Sunday, April 29, 2018

04/29/2018

I dreamt that I was in the middle of a veterinary hospital, waiting for my turn to see the veterinarian in charge about the injuries that my dog sustained. I felt a wave of jealousy when I saw a couple holding a Maltese. One of the attending nurses was enamored by Maltese and chatted with its owners. Much to my surprise, the dog was able to respond in human language and explained the circumstances that led it to meet its current owners. It had something to do with being adopted as a stray.

My neighbor - a middle-aged couple - came with me because they knew that my parents were out of town and I couldn’t drive. My dog suffered from broken legs and a paralysed spine for reasons that I didn’t know. I just found him on the balcony with a pile of sand bags next to him.

The next scene involved the three of us in a discussion room with the veterinarian and his lawyer at the opposite end of the table. I believe the lawyer acted as the mediator, but not before giving me all the documents about duty of care and tort-related matters. I remembered seeing on the paper that he did not exactly owe a standard of care to the dog because it was not a human. He was unwilling to operate on the dog because I didn’t have pet insurance and the extra cash to pay for it. We struggled to arrive at a mutually-beneficial outcome for everyone involved… and I noticed that he started to wash his hands off the responsibility as well.

I was so upset with his indifference that I lashed out at him in angry tears, but was restrained by my neighbor who ended up absorbing the physical blows. His wife panicked at my actions and yelled ‘Jack’. The more I hit him, the tighter he held me as if to stop me from hurting either one of us.

I woke up with a massive headache and a pair of aching optic nerves after this dream. My eyes were not rimmed raw, but it felt like someone had placed a burning heat pack on it. With that being said, I immediately knew the theme of this dream, which was suppressed anger.

Way back when before the college and university enrollment, our family used to have two Maltese-Shih Tzu mix dogs. One was cream-colored and the other tri-colored. I’d like to think that the subconscious sent the cream-colored one to acknowledge the anger that I feel towards the world, but knowing my dreams, it is not as simple as that. By sending the tri-colored one, it is probably the subconscious wish to reach out to it for comfort. The situation that I landed myself in have left me on the edge for most of the time. I don’t like the deck of cards that I am playing with because I feel that there is a sense of unfairness. Its broken legs and paralysed spine could just be the symbol for my sorrow. My mind wants to call for help but my heart knows that it’ll never be answered in this materialistic world. My heart’s broken, but there’s nothing to repair it per se.

In the dream, I was already a law student, which made me angry with the lawyer and the veterinarian. My understanding of tort law is that a doctor owes a higher standard of care than the average person because of his skills and training as a medical professional, although there are not many cases of pet owners suing their vets if something goes awful.

I couldn’t see the facial features of ‘Jack’ in my dream, but based on his body language, it might be a representation of someone in reality. Someone who silently cared for me but never knew how to express it in the right manner.

Saturday, April 28, 2018

04/28/2018

I dreamt that I was lost in a place that resembled Sunway Pyramid. I entered the elevator when the doors opened. I punched the button that would have brought me to the floor that I wanted. It didn’t work no matter how many times I pressed it. After silently cursing under my breath, I noticed the card reader below the buttons. I figured the floor that I wanted to go must only be accessible with card access. I panicked when the elevator moved on its own, not realizing that someone else had called for it.

I instantly felt the creeps the moment the doors opened. All I saw was darkness and a wall before I noticed that there was a chubby lady wearing the lanyard. She was shocked to see me there, but nevertheless entered and tapped her card to allow us access. When we exited, we were on the ground floor and she guided me to my original location using the public route.

In the next scene, I was on campus and making my way to the little booth to grab a book. The person who manned the booth was known amongst students for sourcing unique, rare yet awesome books. I wasn’t sure if she had the book that I wanted, but I wanted to try my luck. As I made my way there, I received an email from one of the university departments, apologizing that my application had not been approved for the program. The person in charge continued by saying that if I could redraft the submission with correct usage of words, they were more than willing to reconsider my application.

The three of us were at the booth. I silently groaned when I saw the queue that had gathered. Exhaustion clouded me, but I snapped to attention when I felt a comforting hand on my neck before the owner started massaging it. It turned out to be a friend who sensed the change in my body language and suspected that I was swimming in stress. Since the owner didn’t have the book that I wanted, we made our way to the exit. My sister suddenly rang my phone, but I told her that I’ll call her back later when I was free.

For me to have such a dream of being lost, I must be stressed out and feel like I’m alone in the dangerous world. The suppressed anger and sadness are bubbling at the surface, ready to make an array of an explosion at any minute. I reckon the doors are my subconscious cry for help - the emotions are searching for a suitable outlet without attracting any attention.

