Sunday, March 11, 2018

Let me sink deeper

The semester did not have a good start to it. I’ll be honest on that.

I found myself leaning closer towards the edge and slowly descending into a state of nothingness. I was turning into someone I am not. This was not the result of a busy schedule, but rather, the unresolved angst towards the circumstances that landed me in this sticky mess in the first place. I read somewhere that this discomfort is preparing for me to scale greater heights - but the problem is I am tired of living with the pain, especially if it is not something that can be easily treated.

Only God, if he is watching, knows my truest emotions with regards to this.

If I didn’t sacrifice everything (or at least half my heart and half of a stable life) to pursue my degree here, I’m confident that things will be different. I wouldn’t have had to choose between the LLB and the BA. I also wouldn’t have to force myself to decide between Australia, Canada, New Zealand, and Malaysia. In fact, I’d most probably be enrolled in the same campus as my college friends and the transition wouldn’t be as painful and lonely as it was. It would have been easier because it was a familiar territory. In hindsight, it was a battle to maintain a smiling face when all I felt was unhappiness. It was an even greater battle not to lose my sanity while I tried to find my place in a chaotic shark tank. I used to think that I was a confident child in Taylor’s, but the environment frightened me into seeking solace in the background. I have always felt sorry for the international students in college. Although they did not say anything about this, I knew that they needed to work harder than us as they had to accustomize themselves with a foreign land. On top of that, they were susceptible to more problems than us. Yet, I can’t feel the same among the peers - or am I emotionally hardened by the power imbalance to the point where I have missed all of the signs?

Or am I ready to throw in the towel and walk away?

Looking back, I find myself questioning whether it was a good option to study abroad. The crazily high exchange rate between the Malaysian Ringgit and the Australian Dollar is just one aspect of it. If I remained in Taylor’s Lakeside, I’d have saved a lot of tuition fees and time. Trust me, the amount of money spent for a three-year degree from a local university differs in comparison to one from a foreign university - and this all boils down to the exchange rate. I know that I wouldn’t have met the friends whom I have today if I didn’t study abroad, but the truth cannot be denied. I feel that everything is stacked against me and weighing me down like an anchor. I gave up almost everything, only to start afresh again. It is something that I don’t think you, my readers, would understand the emotional impact unless you have lived in my shoes or seen life through my eyes. The beauty is that I already knew that this was coming beforehand. *shakes head*

I understand that if I hadn’t made the decisions that I did, I wouldn’t have the two furry friends who are good body language readers. If you read my blog long enough, you’d immediately know the identities of the folks I’m referring to. There were many occasions when I was upset with something and either one of them would try their best to turn my frown into a smile - or at least attempt to make me forget that I was upset, even if momentarily.

Sure, my impending departure may test the friendships that I have with them. In fact, it might even strain it to its breaking point and we won’t be as close as we are now. That’s a given, seeing that distance combined with time has that deadly effect. Mitigation would require us to carry our weight and put as much effort as each other into maintaining the bond that we have.


  1. After living overseas for over 20 years in multiple countries I'm always surprised at how true friendships may lose regular contact but still maintain their depth. Even after meeting up after years apart I've found my deep friendships are just the same - it's like picking up just where we left off.

    1. You are so lucky, Yum List, because that is the epitome of a true friendship. It is not affected by time or distance - and everyone still remembers everyone. =)

  2. It sounds like such a challenging time for you :/ It's one thing to adapt to a foreign country bu another to deal with the relationships with the people around you. You can't control how others will react, can't control how they feel a lot of the time and also it's hard to control how you feel. There's certainly a lot of financial cost involved in moving and you do think twice about whether or not you made the right decision when times are hard. That was the case when I went to Taylors College in Melbourne when it was still around. It was a fun learning environment but I never felt I fit in.

    As and when the time comes, hope you leave with memories to remember and may your friendships last the test of time. As you said to The Yum List, the epitome of friendships are those where you meet after a long time apart and pick up where you left off. For me, these kinds of catchups are always good times. I do wish I can have more of these times with my best friends but I wouldn't trade any of it all for the meaningful, deep conversations we always have. There's just something so rare and valuable about that these days when you meet people and you get older :)

    1. Oh, trust me, Mabel…. This year has made it more challenging for me - between graduating with a higher GPA, finding a permanent job that will allow me to remain, and adapting to life abroad. I’m at the stage where I don’t know how I should feel about the situations occurring around me. That’s just part and parcel of life, I guess: not being able to control feelings or reactions. Ah, speaking of Taylor’s, it’s actually one of the best moments in my life and I’ll swap everything now to relive that year again. =/

      To tell you the truth, I won’t know if friendships can endure the test of time. I’ve seen my friendships disintegrate the moment we graduated from college and went our separate ways for university. I prefer the catchups to be scheduled an x number of weeks apart from each other - at least you keep the bond alive and burning. You might have a different opinion on this from me, though.

      But there’s no point in living in the past either. =/

    2. It does sound stressful. But it also sounds like you are exploring your options and keeping your options open, and thinking long-term. Which is wise because when the time comes, it usually is better to have a number of choices...and then maybe you might have different wants and desires then.

      Lol you are so much more honest than me. Yes, friendships do disintegrate over time. I have been there one too many times, and some people I don' ever see again. We might catchup again at some point for one chat in person, but then after that, yeah, it's the end :/

    3. It is - that's why I have to keep my options open now. When I first started the degree, I thought of staying back because it'd be easier to link the theory from my degree to the practical work that I'd be doing. Now that I'm towards the end, circumstances have changed and I find myself thinking of other options.

      That's true; what I might want now could differ from what I might want later in the future. =)

      Well, it's good to be honest for certain things. At least it straightens things out. I'm not looking forward to see the friendships that I made in uni disintegrate, but I am preparing myself for it...

    4. Hopefully things will work out for you. It would be nice to meet if you ever came to Melbourne or if I visited Adelaide :) Having options often means you've worked hard, you've earned them, and whatever you choose next you will probably be able to handle.

      While it is sad to see friendships disintegrate, I'd much rather know who are my true friends.

    5. I can only keep my fingers crossed, Mabel. We can keep that option open - who knows if and when we'll be able to visit each other? =D

      For me, it's just a secure way of knowing that I have a backup plan when the main one fails or goes haywire.


Please refrain from using foul languages - or I'll not hesitate to delete the comment. If you don't see your comments, please inform me about it.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...