I don’t want to believe it yet I know I have to.
I was never able to listen to a particular song - not naming it publicly because of its sensitivity - because it would tear me to shreds. Yet, the emotional lyrics now resonate with me. Maybe I’m weary of wearing the mask of strength and independence. I’ll admit that I crave the stability and familiarity that the past once afforded. The practical side is lucid that there’s no way of living in the present if there’s continuous temptation to return to the past.
You may wonder why today’s post carries such an emotional tone. The truth is, I’m bushed - exhausted of tripping over obstacles thrown my way as I scale the mountainous path, be it personal goals or academic success. Yet, I force myself to continue with the journey because there’s no turning back.
If I pull the plug now, all my previous efforts would be wasted.
The truth is it’s getting tougher to hang on to the rocky cliffs of my journey. I’ve made the conscious decision, even in the shroud of stress, to hide the emotional feelings from among my friends. For me, the detriments outweigh the benefits. I’m not suggesting that one should suppress their feelings. It’s precarious to do so. What I’m expressing is that it depends on the circumstances and who you confide it. For my case, it could expose me to risks that I’m unwilling to undertake although my good friends would fight tooth and nail to get me to spill like an open pack of M&M’s. I know them; they’d rather cry and curse with me than to let me face it alone. The action of confiding is done in good faith and I don’t know whether I’m still capable of trusting anyone.
So there you go.
Trust issues combined with an accumulation of stress.
Ask me anything, I’ll speak.
Ask me about personal and academic matters, I’ll recoil on the defensive.
It's better for me to blend in with the crowd rather than shine. It's easier said than done in the environment that I'm in. As a Sagittarius, when I want something, it will take a lot to persuade me otherwise. That lands me in a cauldron of unwanted matters, which I've slightly insinuated in one of the previous posts. I'm sure that the main reason why it occurred was because of my inability to remain under the radar.
Let me explain myself.
While I'd rather keep my opinions to myself, I find it arduous to sit back with a packet of popcorns and watch other homo sapiens have a piece of the pie. It's been ingrained in me since college that I'll never let anyone label me as an underdog without fighting against the currents. We're all equally created and our only difference is the way we plan our life's journey - with only a pair of hands and a brain as our tools. Sure, if there's no sacrifice thrown into the fireplace, you won't appreciate the rewards. It makes sense; you need to experience hardship before you appreciate success. That, I understand - but not to the extent where you're both unable to reap what you sow and under the weather.
Maybe a vacation to the lovely refuge would do some soul good - only if the exchange rate can be improved, ugh.