I almost fell off the bed in shock when I turned to see who dared to massage my neck. It was an acquaintance from Constitutional Law, but I’ve learned to focus on the context of the dream. I shudder to even consider this probability, but am I subconsciously craving for a boyfriend to hold me in his arms, be there for me in the journey, and assure me that everything will be alright again? *facepalm*

I do know that my heart feels heavy, though.

Based on what I saw when we left campus, it immediately dawned on me that I was back in Petaling Jaya. In a building opposite Menara Axis. Not directly opposite, but the Federal Highway separated the two buildings.

Monday, April 23, 2018

I'm spinning around in circles

The moment I set foot in the library or the bookstore, I know I left the chances of me leaving empty handed at the entrance. Unless I exercise a strong degree of self-restraint, you can be assured that I’ll leave with a borrowed book or a purchase. Since the library has an earlier business hour this year, I made my way to the main library and found myself loitering around the aisles of books. I knew that I was in the aisles of literature and history when I saw familiar topics, such as Voltaire and Auschwitz.

Now that I have found a quiet spot to hide from my peers in law, I am able to allow myself to reflect on something. I’m not sure why, but this has been at the front of my mind for a while now. My senses are forever heightened whenever a particular person is around me. It’s as if I know he’s there yet I’m keeping a distance.

And it’s bringing me back to that episode (which I’m trying to forget, but to no avail).

Way back when in that time, I wasn’t sure if what I felt was infatuation or straight up love. It also didn’t help that my predominant focus was on studies and friends, so it didn’t give me much leeway to consider the signs. Since there is absolutely no form of communication between us both now, it’s relatively safe for me to describe the context yet keep the person’s identity hidden.

My hopes are not high that things will change between us.

By the curious twist of fate, we basically had similar classes in the first part of the journey. Trust me, I think I saw him more often than I did with another friend, lol. We would always run into each other, seeing that we go to the same place during the break time - but never had the opportunity to hang out together as a big group. We also treated each other in such a manner that outsiders would shake their head at. I wouldn’t call it a shitty treatment (and I think he would have said the same thing at that time). There was just a lot of playful - but verbal and sarcastic - arguments.

Gosh, he teased the hell out of me until I exploded in anger before he softened the blow. I also used to throw tantrums (think of it as a lot of hits and misses) at him as he, for the weirdest reason, felt like a safety blanket. It’s like he knew I’d never cross that invisible boundary of offense.

I panicked once when I saw him with swollen, red eyes, but never pried the reasons out of him. I never expected much because it wouldn’t get me anywhere. First, we are born under the same astrological sign (seeing that our birthdays are a day apart!!!). Second, we pretty much have the same wavelength and desire to maintain an aura of perfection in public. Third, based on what I’ve observed, we are from the same category of psychology. We don’t fancy small talk - but humor us with a topic that we love and you’ll never hear the end of it.

I’m not specifically sure what led to the breakdown of our friendship and I don’t know if I want to figure out the reasons. It has been years now; there’s no benefit in doing it. In fact, it’ll probably lead to me ripping apart the stitches that sealed the wound. With that being said, I have my suspicions. One of it is the reason why I carry a sense of guilt that things turned out this way. We never got so much of a chance to sit down and say goodbye to each other - properly. We let things degrade to such a stage where it was better off to burn the bridge that held our friendship. You see, I once hated and took offense with the actions that he took. After thinking about it back and forth, I came to the conclusion that there were reasons behind his decision to do what he did. That’s the one thing that I took away: true love will only come when your soul is ready and you need to understand the situation that someone is dealing with before you judge their decision.

Now that winter is fast approaching, something has been unlocked in me again. You know, the emotions sliding from good to bad and from bad to worse. That’s how I feel now. I’m not surprised if I’m on the downward spiral of emotional eating instead of eating only when I’m hungry. Although the IHL acquaintance said that it should be easier seeing that no legal research is needed, I’m not looking forward to the advocacy in DRE because it has the element that I have feared for the last four years: rebuttals. I’m not sharp or fast enough to object the opposing counsel’s questions on the grounds of irrelevance or leading questions.

But I guess it’s unavoidable - now that I’ve landed myself in this boat.

Friday, April 20, 2018

04/20/2018

Why my dreams are weirder nowadays, I’ve no idea.

The subconscious brought me straight to the middle of the scene, so here we go.

