombie but still cautious of her surroundings and alive enough to absorb information.

These dreams like ashes float away

Title is from the song lyrics of "Let It Burn" by Red. 
I dreamt that I was volunteering for the upcoming graduation ceremony, but it was in Inti Subang Jaya's campus - with lush greenery surrounding it.

On the day of the event, a fellow volunteer and I were held up at the convenience store as she wanted to grab something light to eat before we headed to her place for a quick change of clothes. She lived closer to the campus than me. As there was a downpour, I had to call the person in charge to notify her that we'd be 5 - 10 minutes late, as we were waiting for the rain to taper down before making our way to the campus.

We eventually arrived, but as the grassy lawns were soiled and muddy, the graduation had to be held indoors - and we broke into a run in our boots.
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