Monday, August 21, 2017

To do or not to do, that's the question

It’s only Week 5 of the semester … and I honestly feel like I’ve bitten off more than I can chew with the placement of tutorials. Or maybe I’ve arrived at the stage where I’m forced out of my comfort zone. You know it spells disaster for a perfectionist when she feels inept and incapable of doing anything right. Nope, I’m not whining - just stating an obvious fact about me. I’d rather divert the complaints into the hauntingly emotional songs that I love. It’s not just that; I’m easily agitated and annoyed to the point where I’m not keen in spending more time on campus (unless it’s necessary, such as group projects/meetings or extra classes to catch up on the course content).

The recent holiday exposed a lot of uncertainties in my future plans that I’ll need to resolve asap. I’m having second thoughts about staying back for a postgraduate in creative writing. Someone will be happier than the shining lights if I do. More chances of spending time together. But my heart wants to leave. It wants to let the brain recover from the continuous pressures that I’ve subjected it to. At the rate I’m going, I don’t even know if I want to continue with the creative writing degree. No matter how much I love creative arts, stress will impede the creative flow. Looking at my current state of mind, I don’t think being a barrister could be a viable option either. I mean, the advocacy that I did as part of the course last semester left me wailing under the weather. Imagine if it has to be done on a professional basis. Barristers have to persuade the judge with their arguments that are referenced to statutes and case law. Something that I’m not a 100% confident in. You see, the last I debated with an acquaintance - in English class - in Taylor’s, emotions were thrown into the mix. I understand that it’ll be good to continue with the chambering, but the lights are dimming on it. It’s not helping my case that I’ve a couple more months before final year rolls around. And scaring me with the prospects of entering the workforce in a foreign place.

Should I be relieved? Yes and no. I can’t wait to be done, that’s for sure. My studies have definitely caused some personality changes. But in the event that things don’t go as planned, what am I to do? Rot under the sun and curse my luck? I’m a firm believer in that action will lead to changes. Not complaints. Just not sure if it’s true anymore.

Should I be apprehensive? A resounding yes. A lot is at stakes now. Miss one step - and it won’t just be me landing on my face in tears. (Okay, that could be an overstatement, but it is a possibility.) It’ll be my GPA who’ll accompany me this time. I must’ve buried my intelligence and common sense somewhere in the Malaysian soil before my university studies. Otherwise, I wouldn’t feel like I’m a stupid child running head first into an obstacle. A sign that I’m not in the right environment?

Believe it or not, the fact that I’ve crammed my Tuesdays with tutorials has upped my stress levels. It’s on the verge of testing my patience. I’m okay with the chosen courses, but it’s the timing that I’ve an issue with now. If someone warned me right after Administrative Law that things will slide at a rapid level and test my patience to the maximum, I’d have heeded the advice and approach penultimate year with caution. Can’t cry over spilt milk, can I? The only way around it to take the bull by its horns and ride with it.

From the way I look at it, this arrangement has led me to jump head-first into a sinkhole and a divine arrangement in more ways than one. Us breathing the same air again is not a mere coincidence - when it’s happened before and repeatedly. Truth be told, I think we’re exhausted from seeing each other’s faces all the time. It’ll be a matter of time before we snap each other’s necks in irritation. No wonder they said to be careful with what you wish for - because the opposite can happen instead.

And it did, sigh.


  1. :(

    It sounds like semester is in full swing for you and the workload just keeps coming and coming. Time away can certainly make us reevaluate what we've been doing: a different environment to unwind, we get to take a step back from the madness and work out - feel - what's important to us. Having second thoughts about doing something you've worked so hard in, your creative writing side of the degree, sounds like a very challenging time. This reminds me of the time when I did a media communications based degree and internship as part of my undergraduate and post-graduate studies. I was hell bent on pursuing a career in the media, in behind-the-scenes production. At that time, that was the career that spoke to me for my whole life.

    At some point after my degree I realised that I didn't actually love media enough to continue to do it. This feeling came about after trying a few other paths - blogging, number crunching, data analysis, behavioural insights, office monkey, and more. It made me realise that only when you have gone out there, tried and experienced, then you will truly find out what speaks to you. Fast forward to today - I am awfully surprised where I ended up in terms of work, and so do many of my high school and university friends. That said, there are some people who know right off bat what they are meant to do and are actually good at it - I think those are the lucky ones.

    Your post ended on a quite a sad note from the sounds of it. 'I think we’re exhausted from seeing each other’s faces all the time.' Now that I'm working and working in a good environment, I never get exhausted seeing the same people over and over. Sure, some people day in and day out get on my nerves but when they are gone or when they don't want to have anything to do with you, you begin to wonder where you stand.

    If you need anything, I am always here for you. Just a convo or a message away :)

    1. The assignments are rolling one after another, but I can’t complain much because this was the result of the electives that I chose. I’m just not sure what is important to me anymore: I’m stuck between moving on with the legal training or the post grad in creative writing, yet the added stress is there. I guess I’m lucky that I enrolled in a single degree (Law) instead of a double degree (Law and Creative Writing) in more ways than one. I used to envision that a career in criminal law would be the best for me (I still do, but I’m not sure if it’s worth the late nights spent on case briefs and preparing for the long trials).

      ‘It made me realise that only when you have gone out there, tried and experienced, then you will truly find out what speaks to you.’ - I definitely agree with you on this. I did consider doing an elective in Media Arts, if I was given a chance, but after having a feel of it in college, I decided that it wasn’t exactly worth it. Don’t get me wrong; I loved my class and the teacher was a sweet gentleman, but it’s the time factor. I don’t mind pursuing a career in blogging, but I know that it’ll involve a lot of back-breaking work and the income is not guaranteed unless your name’s already out there in the blogosphere. What speaks to me is actually writing and acting, to be honest. But we’ll see where that will take me.

      ‘That said, there are some people who know right off bat what they are meant to do and are actually good at it - I think those are the lucky ones.’ - Oh yes, you remind me of a time in elementary school when the teacher asked us about our aspirations. I remember that two friends and I wrote that we wanted to be a lawyer when we grow up. As it turns out, the other two followed their hearts and landed in architecture and medicine, respectively. I’m the only one who found herself doing law, lol.

      I’ll be candor; some of the segments in this post are sad because that’s what I’m feeling at the moment. I keep crashing harder than I expected and watching the folks around me serves as a reminder that I may have bitten off more than I can chew. I don’t mind having the same tutorials with familiar faces, but there’s actually a backstory in that last paragraph. It’s something that I’ll message you privately at a more convenient time. By the time I manage to get this reply posted, it’ll be in the wee hours of the morning. And I don’t want to wake you up either. =/ I guess I’ll take up on your offer sometime, Mabel. =)


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