I dreamt that we were discussing how the course treated us while we dragged our feet out the door. We had initially agreed to share a place to offset the financial burden of paying rent since we were students doing similar degrees from the same batch. And we were away from home. We rushed out to get out to catch the bus in time for our Family Law tutorial, but I left my backpack in the house and had to return to grab it. After sending him off to the bus station, I ran home to get my bag and waited for the next available bus.

I was lucky in some ways that there were regular buses to campus from our place, but the schedule was screwed up for that day. When I arrived, that particular bus was just about to leave and I had to bang its window to stop the driver from driving off. The bus did not have many passengers (as always) when I boarded it. I took a seat in the middle and found myself facing an adult lady with shoulder-length black hair and in corporate wear.

I knew that there was little chance of me arriving on campus in time for class when we landed in the peak hour traffic. So, I messaged the housemate and informed him to keep an extra copy of his notes because I’ll get it off him instead.

In another scene, I dreamt that my sister and I were walking along the pier and breathing in the chilly air of the sea. We were heading towards the jetty when I noticed two of her friends and brought her attention to it. She said hello and I plastered a smile when our paths crossed with theirs, but they ignored us. It suited me fine because they don’t know who I am. She, on the other hand, found it odd with the change in behaviors, but I advised her to let it slide as there was no use in harping about it.

Now, I groaned to my sister about the content of the dream because we initially discussed a couple of times to share a place once we land ourselves with jobs in the same city - to offset the financial burden and maybe accompany each other, so to speak. For me to dream that I shared a place with him, and not her? It is odd. I mean, sure, it’d be fun if the three of us rented a house together but he and I, well, we never talked about it.

The part where we took Family Law was a tad bit shocking as well. He doesn’t exactly love the way that the course is structured, judging from what he mentioned about it. I was actually relieved that I had made the eleventh-hour decision last year to enroll in it (even though I had to delay the winter flight).

As for me knocking on the bus and boarding it, the online interpretation highlighted that I might also be at the stage where I’m going with the flow without the platform for me to stand out. That’s true. I’ve taken comfort in blending with the crowd rather than shining out with whatever talents or accomplishments that I have. In addition, there is an internal conflict between option A and option B. I’m not surprised; I personally would love to return to Subang after I’m done with my papers, give the graduation a miss, and find a legal job back home. But everyone around me (especially those two) wants me to remain in this state.

As for us walking at the pier, there are two meanings. First would be the desire of throwing the towel and hide from everyone whom I know until I’m more confident to deal with the crap around me. Everything has caved in and I’m silently drowning. Ask me how I am, and I’ll probably lie right through my teeth and convince you that I’m tired, but still surviving. The second, I’ll chalk it up to sister’s subconscious.

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

04/17/2018

I dreamt that we waited for our separate buses to head home after an outing somewhere. I don’t remember where we went, though. I thought I saw someone at the corner of my eye and turned to make sure that it was a human being I saw, not an apparition. Although his back faced me, his aura bore a familiar resemblance to someone. I poked my friend in the arm and told her about it. She agreed that it looked like the same person whom we knew - she even mentioned his name - except that his hair color was different and this person was taller than our acquaintance. Since I hadn’t seen the acquaintance in years, there might have been the possibility that he dyed his hair and sprouted like a bean sprout.

When I turned again to see if it was really him or just a doppelganger, the person vanished from the spot where he stood. I figured that it was most likely because he found the person or the bus whom he waited for. I was surprised to see him because he hadn’t crossed my mind for such a long time. I couldn’t dwell on it for long, though. The next thing I realized, my friend’s bus was making the turn around the corner. She was bidding me adieu before she waited for the bus to arrive at a stop.

I paced the floor while waiting for mine to come and gave up after an hour. I called Papa Carrie to collect me from the station. When he arrived, he brought me to this nearby restaurant that sold dim sum. I immediately recognized as a Taiwanese eatery because the lady boss spoke in Hokkien. On top of that, most of the diners spoke Taiwanese Mandarin.

I sort of had an idea about the meaning behind the dream the minute I woke up from it. I’d like to think that my subconscious is at the stage where it craves comfort but doesn’t want anyone to come close for the fear of scaring them with my dark side. Trust me, if you see the inner workings of my brain, you’ll either be weary or scared off. It’s also possible that the subconscious also wants to drop everything and take a trip to a place where I can be a tourist yet allow myself the time to recuperate from life’s challenges.

According to the online interpretation, it gave me another angle towards the dream. It suggested that there are changes to love and life. What it meant was that I’m starting to doubt the timing when my soulmate would make an entrance. My psyche wouldn’t recognize love when it sees it if the time is not right. I somehow know at the back of my mind that there is someone special in the horizon but indefinitely quarantined somewhere, lol. The dream might serve as a warning that the careful structure I’ve carved out for myself is about to take an unexpected turn - as a result of what, I can’t decipher.

