Thursday, January 5, 2017

Have I changed?

Great, I cracked the entire screen of my iPad when it slipped from my hands and crash-landed on the carpeted floor with a thud. Oh, how awesome my purse would feel when it’s time to send it to the Apple technician for repairs. I’m leaving it as it is because I don’t have the extra dough to spend and I’ve to remind myself to be more cautious with electronics.

Maybe someone’s right; my psyche’s possessed by extreme exhaustion. It feels like I’m on autopilot at times because I can’t elaborate on some of the things I’m doing and my concentration levels are at an all-time low. A part of me is nudging me to seek help or, at least, an explanation for the peculiarity yet I can’t form the words to describe my feelings.

Put it this way, I don’t believe that anyone will be able to understand things from my perspective. Believe me when I say that I’ve given voice to my thoughts, but the other person’s reply and reaction made me believe otherwise. It convinced me that it’s for my own good if I remained reticent or isolate myself when I’m not interested to deal with humans. 2016 has led to personality changes, I’m sure. I remember looking forward to starting university life as a sophomore and spending quality time with Criminal Law. Bumpy turns here and there later, my patience ran thin and I found myself pretending to be alright when I wanted out by second semester. Now, if you lay the option of hanging out with friends or dating books (including textbooks) indoors, I’ll take the latter option in a heartbeat. From the looks of it, 2017 will be a chaotic year - where I’m attempting to strive harder for academic excellence while suppressing my true emotions underneath the layers of faux exuberance. As I’ve spoken about this before, I’ll leave the pen here.

In less than 2 months time, it’s a crazy run to the finishing line - yet I’ve second thoughts about it. I mean, I’m officially past the halfway mark and am more than relieved about it but I don’t know if I can accomplish all of these silent goals by graduation. Because I don’t have external assistance, I’d rather grit my teeth than to ask and work my way through the mess. (I call it ‘mess’ because all of the answers are buried somewhere in the case studies or prescribed readings.) Throw the requirement for a clerkship (read: an internship with a law firm) on top of that, sigh. Speaking of which, if any one of you, my readers, happen to know any legal firms in Adelaide, who are looking for interns, it’d be awesome and appreciated if you could send the details over.

Academic matters aside, I honestly need to pay more attention to my emotional well-being, especially after the unexpected visit from the pelicans. If my paws are continuously on the accelerator, I’ll eventually collapse from the stress with two consequences: either I’m down with a total nervous breakdown and a definite appointment with the psychiatrist or I’ll be force-fed with food to the point of regurgitating all of the contents into the toilet bowl when I see the family friends again.

Neither of which should happen.

Much to my disappointment, the flight home did nothing to alleviate the anxiety or stress. It did the opposite - in fact, it worsened my emotions to the point where my eyes burnt with tears when the plane left the runway. It was as if I didn’t want to return to Adelaide and I actually know the real reason why, but would rather keep it private - between myself and God.

And until I’m feeling much better, I’ll see you when I do.


  1. Breathe in, breathe out. Pause and make a list of all of the things you are grateful for. You are a talented lady and have much to offer the world. I believe in you. You will get through this too.

    1. Thank you for the kind compliment, Yum List. I wouldn't dare say that I'm talented (just yet). That's what I've been doing - I'm reminding myself that I am luckier in a variety of circumstances. I know that I'm feeling exhausted because I've not accorded myself a proper rest, but the perfectionist side in me would rather settle everything than seek help or delegate the teamwork. I wouldn't know; the exhaustion could be the result of being homesick, which is weird because I've been returning to KL annually. People usually suffer from homesickness when they've first landed in a foreign land, not some years later. Oh well.

  2. it sounds like 2017 will be a real challenge to get through unscathed for you. but rest is definitely crucial - the more exhausted you feel, the less capable you'll be of confronting the challenges effectively. hopefully in march, you'll be able to reset ...

    1. It will be, Sean, and I'm not exactly looking forward to the challenges, but it's all part of life. That's why people said that there's no gain when there's no pain. I know that exhaustion is a vicious cycle, but when I try to rest, I'll remember that there's something else that I'll need to do. =/ Based on what I've read online, I could be suffering from emotional exhaustion/anxiety, but then again, nothing will be concrete unless I visit the counsellor.

  3. You're putting wayyyyyyyy too much thought on a cracked screen. Sucks, but... it happens. Hardly the end of the world. Relax lah...

    Although, you mentioned carpeted floor. Must have fell from a very specific angle. Should have gone to buy lottery on that day if you ask me. :P

    1. Well, that's because it'll be pricey for me to replace it - and it wouldn't matter much if I change it in the Apple Store or Machines, CL. =( You see, I wasn't thinking straight when I smashed Papa Carrie's personal laptop and the side of the iPad much earlier. That's why I associated an exhausted brain with incidents like this.

      It landed smack dead on the middle of the screen, sigh. I did buy a lottery ticket, tapi tak kena lah. =/


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