Once again, sorry for the absence in posting.
The first half of the semester has been insane - between the volunteering activities and the assignments, there wasn’t much time for me to stop and take a breather. You’d find this odd; I’m not complaining that I have a busy schedule. In fact, I appreciate it because it means that I’m able to take my mind off things that I shouldn’t be thinking about. I know that I can’t exactly justify such a long period of absence from the blog, but life happens - and it tends to take priority at times.
In hindsight, I think only a deranged student would actually volunteer to complete her presentations for two equally difficult electives in the same week when she has another assignment due in the same week. Well, my dear readers, I was that student. I’m still not sure what led me to do what I did, but boy, was it stressful. It physically drained me to the point where I either looked like a character from ‘The Walking Dead’ or a panda with black eye rings for makeup.
The mid-semester break couldn’t have arrived at a better time - although it still involved two research proposals and one short assessment, at least I’m able to spare some time for myself in lieu of the lectures and tutorials.
I know that I should be relieved that I am done with everything at the end of the year, but I am not feeling any form of excitement or relief. Instead, I want to throw in the towel and move to a place where I don’t know anyone and not be known to the residents around me. I know that this is a bad sign because the last time that this happened, it almost yanked me down the path of a dark abyss. Now, I’m not sure if I’m able to find a reason warranting me to stay in the light. Life is full of obstacles that only I am able to break through it, but there are times when I would love for someone to comfort me and give me the strength. Yet, I don’t want that to happen because (a) it’s impossible and (b) I should not rely on anyone to help me fight my inner demons.
I know that the dream that I had about visiting a family-operated Japanese restaurant means that I want the stability of my childhood since my focus is in tatters. I crave for that moment in time when there was no mess to deal with. The other dream about me running away from someone with my coursemate can be interpreted as my subconscious desire to drop everything and find myself again. There are things that I’m suppressing as a result of my choice not to speak of them publicly. It is only when I am in the safety of the four walls that I let everything out.
I just hope that I don’t fall within the cracks before graduation.