08/27/2019

I dreamt that I went to view a condo unit situated in one of the medium rise buildings in Brisbane. There was an initial roundtable discussion with the property agent and the person in charge from the management about the tenancy, such as the duration of my stay and any additional conditions attached to the agreement. Yet I couldn’t confirm about taking vacant possession of the unit as my would-be housemate would need to take a look at it to see if it suits him as well.

The condo unit was spacious with lots of natural light spilling into the area - a benefit of it being a corner unit. The kitchen had an open concept to it. On the right was the kitchen cabinet and the built-in appliances. To the left was the white dining table and another balcony that fronted a shorter building. There was a road separating this building and the neighboring structure. The walkway then extended to the living room and another balcony. On the left was an LCD TV with a set of three seater sofa facing each other. When I peeked my head out of the sliding door, I observed that this particular property also came with a sea view. What struck me as odd was the blue aura that I felt.

The waiting area outside the condo came with grey walls and grey tiles. There were three elevators facing five units. As we waited for the elevator, the neighbor at the other end of the row was about to enter his unit. He and his wife sounded like they were from Mainland China, judging from the Mandarin accent that they spoke in as well as the way they carried themselves. Next to the unit I viewed was a locked cabinet displaying a fire hose reel and portable fire extinguisher.

I initially wasn’t sure who or what the dream hinted at because I didn’t know head or tail, but after asking (someone) for his opinions, the pieces started to fit together like a jigsaw puzzle. This is one of the dreams closely associated with my real life. My personal interpretation of this is that I’m subconsciously craving for a bachelorette pad that I can share with a close friend whom I can trust in a safe, reputable place. It’s rather close to another dream I had about sharing a unit with someone.

Dream-Meaning.net interprets this as To dream that you are hunting to rent a new apartment, suggest transitioning into a new phase in life. You are up for new emotional and financial adventures, perhaps a new job or relationship. If the dream features hunting for apartment with a significant other, it suggests that you are ready to move the relationship to the next level.'. Connecting it to the dream context, I wasn't in a relationship with the would-be housemate; rather, I was trying to reduce the financial costs by sharing a place with a close friend. Flowing from that, it's relatively accurate, considering what has happened so far with regards to a job. As to what constitutes a new phase in life, maybe it's the future me signing the tenancy and receiving the keys for a tastefully decorated semi-furnished residence in a place away from familiar faces.

Another angle has a darker explanation. DreamStop.com opines that 'Renting is a constant drain on resources, and is not a permanent residence. Therefore even if you dream about renting a very nice house, it still indicates that your life is not stable, or does not feel stable to you.”. Well, look at what showed up. This has hit a sore part of my life, but for reasons that I'm unwilling to share on a public domain.

Just a Little Update from the Weary Soul

Eek, I hadn’t realized that it has been weeks since I last blogged.

I guess that’s work does to you, especially when you’re in the service industry and completing tasks like how plates after plates of delicious food are served through the kitchen service window at a bustling restaurant. It also doesn’t help me that I’m pressed for time, seeing that I’m still clueless and finding my way around the office.

I’m drained by the time I returned from work.



I won’t entertain the idea of staying back in the office after hours for now. Maybe after I familiarized myself with the company practice will I consider working OT when there’s an urgency of documents and if I live nearby. I don’t want to be caught in the peak hour traffic congestion and arrive home an hour or two later.

At least being busy and on the go has kept my worries at bay . It forces my brain to focus on something else, which is the tasks that are associated with my job position. Believe me when I say that extreme worries don’t bode well for anyone as it sends you down the path of insomnia. The university student in me may fancy the late nights because there’s additional time to perfect my assignments. The working me dislikes it because it craves for as much rest as possible to start off the day in the right mood. I don’t want to rock up to work with a spoiled mood and on the verge of irritability. I’d also like to avoid the tendency of downing cups after cups of coffee and tannin to keep awake and forgetting to hydrate myself with water instead.

I’ve paid for this countless times before.

Yet nothing much has changed with my emotions.

I still harbor the longingness to withdraw from social interactions when I’m on my own and away from the workplace (although a close friend would rather have me not do that). I crave for the time alone to recuperate from all the peopling during the day. I still have no idea whether I’m an introvert or not, but my battery depletes faster than a reasonable person’s. You wouldn’t want to see me or speak to me when I’m running low on energy. As mentioned above, I’m irritable and walk in circles with annoyance at myself. I’ll cite a recent example; because of the sudden urgency to complete a task, I felt a growing dislike at myself for not being able to do it on time and about to tug at my hair. I’m also suppressing my own emotions with as much self control as I have in exchange for a fruitful period. I don’t like when there’s too much free time. I prefer it when I’ve assigned tasks after tasks to finish. It permits time to fly faster through the cracks of my fingers.

