Saturday, May 19, 2018

It's not right, but it's not wrong either to stay away

Courtesy of the event organizer for one of the volunteering events 
Maybe it’s true, alright.

If I wasn’t sure what I was thinking or whether I was mentally stable back then, the same might be applicable to him. We were both deers lost in the woods, unable to find the exit route and drowning in our own pain and sufferings yet wearing the facade of happiness in front of others.

Now that I’m in a foreign land, I can finally understand from his perspective. We wanted to push people away because we felt that they won’t be able to understand our implications from our eyes. We work so hard to the point of mental exhaustion yet we don’t get what we want.

Maybe it’s my fault, possibly.

I should’ve stayed my distance from the beginning.

If I had played my cards right, we wouldn’t have arrived at such a terrible ending. We could have maintained the little contact that we had and enjoyed the occasional sarcasm and jokes that we threw at each other. Neither one of us would be suffering in silence - you would not be able to trace any form of hurt or pain on this cheery face of mine unless I let it show. Neither one of us would have been each other’s sacrificial lambs. It had to be done if we wanted to move on in search of a better life without remnants of each other floating in the familiar places. You know my favorite haunts; I know yours. If I had played my cards right, I wouldn’t have sacrificed my friendship with you and let myself be guilt-tripped into a web of lies.

It took an acquaintance’s simple question in sophomore year to shake my core inside out: It sounds like you still like him. Why did you deny the obvious? A simple question that left me speechless for that split second because I never imagined the possibility. I only remembered treating him slightly different from the rest of my friends and him pushing me to my wits’ end.

Yet I might’ve subconsciously pushed him to his limit.

That staircase incident marked the freefall in our friendship - nothing that I did would have been enough to mitigate the effects for him and for me.

In hindsight, it all made sense: the teasing, the weird way of showing he cared, the coffee (even though he never remembered the way I like my drink from San Francisco Coffee), and the awkward action of exercising possession on almost all of my belongings. Yet I made the mistake that would lead to the biggest regret of my college life.

They say that time heals all wounds, but I don’t think the emotional scars that we both have will ever be healed. Maybe it will fade into the background with the right person, but it would always be somewhere in the depths of our abyss. Time has given me the luxury of analyzing the situation from his point of view and understand the drastic actions that he took. He made himself scarce in the weeks leading up to our graduation. He kept a distance whenever we were in the same room - he wasn’t his usual self, it was obvious to me. He was the first person I thought of when I realized that I left behind my folder for one of the subjects, but I don’t know what stopped me from texting him for help. Six weeks before the graduation, he gave me the cold shoulder and refused to even bat an eyelid at me. It was as if I was invisible to him. Although we spoke, it was brief and terse. And official.

It’s not that he chose to do it; he wasn’t left with much of a choice. It was either he dragged me down with him or he pushed me away. I guess he chose the latter because it would have made it unbearable to maintain the friendship. He didn’t want to be confronted with the fact that we would never be together.

I chose to leave. I chose to pursue my undergraduate studies abroad (and am now tossing up between staying back for a postgraduate in another field or doing it in my hometown). The college memories threatened to burden my heart with an anchor. I knew if I didn’t leave, I’d be searching the streets for that one familiar face. I know he wants me to be happy and content with the decisions I’ve made and I want the same for him too. Inasmuch as it’d be lovely to connect again, it would serve a contrary purpose. At least for me. Instead of making me relieved, I know that it’ll bring back all of the memories - the good, the bad, and the ugly - the moment I lay my eyes on him as I enter the agreed cafe.

The only way we are able to move on is to forget. Forget us. Forget our friendship. Forget the teases, growls, and fights. Some things are best left as it is. Looking for answers would merely bleed my heart, deeper this time. It took me a full year after college to mentally stabilize myself. I can’t let it derail me again when I’m rather close to the finishing line in a fragile state.

Coffee from a nearby cafe before an appointment with my lecturer
I’m not sure why I only think of him when it is closer towards the dreaded winter season. Maybe she’s right; a part of me loved him once before it found its way to hate for what he had done. I don’t mean hate in its literal interpretation, but more along the lines of leaving all of us out in the cold without an explanation or justification behind his departure. Maybe she’s right; I could’ve been happier if we didn’t push each other away and things would have taken a 360.

You might think that something bad must’ve happened for me to feel more down than I’m used to, but the truth is that it’s the time of the year. Furthermore, my sister and I caught up with the crim friend for a quick round of drinks after our oral presentation (which pretty much explained our not-so-formal-yet-formal-wear). Part of our conversation somehow went into the heart of this matter and how I seem to be surrounded by drama.


  1. This was such a sad post to read. A very sad reflection. Sometimes when someone has impacted you so much on your life and you love and trust them with all your heart, it is so hard to forget. And I don't think you will ever forget as some feelings you just can't forget :/

    It seems like you are blaming yourself for what happened. Maybe back then you had a reason for reacting the way you did. Maybe it was a naive decision and could have been done with more tact. But it must have been within reason. Hurting someone is not something we all want to do and sometimes we realise it's too late. I suppose if the other person is keen on making peace, they will come around with time.

    Leaving or staying is probably the hardest decision any of us have to make in life. I do hope you figure it out and make the decision that feel is right for you. For a long, long time I toyed with the idea of leaving Australia and moving back to Singapore and set up life there once again. I don't know if I made the right decision and quite often I think about what I would probably get in Singapore that I can't here in Oz. Then again, I have made so many great memories here in Oz and then I think, hey, maybe I am meant to be where I am meant to be.

    1. I was feeling down when I wrote it, though. I don't know; it felt like he knew me from cover to cover even though we have never had coffee or meals together, lol. It will be hard to forget him. I've caught myself sighing whenever I think about it as well.

      I do blame myself to some extent even though I had my reasons for doing what I did. I'd have done things differently if I understood the situation from his point of view earlier. I think he has the same idea as me; let bygones be bygones and not to repeat the same mistakes in the future. The ball is in his court now - he knows how to find me if he wants to eventually make peace.

      Both leaving and staying has its pros and cons attached - and I don't think I'll ever be able to make the decision that I won't regret in time. But you're correct; the one that feels more sensible or right would be the best one. I just feel that I'll have to start from scratch again whether I stay back or leave... =/

  2. Maybe he will come around. Stranger things have happened. But sometimes maybe people are meant to drift apart and that's the end D: Maybe you will never forget, but I do hope you find a sense of peace about the whole situation at some point.

    Good luck with your choice on staying or leaving. Moving or choosing to stay is always a big choice. Always here if you want to chat :)

    1. I'm not keeping my hopes up that he will. So much time has passed and I don't want to cause him further hurt either. For me to find peace about the situation will take some time and possibly some closure.

      Thanks, Mabel. I'm sure I'll figure things out when the time arrives. =)


Please refrain from using foul languages - or I'll not hesitate to delete the comment. If you don't see your comments, please inform me about it.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...