Saturday, November 19, 2016

Exhausted Thoughts

I don’t want to believe it yet I know I have to.

I was never able to listen to a particular song - not naming it publicly because of its sensitivity - because it would tear me to shreds. Yet, the emotional lyrics now resonate with me. Maybe I’m weary of wearing the mask of strength and independence. I’ll admit that I crave the stability and familiarity that the past once afforded. The practical side is lucid that there’s no way of living in the present if there’s continuous temptation to return to the past.

You may wonder why today’s post carries such an emotional tone. The truth is, I’m bushed - exhausted of tripping over obstacles thrown my way as I scale the mountainous path, be it personal goals or academic success. Yet, I force myself to continue with the journey because there’s no turning back.

Decisions made.

Time spent.

If I pull the plug now, all my previous efforts would be wasted.

The truth is it’s getting tougher to hang on to the rocky cliffs of my journey. I’ve made the conscious decision, even in the shroud of stress, to hide the emotional feelings from among my friends. For me, the detriments outweigh the benefits. I’m not suggesting that one should suppress their feelings. It’s precarious to do so. What I’m expressing is that it depends on the circumstances and who you confide it. For my case, it could expose me to risks that I’m unwilling to undertake although my good friends would fight tooth and nail to get me to spill like an open pack of M&M’s. I know them; they’d rather cry and curse with me than to let me face it alone. The action of confiding is done in good faith and I don’t know whether I’m still capable of trusting anyone.

So there you go.

Trust issues combined with an accumulation of stress.

Ask me anything, I’ll speak.

Ask me about personal and academic matters, I’ll recoil on the defensive.

It's better for me to blend in with the crowd rather than shine. It's easier said than done in the environment that I'm in. As a Sagittarius, when I want something, it will take a lot to persuade me otherwise. That lands me in a cauldron of unwanted matters, which I've slightly insinuated in one of the previous posts. I'm sure that the main reason why it occurred was because of my inability to remain under the radar.

Let me explain myself.

While I'd rather keep my opinions to myself, I find it arduous to sit back with a packet of popcorns and watch other homo sapiens have a piece of the pie. It's been ingrained in me since college that I'll never let anyone label me as an underdog without fighting against the currents. We're all equally created and our only difference is the way we plan our life's journey - with only a pair of hands and a brain as our tools. Sure, if there's no sacrifice thrown into the fireplace, you won't appreciate the rewards. It makes sense; you need to experience hardship before you appreciate success. That, I understand - but not to the extent where you're both unable to reap what you sow and under the weather.

Maybe a vacation to the lovely refuge would do some soul good - only if the exchange rate can be improved, ugh.


  1. You've hit a key point here - you're tired. Exhausted. Our not so positive emotions have a way of finding their way in when we're at our most vulnerable. Take care of your health please.

    1. Mentally and physically exhausted, Yum List. I know that if I'm not careful, this could snowball into something bigger and more severe. =/

      I promise I'll take care of my health - it must've been the work of constantly pressuring myself for nothing but the best.

  2. The only thing they keep saying is, when in doubts, do as your heart dictates, because you don't want to have any regrets when the time comes... :/

    1. Easier said than done, CL. Don't get me wrong, I'm not having regrets - am just annoyed/pissed that the external and internal pressures are overwhelming me. =/

  3. it's especially challenging when so many of us find ourselves tired 90 percent of the time. and when exhaustion hits, it really hits. take care, and hope you get the rest and relief you need.

    1. I've to agree with you, Sean. I believe that I've been continuously on the go that I've forgotten how to relax. It hits with such an impact that it takes your breath away. Either that, or it incites a nervous breakdown. I should be much better once the academic results have been released and I'm back in the loving arms of nature.

  4. As The Yum List and CL said, you're tired, in doubt and listen to yourself. I am very sorry you feel the way you feel, and although I haven't known you very long, I really want to reach out into the computer and give you a hug <3

    It is good that you have friends who are willing to help you along the way, and sometimes they will say the most honest things that you are feeling but don't want to admit. But I agree with you in that confiding in the wrong person and have trust broken, it is a painful thing.

    I would much rather not be the one that shines but rather be the underdog. But that's not to say I'm not determined and I do want my cake and eat it. I just work hard, work to the best of my abilities and have no expectations. Earlier this year was just that - I had no idea where my job was taking me and I lived each day knowing it would be my last day at work. Things on the mind can certainly wear you down, and for so many months I was so cagey and jittery. But just looking at the bigger picture and realising that one moment doesn't determine the rest of your life helps. Things have picked up a bit lately, and even if it's a small step in the right direction, I am thankful :)

    Here is a big hug X

    1. Thank you for the hug, Mabel. x *hugs back in return*

      I'm definitely in doubt and tired.... but I'm not sure how to get it out of my system without burdening anyone around me. That's how life is. A rollercoaster ride with the terrible and exuberant days. I appreciate my friends' brutal honesty yet I've arrived at the stage where I don't know who my friends are. =( I'll explain more in one of my upcoming posts.

      I've been consoling myself that I'll be alright after this testing time - and that my friend - whom I'm going to be in the same tute - wouldn't want to see me depressive and all...

      I'm glad to hear that things have taken a positive turn in your work! =)

    2. "I'm not sure how to get it out of my system without burdening anyone around me." That is very honestly put, because the last thing many of us want is to cause our friends stress and than we feel bad because of that. I am sorry to hear you don't know who your friends are - I've been there and it is not a nice feeling. But you will walk away knowing who will be there for you, or at the very least you come to realise what you look for in a friend and/partner.

      Eh, just when things are looking up for me, things seem to go the other way. Lol. I feel like face-palming myself. Oh well :)

  5. hugs.

    take a short break. head off somewhere not so familiar for the weekend on your own. or do what you have not done for a long time.

    when i am burnt out, exhausted or frustrated, i take off for the weekend, detaching myself from the world physically and digitally. armed with only a pen and paper, i sometimes end up penning my thoughts if being away does not help. i reread my thoughts again and again then i burn it when my thoughts are more aligned or my mind less cluttered then i return to civilisation.

    whatever it is, you must always take time for yourself and your own wellbeing. we are not super humans.

    1. Thank you for the hug, Missy.

      I'm actually leaving for a little holiday next week, so I hope that will help to clear things off my mind and realign my thoughts. I've been continuously on the go since college that I've forgotten how to actually take time out (except for Perth)...

      Or maybe I'm just too hard on myself. =/

  6. I'm sure tmr will be a better day for you, Ciana. Perhaps indulging in a good spa will help to take those stress off you? Take care, sweetie! xoxo

    1. I guess I can only keep my fingers crossed, Shirley. I'm learning to take it one step at time and not place too much hope in tomorrow. I agree with you on that! That's why I'm going to see if I can slot in a quick visit to a masseur or a spa during my break. =)


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