08/20/19

And so, it shows that I haven’t been active on the blogosphere for some time now. I can’t even remember when my last update was.

I’ve not disappointed without a reason, though. Life took precedence once again with me focusing on my current position. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it, but I’ve managed to secure a job related to the field that I studied in. The amount of paperwork in my current position is enough to keep me busy to such a stage where I’m working through lunch. I know that it’s not the healthiest option as lunch hour is there for a reason. It’s to provide employees with an hour’s break to refuel or to catch a breath.

Yet I love it; I’d rather swim in continuous stress in the workplace and fry my brains than to harbor feelings of boredom. There’s another reason; being nose deep in the paperwork allows me to lose myself in the tasks on hand. It’s dangerous because my brain can never rest. It’s forever checking off the work-related mental checklist. The effects of this is perilous. As if to make it worse, I’m suppressing my thoughts and emotions whenever I’m in public. It’s only when I’m alone, away from prying eyes and judgmental ears that it shows in my eyes. I know that it’ll worsen if I don’t do anything to resolve it.

It’s not that I don’t want to take precautionary or mitigatory steps. It’s more along the lines of not wanting anyone to know what I’m facing with. Ever since I’ve been kicked to the kerb after that critical period, it’s given rise to the feeling of abandonment. No one deserves to know what’s happening in my life or to me while life moves forward without me.

If I’m left alone to lick my wounds, then I shall be left alone, away from those judgmental ears.

I'm a shadow

Folks, if you’ve wondered where I’ve been and why I’ve not regularly posted here, it’s because I had a basket load of matters to resolve offline. Throw in the casual position and most of my time would be dedicated to life away from the blog. I mean, who would’ve thought that in the blink of an eye, it’s close to a year since my return? I’ve been swimming against the emotional currents for such a long period that I’ve lost track of time.

Now that the casual position has ended, I'm introverting and spending more hours indoors. While this may be beneficial for my side hustle, I don't think it does the soul good to avoid the outdoors. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I twisted my ankle while trekking the hill. I’m not sure what caused it to occur although I’m sure I kicked into something - be it a pine cone, a stone or a cracked tarred road. It’s still slightly swollen as I write this post, though. And that was close to three weeks ago.

Yet I had a quick catch-up with a friend. Although he was worried that I might expose the ankle to further pressure (I arrived at our agreed meeting point by foot), I was adamant that my ankle recovered well enough for us to meet. I didn’t want him to travel all the way, only to discover that we can’t hang out because of my foot.

Somehow chatting with him allowed me to be myself, forgetting all of the worries on my mind. Even if it was for an hour. An hour may not sound fast to you, but for us, it did - without any recollection or warning about it. If there was a chance for us to stay back longer, we’d have taken the opportunity in a heartbeat.

Just a cup of cham (read: a mixture of tea and coffee) and a glass of iced coffee were what we needed as an accompaniment in our conversation. We even picked up from where we left off - disregarding the curious eyes and inquisitive ears surrounding us but exercising enough care to avoid getting in-depth about sensitive topics.

It still wasn’t enough to stop me from beating myself up over the backdated work. I’ll eventually have to complete them and tick it off the list when the deadline rolls up, but I can’t seem to find the passion/motivation in me to get started on it. I don’t know what’s happened along the lines . . . especially when I was never like that. *sighs*

Maybe I need to learn to take a breath and tackle it - one by one.

Memories of What Was Once

Memories are thick in the air,
Suffocating us.
Tears swam down our cheeks.
A promise that we made to each other.

A promise to live well and stay well.
We laid down our masks.
We bared our souls to each other,
Not hiding our pain.

In our pairs of lifeless eyes,
We saw a reflection of ourselves there.
You stared at the bottom of the cliff,
Thinking that your body will be lighter soon.

I gave it my all to pull you back
And save you from the edge.
I was on my knees,
Not wanting to lose you to the dark.

We helped each other to recover,
One second at a time,
One step at a time,
One day at a time.

With a little crack of a smile,
Remnants of a happier you rose to the surface.
A glimpse into the kind of person you were
Before your days turned darker than the clouds.