Maybe it’s love.

Maybe it’s job opportunities out of Adelaide.

Monday, April 16, 2018

Let the rain wash away all the pain

With the wind blowing and the beautiful music permeating my ears, I know that I could have thrown my head back and smile at the momentary peace I feel - but for the fact that I was on a balcony and didn’t want to take my chances. For someone who doesn’t like the cold and would give everything up for a higher humidity, me wanting the cool air is rather ironic. My best guess is that it means something else. Maybe it’s the subconscious desire of wanting to let go or to let someone else take charge for a second while I rest from the inner battles.

As I sat in the foyer of law school and watched students rushing into the building to seek shelter from the rain, this sent me into dangerous territories. I’m not one who likes rain and I’m not sure if it’s related to my horoscope or it’s just me as a whole. That being said, I don’t hate it because I understand its importance to farmers and for the water reservoir. There wouldn’t be any continual supply of water without it.

I just wanted to retreat into my shell and quietly ride out the storm indoors. I still remember that episode in college. It was one of those gloomy days, but it suddenly rained like cats and dogs. We were all huddled on the 6th floor during the 3-hour downpour, either waiting for it to come to a stop or silently cursing at the rude interruption. I, on the other hand, was alone in the smaller room (where the management rented to an MMA trainer after-hours) and stared at the raindrops on the window with a takeaway cup of coffee in my hand.

Rain just makes me reflect on the mistakes and regrets of my life. It opened my eyes to something that I never knew I had in me, which is the ability to feel connected with the weather.

Elder Park/River Torrens

Adelaide Riverbank
I don’t remember feeling emotionally affected by rain before college. It was always the inconvenience that I felt during the thunderstorm because the lightning will trip the switchboard and you know what happens next. We have to wait until the end of the storm before we can deal with the switchboard. My discomfiture only started somewhere during my first semester of college - where I subconsciously associated all of the bad memories with the gloomy weather. It works like a switch; the minute the clouds make their presence known, it will make me sad for no apparent reason. I would hide under the cape of my hoodie and pray that no one notices my presence.

The Carrie version of Bak Kut Teh (肉骨茶)
I have no idea why I did what I did, but I made myself a large pot of bak kut teh (pork rib soup) and shared it with the two musketeers. I guess it gave us a good opportunity to touch base with the assignments and make sure that everyone is doing okay. Let’s just say that when the three of us hang out in a private corner, all the boundaries and inhibitions are thrown out of the window. We also have the tendency of branching into topics that we wouldn’t dare speak of us in public. There is the talk of travel, but knowing our divergent schedules, if we want to fly to an agreed place together, we’d have to start planning it the moment we graduate and find ourselves a job. Not to mention, anything can happen from now until the predictive date of travel.

Something in the aura changed and I found myself being painfully aware and reminded of what I lost. I should be suppressing the memories of that person and hope that it’ll fade away with time, but maybe that’s the reason why it’s resurfacing after being dormant for so many years. My subconscious wants to purge this out of its system before I move on to the next chapter of my life. Your jaw may slam to the floor with the revelation, but I guess by me still being able to experience the pain after all these years, it means that I’m still capable of emotions. I can’t help but wonder what will happen the moment I am unable to feel anything. No happiness. No sadness. No anger. Just a neutral lackadaisical attitude.

The perfectionist in me has started to overload her plate - again. With the addition of a mentoring program, I know that there wouldn’t be much time for me to take a breather but I know that I’m able to reap some benefits with the close, frequent contact with the mentor. I can’t complain as the real world is busier than this. A minimum 40 hour week with no guarantees that you’ll have the weekend to catch up with your own things. There are, sometimes, the requirement to stay back in the office to finish the paperwork or bring them home to deal with them and only sleeping late at night before repeating the cycle the next day. That’s just your average workplace. If you talk about the high-pressure ones like law and medicine, the hours spent on work is way more than you can imagine.

The weird dream that I had isn't helping with the situation either. I'll write more about the context in another post.

Saturday, April 14, 2018

4/14/18

I’m more confused than I have ever been … and it’s not the job searches that is the cause. Not even the desire to find a resting place for my weary heart. Oh, if only you could spend a day in my brain. You’ll be groggy from all the little scenarios that play out in my head. It instead feels like I’m in the middle of the street, keeping an eye out for that one piece of valuable item. I know it’s there somewhere, but I can’t see it. My vision’s blurred by the obstacles that are placed in my path towards it and I don’t know if I want to take the risk to overcome it as I approach that item. What I see instead is the reminders of what once was and what I left behind.

