Once again, sorry for the absence in posting.
The first half of the semester has been insane - between the volunteering activities and the assignments, there wasn’t much time for me to stop and take a breather. You’d find this odd; I’m not complaining that I have a busy schedule. In fact, I appreciate it because it means that I’m able to take my mind off things that I shouldn’t be thinking about. I know that I can’t exactly justify such a long period of absence from the blog, but life happens - and it tends to take priority at times.
In hindsight, I think only a deranged student would actually volunteer to complete her presentations for two equally difficult electives in the same week when she has another assignment due in the same week. Well, my dear readers, I was that student. I’m still not sure what led me to do what I did, but boy, was it stressful. It physically drained me to the point where I either looked like a character from ‘The Walking Dead’ or a panda with black eye rings for makeup.
The mid-semester break couldn’t have arrived at a better time - although it still involved two research proposals and one short assessment, at least I’m able to spare some time for myself in lieu of the lectures and tutorials.
I know that I should be relieved that I am done with everything at the end of the year, but I am not feeling any form of excitement or relief. Instead, I want to throw in the towel and move to a place where I don’t know anyone and not be known to the residents around me. I know that this is a bad sign because the last time that this happened, it almost yanked me down the path of a dark abyss. Now, I’m not sure if I’m able to find a reason warranting me to stay in the light. Life is full of obstacles that only I am able to break through it, but there are times when I would love for someone to comfort me and give me the strength. Yet, I don’t want that to happen because (a) it’s impossible and (b) I should not rely on anyone to help me fight my inner demons.
I know that the dream that I had about visiting a family-operated Japanese restaurant means that I want the stability of my childhood since my focus is in tatters. I crave for that moment in time when there was no mess to deal with. The other dream about me running away from someone with my coursemate can be interpreted as my subconscious desire to drop everything and find myself again. There are things that I’m suppressing as a result of my choice not to speak of them publicly. It is only when I am in the safety of the four walls that I let everything out.
I just hope that I don’t fall within the cracks before graduation.
You’re still studying hard, dear. Hope all’s well with you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteStudying harder then ever, Shirley. =P I'm trying to stay on top of everything, but so far so good. x
DeleteI have a similar tendency to pack my schedule full. I always think that it will feel great when it's over rather than drag it out but then I just schedule more to do in the supposed free time that I would've have had by putting things altogether in one week.
ReplyDeleteWell, I think it's related to perfectionism, Yum List? I mean, we want to get everything done in a short span of time that we don't mind cramming our schedules full.
DeleteI am sorry to hear things are so stressful for you, but don't blame yourself too hard. Choosing to do the presentations and assignment in one week is your choice - but you probably knew you had it in you to see it all through. And you did. For me I like to have many things due at once, even today like I have a few things I want to do and if they all converge on the same days I don't mind. I'm every bit the planner and like to come out on top.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I also feel so stressed out and tired that I don't feel excitement for what I am doing, even though I don't mind what I'm doing. It's not the deadlines that stress me out but more of the quality of work that I am doing... Sometimes I feel that no matter how much time you give me, I might not be able to produce my best. It seems you do have some optimism and I hope you can a way to can and do :)
It's okay, Mabel. I'm not blaming myself about it - just found it ironic that I was able to do the presentations in the same week as my assignments. I usually don't do both together.
DeleteIt's the grades that's making me inept at feeling excitement or relief at completing the assignments, though. =/
You are incredible for doing the presentations and assignments together - you are stronger than you think and got a lot left in the tank :) Sometimes you just got to do it, no excuses and you find out that you can actually do it.
DeleteGood luck with the rest of the assignments. Maybe there will be a turnaround for the better. And there is a world out there post-studies :)
Not exactly. I was pretty much half-dead after submitting the assignments a week after the presentations.
DeleteThanks, Mabel. I'll need it for this semester. I can only keep my fingers crossed that it'll be a positive turnout and paint a smile on my face - for once. =)