05/09/2018

I’m sure that something is off with my psyche. I’m either mentally or physically drowning from the stress that I’m living in. Otherwise, it doesn’t explain why things are as they are now.

The dreams have been weird for the past week, let me tell you that. It all started from that scene where I waited with the sister at the bus station when we saw someone familiar before i had a Taiwanese yumcha with Papa Carrie. The familiar person does exist in real life and he doesn’t know about this as I don’t intend on telling him about it - ever.

The next one was visiting a family-owned Japanese restaurant on the same row as my favorite haunt in real life.

The succeeding one was the one that left me shaking my head. It involved the good friend in the form of shared tutorials and accommodation.

Next came a negotiation with a tradesman over a job done to the house.

The last one was more … physical. I vented my frustrations over the vet’s lackadaisical attitude towards the animals by laying blows on someone named Jack. It left his female companion - his wife, I assumed - worried as she whispered his name. He nodded that everything was okay and held me closer to his chest to stop me from hurting him. Hurting myself. Based on the aura of the dream, this person was not a stranger to me. Now that I’m writing about this days later, I’ve a different theory to the dream than what I originally wrote.

Maybe the dreams are a manifestation of what the subconscious wants. The subconscious wants to be freed from its figurative cage and all the negative emotions I experienced. It is only within the four walls that I allow my truest emotions to emerge from its hiding place. And unless I take the initiative to burn your ears about it, you will not have an idea on the extent of it. Even though it may be splashed on my facial expressions, that is just the tip of the iceberg.

One thing’s for sure; I’m now at a stage where I’m numb towards certain things. Not everything excites me anymore. Not everything makes me hyped up and enthusiastic. I want to tear myself away from old acquaintances/friends and bid them adieu after what I’ve seen. I want to be left alone with my own mind for most of the time (which I can tell you is a dangerous thing in itself). I guess what has kept me going for the time being is the desire to complete final year on a slightly better level, if not for my job prospects but for my mental health. A wave of annoyance and self-blame would always engulf me whenever I think about my grades and how low it is. To you, it might seem okay. To me, it is not. I have such high expectations of myself that I’m slowly losing grasp of what led me to enrol in law.

I’m also at a stage where I’m retreating into my shell and pushing people a tad bit further than I should. I don’t want them to see my emotional scars because we are all silently fighting our own battles. Plus, what use is there even if they are made aware of it? It’s not like they are able to wipe the permanent blemishes and allow me to have a clean slate.