Exchanges of emotions

And so, the carpet was pulled from beneath my feet and knocked me off-balance. I don’t have much cushion on my back, so landing with all of my weight on it can be a tad bit painful. But I’ll be fine. Just let me hug my knees closer to my chest and enjoy a moment’s worth of silence while I’m here.

*rests my exhausted head on my knees*

A hideout away from those prying eyes

A part of me wasn’t surprised that it ended this way. There were indications of it months before the news was broken. Even weeks beforehand. Maybe it’s for the best that it turned out this way. Being exposed to countless stress amplified by the aftereffects of the virus lingering in the background had done its part of sending me in circles. What was frozen is now melted at a faster rate where there isn’t much time to work with.

No matter how affected I am, there’s a stronger sense of acceptance and peace rather than annoyance at it. You could say that it’s because I expected it to happen. You could also say that there’s relief on my part, which is true. The news came as a sudden to everyone that a couple of them have asked whether i’m okay and how i’m coming to terms with it. The truth is, it won’t alter the outcome even if I were to throw a ton’s worth of fuss. It’s all part and parcel of life, where there are lessons at every curve for us to learn and hopefully implement in the next stage.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not upset or anything like that.

How could I be when I have anticipated it?

It’s resulted in something unexpected, though: my tendency to further keep a distance from everyone around me. Before all this mess, I’ve already stayed an arm’s length away to avoid being reminded of what I’ve dropped to become who I am today and of what could have been if certain things didn’t screw me over. My good friend and sister have no inkling about this because of the geographical distance between us. And this is the one part that still pains me whenever I catch myself thinking about it. My brain still remembers the look in their eyes on the eve of my flight - and it’s not what I’d want to see again: hearts were broken with tears being shed. The fire of happiness being extinguished by the dark. (So much so that I cried my eyes out while at the boarding gate until I wore the look of someone restless. In front of others, I’ve the aura of a strong girl who’s never allowed anything to break my resolve. To those who know me well enough to read me through and through, they see another side of me that I’ve kept relatively hidden from public view.) 

At least I’m able to take a chill pill and allow my emotions to recover from all of the beatings while smelling the fresh air. I’ve ignored my innermost wellbeing to cope with the stressors for the past year, so now would be the best time for me to tend to it before it worsens.