Now that I’m hiding somewhere for my escape, I feel that I know what I want with a clearer mind. It is as if I know how to execute my plans without the slightest hesitation. Everything seems to fall into place now. My heart doesn’t yearn for much with the knowledge that my departure will be a matter of time.
Since nobody understands the rationale behind my decisions, I figured that it’s better to prepare for that day in advance. I’m drawing back, so as to let everyone around me get used to my absence. It forces me to be independent since the decision to study in Adelaide changed me in ways that I didn’t expect. I no longer look at people’s positive side. Rather, I assume that they are bad. I’ll let their actions disprove my presumption with supporting evidence. If my suspicions are proven accurate, at least the pain won’t be tough to swallow. You could say that it’s similar to the reverse onus of proof theory.
The whole idea about high distinctions and competitiveness has left me undone. I’m not the type who pays much attention to HDs because I know that it’s not achievable for me. I can’t subject myself to that kind of pressure as the greater the hope, the deeper the disappointment. But it leaves me in a sensitive manner. Whenever there is a talk about GPA, I will fade out and ignore the conversation. I was never competitive and I highly doubt that I’ll change.
We’ll see what happens in the next ten months or so, sigh.