02/26/2020

Based on what I’ve posted as of late, it might be possible that something’s changed within me. While the exhaustion hasn’t pushed me over the cliff (just yet), I’m not saying that I won’t eventually be drained. You see, my job scope has a wider net now and for me to stay up on top of work, sacrifices have to be made one way or another. It’s either I stay back in the office after hours or have a shorter lunch break. Both of which are equally unhealthy for me because it is equivalent to me not being well rested. I guess the next solution would be to keep a distance from everyone and to divert all attention into the paperwork with headphones jammed into my ears. Sadly, this option wouldn’t work that well, no matter how lovely it sounds. There have been mishaps where I have ignored colleagues, screwed up on the final result that significantly differed from what was expected, and had to spend time with the typewriter.

A pop-up bar near the Garden of Unearthly Delights on the grounds of old Royal Adelaide Hospital

I know I’ve messed up at work. Lol, it’s vaguely obvious to anyone who’s looking, but I’m trying not to ponder on it too much. It’d be a downhill route if I do yet it’s arduous to keep a straight face - when I desire to rush into the toilet stall, slam the door close and sit next to the toilet bowl with silent tears while calming myself down. I can’t let it affect me when I’m already feeling terrible. You see, I’m still feeling as rotten as ever. My emotions are all over the place. My focus is smashed by external thoughts with thoughts of isolation/withdrawal for the peace of my mind. It sounds easier if it’s during my downtime, but not when I’m at work. It’ll make me aloof and, unfortunately, arrogant. And I’m not about to darken the mood of those around me. It’s not fair for them. That’s why I prefer to suppress emotions and attempt to deal with it myself. Either that or my emotions are directed inwards to lessen the impact of harm. Yet it’s just as dangerous because I alone absorb the effects of isolation/withdrawal.

Kings' Park, Perth, Western Australia

The moment I look up at the dark skies above me that are illuminated by the stars, I am reminded of something that I thought I had buried years ago.

“We’ll lie on the lawn and watch the stars,” is what I’ve paraphrased. I forced my brain to forget the exact words to stop myself from being badly affected by what happened consequently. My heart felt heavier than an anchor when the memory replayed itself before me. But I’ve learnt to just let it come and go on its own. It’s better than fighting it. The effects are much worse when I try to shove it away, which may explain why I chose to keep everyone including my close friends at a distance. I don’t feel safe letting anyone know what’s truly happened with me, especially if it’s done to see them free from all worries.

I am hoping for something that’ll take the edge off me and instill in me the same feelings I had when I first heard those words: being loved and feeling stable. Yet I fear that these two emotions would not return to me.

*sighs*

I guess that shouldn’t stop me from trying to pull myself out of this situation in search for the stability that I once had and lost.