Let me sink deeper

The semester did not have a good start to it. I’ll be honest on that.

I found myself leaning closer towards the edge and slowly descending into a state of nothingness. I was turning into someone I am not. This was not the result of a busy schedule, but rather, the unresolved angst towards the circumstances that landed me in this sticky mess in the first place. I read somewhere that this discomfort is preparing for me to scale greater heights - but the problem is I am tired of living with the pain, especially if it is not something that can be easily treated.

Only God, if he is watching, knows my truest emotions with regards to this.

If I didn’t sacrifice everything (or at least half my heart and half of a stable life) to pursue my degree here, I’m confident that things will be different. I wouldn’t have had to choose between the LLB and the BA. I also wouldn’t have to force myself to decide between Australia, Canada, New Zealand, and Malaysia. In fact, I’d most probably be enrolled in the same campus as my college friends and the transition wouldn’t be as painful and lonely as it was. It would have been easier because it was a familiar territory. In hindsight, it was a battle to maintain a smiling face when all I felt was unhappiness. It was an even greater battle not to lose my sanity while I tried to find my place in a chaotic shark tank. I used to think that I was a confident child in Taylor’s, but the environment frightened me into seeking solace in the background. I have always felt sorry for the international students in college. Although they did not say anything about this, I knew that they needed to work harder than us as they had to accustomize themselves with a foreign land. On top of that, they were susceptible to more problems than us. Yet, I can’t feel the same among the peers - or am I emotionally hardened by the power imbalance to the point where I have missed all of the signs?

Or am I ready to throw in the towel and walk away?



Looking back, I find myself questioning whether it was a good option to study abroad. The crazily high exchange rate between the Malaysian Ringgit and the Australian Dollar is just one aspect of it. If I remained in Taylor’s Lakeside, I’d have saved a lot of tuition fees and time. Trust me, the amount of money spent for a three-year degree from a local university differs in comparison to one from a foreign university - and this all boils down to the exchange rate. I know that I wouldn’t have met the friends whom I have today if I didn’t study abroad, but the truth cannot be denied. I feel that everything is stacked against me and weighing me down like an anchor. I gave up almost everything, only to start afresh again. It is something that I don’t think you, my readers, would understand the emotional impact unless you have lived in my shoes or seen life through my eyes. The beauty is that I already knew that this was coming beforehand. *shakes head*

I understand that if I hadn’t made the decisions that I did, I wouldn’t have the two furry friends who are good body language readers. If you read my blog long enough, you’d immediately know the identities of the folks I’m referring to. There were many occasions when I was upset with something and either one of them would try their best to turn my frown into a smile - or at least attempt to make me forget that I was upset, even if momentarily.

Sure, my impending departure may test the friendships that I have with them. In fact, it might even strain it to its breaking point and we won’t be as close as we are now. That’s a given, seeing that distance combined with time has that deadly effect. Mitigation would require us to carry our weight and put as much effort as each other into maintaining the bond that we have.