Thursday, July 26, 2018

What you see is not what you get

After spending almost four years on this degree, it has made me contemplate things that I shouldn’t. I would like to think that my emotional absence is the cause of all the premature decisions that I made, which incited the murky situation that I am now living in. But I highly doubt that it is the predominant cause of everything. It would take more than an emotional absence to cause it; it would take something like a loss of faith - a loss of trust, even.

I am exasperated at everything that has occurred, but it’s not like I’ll let it spill onto my face. What I’m experiencing is only for me to resolve. I’m not in the favor of having my vulnerabilities used against me by people who don’t have my best interests at heart. And who those people I can trust remains unknown - even until now. Personally, if you ask me, I don’t feel like anyone would be able to understand the stories that live in the depths of my heart. Even though others may say that they are able to understand or even empathize, it is impossible unless they have suffered from a similar predicament or experienced something similar. I’ve also noticed that people would only help others when they themselves are able to reap benefits from it, although I understand that there are exceptions to this. The question is whether you are able to decipher who’s there for the long-haul from the start. Who’s there for who you are, and not what you are.

External factors have turned me into someone hardened by her emotions. Someone who hates her life but not to the extent where she is ready to end it all. But someone who wants to call it quits and move to a place where no one knows her instead. She wants to start over to allow her heart to recuperate from the negative emotions, silent stress, and the dark side of living. Although I still look like the same child, the same well-mannered Sagittarius, I’m not who I once was. I don’t feel the same either and am desperately holding on to the little resolute and determination I now have. I know that it sounds shocking to most of my college friends because I’ve somehow adopted the aura of confidence and feigned that life is peachy. Because no one’s life is perfect. Everyone’s life comes with humps and bumps that we must conquer if we want to move ahead in life. But still, the reason why I’m tormented in my dreams is because I have placed the interests of others before mine to make them happy, even though it continuously bleeds me.

I don’t know what I’ll do once the resolute and determination slips through the cracks of my fingers.

Would my worst nightmare of throwing the towel and ending it all happen?

Would I turn out to be my own worst nightmare? Stoic. Incapable of trust. Seeing the worst in people from the outset. Chasing even the closest people away and keeping an arm’s length from them.

We all have our own regrets. It’s just whether we choose to speak of it or swallow it with a pinch of salt and force ourselves to continue with the next chapter of our lives. I know people who have chosen either option - and the ones who are artificially happy fall under the latter category. There is nothing like being on the go for almost 24/7 to take one’s mind off the regrets. Or at least that’s what I feel.

What’s getting weird for me is the occurrence of a particular person in my dreams. I can’t remember the exact content of it (it’s hard when you are half-conscious and dying from lack of sleep), but it involved my college friend and the loss of a decayed tooth. Now, I never fancied dreams where I lose teeth because it does not carry a positive undertone. It means that I’m full of anxiety and hesitant of the unknown - again and over again. Dreaming of him, well, I guess I know the reason behind it, but I’ll leave it for us - me and him - to resolve it among ourselves. But one thing is for sure; the movie that I watched in-flight is not the precursor of the recent dream. Now, that person and I, we were never in a relationship but in a state of love-hate friendship. It makes me smirk when I reflect on this because a lot of the signs were there, presented to me on a plate with invisible dishes. Yet, I chose not to acknowledge it because I sort of knew what would have occurred if I accepted it. I can tell you straight-up what would’ve ensued if we both took the plunge and disregarded our fears and hesitation. I’ll speak for myself only because I’ve no idea what his thoughts are. Let’s just say that there would have been happiness intertwined with hurt as the obstacles would be way greater than first thought of. Truth be told, half of it actually exists in most relationships. Happiness because he’s one of those friends who seem to know me better than myself. Reads me like a book - or he reasonably does try to. In short, just like what a brother would do. Hurt because it’d have transcended into a long-distance relationship, one that I’m unable to do. Tears would be shed at the departure hall. Lots of phone calls and text messages. A heavy heart.

But then again, our weird interaction has degraded into something similar to awkwardness. It’d be much better for us to remain in the current state, especially since I’m in the final semester of a degree that has challenged everything I have held close to me. My mental state. My physical health. The way my social life has taken a backseat. The change of approach and outlook towards life. And more.

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