I also feel that my heart has been stirred by something that I never expected. I have a rough idea of the nature of it, but I’m not allowing myself the chance to acknowledge it. Maybe it’s because I’ve been surrounded by specks of it lately - or maybe not. To acknowledge it means I’m allowing myself to fall into a trap that shattered a friendship when I was seventeen. It would probably mess with my graduation plans as it might derail everything that I have laid out for myself, but we’ll see whether my suspicions would be proven accurate.

It’s somewhat related to something that I’ve insinuated before… and I’m worried about making more sacrifices when I am unsure of what the future will bring. There’s a sense of discomfort that I’ve never experienced on that scale. For someone like me to feel that way means something is definitely up. It’s like the unresolved dispute between me and that person have caught up and now tormenting me. I don’t want to be forced to make a decision out of a reasonable reliance on someone’s words or promise again.

I knew what I wanted and needed to make the final year as bearable as possible because it would be months away from the finishing line. Well, guess what happened after the summer break? Not only am I suppressing my truest emotions towards people - people who claim to be friends but flee the minute I need them, those dreams of mine are slipping through the cracks of my fingers. I’m losing hope that it will come to fruition and make me the happiest person on Earth. I’m losing the drive to push further and make the best out of the cards I have been dealt with.

It feels like I’m on a tightrope. One wrong move would send me falling to my death … figuratively. It’s not that dramatic, but more along the lines of me revisiting the dark abyss, which I’m not interested to do any time soon.

Sunday, April 8, 2018

Silent Hurt

I am now surprised at the way things have turned out.

Ever since I commenced the degree, I had stayed away from all kinds of strenuous exercise because I didn’t want to be reminded of what I missed. Those weekend activities followed by a late breakfast/early lunch at the favorite joint. Now that I’m in my final year, it has brought back the desire to take up running as an exercise again. You see, I used to be an avid runner in elementary school, but I slowly gave it up as I rose through the ranks of my educational journey before I completely turned my back on it in college.

I know that I’ll be limping the next day with sore legs and aching arms (don’t ask me why; it has always happened like that), but I believe that it’s just the process of returning to something you have never done in years - and I’ll adapt to it in some way or another. It took me this to realize that it silently bled the stamina that I once had. I’m okay with walking long-distance as long as I have a bottle of water or if the weather is bearable, but I can’t run or even jog for long. With that being said, it’s good that I’m slowly picking up from where I left off. The campus has two parks within the 1km radius, which is good in some ways because it provides some variation in planning the route.

You might call me crazy, but I love the way I move to the rhythm of the music blasting through the headphones while I run. It keeps my mind sane and I find myself concentrating on my breathing. Not only does it allow me to think things through, the fresh air also clears my congested mind and leaves me with a better mood to tackle the workload … and people.

Swan Lake, Perth, Western Australia

There is one reason why I’d prefer to exercise in the morning. Sunsets and bright stars always remind me of a particular person. There was never a conflict or dispute between us; we just drifted away from each other and essentially burned the bridge that held our friendship intact. If I were to exercise during sunsets or at night, I know that I’ll be worse off. He loved the peace that sunset and the bright stars radiate. He loved lying on his back to watch the stars above him and allow his thoughts to run away after a stressful day. Although it has been such a long time, I just don’t know if I can cope exposing myself to such a risk.

When I exercised on Easter Monday, I found myself thinking about another person. We left on a sour note. I know that there was a conflict between us, but I can’t remember what caused it: was it the existence of a third party? Or was it out of jealousy? The years have since passed and I’m not sure if I want to revisit the past. There is no guarantee that I’ll be able to find the answers I want and give him the closure that he would have needed in the beginning. I would not blame him for the decisions that he made (including the one where it involved dropping me like hot potato) and instead respect for it. His happiness and wellbeing were what I silently wanted for him anyway.

It would be unfair for the both of us if I were to prod the wound with a stick and subject myself to the unknown once again - but for the weirdest reasons, he has been in my thoughts. I wonder whether he is doing okay. Whether he has found happiness. Whether he has found the solitude that he needed. Maybe it’s because I might be visiting familiar territories again and am worried that history would repeat itself. I don’t want the things that occurred between us to happen again - because I know that I’m largely responsible for it and can’t handle hurting another person in the same manner again.

On a side note, that particular band was his favorite. In hindsight, it was to my advantage that we loved different songs produced by them. If we loved the same songs, I’d be screwed by now. It’d be a torture to listen to them again because all it would do is remind me of him and how badly I hurt him.
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