By the way, I apologize for such a lengthy post. It’s not very often that the word count for my posts would exceed 1k words.
On a peaceful, cool night like this, it's really good to open YouTube in a separate web browser and listen to the music of 1960s to 1970s to bring the hyperactive mind to a standstill. I would always imagine myself standing on the balcony, nursing a glass of Merlot and contemplating on life while relaxing to the fresh air. With my head thrown back and eyes closed, I'm shedding light into the dark thoughts.
I don't like the fact that it's taken me half the semester to find my ground in criminal law. I'm supposed to have enjoyed the course from the get-go - like the chap from my property law seminar. Yup, as if fate couldn't have been meaner, we're stuck with seeing each other's faces again - for criminal law and another course.
Unlike him, I've been struggling to find my place in criminal law, sigh.
It's ironic when you come to think of it. This is where my interest in law was built on. I'm sure I gave my teacher in second grade a fright when I wrote that my childhood ambition was to be a criminal law barrister, lol. I don't think she was able to associate the seriousness of a lawyer with the bespectacled, cute me. I've always wanted to dabble in criminal law since young yet it's taken me this long to be comfortable.
What can I say? I've already bitten off more than I can chew - when I swapped the core course with the electives - and nothing can undo the decisions that I've since made. I'm not saying that I regret it; what I'm saying is that it's forced me to address some buried issues prematurely. (I'm not going to elaborate more on it because it's making my breath faster and my hands shaky.)
By the virtue of me expediting the learning of criminal law, there is a possibility that my good friend and I might be in the same arts elective next year. With that being said, I don't want to impose this on him as I don't think he even remembers mentioning about this last year. (Though if I may add, he was rather disappointed that I chose a different elective than originally intended.)
But we'll have to see how that plays out. It's too far into the future to tell, especially since we're not a 100% sure on the electives that we're after. For all I know, I kind of promised the course coordinator for Legal Theory that I'll enroll in his class next year.
There are a couple more weeks left in the semester and I'm unsure if I should be neutral or worried about the final papers. The exam timetable has been released, which means that I need to take a peek at it as soon as possible - so that I'll know where to begin my revisions. Passing should be alright, but knowing me, I won't settle for a minimum pass. It won't look good on the transcript either, trust me. This in turn creates a huge dilemma for me.
On one hand, I obviously crave to attain a high grade (in fact, all students want that elusive HD, I'm sure) and be in the zone that accompanied me for the entire duration of second semester in college, but it is risky business.
I'll probably tumble down the mountainous cliff before I'm even aware of it.
On the other hand, I know it's impossible to aim for that without sacrificing my mental state of mind. I've the bad habit of bursting into tears when my results are lower than what I wanted - or even expected. Oh, trust me, I'm not as intelligent as I sound or look. That's why I've learned not to hope for the skies for the fear of a greater disappointment. The emotions can take quite a beating when that occurs.
Unlike some folks around me, I don't have any external assistance or experiences to lessen the effects or pressures that have been silently building up on me. I dislike talking about it because it'll make it sound like I'm whining, so the best is to be reticent - but it's beginning to sow the seeds of doubt, fear and anger in me (refer to this post).
This could possibly be the matter that Mr. Y warned me about, but there's an invisible barrier between me and my academic success. It's making me angrier than usual because it's taking a toll on my brain and emotions... and I hate feeling lost like a deer in the woods or even worse, vulnerable.
(No one has broken my heart; it's just that I found the melody relaxing enough to soothe the exhausted heart and mind.)
You can safely assume that the above is the reason why I'm more than happy being left alone now. Sure, it may feel lonely, but being with people won't make much of a change. I'll spare you with the details because it might create an impression that I'm borderline depressive (when I'm sure I'm nowhere near that yet), but plainly said, I'm tired of wearing a happy facade. I can't let the true me emerge - at least not until I'm with the right people, if you know what I mean?
Even then, allowing them to see the weaker side of me takes a whole lot of trust.
I'm actually looking forward to a well-deserved break after the exams. I need to recharge the batteries and allow the mind a chance to recuperate from the stress I've been punishing myself with. If you have seen that I've completely vanished from Facebook and Twitter at that time, you know that I'm seeking shelter in the cold yet loving arms of winter and finding my mojo again. Don't get me wrong, I still have the love-hate relationship with winter because I will lucidly remember things that I shouldn't.
Speaking of winter, it feels like it has made an early arrival. The clouds decided to share its emotions a couple of days and splashed its tears on the unsuspecting humans. The wind that joined in its sadness made it worse.