The warning signs glimmered like a night sky,
Yet I missed my chance of saving you.
The winds sigh around me in mourning.
Exhaustion crept deep into your bones.

You threw in the towel and gave into the darkness.
I’m now in the position I tried to save you from.
I’ve lost the light of life in my heart.
The similarities were the one that drew us close,

Yet it now forced us apart from each other.
As I edge closer towards the end,
My lips lifted with a smile,
Knowing that I would not abandon you in death.

What now?

Amidst the hectic state, I was finally dragged to trek the hills with the family - a habit that we engaged in on a weekly basis before circumstances changed me. Yet the hour-long exercise wasn’t enough to strangle the negative emotions in my heart to death. I don’t expect it to happen soon either. It snuck in and took up residence at the start of my degree, so it’d require time - but how long, only God knows - for it to leave.

It’s true that time will slip through the cracks of your fingers. It was just yesterday when I showed up for work with fear and anxiety about my work environment. In the blink of an eye, three months have passed, which signalled the end of my position. There was nothing much that I felt, but I wasn’t surprised either. It’s after all a casual/temporary position and I warned myself not to become accustomed to the workplace and colleagues for the fear of being attached. Although it’s not in the field of law, the scope was just as challenging since I’m not familiar with this particular industry. The only one I’m familiar is writing (housed under media), but at least it gave me some much-needed time away from law. The intense pressure that grew stronger in the duration of my undergraduate days kept me away for the time being.

There was no way of running away from the emotional exhaustion. I found myself hiding the pain and tears from friends and colleagues. Even when we’re texting on Messenger or chatting in person, I’d pretend that I’m as happy as I sound. I know that it’s bad for me to bury my thoughts and feelings without speaking of it, but that’s how I’ve coped all these while - so much so that I’ve forgotten how to speak up. To put it into writing, I’m drowning in the current - wanting to hold on to something but unable to reach out. I don’t know if it resembles a burnout or it’s merely an exhaustion, but aren’t those two similar in its own way? I’m hiding so much that even my closest friend has no inkling about it - because I don’t want any more questions about it. Since I chose not to spill the beans, I’d have to suffer from the effects because no one would be able to help me.

06/06/2019

"All I see before me is that final 24 hours in Adelaide. The sadness swam in their eyes and their hearts shattered into pieces."

The moment I close my eyes to that particular song, all I see in my mind is that vision dancing in my mind. The vision where they forced themselves to hold back their tears for the fear of flooding the tears with the sticky solution. Come to think of it, it may be a subconscious cry for me to slow down and smell the roses, so to speak. It may also be an indication that I’m using the alternate universe or a happier past to cope with all the earthly stressors.

The document that did a 180 on me arrived on my doorstep faster than I expected. Any form of elation was replaced with a wave of anger in my bloodstream. Anger that I played my cards in the wrong fashion, which backfired in my face and landed me with irreversible changes. Anger that everything in my plans derailed like a train driver who has lost control. My circle of friends will never have an understanding of how I’m feeling unless I speak of it - and you may ask why I’d rather torture myself emotionally than to let them know.

I’ve said it from time to time: it’s my battle to fight and I’ll deal with it alone. Yes, you’ll definitely remind me that what I’m suppressing and what I’m projecting to those around me will crash into each other and make a clear path murky. And yes, it’s exhausting down to the bones to feign that everything is okay when it is not, but it is what it is.

I found myself reliving a flashback of me travelling with the Carries, Papa Carrie’s business acquaintance, and the guy’s family to a resort interstate. While I don’t remember the exact details of that trip, we were there at night. I wore the pair of Japanese flip-flops as the adults gathered at the cafe near the swimming pool. The children - two boys of differing ages - and I were close by, doing our own thing. Maybe the large age gap created an element of awkwardness between us - or I’m distant whenever I’m introduced to someone new. I need time to warm up to the person. I’m not shy; just … cautious, for lack of a better word.

Could this be a sign that I’m living in the reminiscence of the ancient days? For all I know, I’ve descended to a stage where I could care less about the wonderful Pandora’s box of the future. All of the unexplainable pain and aches that left me for such a long time have returned to harass me on a frequent basis. The recent one came when I returned to my cubicle after completing a task. As the pain knocked on my ribcage, I had to hold it while I hid behind the table to let the pain go away on its own. Maybe what I read is true after all: pains and aches will manifest weirdly out of stress and anxiety. Don’t let the looks fool you; I’m in a world of stress and anxiety as its toppings.