Monday, February 17, 2014

Why? WHY?!


Amidst the workload I am having now, I managed to take the time out and pen this rather random post that's going to sound like I'm ranting.

Honestly speaking, what mess did I land myself into?

I still remember promising my close friends that I'll try my utmost best not to allow myself to fall down the dangerous path of last semester's. The thing now is that I feel like I'm going to explode in a wave of anger, especially with what I am facing on a daily basis. I know there's something called time management and balance and I really wish that it's the assignments sending my temper flaring, but sadly, it's not that.

On one hand, I want to achieve the high grades (no thanks to the universities' requirements and last semester's final average, which leaves me looking like this: =.=" every time I think back on it) but on the other hand, the further I push myself, the worse I feel - emotionally and physically. It's pretty much like playing the yo-yo. The harder you throw it onto the ground, the more force it returns with.

I never intended on heading up to the lounge after my Law class today because not only do I feel like I don't belong there anymore, there's always a wave of tension rising in me whenever I enter. In fact, I actually planned on shooting down to Coffee Bean for a breath of fresh air before the skeleton activity but I already bought cappuccino in the morning. Hell if I am going to buy a second serving and have a third serving of caffeine at home with ice-cream.

Please don't get me wrong. It's not because the juniors have taken over the place and sent the seniors scattering elsewhere or because my Law classmate has taken possession of the couch. Nah, he'll let me crash there if I plead with him. He's not that mean. No, it's not that and never will be.

I'm just not in the liberty of publicly elaborating on it because it will slice someone's heart if she reads this - and she will, one way or another.

I'm really not sure what has taken hold of me today.

For no apparent reason, I keep banging into the chairs in my classrooms and on campus and at the nearby San Francisco Coffee. The tears even threatened to flow down my cheeks when I was listening to Steve Chou's Sunset (it's a Mandarin song) and I was taking time out with a friend at that time before my next class. I've made a pact with myself that I will never let myself cry if I have to attend classes after the episode.

Even as I'm staring at the computer screen, writing this while waiting for the Media Arts videos to load (for tomorrow's test on Illustrator) and listening to a mixture of religious and non-religious songs, I'm really exasperated with the way things have turned out.

I wanted a fun, enjoyable second semester and not a mundane, morose first semester, man.

P.S. Sorry for the infrequent posts. Between assignments and my extra-curricular things, the free time that I have, I'd rather spend it sprawled on the couch to "Revenge" or "NCIS" or even sleep.


  1. I can understand that...sometimes I used to tune the world out by watching TV series too. Hope that everything is better for you now. *hugs*

    1. *hugs back*

      It's not getting better at the moment, Huai Bin, especially when I'm taking another round of heavy subjects this semester (one Social Science and two Arts). =/ But as long as I'm getting enough sleep, it should all be fine. =)


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